When a twin gets in touch with me and tells me that he has seen a therapist in the past, invariably each attests to a shameful commonality – the therapist has proclaimed that the twin who feels abandoned, jealous, and guilty about his twin getting married, moving away, or having a better job is nothing short of SELFISH. This therapeutic lack of insight, empathy, and understanding about a twin’s state of mind in this predicament drives me crazy. I imagine that if a singleton sibling were in treatment and these same emotions surfaced, the clinician might not rush to judgment about that individual’s moral compass. More than likely, these feelings would fall under something that would come under the purview of normal “sibling” rivalry.  

Well, let me break it to you gently—twins who feel upset and disappointed with their twin fall under the rubric of normal “twin” rivalry. Grasping the nuances and ambivalent ramifications of a twin connection commands an in-depth and specialized knowledge of and appreciation for the twin challenges.

It’s fascinating that nontwins might assume that twins would and should be on the same page with feelings and thoughts no matter what – isn’t that the expectable twintuition? Social media, in particular, can’t seem to get enough of twins holding hands, babbling in their shared secret language, and reading about twins marrying twins! I am not denigrating the love that twins feel for one another; rather, I am attempting to educate folks that the road to healthy twin intimacy can be rocky and full of potholes. Parents and clinicians alike cannot be blind-sighted by their wishes to see twins in a holier than thou spotlight.

It has been my experience that the sets of twins who do confront the cracks in the twin relationship and receive proper counseling lead lives whereby their capacities for intimate connections with their twin and significant others are highly evolved and comfortable. SELFish is working through the complicated issues that interfere with twins feeling and experiencing a separate SELF. 

The post Feeling Negative Emotions Towards Your Twin? It’s Normal appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Those of you who follow my blog are familiar with the caretaker and cared-for dynamic within twinships. Essentially, one twin assumes the role of looking after the other—either consciously or unconsciously. This behavior can emerge organically or be influenced by parental expectations. I have been so fortunate to work with twins of all ages who seek my guidance when this dynamic is disrupted.

Many caretaking twins simply become overwhelmed by their sibling’s demands. The caretaker begins to feel bitter and angry about the years she has spent putting her twin’s needs and feelings ahead of her own desires. She experiences accumulated feelings of resentment about the lack of reciprocity or appreciation. She wants to pull back or flee.

However, at the same time, she feels a compulsion to satisfy her twin’s demands because the thought of abandoning her charge is unfathomable. While her caretaking role may be exhausting, she covets a connection with her sibling and struggles with change. The caretaking twin suffers tremendous emotional angst as she attempts to define a new normal for herself. The biggest hurdle seems to be her guilt about fulfilling a moral obligation. How can she justify taking care of herself at the risk of hurting her twin?

The cared-for twin is less prevalent in the therapeutic milieu; nonetheless, when she does seek advice, she complains that her sibling is controlling and dominating. The caretaking twin refuses to recognize that she is no longer needed in some fundamental ways. She is reluctant to relinquish her pseudoparental position. The cared-for sister attempts to tell her twin that she no longer wants to feel dependent or second rate. She loves her sibling but wants to be recognized for her independence and growth rather than reproached for appearing ungrateful or manipulative.

Either way, a systematic shift occurs in the twin relationship. Understandably, a rift may emerge until both siblings can adjust to the new parameters with mutual understanding and an acceptance of each other’s position. As those of us who have worked through these conflicts can attest, we do not stop feeling empathy for our twin. Rather, our compassion for and overidentification with our twin does not inhibit our own capacity to feel joy about our own lives.

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