About a month prior, a positive pregnancy test left me elated with anticipation for our third child. The excitement gave way to gloom and winter stretched on, so I blamed the gray skies. When my belly grew faster than my previous pregnancies, I thought maybe it was something physical. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew something changed in me towards the end of my first trimester. 

Looking back, I understand why I misidentified the heavy feeling. First, during my previous pregnancies, I totally rocked the glow factor. I felt healthy and alive, despite the looming complications created by my freak uterus. Rocky deliveries, however, explained my husband’s hesitant response to the idea of a third pregnancy. 

Eventually, he warmed up to the thought, and voila, the third pregnancy was upon us. Perhaps, I still felt the need to convince him a third pregnancy was a good idea, so I laid low all day and tried my best to look alive in the evenings. 

Going out proved to be exhausting and bedtime never came soon enough! 

Second, “depression” seemed, well, too depressing. Prior to this pregnancy, I never struggled with emotional highs or lows. On the contrary, my husband often called me a “ridiculous optimist.” While I knew friends with depression, identifying depression within me remained foreign. I knew post-partum depression swung with indiscriminate blows, but I never even considered depression an option in those hard prenatal days, I just kept trying to be optimistic thinking tomorrow would be better, but I always woke up with the same dull feeling. 

As my pregnant belly grew, the doctor revealed the baby’s gender, a boy! Adding a son to our family overjoyed my heart. I thought the excitement of replacing all the pink in my storage bins with blue might just shoo away the heavy cloud, but the gloom remained. My belly seemed to grow larger by the day, and I chalked up my heaviness to the physical stress such quick growth might cause. 

At my 20-week doctor’s visit, I wanted answers. I asked about my growing belly and the uncharacteristic movement I was feeling all over the place. What caused such fast growth? Why the lack of energy? And the dull feeling? Unfortunately, the doctor shuffled me through his office quickly explaining, “Pregnancies with boys are different. Expect different feelings during this third pregnancy.” 

After my visit, my heaviness worsened. Now, in addition to the emotional weight, I began feeling physical symptoms. Constant fatigue stole my glow and a mysterious “lump” moved into my throat, one that I was familiar with only from moments in my life when I was on the verge of tears. Except, I never felt like crying. I didn’t feel like anything. The lump in my throat remained a nagging reminder that something was “off.” 

I asked my husband to accompany me to the 24-week visit. Our specialist, known for quickly assessing and sending patients along, intimidated me. I couldn’t muster up the boldness or even maintain consistent perception to ask the questions others asked of me after these visits. My husband also recognized a marked difference with this pregnancy and wanted to ask a few questions of his own. 

In the exam room that day, the doctor pulled out the ultrasound wand for the fifth time to look at our growing son. As a specialist, his quick routine measurements directed our conversations. He lubed up my belly, glanced at the screen, and then surprised himself (and us) by exclaiming, “Oh! We’ve got two babies!” 

And that was my answer, at least for then. 

My pregnancy lasted another ten weeks. It was ten more weeks of the same heavy feeling and the lump in my throat, but twins were double the joy and double the concern, so we spent those ten weeks with the best kind of distraction. The reality of my heaviness remained and even now, when I watch home videos of the pregnancy, I hear the nagging lump in my through the tone of my voice. 

Our world was a whirlwind of diapers and feedings and so much laundry after the birth of our twins. I remember feeling the physical lump in my throat for some time after but kept so busy, I never addressed it with anyone. The feelings of heaviness left before the lump and after the twins’ first birthday, even that disappeared completely. 

Four years later, in a pediatric waiting room, I read an article about “antepartum depression” or “prenatal depression.” The article explained prenatal depression as “baby blues” during pregnancy as opposed to after when postpartum depression sets in. The article cited research about the probability of prenatal depression and listed “mothers of multiples” as one of the factors. 

“AHA!” I remember thinking. What an enlightening personal discovery! I wanted to return to that tired mama, resting on the couch for the umpteenth day in a row, and say: 

•  “It’s going to be okay.” 
• “Don’t feel guilty about missing out on the excitement of growing a human being inside of you. Your body is working overtime and you will enjoy all that life soon enough.” 
• “Take all the time you need and pass your heaviness around. Let people help you and encourage you while you rest.” 
• “Be honest about how you feel. Talk it out with your husband, a trusted friend, and most importantly (and emphatically!) to your physician.” 
• “Eat well and rest plenty, taking good care of yourself so your body can miraculously grow a life, or two, or three – and a legacy whose heart beats with yours.” 

Depression related to pregnancy is real. My twin pregnancy exposed the reality of living with numbness of emotion and lack of desire for anything. Although pregnant women with a history of mental health conditions increase the likelihood of prenatal and post-partum depression, my case shows a twin pregnancy might be the only factor that increases the chance of experiencing prenatal depression. 

And you know what? It was okay. I eventually got off that couch and felt like whistling again. Today, my twins are rocking fourteen years of very full lives thanks to the heavy load I carried and that pesky lump in my throat. This mama’s heart sings in knowing the struggle that gave birth to so much life. 

The post Prenatal Depression: One Mom’s Story appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

And for young people interacting over the Internet, the temptation for abuse and to wander to areas dubbed the “dark web” can lead any “well adjusted” individual into addiction or worse, isolation and loneliness, let alone those with compromised mental health issues. Even if they do not become victim to the dark web, there is a preponderance of “fake news” and even “fake ads.” This phenomena is documented in my own paper, Industrial age advertising identifies solutions for a 21st century social network driven world at the Internet, Politics, Policy 2018: Long Live Democracy conference at Oxford. The most fascinating walk away from the conference was that so called normal or well-adjusted individuals may from time to time reshare information about a political candidate they want to see elected even if they have not properly vetted that information for accuracy and its source. We are all responsible to read between the internet lines and use information wisely. The implications for our youth can be even more consequential than in adults.

Youth who exhibit any number of traits along the “atypical” categories are among those most at risk when it comes to properly understanding information, interacting with social media, and the internet. For example, kids struggling with anxiety, depression, or a plethora of other mental health issues. 

On top of the strains of social media, these children face other battles as well. Some face difficulties socializing or deal with a mental illness, but it is not properly treated because age becomes a barrier. My son, Ethan, took his own life. He was autistic and struggled socially. He also was an example of a child who could never get an accurate diagnosis because of his age. He had a mood disorder and found himself in the juvenile justice system. Despite his struggles, we never believed he would take his own life. Honestly, I don’t believe any parent expects it or sees it coming. However, suicide rates continue to climb. For each child the reasons vary, and it could come from multiple feelings.

An 11-24-19 report on the CBS television show 60 minutes showcased a team from Carnegie Mellon University who believe for many people who take their lives, their brains are wired differently. These feelings of taking their life may not be necessarily tied to a current situation or atypical diagnosis. So it might not be about medication to deal with the feelings as much as that scientists might be able to rewire brains so the feelings of ideation can be curtailed. 

As a result of my son becoming a foot soldier of the mental health crisis ending in his life, I intend to raise awareness in schools and beyond. I have met with a state senator and plan to testify before a Michigan legislative committee about the juvenile justice system’s handling of children with mental illness. The system is flawed and needs adjusting for children like my son. It’s too late for him, but by joining forces and through education I believe we might be able to slow it down.

My book, “Ethan’s Healthy Mind Express” — co-authored with Emily Waszak — went on sale on Amazon on Nov. 23, International Survivors of Suicide l Day. The book we believe is the first children’s mental health primer and we include 5 lessons including a warning to avoid the dark web, areas of the Internet that can lead to isolation or mistrust. My wife, Stacey, and I hope to use the proceeds from the book to go into schools with the Ethan’s Healthy Mind Express story. 

My wife and I also started the Ethan Bean Mental Wellness Foundation (EBMWF) with a mission to help distribute the latest research and information to assist in leading an international conversation about mental wellness and let each individual family decide how to best mitigate the potential risks. 

It takes the whole community. As we say in the book, “It’s not just the train, it’s really the track!” meaning it’s not just the kids who need to understand how to get along, the community must consider new ways to help inclusion and new ways to combat feelings of suicide for those with suicide ideation. . I never want Ethan to be forgotten. He felt like he was. Our public school system couldn’t help him. Our juvenile justice system couldn’t help him. Only we, as a community, can create the change necessary to ease the suicide epidemic. It is up to us to protect our youth.

Resources:

Here are good resources on exploring the internet and its societal affects, to simply let you know who they are so you can follow them how you see a fit knowing yourself, your children, and your family. 

Educational:

• Oxford Internet Institute, Oxford University, ENG
• Informing Science Institute, Santa Cruz, CA, USA
• The Center for Internet Research, Haifa, Israel
• JMIR Mental Health, one of many journals on topic
• Mental Health America
• Related articles via Google Scholar
• Startling real-time health statistics at worldometers.info

Governmental:

• National Institute of Mental Health
• World Health Organization
• Center for Disease Control and Prevention

For additional information on the Internet and mental health, see this study published on Aug. 13, 2019, in The Lancet, Roles of cyberbullying, sleep, and physical activity in mediating the effects of social media use on mental health and wellbeing among young people in England: a secondary analysis of longitudinal data. 

The research community is waking up to the risks and hopes you stay tuned to the EBMWF so we can take this information and aid those we reach.  We are just establishing ourselves and open to collaborating with other like-minded people and organizations for the sake of better mental health for all.

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