Dear New Mom and Dad of Twins:

Expecting twins for the first time? Parenting twins can be stressful, but it can also be one of the best experiences of your lives. I have a twin sister; we are fraternal twins. Twenty-one years ago, my parents found out they were expecting twins during the first ultrasound. It was quite the surprise for them! They were excited but also worried about having double of everything. My sister and I were born 11 weeks premature. Because of our early arrival, my parents had to quickly prepare for double the amount of baby clothes, the messes and the future expenses. But, there was also double the amount of fun and love that had to be provided.

Preparing for twins can be demanding, but it is important for parents to be ready when the twins arrive. Joan A. Friedman, a psychotherapist and twin expert from southern California, says parents can prepare for having twins by developing expectations that are realistic. Parents will be busy and stressed, so they need to set some time aside to relax. Friedman says parents should work together to make parenting more efficient.

“Work out with your partner beforehand how you will attempt to help each other during these difficult early months,” Friedman says.

To prepare for having twins, my parents also had realistic expectations. They knew that they would have to think about the little aspects, including buying enough diapers and balancing feeding times. My mother says the first few nights after my sister and I came home from the hospital, my father kept insisting that since he had to go to work the next day, he needed his sleep. My mother got up and fed both of us. But, when she fed us, she also woke my father up, so he didn’t get much sleep anyway.

“What we ended up doing was both getting up and each feeding a baby, and then we went back to bed and slept until it was time to feed the babies again. That worked much better than the first approach.”

It is also important that parents know they can ask for help. Friedman says parents should not be afraid to ask others around them for help when caring for twins. “Don’t be reluctant as you will need extra laps and hands,” Friedman says.

Ask a relative to help out with the twins once a week, or ask a friend to spend a few hours with one of the twins. My grandparents pitched in when they could even though they lived a few hours away. My mother says my grandma came to help right after we came home from the hospital. She also visited sometimes during the day to babysit, so my parents got a chance to eat out or go shopping.

There are also many useful resources for new parents, including books about twins, twins’ clubs, pediatricians and talking with other parents who are raising twins. Friedman says new parents should not be hard on themselves; it is okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes. She says parents should do what they think is best when it comes down to their parenting style.

“It is about surviving and doing a good enough job, not a perfect one.”

My parents talked to a pediatrician and found him to be very helpful. He was a twin himself, which added to his knowledge of twins. He gave my parents many tips about baby nutrition and tips on how to care for twins when both babies become sick.

“The family pediatrician, Dr. Stein, told us which medicines to give to the girls,” says my mother. “He was especially helpful when you girls got pink eye multiple times.”

Another key piece of advice is to expect that new parents will both be tired and overwhelmed at first. My parents created a schedule to balance different tasks.

“I would take out the trash and fill up the bottles, while Mom changed diapers and dressed the girls,” says my father. “Although I was exhausted at first, it got easier once we figured out a routine.”

According to The Twin Coach, a website created by Gina Osher, a mother of twins, new parents should stay calm and talk to other parents of multiples. By reaching out and conversing with other parents, parents can become more knowledgeable about twins and learn about ways to provide the best care for their twins. My family lived next door to twin boys who were four years older than we were. We became close with our neighbors, and my mother got a lot of free parenting advice from their mother.

In addition, Friedman says it is important to spend alone time with each twin in order to get to know him or her individually. As twins grow older, parents can see their differences and they can work to treat their twins as individuals.

My parents tried to treat my sister and me as individuals. As toddlers, my parents dressed us differently and encouraged us to spend time with other children.

“I wanted to make sure you girls were individuals with your own personalities and interests,” says my mother. “But, at the same time, I wanted you to be friends and have a good relationship.”

Friedman also says that parents cannot make their twins’ lives completely equal.

“Don’t get caught up in the fair and equal dilemma even though your twins attempt to guilt you into such a conundrum.”

Parents try to make everything fair, but it is just not possible. Each twin has different personality traits and different wants as he or she grows older. Instead of making everything fair, parents should focus on encouraging each twin to live his or her own life, so everything does not seem like it has to be equal.

Nonetheless, twins become friends because they spend a lot of time with each other. My parents encouraged my sister and me to have a close relationship. The twin relationship is a special one that twins should foster. My twin sister and I have different interests, but we are also very close; we can talk about anything with each other.

Furthermore, Friedman says parents should not focus on the “twin mystique.” By doing this, parents tend to idealize what it is to be a twin. She says that parents should take note of the pros and cons of parenting twins.

Friedman recommends parents read her first book, Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children. Her book provides parents with information about pregnancy with twins and raising twins.

I hope this information will help you as you begin your journey of parenting twins. Having twins will bring you double the amount of joy and memorable experiences. My parents continue to learn about twins and make new memories, even after 21 years.

Best wishes,

Marie Cash, a fraternal twin

As a recent college graduate, Marie has a bachelor’s degree in journalism from the University of Northern Colorado. She enjoys reading, writing and baking new recipes for her food blog. Marie has a fraternal twin named Kathy. They are best friends and both live in Colorado. Someday they want to attend the Twins Day Festival in Twinsburg, Ohio.

The post Tips for New Parents with Twins: An Open Letter from a Twin appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Try your best to imagine experiencing almost every moment in life with another person who is the same age, has the same number of siblings and parents, has the same last name, lives in your house, goes to the same school, has the same teacher, and goes through life on the same waking, eating, playing, bathing, and sleeping schedule as you. That is how many twins go through their early years of life. 

The individuation process that every young child experiences is complicated for twins – they not only have to learn to separate from their parents, they also have to learn to separate from their twin sibling, to whom they are so deeply connected from birth. Parents can impede the process by raising them into existence as a pair of children instead of as two single children. Research suggests that twins who were treated as a solitary unit by their parents had more difficulty forming their individual identities than twins who were treated more distinctly.

It could be argued that parents of twins generally have a more challenging early parenting experience than parents of singletons. There are countless considerations a parent of twins has to make that her parenting peers who have singleton children never face, like spoon-feeding two hungry babies at the same time, maneuvering a double stroller through the super-market, or (brace yourself) having to choose which child’s college graduation to attend when both twins’ college graduations occur on the same weekend in different cities.

So what could a parent of twins possibly learn from a parent of singletons? At least one very important thing: how to raise a singleton — well, at least how to make our twin children’s experiences more like that of their singleton peers.

Yes, by making some easy adjustments, we parents can help our twin children feel more like unique individuals and less like a mere half of a pair.

In that spirit, I compiled these top 6 tips for encouraging individuality.

1)  RETHINK THE RHYMES

Let’s face it: it’s cute and it’s fun to name your twin children Will and Jill or to use alliteration and call them Beverly and Bella. When we do this, however, we reinforce the notion that they are each part of a set as opposed to two separate individuals. If you have already chosen such names, perhaps you can give at least one of them a nickname –a nickname that doesn’t rhyme with the other child’s name, for heaven’s sake!  Related side note: always refer to your children by their names rather than referring to them as “the twins.” And take the time to encourage relatives and friends to respect and follow your lead here.  The rule is important whether your children are within earshot or not. It’s critical that you and other essential people in their lives develop the habit of talking about them and thinking of them as individuals.

2)  DRESS THEM DIFFERENTLY

Again, the cuteness factor reigns here: who doesn’t love the attention one receives when she’s walking her twins down the street and they are wearing the same exact outfit, down to the color and brand of shoe? It’s undeniably adorable to see little twins dressed alike. Still, by doing so, you are unintentionally sending the message to them and the world that they are simply two peas in a pod. Two perfectly identical peas in a pod. But your children are not uniform vegetables; they are exceptional animate beings with distinguishing personalities and traits. If you simply cannot resist putting them in the same outfit for a photo, allow yourself some slack and take the darn photo. But most of your photos should instead help to celebrate them as the extraordinary individuals that they are.  When your twins are old enough, encourage them to pick out their own clothes. They may choose to match each other at times, but believe me, there will be times when they want to look nothing like one another.

3)  DON’T FORCE THEM TO SHARE

When we were little, we were taught to share. So when our kids are young, we instinctively tell them they have to share. Sharing is an important skill that young children must develop in order to succeed socially.

BUT, your twins will be asked to share exponentially more times than the average singleton child for the simple reason that twins generally have more opportunities to share by virtue of playing in the same room together for most of their waking hours. And even though one of your twin children will almost always be playing with her twin sibling, she shouldn’t always be forced to share. In fact, she should have things that are hers and hers alone — things over which she can rightfully assert jurisdiction. Having one’s own things is essential to helping a child develop her sense of self, which is critical for a child who is a twin.

If it’s possible financially and logistically to put the twin children in separate rooms, do so to allow each of them to claim her own space. If two separate rooms are not available, try to give each child her own space in the twins’ shared room (or in another room). Allow the child to decorate and organize the space as she wishes and support her efforts to ‘protect’ the space from unwanted intrusion by siblings.

4)  (REALLY) LEARN WHO EACH ONE IS

Relate to, and converse with, your children individually. When your twin children are young, ask them questions about what they like and don’t like so that you can learn early on what makes each child tick. Learn (and don’t forget!) which child likes which food and which colors and which songs. When you’re alone with one of your children, tell him what you’ve observed about him – tell him which wonderful and distinct attributes about him make you the most proud.

5)  MAKE TIME FOR ONE-ON-ONE INTERACTION

In order to really discover each child, you will need alone time with her during which she can feel comfortable to confide in you, without commentary or judgment from another family member. Engaging in separate activities with each child will further help bond you to each child as well as help the child feel special and unique. 

Many adult twins will tell you that they cannot recall sitting down for one meal with a parent without their twin sibling present. Take your young twin child to her favorite restaurant alone, just the two of you. You’ll be amazed at how happy this will make her — and you’ll be amazed at how much she’ll open up and share!

It’s also important for others in your twins’ lives to have one-on-one time. If there are other non-twin children in the family, coordinate times for each twin to have separate time with the non-twin sibling(s). If you can arrange for your twins to have alone-time with grandparents, aunts, cousins, etc., all the better! This will help your relatives discover what’s particular and enchanting about each child and this will help your twin children feel more like individuals. And don’t forget to schedule different play dates for your children with different friends. It makes sense that two different kids might get along (or not get along) with different peers, right?

6)  BIRTHDAY PARTIES SHOULD BE TAILORED FOR EACH TWIN         

It’s conceivable that a twin child might feel shortchanged by having to share his birthday party every year. Discuss having separate birthday parties with each child in private. If one child wishes to celebrate separately, honor that wish and consider representing the decision for separate birthday parties as one you alone have made. 

If you are welcoming birthday gifts for your twin children, gently guide relatives and friends as to the differing gift wish lists of each child. If your children are given identical gifts, separate your children or have them sit back-to-back when opening them. This way, each child can experience the joy and surprise of discovering the new gift without having it ruined by witnessing his twin sibling’s reaction upon unwrapping. 

If your twins decide to share their birthday party, there are simple ways to make your twins’ birthday feel more special for each child: make a personalized toast to each child; bake (or buy) two separate cakes (with each child’s respective favorite flavors and decorations); and sing “Happy Birthday” twice.

Whether it’s a celebration of the magical day your twins were born or a weekend full of errands and play dates, always consider that there are two children involved – two children with very distinctive needs and desires. In fact, in any situation, you may want to ask yourself, what would a parent of a singleton do…?

Dara Lovitz, Esq., lives in Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania, and is the mother of two very different twin toddlers. She is the author of the popular children’s book, Catching Falling Cradles: A Gentle Approach to Classic Rhymes, and is working on her next book:  an advice guide for parents of twins.

The post Top 6 Tips for Encouraging Individuality with Your Twins appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

When it comes to a twin pregnancy, the decision becomes even more difficult. As you get ready to welcome your twins you know there are plenty of unknowns in your near future. What will it be like? Will it be as hard as I imagine? What should I expect? In this article, we hope to shed some light on the pumping vs. nursing debate and hopefully make the decision a little easier.

Some Thoughts on Breastfeeding Twins

Most of us can agree that under ideal circumstances, breastfeeding is a great way to bond with your newborn. But in the case of two babies to feed, it can also be a source of stress. Let’s take a look at some of the ups and downs of breastfeeding twins.

The Up-Side of Breastfeeding Your Twins

Breastfeeding twins is doable. Plenty of twin moms make it work. For many new twin moms, breastfeeding offers them a great way to bond with their babies in the early weeks. Moms who nurse their babies report that they bond very quickly and studies have shown that they even have lower rates of post-partum depression. Breastfed babies get plenty of extra health boosts, including decreased rates of asthma and allergies later in life.

Beyond the health benefits, nursing is an easy way to get your babies fed. No need for thawing and warming, and no need to keep bottles around. Having the ability to feed on demand with no prep is a big asset for many moms. Instead of two crying babies waiting for their bottle to warm, breastfeeding offers instant access to food.

Obstacles to Breastfeeding Twins

Breastfeeding twins does come with some difficulties. Nursing moms will often lament about the time commitment to nursing. You finish one breastfeeding session just in time to start another. Now multiply that times two! Breastfeeding twins is time-consuming in the early weeks. Once moms and babies get more experienced and can tandem feed, it speeds up the process but it can take time to get acclimated.

Keeping up with the needs of your growing infants can also be hard on moms. Nursing exclusively means that as the mom, you can’t really leave the house for any length of time.

A final consideration is the pain and discomfort that comes with nursing. Soreness and tenderness are normal in the early stages of breastfeeding. Although this is usually a brief period of time, it is something to keep in mind.

What About Pumping?

Like breastfeeding, there are many benefits and drawbacks to pumping breastmilk for your twins. Let’s take a look.

The Benefits of Pumping for Your Twins

Opting to pump for your twins gives you the opportunity to feed your babies with a little more flexibility. Although they are not on the breast, babies who get breastmilk by bottle-feeding still get all of the same health benefits as breastfed infants. If you choose to pump, you also have flexibility in terms of WHO can feed the babies. Dad’s, older siblings, grandparents, and other family members can feed the babies and help out. It might even mean mom gets a break!

Pumping also means that moms do not necessarily have to keep up with the babies needs at the moment. By pumping throughout the day, moms can store milk to have ready when babies need it. No worry about supplies running low in a crazy moment of baby hunger.

Pumping Limitations

The biggest complaint parents have about pumping is cost and complexity. Top-of-the-line breast pumps can be pricey, if not covered by your insurance. While some hospitals allow you to rent hospital-grade pumps, the cost can add up over several months.

If you have never used a breast pump before, it can seem daunting at first. Most models have several dials and tubes to figure out. Usually, a read through the manual will set you straight, but knowing how to use your pump properly is important.

Some moms also note there can be discomfort caused by the suction of the pump. When used properly, there should not be much pain but as your nipples adjust to this new task, there can be soreness and tenderness.

Advantages of double pumping

Double pumping is a great way for moms to get the most out of each pumping session. For starters, this method shortens each pumping session by allowing moms to express milk from both breasts at the same time. What’s even better is that studies have shown that when moms double pump, they are able to pump more breastmilk when compared to single side pumping. This is probably in part to earlier and easier “let down.”

Storing, sharing and donating breast milk

While some moms initially may struggle to keep up with their twin’s milk demands, most find over time that they pump much more than they need. This means you can store that extra pumped breastmilk for later use.

You might even find that you pump so much milk that you will be able to use it all before it expires. Because breastmilk should only be stored in the fridge for up to five days (with three days being considered optimal) and a deep freezer for up to a year some moms will have more milk than their babies need. In this case, many moms choose to share or donate their expressed milk. There are many organizations that allow moms to share and donate milk with babies who are medically needy or can benefit from the health benefits of breast milk.

Best Breast Pumps

If it seems that pumping is the right choice for your family, having the right pump is really important. Let’s look at some of the top-selling models currently available.

Medela Pump in Style

The Medela Pump in Style is a great option for moms on the go. It is portable, lightweight and a strong performer. It can be used as a single or double pump and it is considered one of the most comfortable to use.

This model is great for moms who plan to pump multiple times a day, making it a great option for twin moms. It can be found for under $200 and comes complete with a backpack and storage system.

Spectra Baby S2

Spectra breast pumps are regarded by moms and hospitals as one of the best options available. The reasonable price point (under $175) makes it accessible even without insurance coverage. It’s considered a hospital grade pump and has plenty of customization options.

It is a closed system so you do not have to clean the narrow tubing and there is no air flow between expressed milk and pump tubing while pumping. It can be used as a single or double pump.

Lansinoh Smartpump

Another great option for twin moms choosing to pump full or part-time is the Lansinoh Smartpump. This pump can be used as a single or double pump and the suction level can be easily adjusted for moms comfort. A unique feature of this pump is that it connects wirelessly via Bluetooth with the Lansinoh breastfeeding app. The free app helps mom keep track of her nursing trends. The pump sells for under $140.

While the Lansinoh storage system does not come with the pump, you can purchase the storage container set separately.

BabySteps Independent

The BabySteps Independent pump is one of the smallest and quietest on the market. It weighs less than a pound and is quiet enough to pump while baby sleeps. It comes with bottle adjusters to accommodate either wide or narrow bottle tops, so you can use with any bottle system. Use either single or double and adjust the suction depending on your personal preference. With a price under $100, it is a great budget model.

Whether you choose to breastfeed or pump breast-milk, you are giving your babies the health advantage of breastmilk. While there are pros and cons to both options, it is important for moms to choose the feeding method that best meets the needs of your family. There is no right or wrong option, just what is right for you and your twins.

About the Author:

After earning a Master’s in Clinical and Forensic Psychology from Drexel University, Kristen Fescoe began a career as a therapist at two prisons in Philadelphia. At the same time, she volunteered as a rape crisis counselor. After becoming pregnant with twin daughters, she launched a career as a writer, editor and I/O psychologist. Kristen is a community activist and strongly believes that the mark we leave today will be seen for years to come.

The post What’s Right for You and Your Babies: Pumping or Breastfeeding? appeared first on TWINS Magazine.