Multiple multiples? Where do you even start to count your blessings?

At the best of times, parenting is a challenge. Add several sets of children all going through the “terrible twos,” the “ferocious fours” or the troubled teenage years at the same time, and the thought is often enough to make someone go a bit crazy. Where do you find the strength and energy? What kind of support is available? How does your marriage survive when it seems that life is focussed on the children? How do you have a normal life, and what does a “normal” life even look like?

We sat down with two families in Canada’s Golden Horseshoe to discuss parenting multiple sets of twins, to learn what their lives are like, what unique challenges they deal with every day, and what advice would they give to other parents in the same parenting boat.

Multiples often run in families so news of expecting twins is not that surprising for some families. For Kim Tait of Oakville, the news that she was expecting a second set of twins wasn’t as surprising or shocking as you might think. She says, “I just knew. I think your brain prepares you for this type of shocking information. We weren’t trying for more kids, so when I got pregnant again, I knew it was (twins) and wasn’t surprised when they told me.” For Lyndsay Petican of Burlington, the news was taken pragmatically. “We were like yes, this is what we do! We make twins. We already had the infrastructure, like car seats, cribs, and highchairs,” she explains.

We asked both families what they did differently with each set, or wish they had. For the Taits, they agree they became smarter the second time around. “With the first set we both tried to be up all the time to feed them; we realized with the second set that it’s impossible. So, we split the night up, doing shift work. My husband liked staying up late so as soon as my older daughter went to bed, I’d go to bed and wake up at 4 a.m. and start my day then. The babies would eat around 2-3 a.m. and then again around 5-6am. Feeding two crying babies in the middle of the night on no sleep is no party, but we found a system and stuck with it. It became easier with time.” For Lyndsay she explains that she definitely has a different viewpoint on parenthood, perhaps as any second time parent might. She tries to remember that “everything is a stage, and where newborn twins is really hard, it too is just a phase.”

As her kids started school, Lyndsay is learning from her actions with her older girls. She kept her daughters together until grade one, and then had them separated in school, as they began wanting their own friends and experiences. She’s been thinking of separating her sons earlier so they can grow more independent.

If there’s any advice either family would have liked to have in advance of having their second set of twins, it would be, according to Lyndsay, to “just be kind to yourself, try not to fixate on what you can’t do, and enjoy the things that you can. It is really hard at the beginning but it pays off in dividends doubly later.” For Kim, she said knowing what to expect probably made things a bit worse. “I knew it was going to be insane, and it was. We had four little boys in diapers at the same time.”

Many couples struggle with maintaining the romance in their marriage once kids come along. We wondered if having not just one, but two sets of children, and maybe even a singleton or two in addition, changes this part of their relationship dramatically? Or, does it strengthen a marriage in ways other couples might not understand? According to Lyndsay Petican, “My husband and I work as a great team… we have to. We try to get alone time where we can by grabbing a breakfast date or a quiet cup of coffee before all the kids awaken. We found it was easier when I was working to meet for breakfast rather than going out for dinner. We had a lot of our date nights by just making dinner and hanging out. Once every couple of months we go out for dinner and every year we have a kid-free vacation to Vegas or Nashville to relax.”

Kim’s experience is a bit different. “I would be lying if I said it didn’t have an impact on our marriage; this is hard. We are both working full-time, I commute an hour and all the kids have activities, so we are running in different directions all the time. Our kids are still young, so they need us for a lot of things; for now, we divide and conquer and at the end of the day we are exhausted and start all over again the next day. We don’t have a lot of time to just sit and talk, but as they say, this is a season of life, it’s constantly evolving and changing. Date nights are a challenge too. They get expensive quickly as we tend to have to hire two people to watch the kids. Add dinner and a movie and the cost adds up. So we don’t get to do it much unfortunately.”

Self-care is an aspect of life that is challenging for all parents, but even more for parents of multiples. Lindsay says her children’s nap time is very important to her, she tries to work out during one of the nap times, and online shopping has become very important to her, in order to keep her sense of self sometimes.

Support from family and the community is also invaluable as parents of multiples sometimes feel isolated because they can’t find time for themselves or time to leave the house to run errands or take part in recreational programs with all their children. Both women agree that without either a nanny or family members to help out, life would most definitely be more challenging. Lyndsay explains that with her first set of twins she “hung around singleton moms and felt very sad about the activities that I didn’t feel I could manage on my own (i.e., swimming, hikes). I spent a good bit of time grieving the maternity leave that I thought I would have. On my second mat leave with my boy twins I hung out with a lot of twin mamas; we mostly hung out at other people’s houses to keep all of our kids contained and less stress-free.” For her own well-being, and so an outing wouldn’t end up in tears (either the children’s or her own) she stopped signing up for programs that she knew were going to be unsuccessful for their family dynamic. Lyndsay also had support from her Mother-in-Law who would watch the boys to allow her to leave the house by herself and run errands. That was a much-needed break.

For the Taits, who have no immediate family nearby and have full-time jobs that often require travel, a nanny was the only way they could survive. When the nanny wasn’t available or one of the parents was out of town, their kids became used to doing their homework at a sports arena while the other siblings had a hockey practice. “We just drag them all along,” she explains.

We wanted to know if there exists any extra government of community support for parents with multiples. Lyndsay explains that she joined a twin mom group and they were a great support during maternity leave. “Maternity leave with twins is not relaxing, a longer maternity leave of two years would’ve really been great as you only received one year (when I was on mat leave).” She recently began volunteering with the Halton Breastfeeding Connection to support new moms and new twin moms with breastfeeding. It’s her way of giving back. For Kim, she wishes there had been more financial support when they had to have two nannies. “There is a maximum we can deduct for childcare on our taxes; we have definitely exceeded that each year. I wish there was flexibility there!” They have, however, found some support with rEcess Oakville, a respite program that offers free care to children with disabilities and their siblings while their parents enjoy a night out once a month.

For all the joys that multiple multiples bring, there are of course, emotional challenges. As might be expected, for both women, finding individual time to spend with each child is difficult but much-needed. For Kim, who has an older singleton daughter, she especially tries to spend some alone time with her because she knows her daughter needs that alone time the most. Both women agree that finding quality one-on-one time with each child is what they have the most mom guilt about.

Every parent wishes they could bond equally with their kids. For parents of multiples, it can seem like a daunting or impossible pipe dream. Lyndsay’s advice to new parents of multiple multiples is “be kind to yourself. Some days one child is needier than the other and then the next day it changes. It will not always be fair and equal, but you try to do the best for those kids and their own temperaments.” For Kim, her family has its own challenges, as her two youngest twins both have special needs, so she realizes she must spend more time with them. Her son Zackery is on the autism spectrum and she expresses, “he has definitely taught me so much about humans in general. I thought I knew how to parent, but boy has he challenged me in absolutely every way. There are days where all our focus is on him. His twin has moderate to severe ADHD, so he is always very busy. I make a point of spending time with my daughter alone, but I know this is a constant challenge and I’m very aware of it.”

Aside from bonding and finding time for each child, what seems to be the biggest challenge of having multiple multiples? “The price of daycare for multiples is crippling,” says Lyndsay. It can be as much as a second mortgage. Kim explains for them, it’s time management and not having a big safety net. That frustration of the unknown from day to day, makes this really hard sometimes. It especially hits home when there are health emergencies and everything seems so overwhelming.

We wondered how their families are coping with the isolation and quarantine of Covid-19? Lyndsay admits, “So much togetherness time has the increased the sibling fighting. My kids are happiest when we go out on adventures, but with limited adventures and limited contact with friends, especially for my 10-year-olds, this has been especially difficult. But in many ways, it has been easier too. Lindsay explains, “Our mornings are way less hectic. We let the girls sleep in. We don’t have to rush to make lunches. My husband has been home to help a lot more as he hasn’t been travelling for work.” And Kim agrees, “I think there is where big families shine. I can kick them out into the backyard, and they all play together and can entertain themselves (and each other). I think having a single child might be harder than five!”

In conclusion, the greatest joy for both families is seeing how all their children interact and love each other. For Kim, who herself is an only child, she didn’t understand the dynamics of siblings before she had children. “Watching the five of them interact is fascinating to me. I love just sitting back and watching them work through something together without us intervening. My daughter being the oldest, tends to take charge and all four boys listen to her lead. I think she will benefit from this role in her own life. And certainly, for the kids to have each other once we are gone is reassuring.”

For parents of multiple multiples, life is definitely busy, crazy, fun, exhausting and so much more. It’s parenting, multiplied. It’s also blessings, multiplied.

The post Double Double – life with two sets of twins appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Even in a regular year, school reports can cause tension in families — add in the impact of COVID, and you can expect that tension to increase.

Teachers share what’s happened so far in the school year in progress reports: a child’s transition to the classroom and grade, curriculum covered, learning skills development, academic progress, and next steps for improvement. It’s a time to celebrate strong efforts; for others, disappointment about aspects of their child’s performance and behavior.

With that, here are suggestions about how to prepare for your child’s school reports amid the pandemic:

Set realistic expectations: This is a tough year, for obvious reasons. Students are dealing with many challenges, and with respect to school, it’s “all vegetables and no dessert,” to quote psychologist Dr. Lisa D’Amour. All the fun stuff about school isn’t happening right now, and there’s a ton of other stresses on kids. Be realistic.

There’s more than one way to assess your child’s progress: Remember that teachers use various assessment methods when measuring student progress. Many of these methods are observation-based. Remote learning (and limited in-person activities last fall) may prevent teachers from getting a complete picture of your child’s progress and abilities. Kids may not come close to fulfilling their potential, thanks to all the masks, screens, and social distancing rules. All of these things can get in the way of kids really showing what they’re capable of.

Smart kid, wrong context: Consider that your child may not demonstrate their skills development in the assessment and evaluation methods available and used.

Report card reaction: First, take a deep breath. When you open your child’s report card and read it, pause, then breathe. Don’t “freak out” or punish your child. Again,  remember the current learning conditions are less than ideal. Instead, start a conversation with your child, and begin with the positives. Take note of the good comments and grades. Talk about the entire report: the good and the bad. However, try to focus on your child’s efforts instead of results or outcomes.

Reach out to the teacher: Book an interview and include your child in the meeting. Together, prepare discussion topics and questions for the interview. Get your kid ready to do lots of talking (this is the best chance to practice how to self-advocate!). Going forward, keep communication lines open with your child and their teacher about school activities, expectations, hopes, and goals.

Focus on solutions: Help your child set new goals. Make a plan for the remainder of the year. Hire a tutor, if needed. Don’t be afraid to outsource! Oftentimes it’s more effective to hire someone else to help when kids are struggling.

Finally, accentuate the positive: Reflect on how well things are going under the circumstances during the pandemic. Start and end your conversation with your child with aspects of their education that are going well.

Let’s put an asterisk beside this academic year and give everyone involved a bit of a break—students, teachers, and parents alike. However small they may be, celebrate the wins and acknowledge how well your family members are coping during these extraordinary times.

Best wishes!

___________

My tips blend well with many suggestions I share in my first book, Launch Your Kid: How to Promote Your Child’s Academic & Personal Success (without being a helicopter parent), which launched in January 2021.

-buy it today at www.righttrackeducation.ca/shop and use BACKYARDCAMP20 to get 20% off!

The post Preparing For Your Child’s Report Card appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

So how do children fare in this online environment? What sort of things should we consider as parents and educators to support our youth in this new set of challenges? Will these new circumstances create extra anxiety? What about our students with learning differences who may already be experiencing some anxiety in their schooling experiences?

When you consider some of the cognitive load that comes with online learning, there are many new potential stresses being introduced to the learning environment:

• Wifi or internet issues: freezing screens, downed internet, internet hiccups that might kick you out of your call temporarily (and missing content or instructions due to any of the above).
• New technology: trying to figure out how to open and use new software, how to save items, how to submit or “turn in” items, how to flip between seeing the live class and programs that you are supposed to be working on.
• Discomfort being on screen: it takes time to get used to having your face on the screen for all to see! There definitely could be some self-consciousness around this.
• Background noises: many students who are working from home may be contending with siblings who are also doing distance learning, parents working from home, pets running around, household chores being done, etc.
• Increased screen time in one place: especially in elementary school, kids are not used to sitting in one spot for long periods of time. They move from desk to small groups, to the library, to the gym, to the carpet, etc. They are not used to staring at a computer screen or being in one spot for such long periods.

When you look at all of these new potential items that children are contending with, within this context, it helps to understand how an online learning environment can produce extra anxiety and stress.

“Living with anxiety is like being followed by a voice. It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you. It gets to the point when it’s the loudest voice in the room. The only one you can hear.” – Unknown

Let’s chat about some of the things to keep in mind while assessing how our kids are TRULY doing from an emotional and mental health perspective during online learning:

Thought #1: Many of the things that cause school-related stress (keeping up with classmates and the pace of the class, not understanding content, time pressures on tests, having a hard time staying on task, etc.) will still trigger anxiety when learning at home. Those same stresses exist whether in a physical classroom or a virtual one.

Thought #2: Consider what the intended outcome is for attending school (to love learning, to develop and grow, to prepare us for the future, etc). Those are still the same goals but they have just become more complicated. We don’t know how the future will look and it is easy for all of us (kids included!) to feel hopeless and nervous about the possibilities.

Thought #3: There is still social pressure with online/remote learning. People are allowing access into their personal spaces and environment in a different way. This could create the possibility for ridicule, shame, and bullying. Kids also do not have their regular friends with them to chat with or feel supported by. This can be isolating and leave students feeling even more alone.

Thought #4: When we’re overwhelmed by the pressure we shut down, browse the web, and put off the tasks that are draining our energy. Our kids will do the same thing and when they get behind, procrastination, worry, and guilt might become a cyclical issue.

Thought #5: New York Times teachers found that about half of their students didn’t log into their remote learning courses. We have to consider the why behind this. It is easy to jump to the conclusion that those students don’t want to learn or are unmotivated (which is why they didn’t log on). However, we must look at students as individual people, each with their own set of circumstances. They may not be logging on due to many different reasons: anxiety, uncertainty, fear, family issues, tech issues, etc., and not just due to motivation issues.

Thought #6: Those with anxiety often feel uncomfortable with unpredictability and change. Right now online learning may seem to be the safest option for education, but there are also a lot of changes that come along with this mode of learning.

There have been so many changes this year. We need to keep checking in with our kids. Some of the struggles and anxieties they may be feeling are ones we can predict, others may take a little more digging, and need to be looked at from different angles and perspectives. With the unpredictability and uncertainty of life and learning right now, it is easy for anxiety to creep in.

So as a reminder to all of us, here are some common ways anxiety might manifest:

• Inability to focus
• Fear of school
• Tantrums over school/homework
• Headaches
• Stomach aches
• Restlessness
• Rapid breathing

Online learning can provide some great benefits to kids with learning differences such as ADHD, dyslexia, or LD over in-person classes. Let’s not look at either option as “the ideal” since none of our current options are perfect for our kids right now.

Instead, let’s support, nurture, guide, and watch out for them, and each other as we all ride this rollercoaster full of anxieties, uncertainties, and hopefully some moments of gratitude together.

“If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.” – Marvin J. Ashton

For more online learning tips and resources for children with learning differences, visit www.shiftyourthinkingld.com.

The post Assessing Your Child’s Mental Health While Learning Online appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Seemingly, each new day reveals a different headline or restriction to stop the spread of this monster virus and with each new piece of information, the kids readjust their learning and expectation of what the foreseeable future holds. The bizarre schedule rides like a bucking bronco stuck in a living room, but one with clear perks for twins and multiples. I hear mine laughing from the other room and can tell you, it’s a good day to be a twin!

Growing up with a twin sister while attending public school was tricky. My sister, the smarter and more responsible one, always kept me in line. I liked it on the days of forgotten algebra textbooks in middle school and extra reading material for points in elementary, but I recall clear memories wishing away my sister’s explanations for my misdeeds. At school, we ran with different friends because of our own differences and I kept a clear distance away from home.

Hearing laughter from the other room reminds me that this offers a season to reconnect as a family.

At home, however, one thing stayed the same, we were twins, sisters, and friends, wombmates to share life with. At home, our differences added diversity to our favorite pastimes and we felt just fine. Better than fine, in fact, because we always had a peer to play with. We engaged in discussions over books read or movies watched, we experimented in the kitchen and practiced the latest hair trends on each other. Unlike school, we escaped the classmates’ opinions and teachers’ judgments and the restricting schedule. Home together as twins rarely went wrong and we built a friendship there which far outlasted the bumpy journey of public school.

Hearing laughter from the other room reminds me that this time could be a time of panic and uncertainty, but it offers a season to reconnect as a family. Having a twin amidst “stay at home” orders helps the time pass with less weight and the place we call home a place where friendship blooms. 

Maybe these months will be the stuff of fond memories made similar to those of my childhood. While heavy worry with intermittent panic grows outside of our four walls, I desperately long to show my kids how safe home can be.

Someday, when talk of this virus dissipates, I don’t want my kids to remember the news anchors or the numbers or the missing toilet paper. I want them to remember the home-grown games and laughter and learning so the next time there is a panic, they long for this soft, safe place we all call home.

Like my yesteryears, this season of government-ordered “stay at home” showcases the positivity of twinhood. Without the pressures to conform to peers or professionals, twins focus on the things they know and love. In a season when other kids desperately long for a return to school for some company, a twin enjoys their built-in peer at home. Even managing virtual learning alongside a twin proves easier because someone is always there to help explain and discuss concepts, assignments, and inside jokes about the teachers. The fourteen-year-old twins in our home create scenarios about what a friend or teacher might say in response to a virtual assignment and then they grin and chuckle.

Yes, it’s a great day to be a twin!

The post It’s A Great Day To Be A Twin appeared first on TWINS Magazine.