1,190 miles apart.

And I somehow feel closer to her than I have in a long time. Every time I go out with my sister, someone asks us if we are twins, something that we are so accustomed to since we are in fact twins. The typical follow-up questions are the cheeky “Who’s the good twin?” and “Who’s the quiet one?” But the question that resonates with me the most is “Do you have twin telepathy?” It seems like such a ridiculous concept, but contemplating the matter, I do believe that we have telepathic powers in a strange way. While it is certainly not the way Hollywood or TV shows portray the dynamic, certainly it is something extraordinary that only twins can understand. Of course, we are not able to communicate test answers to each other or know exactly what the other is thinking at a certain point in time, but the bond that we share is like no other.

When I fractured my elbow in the second grade, peers constantly asked Jenni if she felt the excruciating pain. Thank goodness, no! However, we can both say that we sense each other’s emotions. During our high school years and college experiences, we have spent almost every day together. Interestingly, we both happen to be finance majors at the University of Georgia, so consequentially, we have many of the same classes, our lunch schedules coincide, and we naturally gravitate towards each other out of habit and convenience. In addition, we also live together along with two other roommates. We clearly always have an idea of what is going on in the other’s life since we spend many hours together in our normal daily routines. During the moments in which we have been apart, I have felt intense feelings of happiness or sharp pangs of sadness without reason. Later, I have found out that I am experiencing Jenni’s respective emotions, and the opposite is true as well.

The ultimate test of truly knowing whether we had a strong sense of each other’s emotions was when Jenni moved to Minneapolis for a 10-week internship.

10 weeks.

Now, that’s a long time, especially considering that we were together in the womb for 9 months and developed an intimate, inseparable bond ever since. I knew that being apart for so long would be a challenge for both of us, as we have historically been quite dependent on each other for support. During the first week of both of our summer internships, I withdrew myself from friends and family, as I honestly felt miserable. I avoided talking about my work and dodged all questions addressing it. Jenni noticed that something was off. Ultimately, I never told her anything about my experience and how I felt like a fish out of water in a field that I did not care for at all. I made the decision to resign from my position without telling her because I did not want to worry her or cause her to feel any distress when she was obviously powerless to help me with my situation.

When I finally had the courage to tell her that I resigned from my position, she told me that she was not surprised at all. She felt intense levels of discomfort and felt out of place without knowing why. She obviously was adjusting to her new environment in Minneapolis but could not explain feelings of dread and misery that she periodically felt. I knew that she had been feeling the emotions that I had experienced during my internship. Knowing that Jenni somewhat understood how I was feeling gave me a sense of relief and consolation. Knowing that despite being almost 2000 miles apart, we could still empathize with each other was a beautiful feeling.

During the past month since my resignation from my summer position, I have been searching to fill an emptiness that I was feeling from a lack of passion for my career. My twin has supported me throughout these struggles and has given me words of encouragement throughout this difficult, uncomfortable, and at times painful process. This week, I noticed that I was feeling upbeat and rejuvenated, eager to read and write for fun, something that was much-needed but I had not done for years. This week truly has been a turning point for me. However, suddenly, on the Fourth of July, I felt an indescribable amount of emotional pain and was wondering

Where is this coming from?

My instinct told me that something with Jenni was not right. The following day, I received a phone call from Jenni, which really surprised me, because I am typically the one to call her first. I dropped everything that I was doing at that moment because I felt that she needed me and urgently. Sure enough, she was in tears, and I had correctly suspected what the matter was with her situation. The dynamic that we have is something felt on such a deep level; we are always connected, as we share the same DNA and have very similar life experiences. In a way, feeling her emotions makes me feel hopeless because no matter what I say or do, I know there really is nothing that I can do for her other than give her consoling words and a hug when she is there with me.

While these responses do help the other person to feel supported and loved, it certainly does not alleviate the pain that the other is feeling.

After our conversation, I felt guilty that there was nothing I could do in the moment to make her feel better. I couldn’t leave my work and take a plane to visit her in Minneapolis; even if I could, my mere presence wouldn’t solve her problems. All I could do was hope and pray that with time, she would feel better, and she will.

That night, I had an interesting idea. I sent Jenni a post of a leg work-out that I had found and challenged her to perform the exercises with me. While it may seem silly, I felt Jenni’s presence while I was working out and felt more motivation because I knew she was doing it with me. It was a peaceful way to end the day, and after feeling each other’s strong emotions, the work-out was a metaphorical way in which we communicated to each other that we would grow stronger amid our circumstances.

[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’]https://twinsmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/AileenVezeau-cropped.jpg[/author_image] [author_info]Aileen Vezeau is a fourth-year finance and Spanish student at the University of Georgia. She is passionate about volunteering in the Athens community as a Spanish interpreter at a health clinic and at elementary schools. During her free time, she enjoys playing volleyball, soccer, and of course spending time with her twin!

aileen_vezeau on Instagram [/author_info] [/author]

The post It’s a Twin Thing appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

As an adult, I consider myself very lucky to have an identical twin sister. Now that we both have our own children, we often talk about the wonderful childhood memories we share—along with a few of the twin-related struggles we wish could be erased. It would be amazing if we could simply press the rewind button on a magical remote control and re-record some past events.

Yet, the reality is that we all have some life lessons to uncover, and that includes twins. In fact, it has taken my twin and me years to learn and then to convey one message: Even though we are a fabulous duo, we are also amazing individuals who must only fulfill the expectations we have for ourselves. I have also become my sister’s number-one fan, encouraging her acting and singing pursuits while she supports my many writing endeavors.

I know—being the twin that I am—I should think twice before giving any advice. Yet if parents of twins benefit by having as much information and guidance as they can muster, who better to share with them unique insights than me, a twin?

Each twin—like every child—needs to feel that she is a special individual. Many times my sister and I were referred to as “the twins,” by well-meaning people in our lives, instead of by our separate names. After a while, we began to feel like one entity, as if we were a pair of shoes, barely distinguishable (except one of us was the left, and the other, the right.) We gently reminded everyone what our names were and responded once we were called by them. Even if twins look similar and have shared interests, it’s vital to nurture each twin’s persona—her strengths, aspirations and talents.

The key to mastering this philosophy is to keep the doors—double doors—of communication open. Parents should schedule alone-time or “special” time for doing an activity of each twin’s choice—even if it’s just to have a conversation. Then when situations arise that twins have trouble handling, they’re more likely to feel comfortable discussing them with adults, parents especially.

Validate each twin’s feelings, even if you don’t understand them. After all, it’s difficult for singletons to understand what it’s like to live as a twin. Having family discussions with all children is a key ingredient in many successful families. Twins, in particular, may need to discuss unique issues such as whether or not they want to dress alike. This is a topic so many parents of twins wonder about; in fact, the ones whom I’ve met have always asked me about it. The answer, to me, is to ask the twins about their feelings once they are old enough. Some toddlers know at an early age what their preferences are. They may even want to dress alike at times and differently at others. This can change as they grow.

For example, my twin and I loved dressing alike as toddlers all the way through sixth grade. Then, when our family moved from the Bronx to the suburbs, we changed our minds. Starting at a new school was difficult enough without peers saying we looked like “The Bobsey Twins.” Students and teachers had been comparing us so much we were compelled to express our individuality. One way of doing this was through our attire.

For the first time, we purchased single clothing items and the doubles that we already had in our closets were worn on different days by each of us. We told our parents about this and asked them to encourage our relatives, who bought us gifts, to honor this request as well.

Adults can help prepare twins and family members for situations they encounter—and model possible responses. I know for my sister and me this would have been extremely helpful in dealing with the insensitive comparisons made—and the ridiculous questions onlookers often ask.

Additionally, our younger sister, who felt “left out” because nobody ever made a “big deal” about her, would also have benefited from these discussions. My twin and I often explained to our younger sister that we didn’t like the constant attention we received—however positive people might have intended it to be—because it often led to onlookers asking or commenting which of us was “nicer,” “prettier,” or “smarter.”

Sly sarcasm, devilish grins

Until we learned how to respond, we usually remained silent, often feeling badly for the twin relegated to second place. As we grew, we learned appropriate responses to these unfair critiques. We used light sarcasm and laughter as powerful tools. When asked which of us was prettier, I might say, “Oh, my sister, of course. She’s gorgeous and I look just like her.”

Or, to the question: “Which one of you is nicer?” I have responded, “Neither of us; we’re both double trouble.” A big grin usually sealed the response nicely.

Each set of twins is a one-of-a-kind partnership. No two sets of kids are really alike. People often generalize about twins because they know one set and think everybody else is the same, but it’s just not true.

Decisions about children, including twins, are specific to every family’s situation. When parents of twins ask me questions about whether or not their twins should be placed in the same class, or be allowed to wear a ring or pierced earrings to differentiate one from the other, the best answer I can give them is that “It’s a personal choice,” based on the circumstances unique to their twins’ relationship.

I always like to assure parents that if they make mistakes—like all parents do—they can make adjustments later and move forward. For example, twins in one of my children’s classes were separated during first grade at the school’s recommendation. For second grade, however, the twins’ parents, based on feedback from their kids, requested that the school place them in the same second grade class.

Although my twin sister lives in a different state, I share an indescribable bond with her. When our children—her three girls and my two boys—are together, it’s as if we are one family. It was like this from the moment our children met. As adults, we remain similar in the ways we dress and our food preferences. We often buy each other identical items, and our families spend holidays and summer vacations together.

Now when we get together, we relish onlookers’ attention and hope one day to do commercials or pursue other twin-related endeavors. We may use the same pitch we used when pursuing our babysitting careers at age 12: “Two for the price of one.”

The post Tales from Twins: Twin Advice appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

What’s it like being a twin? It’s predictable that’s what. Being asked the same set of questions over and over for the last 30-odd years is beginning to bore me. While smiling sweetly and pretending I’ve never heard their question before, I dream up the answers I’d secretly like to give.

Firstly, let’s address that most obvious question. “What’s it like being a twin?”

Well, that’s a tough one. Difficult to answer because (a) I’ve never been anything else and (b) I haven’t asked all the twins in the world, I just know what it’s like to be me. Let me throw it back at you: what’s it like not being a twin? I’ve always wondered. Oddly enough, I never ask anyone, because it would make me look a bit stupid, wouldn’t it?

And then comes… “Are you identical?”

It’s fair enough that you ask this question. Unless we’re both standing there right in front of you, in which case I’d suggest that you might like to work on your powers of observation, Sherlock.

As soon as you tell them that yes, you are in fact identical, they’re itching to know: “Did your mom dress you the same as kids?”

No, she didn’t. That’s because she’s an intelligent and sensitive soul, who realized that she’d given birth to two individual human beings with their own identities, not a set of performing monkeys all cutesy-tutesy in their matching ickle outfits. (Note to any parents who do this. Start saving your money; start saving it now, because your little treasures will be in therapy sooner than you can say ‘Sigmund Freud’ and it’s only fair that you foot the bill).

They want to know about the fun side of being a twin. “Have you ever pretended to be the other one to confuse your teachers?” they ask.

No twin I know has ever done this; it only happens in the movies. Also, please see above – we were wearing different clothes – this made impersonation a bit more difficult. I’ve often pondered why people think we would have wanted to do this. At school we spent half our lives being called the wrong name. A regular blow to our self-esteem. Why then would we volunteer for more of the same by pretending to be the person whose name we definitely didn’t want to be called?

So then they go on to try and find some differences between you. They want to know who was born first?

I was. That is all.

They are dying to hear about the special connection you have with your twin, asking “Do you get ‘that twin thing’. You know – when you can read each other’s minds?”

I hate to disappoint you, because it sounds like you place great faith in the capabilities of the human mind, but it’s not actually possible for one person to read another’s thoughts. Even when those two people originated from the same egg. That’s what I keep repeating to her in my head, anyway.

Disappointed with the unexciting reply to their previous question, they ask instead “Do the two of you feel each other’s pain?”

We’ve suffered the indignity of being called the wrong name, spent our whole lives being compared with one another, been dealt the humiliation of weighing more since birth (oh ok then, that was just me) and you ask if we feel each other’s pain? What kind of cruel, sadistic creator would do that to twinkind? Of course I don’t feel her pain. I have enough of my own to deal with, thank you very much.

By this point, having struggled to find anything exciting about being a twin, they want to know “What’s your favorite thing about being a twin?” Being asked all these questions. Really, it is. As if being a twin hasn’t made me feel special enough, they think it’d be great if I could have twins myself. “I wonder if you’ll give birth to twins?”, they ponder.

It’s possible I guess, but luckily for me as an identical twin, it’s not hereditary. That means you’re just as likely to have twins as I am. Ha! Bet you wished you’d never asked, don’t you?

Finally, as they’ve not yet had the chance to meet her, they are dying to know “What’s she like? You must be pretty similar, right?”

Have you heard the one about the chalk and the cheese? Despite being brought up in exactly the same environment as me, by exactly the same parents, she developed her very own personality, tastes and interests. Amazing, huh? And that’s the most incredible thing about being a twin – knowing that I share 99.99% the same DNA as someone, but that she’s a completely different person, not me at all.

Sally Campbell is a 36-year-old identical twin from the UK. Mom to a very active one year old boy, she wonders how her own mom ever coped with two!

The post That ‘Twin Thing’ appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Congratulations! Welcome to the grand adventure of twin care. If you’re anything like the rest of us parents who have given birth to multiples, it’s likely that you have little on your mind but survival-the babies and your own. You are doing everything you can to maintain a healthy pregnancy. And, you are making practical plans for organizing the household and getting the help you will need to function well in the sleepy fog that comes with the early days and weeks of baby care. As family and friends help you accomplish the practical things on your to-do list, you will begin to feel more in control. Your worries will fade a little. You will begin to believe that you really are going to have twins-or more-and to imagine what life will be like for your babies who are going to be born together.

“How will I bond with both or all of my babies at once?” you may wonder. This is a natural concern for we know that newborns need loving attention in order to thrive. The truth is you can indeed bond with two or more, but the process will be a little different from bonding with one single-born baby. Perhaps your experience won’t meet your expectations of falling equally in love with each of the babies on day one. More than likely your first bond will be with the group. In the early foggy days you will put one foot in front of the other to meet their needs. As one mother recalled, “Our life was a marathon of feeding, changing, burping, walking the floor, then starting all over again. Some days I couldn’t remember which baby had been fed and which one still needed his bath.” Gradually, through the haze of your daily routines, you will being to pick up the clues that each baby gives you about who they are and what they need. Harry may need to be walked for fifteen minutes to settle him down after every feeding. Roger, on the other hand, may fall asleep while nursing and need to have his feet tickled to keep him awake. As you respond to each of their individual needs, you and the babies will learn more about each other and your connections will deepen.

But supposing one or more of the babies has to stay in the hospital longer than the other? What then? How can you bond when your heart is stretched between the baby in the nursery at home and the one in the hospital? One dad explained, “We did our best to give each baby what he needed. We worried day and night about Andy in the hospital. We took turns visiting him and caring for Charlie at home. My mother came and helped with Charlie, too, so that Anne and I could visit Andy together sometimes. Knowing that Charlie was in good hands was a terrific relief.”

It’s true that newborns require consistent loving care, but they won’t mind if does not always come from you. Arrange for the best substitute care you can find. You will have plenty of time to get better acquainted when everyone comes home from the hospital. Remember that bonding is not a single event; it is a process. And you can take heart from the adage that “All good things take time.”

Keep in mind, too, the benefits the babies gain from their relationship. They have already bonded with each other in the womb. Research is beginning to produce evidence that newborn twins are a comfort to each other. The presence of one can even improve the other’s health. You may be able to tap this resource by arranging to bring the well baby for a visit with his or her co-twin in the hospital.

Whether or not your babies come home together or separately, the relationship between them will shape their lives right from the start. They are individuals who are born as members of a team. They will grow up with a strong relationship to the other members of their team. Their relationship bond brings with it life-enhancing possibilities which are seldom enjoyed by single-born children. Soon they will begin to light up with joy at the sight of each other. Their daily companionship during early childhood lays the foundation for lifelong comraderie. Even pairs who have a feisty relationship will come to each other’s defense when another child tries to take away a toy or a stranger is critical of one.

Their close connection also challenges common notions regarding the individuation process. Since they come into the world in a relationship with each other, they will experience and relate to you and the rest of their family both as individuals and as members of their team. They share many early experiences as a team, however, they each have their own perception of those experiences. You will soon discover that they are not the “two little bookends” one mother imagined before her girls were born.

The way parents respond to this reality affects the way multiples see themselves and it affects the way others relate to them, too. Now, before they arrive is a good time to think through the ways in which you will help yourself and others identify each child as an individual. People will have no trouble seeing the babies as a group!

An excellent place to start is with the choice of their names. As you go through the selection process keep in mind that names that are distinctly different from each other, like Susan and Jane, will help people learn who is who. Names that underscore the children’s status as multiples such as ones that begin with the same letter or sound very similar such as, Deanne and Leanne, make it difficult for others to remember which child is which.

Another arena in which you can help keep their identities straight is clothes. Dressed alike your babies will stop traffic for few can resist a peek at multiples. This attention-getting approach to their wardrobes can be fun now and then, but when practiced on a daily basis it submerges the children in their team and reduces the chances of their being treated like the individuals they are. I remember a pair of shy teenage girls who dressed alike every day. When their classmates asked why, they replied in unison, “We’re twins and twins are supposed to dress alike.” How sad for them that their devotion to twinship kept them isolated from their classmates.

All of the above may seem like abstractions until your babies are born and you experience the dynamics of their different personalities. They will quickly teach you about themselves by the ways in which they respond to you and their environment. One may be content to snuggle and sleep for long periods. Another may be wide-eyed and curious, following everything that goes on in the household. You may be surprised and amazed to find that although you are the one providing their nurture and care, they are the ones leading the way.

Patricia Malmstom, Director of Twin Services Consulting, is the co-author of The Art of Parenting Twins (Ballantine Books, 1999) and the mother of four adult children, including monozygotic “identical” twins.

Keys to developing individuality & supporting the twin relationship

• Give each baby what they need when they need it.

• Choose distinctive names.

• Dress babies differently from each other.

• Allow co-multiples to enjoy each other’s company.

• Teach respect for each other’s differences and similarities.

The post The Twin Bond appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Many twins unsuspectingly have limited access to their inner life because of the expectable emotional disruption triggered by growing up alongside a same-age sibling. Until there is a developmental change or environmental shift, many twins are oblivious about having missed out on the opportunity or freedom to acknowledge their “gut” feelings. Many twin pairs maintain their compatibility by accommodating to the needs of the other. So, if one twin has grown up recognizing that an emotional equilibrium is best managed by allowing his twin to be in control, it is plausible to deduce that the compromising twin feels stymied in connecting with his inner self.

If one twin commandeers the twinship, the other might struggle to have faith in himself as well as in his sense of reality. Feeling self-assured about trusting one’s instincts helps to build self-confidence and assertiveness. It facilitates a capacity to believe in himself and in his ability to follow through with his convictions. At the same time, it allows for resilience that can help cushion inevitable failures and rejection. Sadly, an overly compliant twin who exists on high alert to keep his twin content will not experience these feelings. It may be that this secondary position contributes to his feeling devalued and unimportant.

A creative young man in his mid-twenties, whom I will call Barney, has come to recognize recently that his twin brother demanded both nonverbally and verbally that he conform to his twin’s expectations and demands. Barney was not resentful about this arrangement because his twin bond was integral to his sense of self. He had not realized how much his compliance contributed to his enormous self-doubts, oversensitivity, and lack of self-esteem. Now that he can appreciate the consequences of this situation, he is working hard to discover his intrinsic voice and trust his instincts. He feels liberated from the constraints and limitations that he has placed upon himself. He delights in experimenting with his newfound talents to expand his creativity and essence.

The post The Importance of Forming Your Own Identity As A Twin appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

When a twin gets in touch with me and tells me that he has seen a therapist in the past, invariably each attests to a shameful commonality – the therapist has proclaimed that the twin who feels abandoned, jealous, and guilty about his twin getting married, moving away, or having a better job is nothing short of SELFISH. This therapeutic lack of insight, empathy, and understanding about a twin’s state of mind in this predicament drives me crazy. I imagine that if a singleton sibling were in treatment and these same emotions surfaced, the clinician might not rush to judgment about that individual’s moral compass. More than likely, these feelings would fall under something that would come under the purview of normal “sibling” rivalry.  

Well, let me break it to you gently—twins who feel upset and disappointed with their twin fall under the rubric of normal “twin” rivalry. Grasping the nuances and ambivalent ramifications of a twin connection commands an in-depth and specialized knowledge of and appreciation for the twin challenges.

It’s fascinating that nontwins might assume that twins would and should be on the same page with feelings and thoughts no matter what – isn’t that the expectable twintuition? Social media, in particular, can’t seem to get enough of twins holding hands, babbling in their shared secret language, and reading about twins marrying twins! I am not denigrating the love that twins feel for one another; rather, I am attempting to educate folks that the road to healthy twin intimacy can be rocky and full of potholes. Parents and clinicians alike cannot be blind-sighted by their wishes to see twins in a holier than thou spotlight.

It has been my experience that the sets of twins who do confront the cracks in the twin relationship and receive proper counseling lead lives whereby their capacities for intimate connections with their twin and significant others are highly evolved and comfortable. SELFish is working through the complicated issues that interfere with twins feeling and experiencing a separate SELF. 

The post Feeling Negative Emotions Towards Your Twin? It’s Normal appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Those of you who follow my blog are familiar with the caretaker and cared-for dynamic within twinships. Essentially, one twin assumes the role of looking after the other—either consciously or unconsciously. This behavior can emerge organically or be influenced by parental expectations. I have been so fortunate to work with twins of all ages who seek my guidance when this dynamic is disrupted.

Many caretaking twins simply become overwhelmed by their sibling’s demands. The caretaker begins to feel bitter and angry about the years she has spent putting her twin’s needs and feelings ahead of her own desires. She experiences accumulated feelings of resentment about the lack of reciprocity or appreciation. She wants to pull back or flee.

However, at the same time, she feels a compulsion to satisfy her twin’s demands because the thought of abandoning her charge is unfathomable. While her caretaking role may be exhausting, she covets a connection with her sibling and struggles with change. The caretaking twin suffers tremendous emotional angst as she attempts to define a new normal for herself. The biggest hurdle seems to be her guilt about fulfilling a moral obligation. How can she justify taking care of herself at the risk of hurting her twin?

The cared-for twin is less prevalent in the therapeutic milieu; nonetheless, when she does seek advice, she complains that her sibling is controlling and dominating. The caretaking twin refuses to recognize that she is no longer needed in some fundamental ways. She is reluctant to relinquish her pseudoparental position. The cared-for sister attempts to tell her twin that she no longer wants to feel dependent or second rate. She loves her sibling but wants to be recognized for her independence and growth rather than reproached for appearing ungrateful or manipulative.

Either way, a systematic shift occurs in the twin relationship. Understandably, a rift may emerge until both siblings can adjust to the new parameters with mutual understanding and an acceptance of each other’s position. As those of us who have worked through these conflicts can attest, we do not stop feeling empathy for our twin. Rather, our compassion for and overidentification with our twin does not inhibit our own capacity to feel joy about our own lives.

The post The Caretaker Twin And The Cared-For Twin appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Many psychotherapists feel disheartened and discouraged when treating a couple who appears to be unable to reestablish trust and stability. And so it goes, as well, with some twin pairs who struggle to get their relationship back on track. It requires a tremendous amount of effort, dedication, and commitment to work through upsetting events and traumatic feelings.

I am working with a pair of identical female twins in their mid-fifties to facilitate their capacity to listen to one another and attempt to rekindle their connection. Since their mother died a year ago, both recognize and acknowledge that the only family they have left is each other. Feeling desperate about their inability to get along and recognize the other as a separate person, they contacted me for help. A multifaceted number of variables has hindered the evolution of their relationship for many years.

Both women have diametrically opposing personalities, which is one of many factors contributing to their lack of connection. Sally is outspoken, energetic, fast-paced, and extroverted. Her sister Serena is methodical, low keyed, shy, and orderly. When Serena gets upset by something that her sister says or does, she shuts down completely. She becomes anxious when she hears Sally express frustration, anger, or impatience; consequently, she cannot respond to Sally’s feelings in any meaningful way. Serena shared that it took her two years to muster up the courage to tell Sally that she hated visiting her apartment because it was so messy and unkempt.

Sally, on the other hand, is mystified by why Serena cannot respond to her feelings at all. Since Sally believes that she puts her feelings out there in a clear and concise manner, she becomes emotionally distraught about Serena’s inability to take care of her in these moments. Sally is also triggered into a panic state when Serena thwarts her efforts to be Serena’s emotional caretaker. Sally played this role throughout their lives and feels stripped of her function and duty when Serena rejects her offers of advice and counsel. Telephone conversations end up being empty and meaningless because Serena’s need for quiet self-reflection and passive responses leave Sally feeling empty, alone, and abandoned. 

Both women endured tremendous emotional and physical trauma growing up. As a consequence, Sally has adopted a persona who comes across as dogmatic, controlling, and powerful. Serena, on the other hand, says that she never felt heard or recognized in her family because Sally was the stronger twin. As a result, Serena is reluctant to assert herself in any real way when her sister is involved. She reverts back to her childhood, feeling isolated and alone in her attempts to handle overwhelming fears. It is tragic that sisters longing to feel safe and loved by the other are paralyzed by old defensive patterns. Both are understandably too fearful of changing or trusting the other, hiding their vulnerability behind these childhood roles. Their interpersonal difficulties spill over onto other relationships outside of their twin connection. Both look for friends who can mirror exactly what they need to feel safe and recognized.

Our goal will be to tackle the traumatic childhood experiences that continue to drive a wedge between the sisters and hopefully establish a safe emotional place for each of them. If they can agree to disagree and find a place of mutual recognition, each will be able to work through their emotional distress—Sally allowing Serena to be herself and Serena learning how to manage Sally’s wrath without fear of incrimination or retaliation.

I have titled this piece “Tilting at Windmills” out of a desire to show that many of us, not just twins, deplete ourselves emotionally by fighting off outdated psychic demons that are no longer pursuing us. Psychoanalytic psychotherapy enables the patient to understand the developmental root causes of presenting issues and work toward a healthier resolution in the future.

The post How Childhood Trauma Affects Twins in Their Adulthood appeared first on TWINS Magazine.