That day, the double rainbow my parents marveled at foreshadowed my existence—only, at the time, they had no idea that 2 weeks later, they would find out they were pregnant with twins. Identical twins.

For most people, starting college, or any new beginning is a lonely endeavor.

For most of my life, I’ve never felt this type of loneliness. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been separated from my identical twin sister, Grace. It’s been nearly 2 decades since my parents marveled at that double rainbow, and I met my best friend. From the neonatal intensive care unit to now, here at Duke, we’ve been through life side-by-side, in every sense of the phrase. Our twinship dominates my identity.

So naturally, orientation week at Duke was filled with the classic phrase chain, “I just met you… Grace, right?” and then, “No way, that was your twin?” which was usually followed by, “I wish I was a twin.” Yup. The first week, month, even semester, was marked by our new peers and friends mixing us up. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be known as Liv, instead of Liv & Grace… or, more commonly, the Haywards. And it’s not that I don’t like that, I do. It’s just that the concept of being known individually seems foreign.

Ever since we were little, we’ve been friends with the same people. As self-proclaimed “floaters” we would sometimes float to different people separately and then introduce our new friends to each other. Although I’ve always felt comfortable spending time with my friends without Grace present, I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the twin-ergy we give off when we’re together. We, quite literally, feed off each other’s energy. Given we are two naturally spirited individuals, it’s almost too easy to egg each other on. As much as “double the trouble” is cliché, it is also true. When we’re together, we’re our true selves. It’s hard to explain, but I feel a sense of comfort knowing Grace is with me. In conversations, it’s common for us to seamlessly finish each other’s sentences, share glances that carry meaning without needing the words to accompany them, and usually if one of us starts laughing, it’s virtually impossible for the other to stay serious.

As hard as it is to believe, Grace and I were very close to applying early decision to separate schools. If admitted, this notion of individuality would have been a lot less foreign. But I don’t think either of us was ready to split just yet. Of course, it’s in our cards to live separate lives, but not yet. The athletic, academic, and social obstacles I’ve faced at Duke would have been far more challenging if I didn’t go through them with Grace by my side. There is something remarkably special about having a deep, authentic appreciation of exactly who we are to each other. The phrase “I wish I was a twin” that I’ve heard countless times since starting college is one that consistently reminds me of the gift that is our twinship.

It’s easy to compare twins, especially when they’re identical.

Read that again and tell me that isn’t the most ironic statement. We are as identical as it gets and yet, constantly compared. It sounds wack but I kind of get it. Because we are so alike, there is this desire to find a difference. We’ve heard the phrases “who’s faster, who’s taller, who’s smarter, who’s more outgoing, who’s funnier.” We’ve even been victims to arguably the worst of them all, “who’s prettier.” While we usually let these comments pass, it would be unfair to say they don’t affect our relationship. I sometimes ponder the answers myself. I wonder if the people who ask these questions also answer them with their friends behind closed doors?

What other people say, I’m certain will never cut too deep though. Because in my heart I know that we aren’t competitors fighting to be the “faster, taller, smarter, funnier, prettier, more outgoing” twin. We’re sisters who make each other better and build each other up despite what other people say. And our closest friends will admit, if you spend enough time with us, we’re different people with unique personalities who just happen to look strikingly similar.

The post Double Rainbows – Twinning in College appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

As an adult, I consider myself very lucky to have an identical twin sister. Now that we both have our own children, we often talk about the wonderful childhood memories we share—along with a few of the twin-related struggles we wish could be erased. It would be amazing if we could simply press the rewind button on a magical remote control and re-record some past events.

Yet, the reality is that we all have some life lessons to uncover, and that includes twins. In fact, it has taken my twin and me years to learn and then to convey one message: Even though we are a fabulous duo, we are also amazing individuals who must only fulfill the expectations we have for ourselves. I have also become my sister’s number-one fan, encouraging her acting and singing pursuits while she supports my many writing endeavors.

I know—being the twin that I am—I should think twice before giving any advice. Yet if parents of twins benefit by having as much information and guidance as they can muster, who better to share with them unique insights than me, a twin?

Each twin—like every child—needs to feel that she is a special individual. Many times my sister and I were referred to as “the twins,” by well-meaning people in our lives, instead of by our separate names. After a while, we began to feel like one entity, as if we were a pair of shoes, barely distinguishable (except one of us was the left, and the other, the right.) We gently reminded everyone what our names were and responded once we were called by them. Even if twins look similar and have shared interests, it’s vital to nurture each twin’s persona—her strengths, aspirations and talents.

The key to mastering this philosophy is to keep the doors—double doors—of communication open. Parents should schedule alone-time or “special” time for doing an activity of each twin’s choice—even if it’s just to have a conversation. Then when situations arise that twins have trouble handling, they’re more likely to feel comfortable discussing them with adults, parents especially.

Validate each twin’s feelings, even if you don’t understand them. After all, it’s difficult for singletons to understand what it’s like to live as a twin. Having family discussions with all children is a key ingredient in many successful families. Twins, in particular, may need to discuss unique issues such as whether or not they want to dress alike. This is a topic so many parents of twins wonder about; in fact, the ones whom I’ve met have always asked me about it. The answer, to me, is to ask the twins about their feelings once they are old enough. Some toddlers know at an early age what their preferences are. They may even want to dress alike at times and differently at others. This can change as they grow.

For example, my twin and I loved dressing alike as toddlers all the way through sixth grade. Then, when our family moved from the Bronx to the suburbs, we changed our minds. Starting at a new school was difficult enough without peers saying we looked like “The Bobsey Twins.” Students and teachers had been comparing us so much we were compelled to express our individuality. One way of doing this was through our attire.

For the first time, we purchased single clothing items and the doubles that we already had in our closets were worn on different days by each of us. We told our parents about this and asked them to encourage our relatives, who bought us gifts, to honor this request as well.

Adults can help prepare twins and family members for situations they encounter—and model possible responses. I know for my sister and me this would have been extremely helpful in dealing with the insensitive comparisons made—and the ridiculous questions onlookers often ask.

Additionally, our younger sister, who felt “left out” because nobody ever made a “big deal” about her, would also have benefited from these discussions. My twin and I often explained to our younger sister that we didn’t like the constant attention we received—however positive people might have intended it to be—because it often led to onlookers asking or commenting which of us was “nicer,” “prettier,” or “smarter.”

Sly sarcasm, devilish grins

Until we learned how to respond, we usually remained silent, often feeling badly for the twin relegated to second place. As we grew, we learned appropriate responses to these unfair critiques. We used light sarcasm and laughter as powerful tools. When asked which of us was prettier, I might say, “Oh, my sister, of course. She’s gorgeous and I look just like her.”

Or, to the question: “Which one of you is nicer?” I have responded, “Neither of us; we’re both double trouble.” A big grin usually sealed the response nicely.

Each set of twins is a one-of-a-kind partnership. No two sets of kids are really alike. People often generalize about twins because they know one set and think everybody else is the same, but it’s just not true.

Decisions about children, including twins, are specific to every family’s situation. When parents of twins ask me questions about whether or not their twins should be placed in the same class, or be allowed to wear a ring or pierced earrings to differentiate one from the other, the best answer I can give them is that “It’s a personal choice,” based on the circumstances unique to their twins’ relationship.

I always like to assure parents that if they make mistakes—like all parents do—they can make adjustments later and move forward. For example, twins in one of my children’s classes were separated during first grade at the school’s recommendation. For second grade, however, the twins’ parents, based on feedback from their kids, requested that the school place them in the same second grade class.

Although my twin sister lives in a different state, I share an indescribable bond with her. When our children—her three girls and my two boys—are together, it’s as if we are one family. It was like this from the moment our children met. As adults, we remain similar in the ways we dress and our food preferences. We often buy each other identical items, and our families spend holidays and summer vacations together.

Now when we get together, we relish onlookers’ attention and hope one day to do commercials or pursue other twin-related endeavors. We may use the same pitch we used when pursuing our babysitting careers at age 12: “Two for the price of one.”

The post Tales from Twins: Twin Advice appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

“I burst into tears when I thought I was holding one baby and then discovered that I was holding the other,” recalled Marlene Flanders. “I said to myself, ‘I’m their mother, and I can’t even tell them apart,’ I sobbed. I wondered how many times I’d had them switched.”

As Marlene and countless other parents of identical multiples know firsthand, telling identical apart can be a challenge for everyone—family, teachers, friends and multiples themselves.

“My gym teacher gets us mixed up, but I wish she’d call me by the right name,” said 10-year-old identical twin Andre Deutschlaender. Andy Nieman, 12, gets annoyed at misidentification, too. “When people at school—my teachers and friends—get us mixed up, I feel like they should know who I am,” he said. Andy and his co-twin, Adam, look alike, although they are fraternal twins.

It’s an accepted fact that not one likes to be called by the wrong name. “A name is a symbol of recognition of our identity, a mark of our sense of ourselves,” explained Susan Erbaugh, Ph.D., chief of psychology at Minneapolis Children’s Medical Center. “Our name stays with us from home to work, from childhood through adulthood. It defines our distinctiveness. Calling a child by the wrong name says, ‘I don’t know or care who you are,’ or ‘We want you to be somebody different.’”

Calling children by the wrong name also “scares kids and makes them man,” Erbaugh added. “As a child’s sense of identity is emerging, it’s upsetting when people say, in essence, that the child doesn’t have a distinct place or identity.”

Establishing a sense of self is doubly challenging for a child with a co-twin who looks just like him. Child development specialists tell parents that it’s important to help each co-twin develop a concept of herself as a distinct individual.

To aid that process, many parents have found that identification strategies can make it easier to correctly identify each twin and to avoid inadvertent mix-ups, even in the first few months of multiples’ lives. Those strategies also address an underlying fear many parents have of accidentally switching their infant twins’ identities permanently.

Marlene Flanders finally put an end to the distressing mix-ups of her twin boys by putting fingernail polish on one of baby Ryan’s toenails. Later, she had Ryan’s hair trimmed to a point in the back and Aaron’s hair squared off. Flanders takes care to call each by the correct name because, as she explained, “They correct other people, but they don’t expect their mother to blow it!”

Parents of identical twins tend to take each co-twin’s autonomy seriously. “Right from the start, I didn’t want to chance a mix-up,” said Robin Gale, whose identical girls are now 6-years-old. “My foremost through has always been that these are two children, two independent individuals. I had a jeweler make gold ID ankle bracelets inscribed with their names, and those bracelets never came off. We just expanded them as Alana and Kayla grew.

When Alana and Kayla were very young, Gale dressed them differently and always knew what outfit each was wearing. “But it was hard for my husband, so he painted fingernail polish on Kayla’s pinky fingernail,” said Gale.

Applying polish to one twin’s toenails or fingernails is an effective strategy, said parents who’ve used it. So is color-coding twin’ clothing.

“We didn’t have any plan when we brought our identical twins home from the hospital,” Karen Jenkins recalled. “So for the first two weeks we painted one of Laura’s toenails. Then we divided up all the clothes and gave Denise blues, purples and greens. Laura got pinks, yellows and reds. Now the girls (age 5) are in preschool, and the teachers really appreciate our color coding.”

Joan King, whose identical twins are now adults had an equally effective system: “I put brown shoes on Brian and black shoes on Bill…It was simple, and everybody knew who was who.”

Amy Keohane still uses a pink and purple color code to help people properly identify her 6-year-old identical twins.  Koehane noted that Jennifer and Andrea look more alike now than when they were babies.  Then, their heads were shaped differently, one had more hair, and one’s face was a little rounder.  Other parents of identical twins have also noted that as their twins grew, they came to resemble each other even more closely than they did as babies.

Parents often distinguish one child from her co-twin by differences in height and weight, face shape, shade of hair, beauty spots or birthmarks, pitch of voice, personality traits and mirror-image characteristics such an opposite handedness and cowlicks.  Dawn Stewart recalled that her infant daughter Megan had a darker complexion at birth than her identical co-twin, Lindsey.  A small scar above Lindsey’s eyebrow also served as an identity marker.

Penny Morin is grateful for the mirror-image cowlicks (which turn in opposite directions) possessed by her identical 5-year-olds, Jillian and Joleen, and for the differences in their voices.  “But from a distance, I have difficulty telling them apart until they speak,” she said.

Personal characteristics such as these can also help other people accurately identify each co-twin.  But it’s usually up to parents or the twins themselves to furnish outsiders with appropriate clues.  For example, the Morin twins’ aunt was frustrated in her attempts to tell Jillian and Joleen apart until Penny advised her to look at their cowlicks.

Most people can distinguish between identical twins if they take the time to be observant.  Andy and Adam Nieman help people identify themselves correctly by choosing different haircuts and clothing.  Robin Gale credits her twins’ nursery school teachers with paying close attention each morning to what Alana and Kayla are wearing  (they wear similar but different clothing that is not color-coded).

“But when Alana and Kayla started kindergarten,” Gale said, “I asked them if their teacher knew who was who, and they said, ‘No’ so I requested that the teachers determine which child is which each morning by observing differences in their clothing.  You can tell them apart when you pay attention, and I absolutely expect teachers to do that,” Gale said.

Many parents of identical twins wish that more people would make a point of noticing differences in clothing or features.  “Twins do get tired of being asked, ‘which one are you?’” said Karen Jenkins.

To encourage correct identification, parents can take teachers, relatives and friends aside and suggest ways to tell one twin from the other.  For example, a parent might ask to meet with a teacher privately in order to explain the family’s “system”: she could say, for example, “We’ve learned that it’s very important for twins to be identified separately and correctly, so at home we make it a point to never refer to our girls as ‘the twins’ and to always use their names.  We would really appreciate it if you would do that, too.”

Parents are advised to use discretion when clarifying distinctions between their co-twins.  It’s important not to inadvertently create comparative labels (such as “Jim is the shy one, and John is the outgoing twin”) and comparisons such as height and weight only hold up when twins are viewed together.  Color-coded clothing or a child’s individual characteristics, such as her hair style or her left handedness, are more likely to serve as effective indicators and are less likely to reinforce labeling.

Of course, identification strategies aren’t foolproof, and look-alike twins will inevitably be mistaken for one another sometimes.  It’s wise to help twins develop a coping strategy for confusion, counseled Erbaugh.  “You can let them know that you understand how hard it is to be mistaken for each other,” she said.  ‘“Doctors, lawyers and movie stars,’ you might explain, ‘want their names displayed on doors and want top billing.  They get upset if their name isn’t displayed.  When you are called your co-twin’s name, it’s like you are the star and someone has put the wrong name on the door!  That’s hard to take.’”

Parents should help their twins come up with tactful but assertive ways in which they might respond to confused teachers, classmates or even family members.  Erbaugh suggested that parents might tell each co-twin, “I know what’s special about you, and the rest of the world will, too, if we help them out a bit.”

A twin can be taught to explain to anyone who makes a mistake that he is John and not Jim, said Erbaugh.  He can also learn to furnish people with an identity clue, such as, “one way you can tell us apart is by our hair.  I part my hair on the left, and Jim parts his on the right.”

“I explained to Christopher and Andre that people make mistakes because the two of them look so much alike,” said parent Ruth Deutschlaender.  “I advise them to just say, ‘I’m Christopher’ or ‘I’m Andre’ when that happens.”

Andre said that’s exactly what he does when the occasion arises.  “You can tell us apart by our voices,” he also advised.  “We sound different.”  Penny Morin’s daughter Joleen the first-born of identical twins, got upset being called by her co-twin’s name.  So Morin capitalized on having another set of identical twins in the neighborhood to help Joleen understand why that happened.  “I asked her if she sometimes got our neighbor’s twins mixed up.  She said, ‘yes,’ so I told her, ‘That’s what happens when people mistake you for Jillian.’”

Ideally, parents and siblings function as role models by identifying and addressing each twin by name.  Parents who are conscientious about recognizing and reinforcing each twin’s identity can help twins avoid the resentment voiced by one adult at having been, “a twin, not an individual, always a part of a set rather than a complete person.”

Not all adult twins feel that way, however.  Beatrice Hawkinson and Bernice Lindberg, 71, love being twins.  About their younger days, Beatrice said, “Our last name was Gustafson,a d we both had the nickname ‘Gustie’ so we didn’t get called the wrong name.  Now, when people mistake me for Bernice, I just say, ‘Oh, I’m Beatrice, Bernice’s twin.’”

These adult identical twins feel enriched by their friendship, have never wished not to be twins, and handle identity mix-ups with a touch of humor.  “If someone I don’t know smiles at me in the grocery store, I smile back because otherwise, they’ll go and ask Beatrice why she was so stuck-up the other day,” chuckled Bernice.

A sense of humor helps twins live with the inevitable, occasional mix-up.  And yes, even moms and dads sometimes err and call one of their twins the wrong name.  Then, it’s reassuring to remember that even parents of singletons call their offspring the wrong name from time to time—and they don’t have a good excuse!

Alice M Vollmar of Minneapolis, Minnesota, is a freelance writer and the mother of six children, including boy/girl twins.

The post Who’s Who? Foolproof strategies for telling identical twins apart appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Try your best to imagine experiencing almost every moment in life with another person who is the same age, has the same number of siblings and parents, has the same last name, lives in your house, goes to the same school, has the same teacher, and goes through life on the same waking, eating, playing, bathing, and sleeping schedule as you. That is how many twins go through their early years of life. 

The individuation process that every young child experiences is complicated for twins – they not only have to learn to separate from their parents, they also have to learn to separate from their twin sibling, to whom they are so deeply connected from birth. Parents can impede the process by raising them into existence as a pair of children instead of as two single children. Research suggests that twins who were treated as a solitary unit by their parents had more difficulty forming their individual identities than twins who were treated more distinctly.

It could be argued that parents of twins generally have a more challenging early parenting experience than parents of singletons. There are countless considerations a parent of twins has to make that her parenting peers who have singleton children never face, like spoon-feeding two hungry babies at the same time, maneuvering a double stroller through the super-market, or (brace yourself) having to choose which child’s college graduation to attend when both twins’ college graduations occur on the same weekend in different cities.

So what could a parent of twins possibly learn from a parent of singletons? At least one very important thing: how to raise a singleton — well, at least how to make our twin children’s experiences more like that of their singleton peers.

Yes, by making some easy adjustments, we parents can help our twin children feel more like unique individuals and less like a mere half of a pair.

In that spirit, I compiled these top 6 tips for encouraging individuality.

1)  RETHINK THE RHYMES

Let’s face it: it’s cute and it’s fun to name your twin children Will and Jill or to use alliteration and call them Beverly and Bella. When we do this, however, we reinforce the notion that they are each part of a set as opposed to two separate individuals. If you have already chosen such names, perhaps you can give at least one of them a nickname –a nickname that doesn’t rhyme with the other child’s name, for heaven’s sake!  Related side note: always refer to your children by their names rather than referring to them as “the twins.” And take the time to encourage relatives and friends to respect and follow your lead here.  The rule is important whether your children are within earshot or not. It’s critical that you and other essential people in their lives develop the habit of talking about them and thinking of them as individuals.

2)  DRESS THEM DIFFERENTLY

Again, the cuteness factor reigns here: who doesn’t love the attention one receives when she’s walking her twins down the street and they are wearing the same exact outfit, down to the color and brand of shoe? It’s undeniably adorable to see little twins dressed alike. Still, by doing so, you are unintentionally sending the message to them and the world that they are simply two peas in a pod. Two perfectly identical peas in a pod. But your children are not uniform vegetables; they are exceptional animate beings with distinguishing personalities and traits. If you simply cannot resist putting them in the same outfit for a photo, allow yourself some slack and take the darn photo. But most of your photos should instead help to celebrate them as the extraordinary individuals that they are.  When your twins are old enough, encourage them to pick out their own clothes. They may choose to match each other at times, but believe me, there will be times when they want to look nothing like one another.

3)  DON’T FORCE THEM TO SHARE

When we were little, we were taught to share. So when our kids are young, we instinctively tell them they have to share. Sharing is an important skill that young children must develop in order to succeed socially.

BUT, your twins will be asked to share exponentially more times than the average singleton child for the simple reason that twins generally have more opportunities to share by virtue of playing in the same room together for most of their waking hours. And even though one of your twin children will almost always be playing with her twin sibling, she shouldn’t always be forced to share. In fact, she should have things that are hers and hers alone — things over which she can rightfully assert jurisdiction. Having one’s own things is essential to helping a child develop her sense of self, which is critical for a child who is a twin.

If it’s possible financially and logistically to put the twin children in separate rooms, do so to allow each of them to claim her own space. If two separate rooms are not available, try to give each child her own space in the twins’ shared room (or in another room). Allow the child to decorate and organize the space as she wishes and support her efforts to ‘protect’ the space from unwanted intrusion by siblings.

4)  (REALLY) LEARN WHO EACH ONE IS

Relate to, and converse with, your children individually. When your twin children are young, ask them questions about what they like and don’t like so that you can learn early on what makes each child tick. Learn (and don’t forget!) which child likes which food and which colors and which songs. When you’re alone with one of your children, tell him what you’ve observed about him – tell him which wonderful and distinct attributes about him make you the most proud.

5)  MAKE TIME FOR ONE-ON-ONE INTERACTION

In order to really discover each child, you will need alone time with her during which she can feel comfortable to confide in you, without commentary or judgment from another family member. Engaging in separate activities with each child will further help bond you to each child as well as help the child feel special and unique. 

Many adult twins will tell you that they cannot recall sitting down for one meal with a parent without their twin sibling present. Take your young twin child to her favorite restaurant alone, just the two of you. You’ll be amazed at how happy this will make her — and you’ll be amazed at how much she’ll open up and share!

It’s also important for others in your twins’ lives to have one-on-one time. If there are other non-twin children in the family, coordinate times for each twin to have separate time with the non-twin sibling(s). If you can arrange for your twins to have alone-time with grandparents, aunts, cousins, etc., all the better! This will help your relatives discover what’s particular and enchanting about each child and this will help your twin children feel more like individuals. And don’t forget to schedule different play dates for your children with different friends. It makes sense that two different kids might get along (or not get along) with different peers, right?

6)  BIRTHDAY PARTIES SHOULD BE TAILORED FOR EACH TWIN         

It’s conceivable that a twin child might feel shortchanged by having to share his birthday party every year. Discuss having separate birthday parties with each child in private. If one child wishes to celebrate separately, honor that wish and consider representing the decision for separate birthday parties as one you alone have made. 

If you are welcoming birthday gifts for your twin children, gently guide relatives and friends as to the differing gift wish lists of each child. If your children are given identical gifts, separate your children or have them sit back-to-back when opening them. This way, each child can experience the joy and surprise of discovering the new gift without having it ruined by witnessing his twin sibling’s reaction upon unwrapping. 

If your twins decide to share their birthday party, there are simple ways to make your twins’ birthday feel more special for each child: make a personalized toast to each child; bake (or buy) two separate cakes (with each child’s respective favorite flavors and decorations); and sing “Happy Birthday” twice.

Whether it’s a celebration of the magical day your twins were born or a weekend full of errands and play dates, always consider that there are two children involved – two children with very distinctive needs and desires. In fact, in any situation, you may want to ask yourself, what would a parent of a singleton do…?

Dara Lovitz, Esq., lives in Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania, and is the mother of two very different twin toddlers. She is the author of the popular children’s book, Catching Falling Cradles: A Gentle Approach to Classic Rhymes, and is working on her next book:  an advice guide for parents of twins.

The post Top 6 Tips for Encouraging Individuality with Your Twins appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

“I know it’s easier for you to have your boys in the same class,” a well-meaning teacher told me when I registered my twin boys for kindergarten. “But it really is better for them to be separated.”

That was my first experience with the public school system and I was a little intimidated by the whole process of filling out forms, watching my kids go through endless screenings, meeting with the guidance counselor, talking with the kindergarten teachers and touring the school. Not to mention, I was in emotional turmoil over the reality that the tiny infants I held in my arms only yesterday were going to “the big school.”

I had tried to prepare my boys and myself for this huge milestone in their lives. I sent them to preschool two days a week for two years, which I had fooled myself into believing was just like “regular school.” We talked about kindergarten all summer long. We drove by the school, looked at school buses and attended the school open houses. As the time drew nearer, though, it all became overwhelming and I was—for lack of a better term—freaking out. My babies were going to be riding a bus—all by themselves. They were going to have to find their own way to their classroom, make new friends, buy their own lunches… and, who knows what else. On top of all these worries, I needed to make a decision that could affect Andrew and Nathan’s first experience with school and maybe even set the tone for their entire adolescent development. Should I keep them in the same classroom or separate them?
It seemed to me that the best choice for them during this time of transition would be to stay together. I felt that they would find comfort and feel less threatened by this new experience if they were together. That’s why I boldly and adamantly announced to the teachers, guidance counselors and anyone else, “I want my boys to be kept together.”

Now, in the face of this professional educator telling me that my desire was not only wrong but was also somehow sel?sh, I began to doubt myself. Could I not know my twins as well as I thought? Did I want to keep them in the same classroom because it would make them feel more comfortable, or because it would make me feel more comfortable? Could the expert be right? Should all twins be separated? I didn’t think so then � and I don’t think so now.

When I consulted the literature, there were differing views on the subject. Many experts, like the school teacher with whom I spoke, believe that separating twins in school will help develop their individuality while decreasing constant comparisons made by teachers, other students and the twins themselves. As parents know, competition between multiples can become a real stumbling block to their development and self-esteem.

On the other hand, some experts believe that twins benefit from the social support they give one another when placed in the same classroom. Separation can actually be detrimental because the twins receive the message that there is something wrong with being a twin. Instead of viewing their relationship as unique and special, they begin to view it as different � even abnormal.

Still confused, I spoke with adult twins. Janet, a co-worker and identical twin, was grateful that she and her sister were never separated in school. She did wish, however, that they had been forced to interact more on an individual basis in high school. Leaving each other to go away to college was almost unbearable because they had never been separated at any point in their lives.

Wanda, a 70-something identical twin whom Andrew, Nathan and I bumped into at the grocery store, told me that people don’t understand the bond between twins. Unlike Janet, she was separated from her sister in school and said that while they enjoyed having their own friends, they wished that they were together more. This feeling was intensified for her now, she told me, because her sister had just passed away.

Having read what the psychologists, pediatricians and educators had to say, and then talking to twins myself, I decided that to make this decision, I needed to look at my own twins.

Andrew and Nathan are very sweet, self-assured little boys. They tremendously enjoy being together, but they also enjoy the company of other children. They are sensitive, caring and smart. When asked, they said they would like to have the same teacher and be in the same classroom. I agreed and decided that for my twins, separation would be detrimental—both socially and emotionally.

After the first grading period, Andrew and Nathan’s kindergarten teacher agreed with me too. She made sure they had opportunities in the classroom to be on separate teams, to work at different stations with other children and to be themselves. At the same time she gave them the opportunity to be together. During our ?rst parent-teacher conference, she was pleased to report that my boys were doing very well and she saw absolutely no problems with keeping them together.

So is this the best choice for every set of twins? No, I don’t believe so. If there is one thing that I learned in my search it is that, as every child is different, every situation is different. For your twins or multiples, separation may be the best choice. It may be an opportunity for them to shine as individuals, to develop a positive sense of self and to experience a world outside of each other. Or, your twins, like mine, may find needed comfort and stability in being together. They may flourish as a team and be able to strike a balance between being together and being with others. Like nearly all aspects of parenting multiples, this is an issue that you need to figure out on your own—with the help of your children. Don’t be afraid to ask others to get new perspectives, but ultimately, you know your children best.

Plan to revisit this issue every year. I believe that we made the best choice for Andrew and Nathan this year, but I also know from experience that they continue to grow and change. And, what’s best for them down the road may be different. Such is life as a mother of multiples.

The post It’s Your Decision appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Many twins unsuspectingly have limited access to their inner life because of the expectable emotional disruption triggered by growing up alongside a same-age sibling. Until there is a developmental change or environmental shift, many twins are oblivious about having missed out on the opportunity or freedom to acknowledge their “gut” feelings. Many twin pairs maintain their compatibility by accommodating to the needs of the other. So, if one twin has grown up recognizing that an emotional equilibrium is best managed by allowing his twin to be in control, it is plausible to deduce that the compromising twin feels stymied in connecting with his inner self.

If one twin commandeers the twinship, the other might struggle to have faith in himself as well as in his sense of reality. Feeling self-assured about trusting one’s instincts helps to build self-confidence and assertiveness. It facilitates a capacity to believe in himself and in his ability to follow through with his convictions. At the same time, it allows for resilience that can help cushion inevitable failures and rejection. Sadly, an overly compliant twin who exists on high alert to keep his twin content will not experience these feelings. It may be that this secondary position contributes to his feeling devalued and unimportant.

A creative young man in his mid-twenties, whom I will call Barney, has come to recognize recently that his twin brother demanded both nonverbally and verbally that he conform to his twin’s expectations and demands. Barney was not resentful about this arrangement because his twin bond was integral to his sense of self. He had not realized how much his compliance contributed to his enormous self-doubts, oversensitivity, and lack of self-esteem. Now that he can appreciate the consequences of this situation, he is working hard to discover his intrinsic voice and trust his instincts. He feels liberated from the constraints and limitations that he has placed upon himself. He delights in experimenting with his newfound talents to expand his creativity and essence.

The post The Importance of Forming Your Own Identity As A Twin appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

FORT SILL, Oklahoma (Nov. 15, 2021) – Pvts. Broughton and Brendan Beggs are the youngest of nine siblings in their family from Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. The fraternal twins decided to join the Army National Guard and ended up in 1st Battalion, 19th Field Artillery for Basic Combat Training (BCT).

However, they are training in different batteries: Broughton is in D Battery, while Brendan is in A Battery. They are scheduled to graduate within a week of each other.

“I was definitely hoping to have him by my side in the same battery,” said Broughton, “but we swore in about a week and a half away from each other.”

Brendan added their timing was upset while he recovered from a snowboarding accident a couple of years ago.

Although training separately was hard at first, they have mixed emotions about it now. They have always done everything together and supported each other. They are each other’s best comrades and best competitors at the same time. However, they agree that it was for the better: Being apart let them grow independently and stand out in their own way within their platoons.

“I still can see him at the chapel on Sundays to keep up with everything,” said Broughton.

Initially it was Broughton’s idea to join, though he later convinced his three-minute younger brother to also enlist. They chose 12N Horizontal Construction Engineer, partly because their recruiter was 12N and knew how to sell it and, partly because the brothers have been working in construction for the past two years.

“It seems like a perfect avenue to add another skill that will work in civilian life and the military,” said Brendan.

Their family was really supportive regarding the choice to connect their lives with the military. They are not the first ones to serve. Their father was in the Navy Reserve, one of their older brothers just finished an eight-year contract with the Navy, and the oldest brother recently joined the Air National Guard.

“We decided to stay on the ground,” both brothers said laughing.

BCT had its challenges, but the twins enjoyed a lot of things there, mostly because of the unique experiences it brought.

“There is something about every event that you do not like, but there is always a benefit of experiencing something you never thought you would and the majority of people will never experience the same,” said Brendan. “I feel it is a privilege (to serve).”

Broughton said he told himself before his arrival that he would do his best to enjoy basic training.

“After all it is only 10 weeks – just a fraction of my whole life that will never repeat itself,” he said.

He enjoyed all the field exercises and shooting while Brendan was excited about hand grenades.

One of the easiest things for them in BCT was all the physical training and activities due to their active lifestyle at home. The twins compiled high Army Combat Fitness Test scores, with Broughton’s 562 total slightly higher than Brendan’s 538. Broughton said he didn’t miss the opportunity to tease his brother about it.

Another fun fact about their training experience is they both earned nicknames. Broughton’s platoon members called him Terminator, while Brendan was known as Robot.

Also, surprisingly, they are not the only twins in the family: there is one more set of twin brothers almost exactly 10 years older than them, while Broughton and Brendan, at age 21, are the babies of the family.

Unfortunately, because the brothers are graduating on different days, their families will not be able to come visit them, but they are excited to see everyone during Holiday Block Leave in December. The two will be assigned to Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri, for Advanced Individual Training and hope they will end up in the same class.

After AIT they will drill in Grangeville, Idaho, with the 116th Brigade Engineer Battalion.

The appearance of the U.S. Department of Defense (DoD) visual information does not imply or constitute DoD endorsement.

The post Twins to graduate from Basic Combat Training Battalion at Fort Sill appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Many psychotherapists feel disheartened and discouraged when treating a couple who appears to be unable to reestablish trust and stability. And so it goes, as well, with some twin pairs who struggle to get their relationship back on track. It requires a tremendous amount of effort, dedication, and commitment to work through upsetting events and traumatic feelings.

I am working with a pair of identical female twins in their mid-fifties to facilitate their capacity to listen to one another and attempt to rekindle their connection. Since their mother died a year ago, both recognize and acknowledge that the only family they have left is each other. Feeling desperate about their inability to get along and recognize the other as a separate person, they contacted me for help. A multifaceted number of variables has hindered the evolution of their relationship for many years.

Both women have diametrically opposing personalities, which is one of many factors contributing to their lack of connection. Sally is outspoken, energetic, fast-paced, and extroverted. Her sister Serena is methodical, low keyed, shy, and orderly. When Serena gets upset by something that her sister says or does, she shuts down completely. She becomes anxious when she hears Sally express frustration, anger, or impatience; consequently, she cannot respond to Sally’s feelings in any meaningful way. Serena shared that it took her two years to muster up the courage to tell Sally that she hated visiting her apartment because it was so messy and unkempt.

Sally, on the other hand, is mystified by why Serena cannot respond to her feelings at all. Since Sally believes that she puts her feelings out there in a clear and concise manner, she becomes emotionally distraught about Serena’s inability to take care of her in these moments. Sally is also triggered into a panic state when Serena thwarts her efforts to be Serena’s emotional caretaker. Sally played this role throughout their lives and feels stripped of her function and duty when Serena rejects her offers of advice and counsel. Telephone conversations end up being empty and meaningless because Serena’s need for quiet self-reflection and passive responses leave Sally feeling empty, alone, and abandoned. 

Both women endured tremendous emotional and physical trauma growing up. As a consequence, Sally has adopted a persona who comes across as dogmatic, controlling, and powerful. Serena, on the other hand, says that she never felt heard or recognized in her family because Sally was the stronger twin. As a result, Serena is reluctant to assert herself in any real way when her sister is involved. She reverts back to her childhood, feeling isolated and alone in her attempts to handle overwhelming fears. It is tragic that sisters longing to feel safe and loved by the other are paralyzed by old defensive patterns. Both are understandably too fearful of changing or trusting the other, hiding their vulnerability behind these childhood roles. Their interpersonal difficulties spill over onto other relationships outside of their twin connection. Both look for friends who can mirror exactly what they need to feel safe and recognized.

Our goal will be to tackle the traumatic childhood experiences that continue to drive a wedge between the sisters and hopefully establish a safe emotional place for each of them. If they can agree to disagree and find a place of mutual recognition, each will be able to work through their emotional distress—Sally allowing Serena to be herself and Serena learning how to manage Sally’s wrath without fear of incrimination or retaliation.

I have titled this piece “Tilting at Windmills” out of a desire to show that many of us, not just twins, deplete ourselves emotionally by fighting off outdated psychic demons that are no longer pursuing us. Psychoanalytic psychotherapy enables the patient to understand the developmental root causes of presenting issues and work toward a healthier resolution in the future.

The post How Childhood Trauma Affects Twins in Their Adulthood appeared first on TWINS Magazine.