As an adult, I consider myself very lucky to have an identical twin sister. Now that we both have our own children, we often talk about the wonderful childhood memories we share—along with a few of the twin-related struggles we wish could be erased. It would be amazing if we could simply press the rewind button on a magical remote control and re-record some past events.

Yet, the reality is that we all have some life lessons to uncover, and that includes twins. In fact, it has taken my twin and me years to learn and then to convey one message: Even though we are a fabulous duo, we are also amazing individuals who must only fulfill the expectations we have for ourselves. I have also become my sister’s number-one fan, encouraging her acting and singing pursuits while she supports my many writing endeavors.

I know—being the twin that I am—I should think twice before giving any advice. Yet if parents of twins benefit by having as much information and guidance as they can muster, who better to share with them unique insights than me, a twin?

Each twin—like every child—needs to feel that she is a special individual. Many times my sister and I were referred to as “the twins,” by well-meaning people in our lives, instead of by our separate names. After a while, we began to feel like one entity, as if we were a pair of shoes, barely distinguishable (except one of us was the left, and the other, the right.) We gently reminded everyone what our names were and responded once we were called by them. Even if twins look similar and have shared interests, it’s vital to nurture each twin’s persona—her strengths, aspirations and talents.

The key to mastering this philosophy is to keep the doors—double doors—of communication open. Parents should schedule alone-time or “special” time for doing an activity of each twin’s choice—even if it’s just to have a conversation. Then when situations arise that twins have trouble handling, they’re more likely to feel comfortable discussing them with adults, parents especially.

Validate each twin’s feelings, even if you don’t understand them. After all, it’s difficult for singletons to understand what it’s like to live as a twin. Having family discussions with all children is a key ingredient in many successful families. Twins, in particular, may need to discuss unique issues such as whether or not they want to dress alike. This is a topic so many parents of twins wonder about; in fact, the ones whom I’ve met have always asked me about it. The answer, to me, is to ask the twins about their feelings once they are old enough. Some toddlers know at an early age what their preferences are. They may even want to dress alike at times and differently at others. This can change as they grow.

For example, my twin and I loved dressing alike as toddlers all the way through sixth grade. Then, when our family moved from the Bronx to the suburbs, we changed our minds. Starting at a new school was difficult enough without peers saying we looked like “The Bobsey Twins.” Students and teachers had been comparing us so much we were compelled to express our individuality. One way of doing this was through our attire.

For the first time, we purchased single clothing items and the doubles that we already had in our closets were worn on different days by each of us. We told our parents about this and asked them to encourage our relatives, who bought us gifts, to honor this request as well.

Adults can help prepare twins and family members for situations they encounter—and model possible responses. I know for my sister and me this would have been extremely helpful in dealing with the insensitive comparisons made—and the ridiculous questions onlookers often ask.

Additionally, our younger sister, who felt “left out” because nobody ever made a “big deal” about her, would also have benefited from these discussions. My twin and I often explained to our younger sister that we didn’t like the constant attention we received—however positive people might have intended it to be—because it often led to onlookers asking or commenting which of us was “nicer,” “prettier,” or “smarter.”

Sly sarcasm, devilish grins

Until we learned how to respond, we usually remained silent, often feeling badly for the twin relegated to second place. As we grew, we learned appropriate responses to these unfair critiques. We used light sarcasm and laughter as powerful tools. When asked which of us was prettier, I might say, “Oh, my sister, of course. She’s gorgeous and I look just like her.”

Or, to the question: “Which one of you is nicer?” I have responded, “Neither of us; we’re both double trouble.” A big grin usually sealed the response nicely.

Each set of twins is a one-of-a-kind partnership. No two sets of kids are really alike. People often generalize about twins because they know one set and think everybody else is the same, but it’s just not true.

Decisions about children, including twins, are specific to every family’s situation. When parents of twins ask me questions about whether or not their twins should be placed in the same class, or be allowed to wear a ring or pierced earrings to differentiate one from the other, the best answer I can give them is that “It’s a personal choice,” based on the circumstances unique to their twins’ relationship.

I always like to assure parents that if they make mistakes—like all parents do—they can make adjustments later and move forward. For example, twins in one of my children’s classes were separated during first grade at the school’s recommendation. For second grade, however, the twins’ parents, based on feedback from their kids, requested that the school place them in the same second grade class.

Although my twin sister lives in a different state, I share an indescribable bond with her. When our children—her three girls and my two boys—are together, it’s as if we are one family. It was like this from the moment our children met. As adults, we remain similar in the ways we dress and our food preferences. We often buy each other identical items, and our families spend holidays and summer vacations together.

Now when we get together, we relish onlookers’ attention and hope one day to do commercials or pursue other twin-related endeavors. We may use the same pitch we used when pursuing our babysitting careers at age 12: “Two for the price of one.”

The post Tales from Twins: Twin Advice appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

“I burst into tears when I thought I was holding one baby and then discovered that I was holding the other,” recalled Marlene Flanders. “I said to myself, ‘I’m their mother, and I can’t even tell them apart,’ I sobbed. I wondered how many times I’d had them switched.”

As Marlene and countless other parents of identical multiples know firsthand, telling identical apart can be a challenge for everyone—family, teachers, friends and multiples themselves.

“My gym teacher gets us mixed up, but I wish she’d call me by the right name,” said 10-year-old identical twin Andre Deutschlaender. Andy Nieman, 12, gets annoyed at misidentification, too. “When people at school—my teachers and friends—get us mixed up, I feel like they should know who I am,” he said. Andy and his co-twin, Adam, look alike, although they are fraternal twins.

It’s an accepted fact that not one likes to be called by the wrong name. “A name is a symbol of recognition of our identity, a mark of our sense of ourselves,” explained Susan Erbaugh, Ph.D., chief of psychology at Minneapolis Children’s Medical Center. “Our name stays with us from home to work, from childhood through adulthood. It defines our distinctiveness. Calling a child by the wrong name says, ‘I don’t know or care who you are,’ or ‘We want you to be somebody different.’”

Calling children by the wrong name also “scares kids and makes them man,” Erbaugh added. “As a child’s sense of identity is emerging, it’s upsetting when people say, in essence, that the child doesn’t have a distinct place or identity.”

Establishing a sense of self is doubly challenging for a child with a co-twin who looks just like him. Child development specialists tell parents that it’s important to help each co-twin develop a concept of herself as a distinct individual.

To aid that process, many parents have found that identification strategies can make it easier to correctly identify each twin and to avoid inadvertent mix-ups, even in the first few months of multiples’ lives. Those strategies also address an underlying fear many parents have of accidentally switching their infant twins’ identities permanently.

Marlene Flanders finally put an end to the distressing mix-ups of her twin boys by putting fingernail polish on one of baby Ryan’s toenails. Later, she had Ryan’s hair trimmed to a point in the back and Aaron’s hair squared off. Flanders takes care to call each by the correct name because, as she explained, “They correct other people, but they don’t expect their mother to blow it!”

Parents of identical twins tend to take each co-twin’s autonomy seriously. “Right from the start, I didn’t want to chance a mix-up,” said Robin Gale, whose identical girls are now 6-years-old. “My foremost through has always been that these are two children, two independent individuals. I had a jeweler make gold ID ankle bracelets inscribed with their names, and those bracelets never came off. We just expanded them as Alana and Kayla grew.

When Alana and Kayla were very young, Gale dressed them differently and always knew what outfit each was wearing. “But it was hard for my husband, so he painted fingernail polish on Kayla’s pinky fingernail,” said Gale.

Applying polish to one twin’s toenails or fingernails is an effective strategy, said parents who’ve used it. So is color-coding twin’ clothing.

“We didn’t have any plan when we brought our identical twins home from the hospital,” Karen Jenkins recalled. “So for the first two weeks we painted one of Laura’s toenails. Then we divided up all the clothes and gave Denise blues, purples and greens. Laura got pinks, yellows and reds. Now the girls (age 5) are in preschool, and the teachers really appreciate our color coding.”

Joan King, whose identical twins are now adults had an equally effective system: “I put brown shoes on Brian and black shoes on Bill…It was simple, and everybody knew who was who.”

Amy Keohane still uses a pink and purple color code to help people properly identify her 6-year-old identical twins.  Koehane noted that Jennifer and Andrea look more alike now than when they were babies.  Then, their heads were shaped differently, one had more hair, and one’s face was a little rounder.  Other parents of identical twins have also noted that as their twins grew, they came to resemble each other even more closely than they did as babies.

Parents often distinguish one child from her co-twin by differences in height and weight, face shape, shade of hair, beauty spots or birthmarks, pitch of voice, personality traits and mirror-image characteristics such an opposite handedness and cowlicks.  Dawn Stewart recalled that her infant daughter Megan had a darker complexion at birth than her identical co-twin, Lindsey.  A small scar above Lindsey’s eyebrow also served as an identity marker.

Penny Morin is grateful for the mirror-image cowlicks (which turn in opposite directions) possessed by her identical 5-year-olds, Jillian and Joleen, and for the differences in their voices.  “But from a distance, I have difficulty telling them apart until they speak,” she said.

Personal characteristics such as these can also help other people accurately identify each co-twin.  But it’s usually up to parents or the twins themselves to furnish outsiders with appropriate clues.  For example, the Morin twins’ aunt was frustrated in her attempts to tell Jillian and Joleen apart until Penny advised her to look at their cowlicks.

Most people can distinguish between identical twins if they take the time to be observant.  Andy and Adam Nieman help people identify themselves correctly by choosing different haircuts and clothing.  Robin Gale credits her twins’ nursery school teachers with paying close attention each morning to what Alana and Kayla are wearing  (they wear similar but different clothing that is not color-coded).

“But when Alana and Kayla started kindergarten,” Gale said, “I asked them if their teacher knew who was who, and they said, ‘No’ so I requested that the teachers determine which child is which each morning by observing differences in their clothing.  You can tell them apart when you pay attention, and I absolutely expect teachers to do that,” Gale said.

Many parents of identical twins wish that more people would make a point of noticing differences in clothing or features.  “Twins do get tired of being asked, ‘which one are you?’” said Karen Jenkins.

To encourage correct identification, parents can take teachers, relatives and friends aside and suggest ways to tell one twin from the other.  For example, a parent might ask to meet with a teacher privately in order to explain the family’s “system”: she could say, for example, “We’ve learned that it’s very important for twins to be identified separately and correctly, so at home we make it a point to never refer to our girls as ‘the twins’ and to always use their names.  We would really appreciate it if you would do that, too.”

Parents are advised to use discretion when clarifying distinctions between their co-twins.  It’s important not to inadvertently create comparative labels (such as “Jim is the shy one, and John is the outgoing twin”) and comparisons such as height and weight only hold up when twins are viewed together.  Color-coded clothing or a child’s individual characteristics, such as her hair style or her left handedness, are more likely to serve as effective indicators and are less likely to reinforce labeling.

Of course, identification strategies aren’t foolproof, and look-alike twins will inevitably be mistaken for one another sometimes.  It’s wise to help twins develop a coping strategy for confusion, counseled Erbaugh.  “You can let them know that you understand how hard it is to be mistaken for each other,” she said.  ‘“Doctors, lawyers and movie stars,’ you might explain, ‘want their names displayed on doors and want top billing.  They get upset if their name isn’t displayed.  When you are called your co-twin’s name, it’s like you are the star and someone has put the wrong name on the door!  That’s hard to take.’”

Parents should help their twins come up with tactful but assertive ways in which they might respond to confused teachers, classmates or even family members.  Erbaugh suggested that parents might tell each co-twin, “I know what’s special about you, and the rest of the world will, too, if we help them out a bit.”

A twin can be taught to explain to anyone who makes a mistake that he is John and not Jim, said Erbaugh.  He can also learn to furnish people with an identity clue, such as, “one way you can tell us apart is by our hair.  I part my hair on the left, and Jim parts his on the right.”

“I explained to Christopher and Andre that people make mistakes because the two of them look so much alike,” said parent Ruth Deutschlaender.  “I advise them to just say, ‘I’m Christopher’ or ‘I’m Andre’ when that happens.”

Andre said that’s exactly what he does when the occasion arises.  “You can tell us apart by our voices,” he also advised.  “We sound different.”  Penny Morin’s daughter Joleen the first-born of identical twins, got upset being called by her co-twin’s name.  So Morin capitalized on having another set of identical twins in the neighborhood to help Joleen understand why that happened.  “I asked her if she sometimes got our neighbor’s twins mixed up.  She said, ‘yes,’ so I told her, ‘That’s what happens when people mistake you for Jillian.’”

Ideally, parents and siblings function as role models by identifying and addressing each twin by name.  Parents who are conscientious about recognizing and reinforcing each twin’s identity can help twins avoid the resentment voiced by one adult at having been, “a twin, not an individual, always a part of a set rather than a complete person.”

Not all adult twins feel that way, however.  Beatrice Hawkinson and Bernice Lindberg, 71, love being twins.  About their younger days, Beatrice said, “Our last name was Gustafson,a d we both had the nickname ‘Gustie’ so we didn’t get called the wrong name.  Now, when people mistake me for Bernice, I just say, ‘Oh, I’m Beatrice, Bernice’s twin.’”

These adult identical twins feel enriched by their friendship, have never wished not to be twins, and handle identity mix-ups with a touch of humor.  “If someone I don’t know smiles at me in the grocery store, I smile back because otherwise, they’ll go and ask Beatrice why she was so stuck-up the other day,” chuckled Bernice.

A sense of humor helps twins live with the inevitable, occasional mix-up.  And yes, even moms and dads sometimes err and call one of their twins the wrong name.  Then, it’s reassuring to remember that even parents of singletons call their offspring the wrong name from time to time—and they don’t have a good excuse!

Alice M Vollmar of Minneapolis, Minnesota, is a freelance writer and the mother of six children, including boy/girl twins.

The post Who’s Who? Foolproof strategies for telling identical twins apart appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Why is everyone so interested in “Baby’s” name?  Because it gives him an identity, almost a personality, answers those who have studied the phenomenon. “Every name sends out signals,” says Linda Rosenkrantz and Pamela Redmond Satran, authors of the book, Beyond Jennifer and Jason: An Enlightened Guide to Naming Your Baby.  “It transmits messages and reverberations of its own: a level of energy and intensity of color and sheen, a texture.”

Although it is often difficult to come up with a name for one baby, let alone two, three or more, the following are some basic questions expectant parents choosing multiple monikers are best advised to ask themselves.

Is each easy to pronounce?  Since your children’s names will be spoken many times over their lifetimes, try not to saddle any of them with a tongue-twister.  Catch potential problems with pronunciation by repeating the name aloud several times in succession.  Practice with and without the middle name.  Zane Noble, for example, looks great in writing but when spoken, the repeating “n” sounds can fuse into something sounding like Zane Oble.  If the speaker tried to pronounce each “n” separately, the name might then sound like Zana Noble.

Does each have a pleasing rhythm?  While practicing a name for pronunciation, also note the rhythmic quality.  Does the name roll off your tongue like a melody or do you prefer it to sound more “sing-along”, as in the name “Mary Jane Rein?”

Do the initials spell F.A.T.? Children can be charming, kind and innocent.  They can also be thoughtlessly cruel.  Historically, a school-age “game” many children play is inspecting each other’s initials for dirty words or unflattering names, then taunting their owners.  Think of the fun they’d have with Patrick Edward Eubanks, Frances Alice Tatman or Bradly Michael Wright?  You can’t outsmart a child, but you can do your best to think like one.  Examine the initials of a name in every combination of first, middle and last.  Watch not only for words but also abbreviated sentences formed by letters that sound like words (a, b, c, I, m, n, p, r, u), Ida May Butts might not be happy with her initials when she goes to school.

Is the spelling of each unusual?  Rosenkrantz and Satran advise against deviating the spelling or pronunciation of a common name.  For instance, you should think twice about changing the spelling of Cindy to Cyndi because of the potential confusion involved.  Also, don’t expect others to pronounce Maria with a long “I”, no matter how clearly you explain it on a kindergarten form.  Both Cyndi and Maria can expect to spend the rest of their lives correcting other people’s attempts at pronouncing and spelling their names.

There are many considerations when choosing names for your multiples.  Some are more important than others, but more parents will agree that the following hint offered by Bill Cosby in his book, Fatherhood, is one to pay attention to:  “Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry…”

SPECIAL DO’S AND DON’TS FOR NAMING MULTIPLES

Don’t Rhyme.  Resist the temptation to choose rhyming names.  Twenty-two-year-old Karla remembers the confusion caused by her sister’s rhyming name.  “At school, classmates and teachers would sometimes call me Marla, my sister’s name.  That really bothered me.  The only reason people were confused was because of our names.  I mean, I had short brown hair and Marla’s hair was long and blonde—we were totally different.”

Don’t Make A “Precious Pair”.  To foster the individuality of your multiples, avoid the temptation to give them names that make it easy for others to lump them into a category; it will be hard enough to keep them from calling your children “the twins”.  Naming your girls Heather and Daisy, for example, may forever brand them “the flower girls.”

Don’t Fall Into the Same-Initial Trap.  If you cannot resist using same-initial first names, make sure the middle initials are different.  There is too much potential for the mix-up of records and other information when there are two J.A. Smiths that went to the same school, have the same parents, same address, same birthday, etc.

Don’t Forget Nicknames.  We live in a society that loves to shorten names into nicknames.  Be sure to consider all possible nicknames.  Will it sound like fingernails scratching a chalkboard to you when your daughter, Elizabeth, is called Liz, Betsy or Libby by her friends?

Also, avoid choosing names for your multiples that have the same nickname.  Pairings such as Robert and Roberta, or Christine and Christopher, offer the potential for mix-ups—some of them embarrassing.  For example, does Gerald or Geraldine get to open a letter “To Gerry” marked “SWAK”?

Do Maintain Consistency of Style and Tone.  Names can be grouped into categories such as contemporary, classic, artistic, attractive and studious.  Rosenkrantz and Satran recommend selecting family names out of one category or another.  Keep in mind that some names such as Brittany, sound contemporary, while others, such as Pearl, have an old-fashioned ring to them.

Do Choose Several Names for Each Sex.  The ultrasound technician says, “Congrats!  You are going to have twin girls.”  Does that mean you can totally concentrate on names for girls?  No way!  These tests are not always 100 percent accurate in predicting babies’ sexes.  Furthermore, there have been cases of a third baby remaining undetected by an ultrasound.  Your best bet would be to have an extra name or two for each sex—just in case.

Ruby Coats Mosher, D.V.M., of Emporia, Kansas, is a veterinarian and mother of fraternal twins.

The post Before You Name Them, Read This! appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Try your best to imagine experiencing almost every moment in life with another person who is the same age, has the same number of siblings and parents, has the same last name, lives in your house, goes to the same school, has the same teacher, and goes through life on the same waking, eating, playing, bathing, and sleeping schedule as you. That is how many twins go through their early years of life. 

The individuation process that every young child experiences is complicated for twins – they not only have to learn to separate from their parents, they also have to learn to separate from their twin sibling, to whom they are so deeply connected from birth. Parents can impede the process by raising them into existence as a pair of children instead of as two single children. Research suggests that twins who were treated as a solitary unit by their parents had more difficulty forming their individual identities than twins who were treated more distinctly.

It could be argued that parents of twins generally have a more challenging early parenting experience than parents of singletons. There are countless considerations a parent of twins has to make that her parenting peers who have singleton children never face, like spoon-feeding two hungry babies at the same time, maneuvering a double stroller through the super-market, or (brace yourself) having to choose which child’s college graduation to attend when both twins’ college graduations occur on the same weekend in different cities.

So what could a parent of twins possibly learn from a parent of singletons? At least one very important thing: how to raise a singleton — well, at least how to make our twin children’s experiences more like that of their singleton peers.

Yes, by making some easy adjustments, we parents can help our twin children feel more like unique individuals and less like a mere half of a pair.

In that spirit, I compiled these top 6 tips for encouraging individuality.

1)  RETHINK THE RHYMES

Let’s face it: it’s cute and it’s fun to name your twin children Will and Jill or to use alliteration and call them Beverly and Bella. When we do this, however, we reinforce the notion that they are each part of a set as opposed to two separate individuals. If you have already chosen such names, perhaps you can give at least one of them a nickname –a nickname that doesn’t rhyme with the other child’s name, for heaven’s sake!  Related side note: always refer to your children by their names rather than referring to them as “the twins.” And take the time to encourage relatives and friends to respect and follow your lead here.  The rule is important whether your children are within earshot or not. It’s critical that you and other essential people in their lives develop the habit of talking about them and thinking of them as individuals.

2)  DRESS THEM DIFFERENTLY

Again, the cuteness factor reigns here: who doesn’t love the attention one receives when she’s walking her twins down the street and they are wearing the same exact outfit, down to the color and brand of shoe? It’s undeniably adorable to see little twins dressed alike. Still, by doing so, you are unintentionally sending the message to them and the world that they are simply two peas in a pod. Two perfectly identical peas in a pod. But your children are not uniform vegetables; they are exceptional animate beings with distinguishing personalities and traits. If you simply cannot resist putting them in the same outfit for a photo, allow yourself some slack and take the darn photo. But most of your photos should instead help to celebrate them as the extraordinary individuals that they are.  When your twins are old enough, encourage them to pick out their own clothes. They may choose to match each other at times, but believe me, there will be times when they want to look nothing like one another.

3)  DON’T FORCE THEM TO SHARE

When we were little, we were taught to share. So when our kids are young, we instinctively tell them they have to share. Sharing is an important skill that young children must develop in order to succeed socially.

BUT, your twins will be asked to share exponentially more times than the average singleton child for the simple reason that twins generally have more opportunities to share by virtue of playing in the same room together for most of their waking hours. And even though one of your twin children will almost always be playing with her twin sibling, she shouldn’t always be forced to share. In fact, she should have things that are hers and hers alone — things over which she can rightfully assert jurisdiction. Having one’s own things is essential to helping a child develop her sense of self, which is critical for a child who is a twin.

If it’s possible financially and logistically to put the twin children in separate rooms, do so to allow each of them to claim her own space. If two separate rooms are not available, try to give each child her own space in the twins’ shared room (or in another room). Allow the child to decorate and organize the space as she wishes and support her efforts to ‘protect’ the space from unwanted intrusion by siblings.

4)  (REALLY) LEARN WHO EACH ONE IS

Relate to, and converse with, your children individually. When your twin children are young, ask them questions about what they like and don’t like so that you can learn early on what makes each child tick. Learn (and don’t forget!) which child likes which food and which colors and which songs. When you’re alone with one of your children, tell him what you’ve observed about him – tell him which wonderful and distinct attributes about him make you the most proud.

5)  MAKE TIME FOR ONE-ON-ONE INTERACTION

In order to really discover each child, you will need alone time with her during which she can feel comfortable to confide in you, without commentary or judgment from another family member. Engaging in separate activities with each child will further help bond you to each child as well as help the child feel special and unique. 

Many adult twins will tell you that they cannot recall sitting down for one meal with a parent without their twin sibling present. Take your young twin child to her favorite restaurant alone, just the two of you. You’ll be amazed at how happy this will make her — and you’ll be amazed at how much she’ll open up and share!

It’s also important for others in your twins’ lives to have one-on-one time. If there are other non-twin children in the family, coordinate times for each twin to have separate time with the non-twin sibling(s). If you can arrange for your twins to have alone-time with grandparents, aunts, cousins, etc., all the better! This will help your relatives discover what’s particular and enchanting about each child and this will help your twin children feel more like individuals. And don’t forget to schedule different play dates for your children with different friends. It makes sense that two different kids might get along (or not get along) with different peers, right?

6)  BIRTHDAY PARTIES SHOULD BE TAILORED FOR EACH TWIN         

It’s conceivable that a twin child might feel shortchanged by having to share his birthday party every year. Discuss having separate birthday parties with each child in private. If one child wishes to celebrate separately, honor that wish and consider representing the decision for separate birthday parties as one you alone have made. 

If you are welcoming birthday gifts for your twin children, gently guide relatives and friends as to the differing gift wish lists of each child. If your children are given identical gifts, separate your children or have them sit back-to-back when opening them. This way, each child can experience the joy and surprise of discovering the new gift without having it ruined by witnessing his twin sibling’s reaction upon unwrapping. 

If your twins decide to share their birthday party, there are simple ways to make your twins’ birthday feel more special for each child: make a personalized toast to each child; bake (or buy) two separate cakes (with each child’s respective favorite flavors and decorations); and sing “Happy Birthday” twice.

Whether it’s a celebration of the magical day your twins were born or a weekend full of errands and play dates, always consider that there are two children involved – two children with very distinctive needs and desires. In fact, in any situation, you may want to ask yourself, what would a parent of a singleton do…?

Dara Lovitz, Esq., lives in Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania, and is the mother of two very different twin toddlers. She is the author of the popular children’s book, Catching Falling Cradles: A Gentle Approach to Classic Rhymes, and is working on her next book:  an advice guide for parents of twins.

The post Top 6 Tips for Encouraging Individuality with Your Twins appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

As an educator who is a mother of identical twin boys, it is important my fellow educators understand best practices for children who are multiples.  In my classroom, I have had one half of a twin set and both twins together.  My experience thus far as an educator and a parent of multiples has taught me when educators focus on twins as a “we” instead of an individual “me,” they are not providing an optimal learning environment for academic and social development.  I offer five tips to help parents advocate for their multiples.

1. Know your school’s multiples classroom placement policy.

Many schools have a policy, where multiples are placed in separate classrooms.  It is best to know your school’s policy at least one year before your child enrolls in elementary school.  If your twins have not had the opportunity to have separate experiences, you can use the year prior to formal schooling to prepare them for separation.  Our children’s elementary school allows the parents to choose whether multiples are in the same classroom or not.  If you have the choice, school staff may still suggest you should separate your twins.  You have spent the most time with them and will know what is best.  Our boys were in the same classroom for preschool during the first semester, but in separate classrooms at two different schools during the second semester.  When they begin kindergarten in August, they will be enrolled in separate classrooms at the same school.  Although, my husband and I knew our boys could remain together in kindergarten, we knew it made no sense to place them back together after a successful second semester being separated in preschool.

2. Help your twin understand their classroom experience.

Even if your twins are ready for separate classrooms, they may not understand how different each of their classes might be. In her book, Emotionally Healthy Twins:  A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children, Joan A. Friedman, Ph.D, shares this script, “Life isn’t always fair or equal.  And your life will always be different from your brother’s which is what makes each of you so special.” I have found this script helpful to explain to our boys why different experiences are okay.  This script is beneficial to also share with your children’s teachers.  It might not sink in the first few times or when emotions are blocking out logic, but we had a breakthrough after our boys were in separate classes.  Jeremiah was invited to a birthday party and my husband and I were worried about James’ potential response.  He put us at ease when he said, “Kids in my class have birthdays too and I’m sure I will be invited to a party one day.” It’s to your children’s benefit to learn how to cope with experiences that differs because it will help their emotional and social development.

3. Acknowledge, but don’t compare academic milestones.  

Each child should be praised for his or her accomplishments.  When one twin has a special need or struggles with an academic subject, it will impede the child’s progress if the child believes the bar is the success of his or her twin.  When scheduling parent/teacher conferences schedule one for each child and not for your twins as a unit.  Do not allow a twin to be present at its sibling’s conference.  One of our son’s has an anxiety diagnosis.  It is important his brother is not privy to conversations about him, so he does not feel as if he is being compared.

4. Teach your children to advocate for their own individuality.

Part of navigating school as a twin is learning to develop as an individual and being known by others for what makes you, you.  When other students refer to your twins as “the twins” or “hey twin” what is being acknowledged is the fact they are siblings who have the same birthdate.  They are seen as only a unit or part of a unit and not known for who they truly are.  We have taught our boys to kindly say, “My name is Jeremiah” or “My name is James” when children do not refer to them by their names.  If it becomes a significant issue, have a conversation with the teacher to explain your concerns.

5. Visit your twins at school.

Even if you have a great relationship with the teacher, it is beneficial to observe your children at school.  This is a way to learn how your child is coping at school and if there are any concerns to address.  Both my husband and I, individually, visited our sons at preschool.  When our sons were in the same class, there was an unhealthy dynamic.  One of our sons felt it was his responsibility to parent and look after his brother.  They were not interacting with other children unless the child would play with both of them at the same time.  This prompted us to separate our boys the second semester.  Although there was another preschool class at their current school, we decided another preschool would be a better placement for our son and it was.  Because his brother was not present, he had to make his own decisions.  We learned what his true interests were; he was truly a different child.

This is not an all-inclusive list, but I have found these five tips to be beneficial when advocating for your children.

The post Focus on Me not We: 5 Tips to Advocate for Your Children’s Education appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Nothing was easy about Desiree Childress’s third pregnancy. Soon after she and her husband, Will, learned they were expecting identical twin boys, she experienced severe nausea. Having trouble holding anything down, she became dehydrated and IV lines for fluids were placed.

At about 18 weeks, preterm labor began and strict at-home bed rest prescribed. With two young daughters at home, Tiffany, 9, and Victoria, 5, Desiree found staying off her feet and reducing stress nearly impossible. Five weeks later, she was hospitalized.

Both nurses, Desiree and Will knew that these early complications and a twin pregnancy increased the likelihood of a premature delivery. Over 50% of multiples are born prematurely (before 37 weeks gestation), or weigh less than five and one-half pounds. Many preemie multiples require weeks of hospitalization and special medical attention.

By getting expert care in the hospital, Desiree hoped her babies would arrive close to term, but she also wanted to be prepared for the unexpected. David and Isaiah were born eight weeks early, each weighing a little over three pounds. “You really can’t prepare for the reality of delivering preemies, but knowing what to expect made it a little less overwhelming,” she says.

Julie Medas, a clinical neonatal nurse specialist at MetroHealth Medical Center in Cleveland, Ohio, agrees. She says that learning about the neonatal intensive care nursery (the NICU) and what a preemie looks like “won’t provide comfort, but it will give parents a sense of familiarity should their babies arrive early and need special care.”

Taking a Tour

Medas recommends that parents experiencing pregnancy complications ask for a tour of the NICU and visit a baby of comparable gestational age. “The perception is that seeing a preemie will overwhelm parents, but sometimes the imagination is far worse,” she says.

A neonatologist or a neonatal nurse can explain some of the medical equipment and common problems of preemies. Your hospital may also offer a video or booklet about the NICU. If information becomes stressful, cut your visit short and come back another day.

“The NICU can seem like a foreign land with an unfamiliar language,” says Medas. Take your time to absorb this new world, and don’t be afraid to ask questions. Some suggestions:

* What are visiting hours, and who can visit?
* Will my babies be placed near each other?
* How can I participate in my babies’ care?
* Does the NICU encourage skin-to-skin contact, music therapy, or infant massage?
* Are multiples co-bedded (placed in the same bed)?
* What resources are available to parents of premature babies and multiples?
* Is there a developmental program (occupational and physical therapy) for preemies?
* Is there a place for parents to spend the night?
* Is CPR training offered?

Researching Resources
On bed rest and with time on her hands, Desiree created a notebook of resources she’d need after the twins’ birth: “I made a list of dependable support systems, those who I could really count on like my church to provide meals and sitters my girls really liked.” She also included important names and phone numbers, such as her insurance provider and pediatrician, and she rented a pager so the NICU could reach her.

To find out what services and help you may need following your babies’ birth, talk with your hospital social worker or a nurse. Also, ask if there are any local preemie parent or mothers of multiples support groups: A parent of preemie multiples can offer first-hand advice. Mothers of Supertwins (631-859-1110) and The Triplet Connection (209-474-0885) offer programs and literature to support expectant mothers of multiples.

Desiree joined a mothers of multiples club in her third trimester. “At first, it was scary because all of the mothers of twins in the group had delivered prematurely,” she says, “but it also gave me hope to see that their children were okay, and they offered great support.”

Breastmilk Basics
When you’re coping with pregnancy complications and the risk of premature babies, thinking about breastfeeding can be daunting, to say the least. But learning about breast milk and how it can help your babies is something important you can do for your babies.

“Some doctors consider breast milk a medicine for preemies,” says Medas. Research shows breastmilk is less stressful on a preemie’s digestive system and kidneys, provides important antibodies that fight infection, and protects against allergies.

Babies who are born very small and very sick will not have the ability to breastfeed during their first days or weeks of life, but they can receive breast milk through a feeding tube placed in their nose or mouth. This means mothers have to pump and store their milk. A lactation consultant with knowledge of a preemie’s special needs can provide instruction. Ask your pediatrician, the hospital staff, or the La Leche League (800-525-3243) for a referral. Many NICUs have lending libraries that include breast-feeding books and videos, too.

“Even if you can’t or choose not to breastfeed, you can still provide your babies with the best nutrition possible,” says Medas. And it’s something only you, a mother, can do.

Preemie Parenthood
“I was prepared for the monitors and technology in the NICU, but it was still overwhelming to see those two tiny little babies,” says Desiree. “I couldn’t see their faces because of the wires and tape. I couldn’t hold them or feed them. I felt like I had really lost out.”

If your babies’ birth can’t be delayed and you become a parent of preemie multiples, like Desiree and Will, you’ll face many emotions: guilt, anger, sadness, and fear, to name a few. Having more than one baby adds to the stress: You may have two sets of medical complications to cope with, maybe even two sets of healthcare providers.

Making arrangements for help before your babies’ birth is a good idea (whether or not you delivery prematurely). You’ll need time to take care of yourself so that you’ll have the energy to take care of your babies and family.

After a difficult pregnancy, you’ll also need time to reflect on your losses. To help you cope with your feelings before and after delivery, consider starting a journal, or find someone who listens well (another parent, a social worker, a mental health expert, an Internet chat room (such as the TWINS Magazine Message Board), or a clergy member).

“Remember, feeling is healthy,” says Mara Stein, a Chicago clinical psychologist who delivered twin girls ten weeks early. “But if your feelings start getting in the way of your life, affecting your marriage or other relationships, or you find yourself constantly feeling sad, you may need professional help,” she says. Consult a trained therapist, such as a psychologist, psychiatrist, social worker, or family counselor.

“Becoming a parent of preemies is the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do,” says Desiree, whose twins are now eight months old. “But when I look at David and Isaiah and see them smile, I know it’s all been worth it.”

Amy E. Tracy is the author of The Pregnancy Bed Rest Book (Berkley Trade, 2001), and the co-author of Your Premature Baby and Child (Berkley Trade, 1999). Visit her Web site at www.pregnancybedrest.com.

Who’s Who in the NICU

Neonatologist: a doctor who is specially trained in the care of premature and sick babies
Registered Nurse: has graduated from an accredited school of nursing; these nurses provide much of the daily care of preemies.

Neonatal Nurse Practitioner: a registered nurse who has advanced training in neonatal care.

Clinical Neonatal Nurse Specialist: a registered nurse who has additional neonatal training in patient and nurse education.

Social Worker: can provide information on nonmedical care, such as insurance coverage, emotional support, and transportation.

Respiratory Therapist: a specialist who provides the respiratory needs of ill babies.

Developmental Therapists: help enhance a baby’s physical development.

Medical Specialists: doctors with further specialized training in such areas as the eyes, heart, lungs, and brain.

NICU Baby Books
NICU Notebook: A Parent’s Journal
Available from:
Mothers of Supertwins
PO Box 951
Brentwood, NY 11717
www.mostonline.org
877-434-MOST (6678)

The post Expecting the Unexpected: Preparing for an Early Delivery appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Congratulations! Welcome to the grand adventure of twin care. If you’re anything like the rest of us parents who have given birth to multiples, it’s likely that you have little on your mind but survival-the babies and your own. You are doing everything you can to maintain a healthy pregnancy. And, you are making practical plans for organizing the household and getting the help you will need to function well in the sleepy fog that comes with the early days and weeks of baby care. As family and friends help you accomplish the practical things on your to-do list, you will begin to feel more in control. Your worries will fade a little. You will begin to believe that you really are going to have twins-or more-and to imagine what life will be like for your babies who are going to be born together.

“How will I bond with both or all of my babies at once?” you may wonder. This is a natural concern for we know that newborns need loving attention in order to thrive. The truth is you can indeed bond with two or more, but the process will be a little different from bonding with one single-born baby. Perhaps your experience won’t meet your expectations of falling equally in love with each of the babies on day one. More than likely your first bond will be with the group. In the early foggy days you will put one foot in front of the other to meet their needs. As one mother recalled, “Our life was a marathon of feeding, changing, burping, walking the floor, then starting all over again. Some days I couldn’t remember which baby had been fed and which one still needed his bath.” Gradually, through the haze of your daily routines, you will being to pick up the clues that each baby gives you about who they are and what they need. Harry may need to be walked for fifteen minutes to settle him down after every feeding. Roger, on the other hand, may fall asleep while nursing and need to have his feet tickled to keep him awake. As you respond to each of their individual needs, you and the babies will learn more about each other and your connections will deepen.

But supposing one or more of the babies has to stay in the hospital longer than the other? What then? How can you bond when your heart is stretched between the baby in the nursery at home and the one in the hospital? One dad explained, “We did our best to give each baby what he needed. We worried day and night about Andy in the hospital. We took turns visiting him and caring for Charlie at home. My mother came and helped with Charlie, too, so that Anne and I could visit Andy together sometimes. Knowing that Charlie was in good hands was a terrific relief.”

It’s true that newborns require consistent loving care, but they won’t mind if does not always come from you. Arrange for the best substitute care you can find. You will have plenty of time to get better acquainted when everyone comes home from the hospital. Remember that bonding is not a single event; it is a process. And you can take heart from the adage that “All good things take time.”

Keep in mind, too, the benefits the babies gain from their relationship. They have already bonded with each other in the womb. Research is beginning to produce evidence that newborn twins are a comfort to each other. The presence of one can even improve the other’s health. You may be able to tap this resource by arranging to bring the well baby for a visit with his or her co-twin in the hospital.

Whether or not your babies come home together or separately, the relationship between them will shape their lives right from the start. They are individuals who are born as members of a team. They will grow up with a strong relationship to the other members of their team. Their relationship bond brings with it life-enhancing possibilities which are seldom enjoyed by single-born children. Soon they will begin to light up with joy at the sight of each other. Their daily companionship during early childhood lays the foundation for lifelong comraderie. Even pairs who have a feisty relationship will come to each other’s defense when another child tries to take away a toy or a stranger is critical of one.

Their close connection also challenges common notions regarding the individuation process. Since they come into the world in a relationship with each other, they will experience and relate to you and the rest of their family both as individuals and as members of their team. They share many early experiences as a team, however, they each have their own perception of those experiences. You will soon discover that they are not the “two little bookends” one mother imagined before her girls were born.

The way parents respond to this reality affects the way multiples see themselves and it affects the way others relate to them, too. Now, before they arrive is a good time to think through the ways in which you will help yourself and others identify each child as an individual. People will have no trouble seeing the babies as a group!

An excellent place to start is with the choice of their names. As you go through the selection process keep in mind that names that are distinctly different from each other, like Susan and Jane, will help people learn who is who. Names that underscore the children’s status as multiples such as ones that begin with the same letter or sound very similar such as, Deanne and Leanne, make it difficult for others to remember which child is which.

Another arena in which you can help keep their identities straight is clothes. Dressed alike your babies will stop traffic for few can resist a peek at multiples. This attention-getting approach to their wardrobes can be fun now and then, but when practiced on a daily basis it submerges the children in their team and reduces the chances of their being treated like the individuals they are. I remember a pair of shy teenage girls who dressed alike every day. When their classmates asked why, they replied in unison, “We’re twins and twins are supposed to dress alike.” How sad for them that their devotion to twinship kept them isolated from their classmates.

All of the above may seem like abstractions until your babies are born and you experience the dynamics of their different personalities. They will quickly teach you about themselves by the ways in which they respond to you and their environment. One may be content to snuggle and sleep for long periods. Another may be wide-eyed and curious, following everything that goes on in the household. You may be surprised and amazed to find that although you are the one providing their nurture and care, they are the ones leading the way.

Patricia Malmstom, Director of Twin Services Consulting, is the co-author of The Art of Parenting Twins (Ballantine Books, 1999) and the mother of four adult children, including monozygotic “identical” twins.

Keys to developing individuality & supporting the twin relationship

• Give each baby what they need when they need it.

• Choose distinctive names.

• Dress babies differently from each other.

• Allow co-multiples to enjoy each other’s company.

• Teach respect for each other’s differences and similarities.

The post The Twin Bond appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Thankfully, there are some simple things you can do to help each kid form their own unique personality. 

It sure is cute to have two little copies of a child at home, but research suggests that twins who were raised as a unit have more difficulties separating from their siblings than twins who were treated as individuals. So how can you give love to your twins yet give them a chance to become unique people? 

Give them different names

Will and Jill and Emma and Ella sound adorable for your twins. The thing is, this matchy-matchy name choice may inevitably mean pushing the notion that your twins are part of a set, instead, as opposed to separate people. 

This can make it difficult for them to differentiate between their individuality. Additionally, try not to refer to them as “the twins.” They have wonderful names, all their own, that deserve to be heard. This will help everyone think of your kids as individuals. 

Sharing is not always caring

Kids are always taught to share. Sharing is an important skill that all socially developed individuals have and cherish. However, while all kids need to share, twins are probably asked to share twice as much as their peers. 

Why? Well, in general, they have more opportunities to share since they spend almost every moment with their sibling. While it’s great that they love to play together or nap in the same bed, they shouldn’t always be required to share. It’s very healthy to provide each of your children with something that will be distinctly theirs and theirs alone, so they can have complete control over something in their lives. This helps kids develop a healthy sense of self, which is especially critical for twins. 

If you have an opportunity to provide twins with separate rooms or at least separate spaces in one room, this can be great for building their individuality. Your child should have the freedom to organize their space and decorate to their wants and needs. Make sure to protect their space from unwanted intrusion from the other siblings. It might sound harsh, but it’s very healthy. 

Dress them differently

The cuteness factor here goes through the roof! Twin babies dressed up in matching outfits from head to toe will receive a lot of attention when walking down the street—and who doesn’t love attention? While you can practice this when they are very little, it’s smart to stop dressing your twins identical once they turn three. This is where kids start to develop their preferences and build their identities. 

As they grow, you can encourage them to go shopping with you so they can pick up their own outfits and show off their individuality. Sometimes, they might even choose to match on purpose or they will do so on accident, but other times, they will certainly want to have nothing to do with their brother or sister—that’s just how siblings work! 

Avoid comparisons

Humans always compare things automatically. After all, you probably have every kick and every ultrasound of Baby A and Baby B to compare. And sure, since you have twins, you can expect them to be similar in certain things, but making too many comparisons might leave unwanted scars and even build up self-esteem issues and resentment. 

Encourage separate activities

There’s a great possibility that your twins will attend all the same classes, but there’s one thing you can do to keep their school experiences unique: extracurriculars. While it might be some extra work for you as a parent, allow them to sign up for different activities or sports. This will allow your kids to find their own spots in the team, prevent comparisons, and get them to excel in something without their brother or sister. 

Separating your kids also prevents them from becoming too dependent on each other. Of course, make sure to encourage support from siblings and celebrate all sporting successes as a family. If you need some help with transport, see whether you can arrange something with fellow parents. 

Spend some one-on-one time

Ask any twin to count all the times they spend some quality time with their parents without their twin siblings, and they will be stumped. So, don’t make the same mistake as every other parent. Take one of the twins to their favorite restaurant or have a parent-and-kid spa day. This small gesture will make them feel super special and encourage them to share and open up.

If you have other singleton kids in the family, arrange separate times for each twin to spend with the non-twin siblings. This is one of the best ways for other people to notice your twin’s individuality and discover things that are special and unique for each of them. And don’t be surprised if your children want to spend separate times with different groups of friends. When you think about it, it’s pretty normal that two different people get along with two different groups of peers. 

No matter the confusion and disadvantages, most twins wouldn’t change their situation for anything in the world. With some help, your children will become beautiful individuals with healthy relationships with their siblings and other people around them. 

These are just a few simple steps you can take to ensure the development of your twins as individuals. By taking the time to cultivate them as both, a sibling set AND their own people, you will help set them on the path to being the wonderful people they are meant to be. 

The post How to Help Your Twins Develop Their Own Unique Identity appeared first on TWINS Magazine.