That day, the double rainbow my parents marveled at foreshadowed my existence—only, at the time, they had no idea that 2 weeks later, they would find out they were pregnant with twins. Identical twins.

For most people, starting college, or any new beginning is a lonely endeavor.

For most of my life, I’ve never felt this type of loneliness. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been separated from my identical twin sister, Grace. It’s been nearly 2 decades since my parents marveled at that double rainbow, and I met my best friend. From the neonatal intensive care unit to now, here at Duke, we’ve been through life side-by-side, in every sense of the phrase. Our twinship dominates my identity.

So naturally, orientation week at Duke was filled with the classic phrase chain, “I just met you… Grace, right?” and then, “No way, that was your twin?” which was usually followed by, “I wish I was a twin.” Yup. The first week, month, even semester, was marked by our new peers and friends mixing us up. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be known as Liv, instead of Liv & Grace… or, more commonly, the Haywards. And it’s not that I don’t like that, I do. It’s just that the concept of being known individually seems foreign.

Ever since we were little, we’ve been friends with the same people. As self-proclaimed “floaters” we would sometimes float to different people separately and then introduce our new friends to each other. Although I’ve always felt comfortable spending time with my friends without Grace present, I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the twin-ergy we give off when we’re together. We, quite literally, feed off each other’s energy. Given we are two naturally spirited individuals, it’s almost too easy to egg each other on. As much as “double the trouble” is cliché, it is also true. When we’re together, we’re our true selves. It’s hard to explain, but I feel a sense of comfort knowing Grace is with me. In conversations, it’s common for us to seamlessly finish each other’s sentences, share glances that carry meaning without needing the words to accompany them, and usually if one of us starts laughing, it’s virtually impossible for the other to stay serious.

As hard as it is to believe, Grace and I were very close to applying early decision to separate schools. If admitted, this notion of individuality would have been a lot less foreign. But I don’t think either of us was ready to split just yet. Of course, it’s in our cards to live separate lives, but not yet. The athletic, academic, and social obstacles I’ve faced at Duke would have been far more challenging if I didn’t go through them with Grace by my side. There is something remarkably special about having a deep, authentic appreciation of exactly who we are to each other. The phrase “I wish I was a twin” that I’ve heard countless times since starting college is one that consistently reminds me of the gift that is our twinship.

It’s easy to compare twins, especially when they’re identical.

Read that again and tell me that isn’t the most ironic statement. We are as identical as it gets and yet, constantly compared. It sounds wack but I kind of get it. Because we are so alike, there is this desire to find a difference. We’ve heard the phrases “who’s faster, who’s taller, who’s smarter, who’s more outgoing, who’s funnier.” We’ve even been victims to arguably the worst of them all, “who’s prettier.” While we usually let these comments pass, it would be unfair to say they don’t affect our relationship. I sometimes ponder the answers myself. I wonder if the people who ask these questions also answer them with their friends behind closed doors?

What other people say, I’m certain will never cut too deep though. Because in my heart I know that we aren’t competitors fighting to be the “faster, taller, smarter, funnier, prettier, more outgoing” twin. We’re sisters who make each other better and build each other up despite what other people say. And our closest friends will admit, if you spend enough time with us, we’re different people with unique personalities who just happen to look strikingly similar.

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As an identical twin myself, I always wanted to write a book about twins which I’ve finally done with Twintastic, my new fiction book for tweens & twins. 

All of our lives my twin sister, Amy, and I always had a bond so strong that we were able to tell what the other was thinking, or even feel her pain or happiness. I still quietly laugh to myself when I think about the mischief Amy and I got ourselves into when we were younger, through the daily grind of school, the mean girls, and our first crushes who probably didn’t even know we existed. These memories gave me a few ideas for the manuscript. Then, I thought it would be great for the twin protagonists to have magical powers because who doesn’t love cool, magical powers.

From the time I was a little girl, I was very close to my Grandma who I called Nona. She was the best listener and friend, and family meant everything to her. Nona had a razor-sharp mind so no one could ever get away with anything on her watch, even as she aged. She made a huge impression on me and having her in my life was wonderful. As a result, another character based on Nona came to life. 

Many of the friends I made during my childhood are still my friends today. When we were kids, we’d go bike riding, raspberry picking, have sleepovers, help each other with homework, and engage in the usual tween shenanigans. The times spent with these friends were always full of laughter, even when drama sometimes tried to interfere. We didn’t have cell phones and all the social media of today, but that didn’t matter. Instead, what was most important was having the support, loyalty, and love of friends. Another layer was added to the story.

Being a spiritual person, I love having crystals (for positive energy) and lighting candles (to bring light to my wishes) throughout my house. These elements also ended up in the manuscript. 

All of these life experiences provided the material to create a story. Slowly, my manuscript evolved into Twintastic, with its exploration of a family dynamic, trust, friends, and the consequences of the misuse of power; each of which is so important for tweens to absorb. 

Writing Twintastic was an amazing process. There were days I would sit at the computer first thing in the morning and not leave until evening—when a writer gets into the zone there is no stopping. Other days, I would write for a while and then pace around the house or throw in a load of laundry, and then try again to finish a sentence, paragraph, page, or chapter. Next to my bed, I always kept a pad and pen, and I would carry them with me as well, never knowing when an idea would hit. Even though at times, working on the manuscript would be frustrating and all-consuming, I truly enjoyed the journey. 

[amazon box=”938404380X”]

I wish you a Twintastic day!

Please visit me at www.jacquelinekopito.com

TWINTASTIC

Sixth-grade identical twins Alix and Jordyn couldn’t be more different. Jordyn likes fashion and art, while Alix loves reading and science. One day, while cleaning the attic, the twins come across a dusty old diary that once belonged to their Great-grandma Rose. The next thing the twins know, the magical powers once possessed by Rose and her twin sister, Molly, have been passed on to them.  

Suddenly, using only their thoughts, Alix and Jordyn can communicate with each other and move objects. They decide to use their secret powers to help save Ace, their parents’ struggling restaurant. Otherwise, their family could be out on the street. At the same time, they deal with the daily grind of middle school, first crushes, and tennis lessons. Using their powers, they have a bake sale, enter a science contest, and tutor their friends. But will it be enough to rescue the restaurant and save their family from ruin? 

Twintastic is a fiction book for tweens (ages 8-12). Published by Good Times Books (New Delhi, India)

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Our first scholarship was established as a ‘one time’ award at Aiken Technical College in Aiken, South Carolina. I decided to name it: “Steward Twin Scholarship” on behalf of my twin/co-sponsor. It was an awesome feeling being able to help other twins although that was not the end of our assignment. God continued to nudge at me another five or six years later. I wanted to do more on a larger scale, yet I did not know how, so I started researching. My research journey became very frustrating to the point I wanted to give up until I received encouragement from my aunt, Tonya. She has always been a positive influence. She sent me an inspirational video, shared by Tyler Perry, that led me to believe we have what we need to get started towards our dreams; we just need the faith to take the first step. I believe God always gives us what we need at the right time. 

My family was blessed to have two sets of fraternal twins through my brother’s children. They are two years apart in age and were three and five, at the time. This seemed like the perfect time to establish the next set of scholarships for them to be co-sponsors.

In 2014, two scholarships were established at Claflin University and The University of South Carolina in Aiken. The significance behind these schools was that my twin and I attended Claflin for a summer math and science program while in 10th grade and USC Aiken was our alma mater. This was our way of giving back. Between the beginning of these two scholarships, God gave us an angel. One of the baby twins Blair died from a rare disease. In the midst of our mourning, I felt the best way to honor him as a co-sponsor, would be to rename the scholarships in his memory.  

I contemplated establishing one more scholarship at a specific school where my twin and I attended a summer pre-mate program during our high school senior year. My decision was clearly confirmed when I met my cousin, Leonard, at a family reunion a few months later and learned that his twin sister, Amber, had recently passed away. She had attended the school of my choice which was another confirmation that the final scholarship should be established at Benedict College in Columbia, SC, in the name of “Steward and Coaxum Twin Scholarship” in their memory. My cousin also became a co-sponsor.

This challenging journey continues to be a blessing. The three scholarships are active and receive funds. As of now, eight students have been awarded scholarships.

We appreciate the contributions, prayers, encouragement, and donations from family, friends, community, and everyone with a heart to give. Without the financial contributions, these scholarships cannot exist. If you have questions about the scholarships or want to make a donation, please contact the schools directly.  We thank you in advance for your love and support.

Check out the Steward Twinz on Instagram.

The post A Twins Success Story: The Steward Twins appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Many twins unsuspectingly have limited access to their inner life because of the expectable emotional disruption triggered by growing up alongside a same-age sibling. Until there is a developmental change or environmental shift, many twins are oblivious about having missed out on the opportunity or freedom to acknowledge their “gut” feelings. Many twin pairs maintain their compatibility by accommodating to the needs of the other. So, if one twin has grown up recognizing that an emotional equilibrium is best managed by allowing his twin to be in control, it is plausible to deduce that the compromising twin feels stymied in connecting with his inner self.

If one twin commandeers the twinship, the other might struggle to have faith in himself as well as in his sense of reality. Feeling self-assured about trusting one’s instincts helps to build self-confidence and assertiveness. It facilitates a capacity to believe in himself and in his ability to follow through with his convictions. At the same time, it allows for resilience that can help cushion inevitable failures and rejection. Sadly, an overly compliant twin who exists on high alert to keep his twin content will not experience these feelings. It may be that this secondary position contributes to his feeling devalued and unimportant.

A creative young man in his mid-twenties, whom I will call Barney, has come to recognize recently that his twin brother demanded both nonverbally and verbally that he conform to his twin’s expectations and demands. Barney was not resentful about this arrangement because his twin bond was integral to his sense of self. He had not realized how much his compliance contributed to his enormous self-doubts, oversensitivity, and lack of self-esteem. Now that he can appreciate the consequences of this situation, he is working hard to discover his intrinsic voice and trust his instincts. He feels liberated from the constraints and limitations that he has placed upon himself. He delights in experimenting with his newfound talents to expand his creativity and essence.

The post The Importance of Forming Your Own Identity As A Twin appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

When a twin gets in touch with me and tells me that he has seen a therapist in the past, invariably each attests to a shameful commonality – the therapist has proclaimed that the twin who feels abandoned, jealous, and guilty about his twin getting married, moving away, or having a better job is nothing short of SELFISH. This therapeutic lack of insight, empathy, and understanding about a twin’s state of mind in this predicament drives me crazy. I imagine that if a singleton sibling were in treatment and these same emotions surfaced, the clinician might not rush to judgment about that individual’s moral compass. More than likely, these feelings would fall under something that would come under the purview of normal “sibling” rivalry.  

Well, let me break it to you gently—twins who feel upset and disappointed with their twin fall under the rubric of normal “twin” rivalry. Grasping the nuances and ambivalent ramifications of a twin connection commands an in-depth and specialized knowledge of and appreciation for the twin challenges.

It’s fascinating that nontwins might assume that twins would and should be on the same page with feelings and thoughts no matter what – isn’t that the expectable twintuition? Social media, in particular, can’t seem to get enough of twins holding hands, babbling in their shared secret language, and reading about twins marrying twins! I am not denigrating the love that twins feel for one another; rather, I am attempting to educate folks that the road to healthy twin intimacy can be rocky and full of potholes. Parents and clinicians alike cannot be blind-sighted by their wishes to see twins in a holier than thou spotlight.

It has been my experience that the sets of twins who do confront the cracks in the twin relationship and receive proper counseling lead lives whereby their capacities for intimate connections with their twin and significant others are highly evolved and comfortable. SELFish is working through the complicated issues that interfere with twins feeling and experiencing a separate SELF. 

The post Feeling Negative Emotions Towards Your Twin? It’s Normal appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Those of you who follow my blog are familiar with the caretaker and cared-for dynamic within twinships. Essentially, one twin assumes the role of looking after the other—either consciously or unconsciously. This behavior can emerge organically or be influenced by parental expectations. I have been so fortunate to work with twins of all ages who seek my guidance when this dynamic is disrupted.

Many caretaking twins simply become overwhelmed by their sibling’s demands. The caretaker begins to feel bitter and angry about the years she has spent putting her twin’s needs and feelings ahead of her own desires. She experiences accumulated feelings of resentment about the lack of reciprocity or appreciation. She wants to pull back or flee.

However, at the same time, she feels a compulsion to satisfy her twin’s demands because the thought of abandoning her charge is unfathomable. While her caretaking role may be exhausting, she covets a connection with her sibling and struggles with change. The caretaking twin suffers tremendous emotional angst as she attempts to define a new normal for herself. The biggest hurdle seems to be her guilt about fulfilling a moral obligation. How can she justify taking care of herself at the risk of hurting her twin?

The cared-for twin is less prevalent in the therapeutic milieu; nonetheless, when she does seek advice, she complains that her sibling is controlling and dominating. The caretaking twin refuses to recognize that she is no longer needed in some fundamental ways. She is reluctant to relinquish her pseudoparental position. The cared-for sister attempts to tell her twin that she no longer wants to feel dependent or second rate. She loves her sibling but wants to be recognized for her independence and growth rather than reproached for appearing ungrateful or manipulative.

Either way, a systematic shift occurs in the twin relationship. Understandably, a rift may emerge until both siblings can adjust to the new parameters with mutual understanding and an acceptance of each other’s position. As those of us who have worked through these conflicts can attest, we do not stop feeling empathy for our twin. Rather, our compassion for and overidentification with our twin does not inhibit our own capacity to feel joy about our own lives.

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Many psychotherapists feel disheartened and discouraged when treating a couple who appears to be unable to reestablish trust and stability. And so it goes, as well, with some twin pairs who struggle to get their relationship back on track. It requires a tremendous amount of effort, dedication, and commitment to work through upsetting events and traumatic feelings.

I am working with a pair of identical female twins in their mid-fifties to facilitate their capacity to listen to one another and attempt to rekindle their connection. Since their mother died a year ago, both recognize and acknowledge that the only family they have left is each other. Feeling desperate about their inability to get along and recognize the other as a separate person, they contacted me for help. A multifaceted number of variables has hindered the evolution of their relationship for many years.

Both women have diametrically opposing personalities, which is one of many factors contributing to their lack of connection. Sally is outspoken, energetic, fast-paced, and extroverted. Her sister Serena is methodical, low keyed, shy, and orderly. When Serena gets upset by something that her sister says or does, she shuts down completely. She becomes anxious when she hears Sally express frustration, anger, or impatience; consequently, she cannot respond to Sally’s feelings in any meaningful way. Serena shared that it took her two years to muster up the courage to tell Sally that she hated visiting her apartment because it was so messy and unkempt.

Sally, on the other hand, is mystified by why Serena cannot respond to her feelings at all. Since Sally believes that she puts her feelings out there in a clear and concise manner, she becomes emotionally distraught about Serena’s inability to take care of her in these moments. Sally is also triggered into a panic state when Serena thwarts her efforts to be Serena’s emotional caretaker. Sally played this role throughout their lives and feels stripped of her function and duty when Serena rejects her offers of advice and counsel. Telephone conversations end up being empty and meaningless because Serena’s need for quiet self-reflection and passive responses leave Sally feeling empty, alone, and abandoned. 

Both women endured tremendous emotional and physical trauma growing up. As a consequence, Sally has adopted a persona who comes across as dogmatic, controlling, and powerful. Serena, on the other hand, says that she never felt heard or recognized in her family because Sally was the stronger twin. As a result, Serena is reluctant to assert herself in any real way when her sister is involved. She reverts back to her childhood, feeling isolated and alone in her attempts to handle overwhelming fears. It is tragic that sisters longing to feel safe and loved by the other are paralyzed by old defensive patterns. Both are understandably too fearful of changing or trusting the other, hiding their vulnerability behind these childhood roles. Their interpersonal difficulties spill over onto other relationships outside of their twin connection. Both look for friends who can mirror exactly what they need to feel safe and recognized.

Our goal will be to tackle the traumatic childhood experiences that continue to drive a wedge between the sisters and hopefully establish a safe emotional place for each of them. If they can agree to disagree and find a place of mutual recognition, each will be able to work through their emotional distress—Sally allowing Serena to be herself and Serena learning how to manage Sally’s wrath without fear of incrimination or retaliation.

I have titled this piece “Tilting at Windmills” out of a desire to show that many of us, not just twins, deplete ourselves emotionally by fighting off outdated psychic demons that are no longer pursuing us. Psychoanalytic psychotherapy enables the patient to understand the developmental root causes of presenting issues and work toward a healthier resolution in the future.

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