Many twins unsuspectingly have limited access to their inner life because of the expectable emotional disruption triggered by growing up alongside a same-age sibling. Until there is a developmental change or environmental shift, many twins are oblivious about having missed out on the opportunity or freedom to acknowledge their “gut” feelings. Many twin pairs maintain their compatibility by accommodating to the needs of the other. So, if one twin has grown up recognizing that an emotional equilibrium is best managed by allowing his twin to be in control, it is plausible to deduce that the compromising twin feels stymied in connecting with his inner self.

If one twin commandeers the twinship, the other might struggle to have faith in himself as well as in his sense of reality. Feeling self-assured about trusting one’s instincts helps to build self-confidence and assertiveness. It facilitates a capacity to believe in himself and in his ability to follow through with his convictions. At the same time, it allows for resilience that can help cushion inevitable failures and rejection. Sadly, an overly compliant twin who exists on high alert to keep his twin content will not experience these feelings. It may be that this secondary position contributes to his feeling devalued and unimportant.

A creative young man in his mid-twenties, whom I will call Barney, has come to recognize recently that his twin brother demanded both nonverbally and verbally that he conform to his twin’s expectations and demands. Barney was not resentful about this arrangement because his twin bond was integral to his sense of self. He had not realized how much his compliance contributed to his enormous self-doubts, oversensitivity, and lack of self-esteem. Now that he can appreciate the consequences of this situation, he is working hard to discover his intrinsic voice and trust his instincts. He feels liberated from the constraints and limitations that he has placed upon himself. He delights in experimenting with his newfound talents to expand his creativity and essence.

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A father of 13-year-old identical twin boys contacted me about one of his sons.

He and his wife had decided to separate the boys into different middle schools in order to give them the individual experiences that both were lacking up to this point. However, after more than four months at their individual schools, one son is thriving while the other is not.

Tom loves school, feels engaged and energized, and enthusiastically shares what he is doing and learning when his parents pick him up from school. On the other hand, Sam enters and leaves school with a lackadaisical, bland, and affectless demeanor and responds that school is OK. Given this huge discrepancy in their experiences, dad feels that perhaps moving Sam to Tom’s school would be to his advantage.

In probing more deeply into Sam’s personality and temperament, it appears that his parents are describing a youngster who seems depressed, dissociated, or passive.  

Although he does not talk about his feelings, Sam mentions that he’s feeling “overwhelmed.”

In fact, just a few days ago, his baseball coach mentioned that Sam seems unmotivated and uninterested when he attends practice. When his parents asked him why he acts disinterested, he replies that he’s “overwhelmed.”

It is difficult to discern a youngster’s affectual life in a telephone call, especially if the parents are the sole reporting figures. Often parents downplay or minimize struggles because it is painful to acknowledge their child’s suffering. Based upon the bits of information I heard, I shared with the parents that it is plausible that Sam seems upset. Instead of focusing upon an external situational change, I advised that it might be more prudent to seek the counsel of a seasoned child psychotherapist to help them assess how best to understand Sam’s present apathy.

Certainly, aspects of Sam’s difficulties may be related to his twinship. His father mentioned that long ago, his mother-in-law had observed that Sam was Tom’s wingman. Also, there was a fleeting reference to the fact that Sam tends to overeat in order to self-soothe; hence, there is a significant weight difference between the boys. While the twin connection can be scrutinized for contributing to the present situation, the salient issue is to address Sam’s emotional state. Placing him back in school with his effervescent twin would be an ill-advised and unrealistic quick fix that might further jeopardize his psychological well-being.

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When a twin gets in touch with me and tells me that he has seen a therapist in the past, invariably each attests to a shameful commonality – the therapist has proclaimed that the twin who feels abandoned, jealous, and guilty about his twin getting married, moving away, or having a better job is nothing short of SELFISH. This therapeutic lack of insight, empathy, and understanding about a twin’s state of mind in this predicament drives me crazy. I imagine that if a singleton sibling were in treatment and these same emotions surfaced, the clinician might not rush to judgment about that individual’s moral compass. More than likely, these feelings would fall under something that would come under the purview of normal “sibling” rivalry.  

Well, let me break it to you gently—twins who feel upset and disappointed with their twin fall under the rubric of normal “twin” rivalry. Grasping the nuances and ambivalent ramifications of a twin connection commands an in-depth and specialized knowledge of and appreciation for the twin challenges.

It’s fascinating that nontwins might assume that twins would and should be on the same page with feelings and thoughts no matter what – isn’t that the expectable twintuition? Social media, in particular, can’t seem to get enough of twins holding hands, babbling in their shared secret language, and reading about twins marrying twins! I am not denigrating the love that twins feel for one another; rather, I am attempting to educate folks that the road to healthy twin intimacy can be rocky and full of potholes. Parents and clinicians alike cannot be blind-sighted by their wishes to see twins in a holier than thou spotlight.

It has been my experience that the sets of twins who do confront the cracks in the twin relationship and receive proper counseling lead lives whereby their capacities for intimate connections with their twin and significant others are highly evolved and comfortable. SELFish is working through the complicated issues that interfere with twins feeling and experiencing a separate SELF. 

The post Feeling Negative Emotions Towards Your Twin? It’s Normal appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Those of you who follow my blog are familiar with the caretaker and cared-for dynamic within twinships. Essentially, one twin assumes the role of looking after the other—either consciously or unconsciously. This behavior can emerge organically or be influenced by parental expectations. I have been so fortunate to work with twins of all ages who seek my guidance when this dynamic is disrupted.

Many caretaking twins simply become overwhelmed by their sibling’s demands. The caretaker begins to feel bitter and angry about the years she has spent putting her twin’s needs and feelings ahead of her own desires. She experiences accumulated feelings of resentment about the lack of reciprocity or appreciation. She wants to pull back or flee.

However, at the same time, she feels a compulsion to satisfy her twin’s demands because the thought of abandoning her charge is unfathomable. While her caretaking role may be exhausting, she covets a connection with her sibling and struggles with change. The caretaking twin suffers tremendous emotional angst as she attempts to define a new normal for herself. The biggest hurdle seems to be her guilt about fulfilling a moral obligation. How can she justify taking care of herself at the risk of hurting her twin?

The cared-for twin is less prevalent in the therapeutic milieu; nonetheless, when she does seek advice, she complains that her sibling is controlling and dominating. The caretaking twin refuses to recognize that she is no longer needed in some fundamental ways. She is reluctant to relinquish her pseudoparental position. The cared-for sister attempts to tell her twin that she no longer wants to feel dependent or second rate. She loves her sibling but wants to be recognized for her independence and growth rather than reproached for appearing ungrateful or manipulative.

Either way, a systematic shift occurs in the twin relationship. Understandably, a rift may emerge until both siblings can adjust to the new parameters with mutual understanding and an acceptance of each other’s position. As those of us who have worked through these conflicts can attest, we do not stop feeling empathy for our twin. Rather, our compassion for and overidentification with our twin does not inhibit our own capacity to feel joy about our own lives.

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Many psychotherapists feel disheartened and discouraged when treating a couple who appears to be unable to reestablish trust and stability. And so it goes, as well, with some twin pairs who struggle to get their relationship back on track. It requires a tremendous amount of effort, dedication, and commitment to work through upsetting events and traumatic feelings.

I am working with a pair of identical female twins in their mid-fifties to facilitate their capacity to listen to one another and attempt to rekindle their connection. Since their mother died a year ago, both recognize and acknowledge that the only family they have left is each other. Feeling desperate about their inability to get along and recognize the other as a separate person, they contacted me for help. A multifaceted number of variables has hindered the evolution of their relationship for many years.

Both women have diametrically opposing personalities, which is one of many factors contributing to their lack of connection. Sally is outspoken, energetic, fast-paced, and extroverted. Her sister Serena is methodical, low keyed, shy, and orderly. When Serena gets upset by something that her sister says or does, she shuts down completely. She becomes anxious when she hears Sally express frustration, anger, or impatience; consequently, she cannot respond to Sally’s feelings in any meaningful way. Serena shared that it took her two years to muster up the courage to tell Sally that she hated visiting her apartment because it was so messy and unkempt.

Sally, on the other hand, is mystified by why Serena cannot respond to her feelings at all. Since Sally believes that she puts her feelings out there in a clear and concise manner, she becomes emotionally distraught about Serena’s inability to take care of her in these moments. Sally is also triggered into a panic state when Serena thwarts her efforts to be Serena’s emotional caretaker. Sally played this role throughout their lives and feels stripped of her function and duty when Serena rejects her offers of advice and counsel. Telephone conversations end up being empty and meaningless because Serena’s need for quiet self-reflection and passive responses leave Sally feeling empty, alone, and abandoned. 

Both women endured tremendous emotional and physical trauma growing up. As a consequence, Sally has adopted a persona who comes across as dogmatic, controlling, and powerful. Serena, on the other hand, says that she never felt heard or recognized in her family because Sally was the stronger twin. As a result, Serena is reluctant to assert herself in any real way when her sister is involved. She reverts back to her childhood, feeling isolated and alone in her attempts to handle overwhelming fears. It is tragic that sisters longing to feel safe and loved by the other are paralyzed by old defensive patterns. Both are understandably too fearful of changing or trusting the other, hiding their vulnerability behind these childhood roles. Their interpersonal difficulties spill over onto other relationships outside of their twin connection. Both look for friends who can mirror exactly what they need to feel safe and recognized.

Our goal will be to tackle the traumatic childhood experiences that continue to drive a wedge between the sisters and hopefully establish a safe emotional place for each of them. If they can agree to disagree and find a place of mutual recognition, each will be able to work through their emotional distress—Sally allowing Serena to be herself and Serena learning how to manage Sally’s wrath without fear of incrimination or retaliation.

I have titled this piece “Tilting at Windmills” out of a desire to show that many of us, not just twins, deplete ourselves emotionally by fighting off outdated psychic demons that are no longer pursuing us. Psychoanalytic psychotherapy enables the patient to understand the developmental root causes of presenting issues and work toward a healthier resolution in the future.

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