Congratulations! You will soon be part of an elite group of moms whose mothering experiences qualify them for the “Believe It or Not!” Club. Friends and family over the years will tell you that if they hadn’t seen it with their own eyes or heard it with their own ears, they wouldn’t believe you.

For example, to be rudely graphic, my identical twin baby boys used to fart at exactly the same time—no kidding. My mother-in-law and I would together bottle feed my infant boys and literally within seconds of each other, they would loudly pass gas. The babies were just weeks old, so this wasn’t a planned prank by mischievous male teenagers! (Though prepare yourself for this in the upcoming teen years.) My mother-in-law repeated this story to everyone, saying that if she wasn’t there in person, she wouldn’t have believed it.

Then there were the nights of the tag team crying episodes.

One infant would wake up crying in his crib, and either my husband or I would stagger into the nursery in the wee hours, pat the perpetrator back to sleep, and tiptoe slowly back to bed only—to have the other one start wailing. Hubby and I took turns, sometimes all night long. It took its toll on us physically to the point that we both looked like something the cat dragged in. Proof of this was when I ran into an old high school friend who took one horrified look at me and said, “Karen! What happened?!” My reply: “Twins.”

People may think that if you have identical twins, they will be alike in many ways. Sure they look exactly alike, but in other ways, it may not be even remotely true. For example, my boys are ‘mirror image twins.’ One’s a lefty and one’s a righty. One is a serious, less patient type, and the other is Mr. Easygoing, as evidenced in this early photo. They are going to be 40 years old this year, and this personality difference still holds true.

Also, prepare yourself for the sinister plots your toddlers come up with. They will conspire secretly and shock the heck out of you when you least expect it. For example, and to be graphic again, I learned to pee in 20 seconds or less because of the mischief they would get into whenever I closed the bathroom door behind me. The last straw was when I came out of the bathroom after a 20 seconds pee only to find one toddler standing on the dining room table reaching for the chandelier, and the other one climbing up on a chair to join him. Believe it or not, that was the last time I peed without an audience for a long time.

I will end this congratulatory message with a few interesting and heartwarming observations and synchronicities for you to be on the alert for as your twins are growing up:

• In elementary school, their differing personalities seemed to compliment each other when it came to making friends and fitting in with their classmates. Plus, living in a small home and having to share a bedroom and toys 24/7 helped them become expert negotiators and problem solvers among their friends.
• During the boys’ senior year in high school, I was at home suffering periodically from the extreme effects of chemotherapy. On my sickest days, one of them always seemed to ‘stop by’ on their lunch period to check on me… and they both claim that they didn’t plan it that way.
• Along those same lines, in their older years when they call to say hello to me, more times than not, they call within 5 minutes of each other, unaware that the other had called.

All in all, being a mom of twins has been the single best thing that ever happened to me in my life, gray hair and all!

I have a feeling you just might think so too! Keep your eyes open and your sense of humor ready for the “Believe It or Not!” moments… and welcome to the club!

The post What’s It Like to Raise Twin Boys? appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Nothing was easy about Desiree Childress’s third pregnancy. Soon after she and her husband, Will, learned they were expecting identical twin boys, she experienced severe nausea. Having trouble holding anything down, she became dehydrated and IV lines for fluids were placed.

At about 18 weeks, preterm labor began and strict at-home bed rest prescribed. With two young daughters at home, Tiffany, 9, and Victoria, 5, Desiree found staying off her feet and reducing stress nearly impossible. Five weeks later, she was hospitalized.

Both nurses, Desiree and Will knew that these early complications and a twin pregnancy increased the likelihood of a premature delivery. Over 50% of multiples are born prematurely (before 37 weeks gestation), or weigh less than five and one-half pounds. Many preemie multiples require weeks of hospitalization and special medical attention.

By getting expert care in the hospital, Desiree hoped her babies would arrive close to term, but she also wanted to be prepared for the unexpected. David and Isaiah were born eight weeks early, each weighing a little over three pounds. “You really can’t prepare for the reality of delivering preemies, but knowing what to expect made it a little less overwhelming,” she says.

Julie Medas, a clinical neonatal nurse specialist at MetroHealth Medical Center in Cleveland, Ohio, agrees. She says that learning about the neonatal intensive care nursery (the NICU) and what a preemie looks like “won’t provide comfort, but it will give parents a sense of familiarity should their babies arrive early and need special care.”

Taking a Tour

Medas recommends that parents experiencing pregnancy complications ask for a tour of the NICU and visit a baby of comparable gestational age. “The perception is that seeing a preemie will overwhelm parents, but sometimes the imagination is far worse,” she says.

A neonatologist or a neonatal nurse can explain some of the medical equipment and common problems of preemies. Your hospital may also offer a video or booklet about the NICU. If information becomes stressful, cut your visit short and come back another day.

“The NICU can seem like a foreign land with an unfamiliar language,” says Medas. Take your time to absorb this new world, and don’t be afraid to ask questions. Some suggestions:

* What are visiting hours, and who can visit?
* Will my babies be placed near each other?
* How can I participate in my babies’ care?
* Does the NICU encourage skin-to-skin contact, music therapy, or infant massage?
* Are multiples co-bedded (placed in the same bed)?
* What resources are available to parents of premature babies and multiples?
* Is there a developmental program (occupational and physical therapy) for preemies?
* Is there a place for parents to spend the night?
* Is CPR training offered?

Researching Resources
On bed rest and with time on her hands, Desiree created a notebook of resources she’d need after the twins’ birth: “I made a list of dependable support systems, those who I could really count on like my church to provide meals and sitters my girls really liked.” She also included important names and phone numbers, such as her insurance provider and pediatrician, and she rented a pager so the NICU could reach her.

To find out what services and help you may need following your babies’ birth, talk with your hospital social worker or a nurse. Also, ask if there are any local preemie parent or mothers of multiples support groups: A parent of preemie multiples can offer first-hand advice. Mothers of Supertwins (631-859-1110) and The Triplet Connection (209-474-0885) offer programs and literature to support expectant mothers of multiples.

Desiree joined a mothers of multiples club in her third trimester. “At first, it was scary because all of the mothers of twins in the group had delivered prematurely,” she says, “but it also gave me hope to see that their children were okay, and they offered great support.”

Breastmilk Basics
When you’re coping with pregnancy complications and the risk of premature babies, thinking about breastfeeding can be daunting, to say the least. But learning about breast milk and how it can help your babies is something important you can do for your babies.

“Some doctors consider breast milk a medicine for preemies,” says Medas. Research shows breastmilk is less stressful on a preemie’s digestive system and kidneys, provides important antibodies that fight infection, and protects against allergies.

Babies who are born very small and very sick will not have the ability to breastfeed during their first days or weeks of life, but they can receive breast milk through a feeding tube placed in their nose or mouth. This means mothers have to pump and store their milk. A lactation consultant with knowledge of a preemie’s special needs can provide instruction. Ask your pediatrician, the hospital staff, or the La Leche League (800-525-3243) for a referral. Many NICUs have lending libraries that include breast-feeding books and videos, too.

“Even if you can’t or choose not to breastfeed, you can still provide your babies with the best nutrition possible,” says Medas. And it’s something only you, a mother, can do.

Preemie Parenthood
“I was prepared for the monitors and technology in the NICU, but it was still overwhelming to see those two tiny little babies,” says Desiree. “I couldn’t see their faces because of the wires and tape. I couldn’t hold them or feed them. I felt like I had really lost out.”

If your babies’ birth can’t be delayed and you become a parent of preemie multiples, like Desiree and Will, you’ll face many emotions: guilt, anger, sadness, and fear, to name a few. Having more than one baby adds to the stress: You may have two sets of medical complications to cope with, maybe even two sets of healthcare providers.

Making arrangements for help before your babies’ birth is a good idea (whether or not you delivery prematurely). You’ll need time to take care of yourself so that you’ll have the energy to take care of your babies and family.

After a difficult pregnancy, you’ll also need time to reflect on your losses. To help you cope with your feelings before and after delivery, consider starting a journal, or find someone who listens well (another parent, a social worker, a mental health expert, an Internet chat room (such as the TWINS Magazine Message Board), or a clergy member).

“Remember, feeling is healthy,” says Mara Stein, a Chicago clinical psychologist who delivered twin girls ten weeks early. “But if your feelings start getting in the way of your life, affecting your marriage or other relationships, or you find yourself constantly feeling sad, you may need professional help,” she says. Consult a trained therapist, such as a psychologist, psychiatrist, social worker, or family counselor.

“Becoming a parent of preemies is the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do,” says Desiree, whose twins are now eight months old. “But when I look at David and Isaiah and see them smile, I know it’s all been worth it.”

Amy E. Tracy is the author of The Pregnancy Bed Rest Book (Berkley Trade, 2001), and the co-author of Your Premature Baby and Child (Berkley Trade, 1999). Visit her Web site at www.pregnancybedrest.com.

Who’s Who in the NICU

Neonatologist: a doctor who is specially trained in the care of premature and sick babies
Registered Nurse: has graduated from an accredited school of nursing; these nurses provide much of the daily care of preemies.

Neonatal Nurse Practitioner: a registered nurse who has advanced training in neonatal care.

Clinical Neonatal Nurse Specialist: a registered nurse who has additional neonatal training in patient and nurse education.

Social Worker: can provide information on nonmedical care, such as insurance coverage, emotional support, and transportation.

Respiratory Therapist: a specialist who provides the respiratory needs of ill babies.

Developmental Therapists: help enhance a baby’s physical development.

Medical Specialists: doctors with further specialized training in such areas as the eyes, heart, lungs, and brain.

NICU Baby Books
NICU Notebook: A Parent’s Journal
Available from:
Mothers of Supertwins
PO Box 951
Brentwood, NY 11717
www.mostonline.org
877-434-MOST (6678)

The post Expecting the Unexpected: Preparing for an Early Delivery appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

As a psychologist working with twins, I have found that twins express a wide range of ideas about twinship and individuality. Some confess to believing that, separated, they are less than a whole human being, and together they are an unusually powerful human being. There is also a frequent theme of “good” twin and “evil” twin as if in their separation one became the embodiment of good and the other of evil. Some twins report a fear that parents confused their identities as newborns, and that they will never know who is really who. Some describe their twin as the other side of them. Still, others say that when they want to be by themselves it really means they want to be with their twin.

In developmental psychology and psychoanalysis, we learn that separateness and difference between self and other is a slowly evolving understanding. According to this premise, we all begin life as a whole, undifferentiated from others, knowing no demarcation of self and other. As we develop psychologically, we come to understand that we are indeed differentiated and split off from what we once were a part of.

When some people see identical twins, they may have an uneasy feeling that stems from an unconscious memory of not being fully differentiated. They may recognize a wish to be able to exist as an individual and yet not do so. In other words, in twins, people can see the possibility of eliminating the pain and loneliness of individuality while still remaining individual. This potential may explain the world’s fascination with twins. Even twins themselves feel this fascination.

An identical twin told me the following story. She was in a beauty shop where she saw a set of identical twins sitting side-by-side under the hairdryers talking to each other. She watched them with fascination and had the thought, “I wonder what that feels like.” Then she remembered that she was an identical twin. What she felt was the longing that all people experience to be back in a time prior to the existence of separation and loneliness, to be one with another person. Because twins shared the same womb before birth and before psychological separateness, I believe they can feel this longing infinitely more intensely than non-twins.

One of the most widely circulated photos in the last few years tenderly demonstrates that the twin bond is formed in the womb. A 1995 article in the Worcester Gazette (Mass.) entitled “The Rescuing Hug,”* described twins born prematurely and put in separate incubators, a standard practice. Three weeks after birth one of the twins was in critical condition; the nurses were unable to stabilize her and feared she would die. With the parents’ consent, they put the twins together in one incubator. The healthy twin snuggled up to the sick twin and wrapped her tiny arm around her sister. Within minutes the sick twin’s blood oxygen rates were the best they had been since she was born.

How these–or any twins–move from a “we” position to an “I” position is a primary task of childhood and sometimes adulthood. It is a difficult task for any human being, and exponentially so for twins. Through repetitive interactions with our environment, we begin to discover who we are by separating ourselves out from the rest of the world. The primary separation is from mother.

For twins and triplets, however, the process is complicated by the fact that they must learn to distinguish themselves from a constant companion. To the extent that they appear identical, the task will be that much more difficult. This process begins around 6 months of age. Parents discover that a baby who previously would let many people hold him will no longer do so. We call this “stranger anxiety” and it implies that the baby has begun to separate people, including himself, from others. Interestingly, psychological researchers have found that often between the ages of 6 and 10 months twins seem to become highly aware of each other while being averse to gazing at each other. It is as if in this time of initial separation and individuation the presence of one so similar to oneself is somehow troubling.

If parents treat twins as a unit, it can hinder the process of attaining an individual identity, even for infants. To the extent parents can experience and treat their multiples as individuals, the greater will be their children’s ability to experience themselves as individuals. The more individuated each multiple is, the more stable his or her relationship will be throughout the trials of life. Developing as an individual is not a threat to the twin bond, but contributes to the health of the twinship.

How parents help twins and triplets develop their own identities must be done on a child-by-child basis. No one answer is right for all twins. I have many stories from twins I’ve worked with in psychotherapy who describe severe trauma from being separated. I also have many stories of twins suffering trauma from not being separated. Parents must evaluate the individual situations. Regarding wearing the same clothes, sharing birthday parties, having play dates together, and so on, look at the twins as individuals and explore, with their help, what is in each one’s best interest. While we don’t necessarily accept their judgment as final, considering their wishes certainly increases the possibility of making healthy decisions for twin children.

Most of the twins I have worked with express the feeling of being a twin as a blessing, regardless of the complications involved. They point out that they have a head start on human relationships. In helping twins become healthy individuals, secure in their own identities, and able to form satisfying and fulfilling relationships with others, we teach them to balance unity and separation. Ultimately, they can enjoy being close with another person in a way that is never experienced by a non-twin and satisfies an intense longing in the human condition.

The post Am I an I or a We: Helping twins to be individuals appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Nicole peeks around her mother’s side to watch Rachel chatter with the cashier in the grocery store. While at a family gathering, Jordan quickly agrees with whatever activity Jeffrey suggests. Colleen entertains a circle of their parents’ friends while Kerry hesitantly glances at them. These children want to interact with unfamiliar people, but remain silent, even when spoken to. They may go to great lengths to avoid calling any attention to themselves, as when Jordan quietly whispers to Bryce, “Don’t sing; people will look at us.”

Twins naturally attract attention and when one twin doesn’t feel up to a bright sunny “hello,” others are quick to say, “That must be the shy one.” People automatically put labels on twins and to the parents’ dismay, they do this in front of them.

What is shyness?
Shyness is a feeling of anxiety that results in the child not responding in social situations. Although the shyness is not the complete child, it is an important part of the child’s personality. And if we minimize or contradict those feelings, we intensify the anxious feelings, which, in turn, increases the shyness. In some cases, children who are shy in public or unfamiliar settings can be less shy or even outgoing and gregarious at home and with people they know well. In these situations, there isn’t a reason for serious concern, as most of these children will overcome their shyness.

Almost all toddlers are bashful at times–some with unfamiliar people, some around peers and others with adults. About half of these children will no longer be shy by the time they are 5 or 6 years old. Of those who are, about half will have outgrown their shyness by the time they are teenagers. Although the remaining children may be shy throughout their lives, they can acquire skills and techniques to minimize their shyness.

When people say your child is shy
So how does a parent respond to comments that single out one of their twins as shy? The best response is to smile and kindly disagree with their statement. By offering a neutral option, your child receives the positive message that it is acceptable to be who he is. And when your child refuses to respond to a question by someone else? Prompt him and then go on with the conversation whether or not he responds. This gives your child an opportunity to interact if he feels comfortable, while not placing pressure on the child.

Helping your twins
“Kerry is shy,” says Sharon Murphy, Ph.D., a child psychologist in Hinsdale, Illinois, and mother of 5-year-old twin girls, “while Colleen is spontaneous, more of a risk taker. I want Kerry to feel comfortable and to know that it’s okay to be shy because that’s her temperament.” Dr. Murphy has helped Kerry by allowing her to be comfortable in her own way rather than pushing her to be like her sister. Over the past year, she has watched Kerry go from an anxious, and sometimes envious, observer to a child who is gradually joining in. Dr. Murphy feels that “Kerry needed to be ready to do that on her own,” and she understood that if she attempted to push Kerry into socializing too soon, it could have increased her anxiety.

Twins often–but not always–are in similar developmental stages and have similar needs. Therefore, it is important when you encourage your less sociable twin to maintain the spontaneity of the more outgoing twin. Having them take turns is an easy and positive routine to develop. This worked well with our now 4-year-old identical twins, Rachel and Nicole. We began to do this when, at age 3, we noticed that Rachel was speaking up quicker and participating more than Nicole. Over time, Nicole began to withdraw more, defer to Rachel’s decisions and gradually not verbalize much at all, especially in unfamiliar situations.

Our response was to alternate asking questions of the girls, and when activity was required, alternate who went first. We did this for questions and activities, such as choosing a book to read or being first to brush her teeth. Initially, Nicole gave the same response as Rachel or changed her answer to correspond with Rachel’s. However, she gradually began to answer with her own ideas and desires, and to volunteer to be first. We extended this approach to situations outside the home. Taking turns was pivotal in helping our cautious twin to feel comfortable with expression and participation. By being patient and understanding of any initial hesitation, her self-esteem and confidence increased.

It’s important for parents to show they love and accept their child for who he is, not because they expect him to be outgoing. It is also important to encourage each twin to be proud of the other’s successes. Parents should praise small attempts as enthusiastically as accomplishments. Joe and Sharon Gaston, of Austin, Texas, feel that each of their twins, Jeffrey and Jordan, “has his own strengths. When we see Jordan beginning to withdraw or to allow Jeffrey to dominate the situation, we help them by redirecting their activities to an area in which Jordan excels.”

Time for concern
In this society, shy people are perceived negatively; there is more approval for being bold and outgoing. At times, most children experience shyness, but some children experience it to a debilitating degree.

A naturally timid child may have less frequent social interaction and, consequently, less opportunity to acquire social skills, which leads to a shy response style. Overall, these children have fewer friends, avoid being in the spotlight and are more likely to feel lonely and to have low self-esteem. Parents, siblings or others can amplify this by teasing or criticizing the child. Sensitive children with a poor self-image find it easier to withdraw, avoiding situations and people who cause discomfort.

You should be concerned, if by age 4, your child’s shyness prevents her from venturing away from your side, playing with friends, or participating in preschool lessons. By the late elementary years, this withdrawal reflex can become deeply ingrained. Physical symptoms (stomachache or headache) are classic features of shyness or social anxiety. If these types of symptoms develop, consult a psychologist who specializes in working with children and families. Be supportive of your children’s temperament. Always show respect and sensitivity to their needs. Stop worrying about your children’s personal style and say “I love you” often. By ending on a success, you’ll help your children stay enthusiastic and become self-confident.

Brenda A. Henderson, Ph.D., of Chicago, Illinois, is a pediatric clinical psychologist and mother of identical twin girls born in April 1995.

The post When One Twin is Shy appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Many twins unsuspectingly have limited access to their inner life because of the expectable emotional disruption triggered by growing up alongside a same-age sibling. Until there is a developmental change or environmental shift, many twins are oblivious about having missed out on the opportunity or freedom to acknowledge their “gut” feelings. Many twin pairs maintain their compatibility by accommodating to the needs of the other. So, if one twin has grown up recognizing that an emotional equilibrium is best managed by allowing his twin to be in control, it is plausible to deduce that the compromising twin feels stymied in connecting with his inner self.

If one twin commandeers the twinship, the other might struggle to have faith in himself as well as in his sense of reality. Feeling self-assured about trusting one’s instincts helps to build self-confidence and assertiveness. It facilitates a capacity to believe in himself and in his ability to follow through with his convictions. At the same time, it allows for resilience that can help cushion inevitable failures and rejection. Sadly, an overly compliant twin who exists on high alert to keep his twin content will not experience these feelings. It may be that this secondary position contributes to his feeling devalued and unimportant.

A creative young man in his mid-twenties, whom I will call Barney, has come to recognize recently that his twin brother demanded both nonverbally and verbally that he conform to his twin’s expectations and demands. Barney was not resentful about this arrangement because his twin bond was integral to his sense of self. He had not realized how much his compliance contributed to his enormous self-doubts, oversensitivity, and lack of self-esteem. Now that he can appreciate the consequences of this situation, he is working hard to discover his intrinsic voice and trust his instincts. He feels liberated from the constraints and limitations that he has placed upon himself. He delights in experimenting with his newfound talents to expand his creativity and essence.

The post The Importance of Forming Your Own Identity As A Twin appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

When a twin gets in touch with me and tells me that he has seen a therapist in the past, invariably each attests to a shameful commonality – the therapist has proclaimed that the twin who feels abandoned, jealous, and guilty about his twin getting married, moving away, or having a better job is nothing short of SELFISH. This therapeutic lack of insight, empathy, and understanding about a twin’s state of mind in this predicament drives me crazy. I imagine that if a singleton sibling were in treatment and these same emotions surfaced, the clinician might not rush to judgment about that individual’s moral compass. More than likely, these feelings would fall under something that would come under the purview of normal “sibling” rivalry.  

Well, let me break it to you gently—twins who feel upset and disappointed with their twin fall under the rubric of normal “twin” rivalry. Grasping the nuances and ambivalent ramifications of a twin connection commands an in-depth and specialized knowledge of and appreciation for the twin challenges.

It’s fascinating that nontwins might assume that twins would and should be on the same page with feelings and thoughts no matter what – isn’t that the expectable twintuition? Social media, in particular, can’t seem to get enough of twins holding hands, babbling in their shared secret language, and reading about twins marrying twins! I am not denigrating the love that twins feel for one another; rather, I am attempting to educate folks that the road to healthy twin intimacy can be rocky and full of potholes. Parents and clinicians alike cannot be blind-sighted by their wishes to see twins in a holier than thou spotlight.

It has been my experience that the sets of twins who do confront the cracks in the twin relationship and receive proper counseling lead lives whereby their capacities for intimate connections with their twin and significant others are highly evolved and comfortable. SELFish is working through the complicated issues that interfere with twins feeling and experiencing a separate SELF. 

The post Feeling Negative Emotions Towards Your Twin? It’s Normal appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Seemingly, each new day reveals a different headline or restriction to stop the spread of this monster virus and with each new piece of information, the kids readjust their learning and expectation of what the foreseeable future holds. The bizarre schedule rides like a bucking bronco stuck in a living room, but one with clear perks for twins and multiples. I hear mine laughing from the other room and can tell you, it’s a good day to be a twin!

Growing up with a twin sister while attending public school was tricky. My sister, the smarter and more responsible one, always kept me in line. I liked it on the days of forgotten algebra textbooks in middle school and extra reading material for points in elementary, but I recall clear memories wishing away my sister’s explanations for my misdeeds. At school, we ran with different friends because of our own differences and I kept a clear distance away from home.

Hearing laughter from the other room reminds me that this offers a season to reconnect as a family.

At home, however, one thing stayed the same, we were twins, sisters, and friends, wombmates to share life with. At home, our differences added diversity to our favorite pastimes and we felt just fine. Better than fine, in fact, because we always had a peer to play with. We engaged in discussions over books read or movies watched, we experimented in the kitchen and practiced the latest hair trends on each other. Unlike school, we escaped the classmates’ opinions and teachers’ judgments and the restricting schedule. Home together as twins rarely went wrong and we built a friendship there which far outlasted the bumpy journey of public school.

Hearing laughter from the other room reminds me that this time could be a time of panic and uncertainty, but it offers a season to reconnect as a family. Having a twin amidst “stay at home” orders helps the time pass with less weight and the place we call home a place where friendship blooms. 

Maybe these months will be the stuff of fond memories made similar to those of my childhood. While heavy worry with intermittent panic grows outside of our four walls, I desperately long to show my kids how safe home can be.

Someday, when talk of this virus dissipates, I don’t want my kids to remember the news anchors or the numbers or the missing toilet paper. I want them to remember the home-grown games and laughter and learning so the next time there is a panic, they long for this soft, safe place we all call home.

Like my yesteryears, this season of government-ordered “stay at home” showcases the positivity of twinhood. Without the pressures to conform to peers or professionals, twins focus on the things they know and love. In a season when other kids desperately long for a return to school for some company, a twin enjoys their built-in peer at home. Even managing virtual learning alongside a twin proves easier because someone is always there to help explain and discuss concepts, assignments, and inside jokes about the teachers. The fourteen-year-old twins in our home create scenarios about what a friend or teacher might say in response to a virtual assignment and then they grin and chuckle.

Yes, it’s a great day to be a twin!

The post It’s A Great Day To Be A Twin appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Try some of these ideas to enjoy your twin’s first holiday season as a family. 

For my twins’ first Christmas, I was determined to be a cool mom. I wrapped a few toys to put under the tree. I kept the ornaments simple.

I didn’t offer to host a big family feast. There was just one tradition I wanted to start: baking homemade cookies with them. Never mind that my daughter and son were 5 months old and hadn’t even tried solids. I’d read somewhere that smells trigger emotional memories, and I was determined that as they grew, anytime they smelled the scent of sweets wafting from an oven, they would be flooded with memories of home.

As you might predict, my first attempt at baking with the babies wasn’t the cozy kitchen scene I’d envisioned. I put too much pressure on myself to make the moment fun and perfect, starting with my recipe for complicated glittery star-shaped cookies. When my tears started rolling, I felt as if I’d ruined not just their Christmas Present but all of their Christmas Futures. Ah, Baby’s first big holiday. Like the first birthday, this milestone triggers a mom’s urge to plot and plan. But take it from me, a parent who has been there: Less is truly more. Use these steps to feel fortunate this holiday — not grinchy.

Blend Old and New

Until this year, you’ve probably celebrated the holidays the way your parents or your in-laws did. Now that you’re the mom, you have the chance to call the shots and establish new traditions. Just make sure you do so thoughtfully.

Talk to Grammy. If you’ve always gone to your Bubbe’s house for the first night of Hanukkah but want to light the first candle by your own hearth, don’t dodge the topic — be up-front with her, says Meg Cox, author of The Book of New Family Traditions. Reinforce what won’t change; for example, you’ll still go to Aunt Sue’s house for the last night of Hanukkah. And resist making any broad, forever proclamations. In the end, you may really miss Bubbe’s bash and want to return next year.

Give everyone a break.

“The year my daughter was born, we decided to go to a restaurant for our holiday dinner, which is something we’ve continued to do,” says Anika Palm, of Orlando. “My family was thrilled!”

Without the stress of cooking, everyone in Palm’s family could focus on being together. “You order what you want and then leave the mess behind,” she says.

Dial down the holiday emphasis.

If your babies are less than a month old, the best bet may be to treat the day as 20 percent holiday, 80 percent regular day. Even leaving the house may be too much. “My son was 6 days old for his first Christmas,” says Melissa Schlegel, of La Crosse, Kansas. “I thought we were scaling back by not driving the three hours to my parents’ and just going to my in-laws’ nearby. But I hadn’t yet found a proper nursing bra, and I practically had to undress in a back bedroom to breastfeed my son. I was exhausted and overwhelmed.”

Roll with it. If your family has traditions you love, stick with them. They’ll still feel brand-new to your little one in the coming years. That’s how Olga Davis, a Chicago mom, whose daughter Madeline celebrated her first Christmas last year, sees it. “Our family is Mexican, and our big gathering is Christmas Eve,” she says. “We make tamales and bunuelos [fried dough], and everyone stays up until midnight to open gifts.”

Davis envisions her daughter doing exactly that as a kid. “Hey, I had to wait!” she explains. “Madeline will too! And she can join in the cooking.”

Get your partner’s input. The two of you have probably learned to take turns visiting each other’s parents for the holidays. Now build on that compromise by discussing the one or two aspects from your own childhood traditions that you want to pass down, says Cox. Make those a priority, and you’ll both feel heard.

Plan some child-free time. And guard it fiercely. Hire a sitter, so you don’t miss your friend’s big bash. Spend a Saturday afternoon baking with your sisters or shop all day with your mom. Afterward, you’ll feel more refreshed for taking care of your sweetie.

Create a Family Story

When you start to panic about not buying enough for your babies this holiday, take a calm-mom breath. “Most of us don’t remember the gifts we receive as kids,” says Cox. “What we remember are the rituals that happened every year.” As your children grows, these little events are what will bring them comfort and a sense of place.

Enjoy simple moments. If you’re up for it, start a tradition you can easily repeat. Cook latkes with another family. Snap a photo of your babies in their Santa jammies. “For our babies first Christmas, we placed a tiny tree in their bedroom, safely out of reach on a bookcase,” says Wendy Cromwell, a mom in Atlanta. It turned into a tradition. “This year will be their third Christmas, and they can’t wait to decorate her tree.”

Give back. True, your babies won’t remember a good deed you do for others this season, but once sharing is part of your family’s holiday routine, it may stick. Buy two of a toy that you are planning to give your children and donate one. Shannon Johnson, of Dobbs Ferry, New York, a mom of two, began donating food on a monthly basis to a needy family the year she became a mom. Eleven years later, they’re still at it. “I knew this tradition would grow with us,” she says. “And it takes the focus off what’s under the tree.”

Reconnect with your roots. New parents are often energized to learn more about their own culture. “We decided to add a Dia de los Reyes [Three Kings Day] celebration to our family’s holiday traditions when our first child was born, not just because it’s a Latino holiday but because it continues the story of Jesus’ birth,” says Melanie Mendez Gonzales, a mom of two in San Antonio. Now Gonzales’ family drinks te de canela, a cinnamon tea; eats pan dulce, a sweet bread; and plays Loteria, similar to bingo. “Part of my Mexican culture could get lost if we don’t continue these traditions,” she says.

Invest in relationships. “I love to curl up on the couch with my son after we’ve decorated the tree and talk about the ornaments we’ve collected,” says Cox. “It’s just us connecting.” Your kids may not be old enough to sit and chat, but they’re the perfect age for cuddling in front of your decorations. As for my quest for cookies that first year, I did turn out a batch of tasty, three-ingredient peanut butter confections.

My twins are now 5 and we’ve baked together every year, creating big messes and plenty of arm-less gingerbread men. I look forward to it, but if life gets in the way, a sugar-cookie scented candle sits on my kitchen counter.

Techy Tools for Holiday Help

The latest trends for saving time and banishing stress from your to-do list.

You Want: Shopping done overnight

Try:  Signing up for an Amazon Prime membership (Amazon.com). A $79 annual fee gets you free shipping on eligible items, and free streaming movies, perfect for holiday fun.

You Want: Gifts at bargain prices

Try: Downloading the RedLaser app (free for iOS, Android, and Windows). Scan the purchase you’re about to make and you’ll find out whether you’re getting the best deal. If not, you’ll be directed to the store or online site with the lowest price.

You Want: A potluck that’s easy to plan

Try: Going to Perfect PotLuck.com. Reduce the back-and-forth on who is making what, and coordinate dishes so everyone doesn’t bring green bean casseroles.

You Want: Quality time with faraway family

Try: Using FaceTime, Google+ Hangouts, or Skype. Now Grammy who lives in Maine can read ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas to your baby at your home in Miami.

By Kim Hays from American Baby

The post The Holiday Survival Guide – Surviving the First Holiday Season appeared first on TWINS Magazine.