Dear New Mom and Dad of Twins:

Expecting twins for the first time? Parenting twins can be stressful, but it can also be one of the best experiences of your lives. I have a twin sister; we are fraternal twins. Twenty-one years ago, my parents found out they were expecting twins during the first ultrasound. It was quite the surprise for them! They were excited but also worried about having double of everything. My sister and I were born 11 weeks premature. Because of our early arrival, my parents had to quickly prepare for double the amount of baby clothes, the messes and the future expenses. But, there was also double the amount of fun and love that had to be provided.

Preparing for twins can be demanding, but it is important for parents to be ready when the twins arrive. Joan A. Friedman, a psychotherapist and twin expert from southern California, says parents can prepare for having twins by developing expectations that are realistic. Parents will be busy and stressed, so they need to set some time aside to relax. Friedman says parents should work together to make parenting more efficient.

“Work out with your partner beforehand how you will attempt to help each other during these difficult early months,” Friedman says.

To prepare for having twins, my parents also had realistic expectations. They knew that they would have to think about the little aspects, including buying enough diapers and balancing feeding times. My mother says the first few nights after my sister and I came home from the hospital, my father kept insisting that since he had to go to work the next day, he needed his sleep. My mother got up and fed both of us. But, when she fed us, she also woke my father up, so he didn’t get much sleep anyway.

“What we ended up doing was both getting up and each feeding a baby, and then we went back to bed and slept until it was time to feed the babies again. That worked much better than the first approach.”

It is also important that parents know they can ask for help. Friedman says parents should not be afraid to ask others around them for help when caring for twins. “Don’t be reluctant as you will need extra laps and hands,” Friedman says.

Ask a relative to help out with the twins once a week, or ask a friend to spend a few hours with one of the twins. My grandparents pitched in when they could even though they lived a few hours away. My mother says my grandma came to help right after we came home from the hospital. She also visited sometimes during the day to babysit, so my parents got a chance to eat out or go shopping.

There are also many useful resources for new parents, including books about twins, twins’ clubs, pediatricians and talking with other parents who are raising twins. Friedman says new parents should not be hard on themselves; it is okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes. She says parents should do what they think is best when it comes down to their parenting style.

“It is about surviving and doing a good enough job, not a perfect one.”

My parents talked to a pediatrician and found him to be very helpful. He was a twin himself, which added to his knowledge of twins. He gave my parents many tips about baby nutrition and tips on how to care for twins when both babies become sick.

“The family pediatrician, Dr. Stein, told us which medicines to give to the girls,” says my mother. “He was especially helpful when you girls got pink eye multiple times.”

Another key piece of advice is to expect that new parents will both be tired and overwhelmed at first. My parents created a schedule to balance different tasks.

“I would take out the trash and fill up the bottles, while Mom changed diapers and dressed the girls,” says my father. “Although I was exhausted at first, it got easier once we figured out a routine.”

According to The Twin Coach, a website created by Gina Osher, a mother of twins, new parents should stay calm and talk to other parents of multiples. By reaching out and conversing with other parents, parents can become more knowledgeable about twins and learn about ways to provide the best care for their twins. My family lived next door to twin boys who were four years older than we were. We became close with our neighbors, and my mother got a lot of free parenting advice from their mother.

In addition, Friedman says it is important to spend alone time with each twin in order to get to know him or her individually. As twins grow older, parents can see their differences and they can work to treat their twins as individuals.

My parents tried to treat my sister and me as individuals. As toddlers, my parents dressed us differently and encouraged us to spend time with other children.

“I wanted to make sure you girls were individuals with your own personalities and interests,” says my mother. “But, at the same time, I wanted you to be friends and have a good relationship.”

Friedman also says that parents cannot make their twins’ lives completely equal.

“Don’t get caught up in the fair and equal dilemma even though your twins attempt to guilt you into such a conundrum.”

Parents try to make everything fair, but it is just not possible. Each twin has different personality traits and different wants as he or she grows older. Instead of making everything fair, parents should focus on encouraging each twin to live his or her own life, so everything does not seem like it has to be equal.

Nonetheless, twins become friends because they spend a lot of time with each other. My parents encouraged my sister and me to have a close relationship. The twin relationship is a special one that twins should foster. My twin sister and I have different interests, but we are also very close; we can talk about anything with each other.

Furthermore, Friedman says parents should not focus on the “twin mystique.” By doing this, parents tend to idealize what it is to be a twin. She says that parents should take note of the pros and cons of parenting twins.

Friedman recommends parents read her first book, Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children. Her book provides parents with information about pregnancy with twins and raising twins.

I hope this information will help you as you begin your journey of parenting twins. Having twins will bring you double the amount of joy and memorable experiences. My parents continue to learn about twins and make new memories, even after 21 years.

Best wishes,

Marie Cash, a fraternal twin

As a recent college graduate, Marie has a bachelor’s degree in journalism from the University of Northern Colorado. She enjoys reading, writing and baking new recipes for her food blog. Marie has a fraternal twin named Kathy. They are best friends and both live in Colorado. Someday they want to attend the Twins Day Festival in Twinsburg, Ohio.

The post Tips for New Parents with Twins: An Open Letter from a Twin appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Think about it… this is a fantastic and amazing statement!  It’s a proclamation that we should all hold dear, a mantra we should all live by, a motivational statement we should tell ourselves each and every day… especially during those unfortunate times when we aren’t at our “perfect Pinterest, parenting best!”  “Parenting doesn’t get easier, it just gets better!”

I know there have been plenty of times over the years I have not made the best choices in how I resolve conflict and parenting challenges.  I can even remember times I probably should have given myself a “time-out” by locking myself in my room and comforting myself with chocolate… but there were also plenty of times where I was beaming with pride when one of my boys did something positive, productive and non-life threatening!

You see… parenting does not get easier, BUT…it does gets better.  Just when you think you have mastered one age and stage; they move onto the next one and you’re off, having to adjust and learn a new way to handle the hurdles and challenges that inevitably will come your way.

All of these issues that arise are not easier to deal with (like wiping poop off the walls after they ripped off their diapers and threw them until they stuck issue); but these challenges just get better as you go… trust me… MUCH better than that!

Whether you are pregnant with your twins and need information about what to expect, you’re in the thick of midnight feedings, colic and teething or you’re preparing your twins for potty training, all of these parenting milestones are as important for them (children) as they are for us (parents.)

I will tell you that you really do feel such a sigh of relief and a huge sense of accomplishment when they begin to crawl, walk, talk and feed themselves.  Each age and stage they reach you get to learn more about your parenting style and you get to know your children much better and who they REALLY are.

This is not easier, either, but it IS… better.

When you are met with a challenge and face it head-on, you will find that you are much more confident and capable at parenting and ready to tackle anything then you ever thought you were… (Especially when your friends with singletons look at you in ‘awe’!)

So as your children move through each stage so will you as a parent!  Just as they master each skill, you will, too!  And just when you think that this difficult phase they are in will ‘never’ pass, it will, and you will move on to the next difficult phase and so on and so on…

Once you master this stage, you will then be ready to move onto the next one (running in separate directions phase!)  You’ve got this! So be brave and venture out into the world with your infant twins and prove to yourself and others how strong you really are… and allow yourself to breathe in the fresh air of life!

When you are in the thick of it all… just keep telling yourself: “Parenting doesn’t get easier, it just gets better!”

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As a psychologist working with twins, I have found that twins express a wide range of ideas about twinship and individuality. Some confess to believing that, separated, they are less than a whole human being, and together they are an unusually powerful human being. There is also a frequent theme of “good” twin and “evil” twin as if in their separation one became the embodiment of good and the other of evil. Some twins report a fear that parents confused their identities as newborns, and that they will never know who is really who. Some describe their twin as the other side of them. Still, others say that when they want to be by themselves it really means they want to be with their twin.

In developmental psychology and psychoanalysis, we learn that separateness and difference between self and other is a slowly evolving understanding. According to this premise, we all begin life as a whole, undifferentiated from others, knowing no demarcation of self and other. As we develop psychologically, we come to understand that we are indeed differentiated and split off from what we once were a part of.

When some people see identical twins, they may have an uneasy feeling that stems from an unconscious memory of not being fully differentiated. They may recognize a wish to be able to exist as an individual and yet not do so. In other words, in twins, people can see the possibility of eliminating the pain and loneliness of individuality while still remaining individual. This potential may explain the world’s fascination with twins. Even twins themselves feel this fascination.

An identical twin told me the following story. She was in a beauty shop where she saw a set of identical twins sitting side-by-side under the hairdryers talking to each other. She watched them with fascination and had the thought, “I wonder what that feels like.” Then she remembered that she was an identical twin. What she felt was the longing that all people experience to be back in a time prior to the existence of separation and loneliness, to be one with another person. Because twins shared the same womb before birth and before psychological separateness, I believe they can feel this longing infinitely more intensely than non-twins.

One of the most widely circulated photos in the last few years tenderly demonstrates that the twin bond is formed in the womb. A 1995 article in the Worcester Gazette (Mass.) entitled “The Rescuing Hug,”* described twins born prematurely and put in separate incubators, a standard practice. Three weeks after birth one of the twins was in critical condition; the nurses were unable to stabilize her and feared she would die. With the parents’ consent, they put the twins together in one incubator. The healthy twin snuggled up to the sick twin and wrapped her tiny arm around her sister. Within minutes the sick twin’s blood oxygen rates were the best they had been since she was born.

How these–or any twins–move from a “we” position to an “I” position is a primary task of childhood and sometimes adulthood. It is a difficult task for any human being, and exponentially so for twins. Through repetitive interactions with our environment, we begin to discover who we are by separating ourselves out from the rest of the world. The primary separation is from mother.

For twins and triplets, however, the process is complicated by the fact that they must learn to distinguish themselves from a constant companion. To the extent that they appear identical, the task will be that much more difficult. This process begins around 6 months of age. Parents discover that a baby who previously would let many people hold him will no longer do so. We call this “stranger anxiety” and it implies that the baby has begun to separate people, including himself, from others. Interestingly, psychological researchers have found that often between the ages of 6 and 10 months twins seem to become highly aware of each other while being averse to gazing at each other. It is as if in this time of initial separation and individuation the presence of one so similar to oneself is somehow troubling.

If parents treat twins as a unit, it can hinder the process of attaining an individual identity, even for infants. To the extent parents can experience and treat their multiples as individuals, the greater will be their children’s ability to experience themselves as individuals. The more individuated each multiple is, the more stable his or her relationship will be throughout the trials of life. Developing as an individual is not a threat to the twin bond, but contributes to the health of the twinship.

How parents help twins and triplets develop their own identities must be done on a child-by-child basis. No one answer is right for all twins. I have many stories from twins I’ve worked with in psychotherapy who describe severe trauma from being separated. I also have many stories of twins suffering trauma from not being separated. Parents must evaluate the individual situations. Regarding wearing the same clothes, sharing birthday parties, having play dates together, and so on, look at the twins as individuals and explore, with their help, what is in each one’s best interest. While we don’t necessarily accept their judgment as final, considering their wishes certainly increases the possibility of making healthy decisions for twin children.

Most of the twins I have worked with express the feeling of being a twin as a blessing, regardless of the complications involved. They point out that they have a head start on human relationships. In helping twins become healthy individuals, secure in their own identities, and able to form satisfying and fulfilling relationships with others, we teach them to balance unity and separation. Ultimately, they can enjoy being close with another person in a way that is never experienced by a non-twin and satisfies an intense longing in the human condition.

The post Am I an I or a We: Helping twins to be individuals appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Nicole peeks around her mother’s side to watch Rachel chatter with the cashier in the grocery store. While at a family gathering, Jordan quickly agrees with whatever activity Jeffrey suggests. Colleen entertains a circle of their parents’ friends while Kerry hesitantly glances at them. These children want to interact with unfamiliar people, but remain silent, even when spoken to. They may go to great lengths to avoid calling any attention to themselves, as when Jordan quietly whispers to Bryce, “Don’t sing; people will look at us.”

Twins naturally attract attention and when one twin doesn’t feel up to a bright sunny “hello,” others are quick to say, “That must be the shy one.” People automatically put labels on twins and to the parents’ dismay, they do this in front of them.

What is shyness?
Shyness is a feeling of anxiety that results in the child not responding in social situations. Although the shyness is not the complete child, it is an important part of the child’s personality. And if we minimize or contradict those feelings, we intensify the anxious feelings, which, in turn, increases the shyness. In some cases, children who are shy in public or unfamiliar settings can be less shy or even outgoing and gregarious at home and with people they know well. In these situations, there isn’t a reason for serious concern, as most of these children will overcome their shyness.

Almost all toddlers are bashful at times–some with unfamiliar people, some around peers and others with adults. About half of these children will no longer be shy by the time they are 5 or 6 years old. Of those who are, about half will have outgrown their shyness by the time they are teenagers. Although the remaining children may be shy throughout their lives, they can acquire skills and techniques to minimize their shyness.

When people say your child is shy
So how does a parent respond to comments that single out one of their twins as shy? The best response is to smile and kindly disagree with their statement. By offering a neutral option, your child receives the positive message that it is acceptable to be who he is. And when your child refuses to respond to a question by someone else? Prompt him and then go on with the conversation whether or not he responds. This gives your child an opportunity to interact if he feels comfortable, while not placing pressure on the child.

Helping your twins
“Kerry is shy,” says Sharon Murphy, Ph.D., a child psychologist in Hinsdale, Illinois, and mother of 5-year-old twin girls, “while Colleen is spontaneous, more of a risk taker. I want Kerry to feel comfortable and to know that it’s okay to be shy because that’s her temperament.” Dr. Murphy has helped Kerry by allowing her to be comfortable in her own way rather than pushing her to be like her sister. Over the past year, she has watched Kerry go from an anxious, and sometimes envious, observer to a child who is gradually joining in. Dr. Murphy feels that “Kerry needed to be ready to do that on her own,” and she understood that if she attempted to push Kerry into socializing too soon, it could have increased her anxiety.

Twins often–but not always–are in similar developmental stages and have similar needs. Therefore, it is important when you encourage your less sociable twin to maintain the spontaneity of the more outgoing twin. Having them take turns is an easy and positive routine to develop. This worked well with our now 4-year-old identical twins, Rachel and Nicole. We began to do this when, at age 3, we noticed that Rachel was speaking up quicker and participating more than Nicole. Over time, Nicole began to withdraw more, defer to Rachel’s decisions and gradually not verbalize much at all, especially in unfamiliar situations.

Our response was to alternate asking questions of the girls, and when activity was required, alternate who went first. We did this for questions and activities, such as choosing a book to read or being first to brush her teeth. Initially, Nicole gave the same response as Rachel or changed her answer to correspond with Rachel’s. However, she gradually began to answer with her own ideas and desires, and to volunteer to be first. We extended this approach to situations outside the home. Taking turns was pivotal in helping our cautious twin to feel comfortable with expression and participation. By being patient and understanding of any initial hesitation, her self-esteem and confidence increased.

It’s important for parents to show they love and accept their child for who he is, not because they expect him to be outgoing. It is also important to encourage each twin to be proud of the other’s successes. Parents should praise small attempts as enthusiastically as accomplishments. Joe and Sharon Gaston, of Austin, Texas, feel that each of their twins, Jeffrey and Jordan, “has his own strengths. When we see Jordan beginning to withdraw or to allow Jeffrey to dominate the situation, we help them by redirecting their activities to an area in which Jordan excels.”

Time for concern
In this society, shy people are perceived negatively; there is more approval for being bold and outgoing. At times, most children experience shyness, but some children experience it to a debilitating degree.

A naturally timid child may have less frequent social interaction and, consequently, less opportunity to acquire social skills, which leads to a shy response style. Overall, these children have fewer friends, avoid being in the spotlight and are more likely to feel lonely and to have low self-esteem. Parents, siblings or others can amplify this by teasing or criticizing the child. Sensitive children with a poor self-image find it easier to withdraw, avoiding situations and people who cause discomfort.

You should be concerned, if by age 4, your child’s shyness prevents her from venturing away from your side, playing with friends, or participating in preschool lessons. By the late elementary years, this withdrawal reflex can become deeply ingrained. Physical symptoms (stomachache or headache) are classic features of shyness or social anxiety. If these types of symptoms develop, consult a psychologist who specializes in working with children and families. Be supportive of your children’s temperament. Always show respect and sensitivity to their needs. Stop worrying about your children’s personal style and say “I love you” often. By ending on a success, you’ll help your children stay enthusiastic and become self-confident.

Brenda A. Henderson, Ph.D., of Chicago, Illinois, is a pediatric clinical psychologist and mother of identical twin girls born in April 1995.

The post When One Twin is Shy appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

It is either your aide or your adversary and its pressure is more pronounced when you are a parent of multiples. So allow me to share a bit of advice on how to keep this relationship pleasant and productive. You might call this “The Quadfather’s Five Suggestions for Time Management and Multi-Parenting Success.”

#1:  Know Yourselves and Your Family

Regardless of your family size and structure, it is imperative to determine your personal strengths and weaknesses. Discover likes, dislikes, passions, and giftings. 

For instance, my wife Pam and I have known for years that in terms of personality and motivations we are polar opposites. She is goal-oriented, organized and assertive. I am more relationally motivated, creative and persuasive. On the other hand, you might say I am friendly, disorganized and long-winded. Still, we have learned over a decade, or almost two, that my weaknesses are her strengths and visa versa. When we relate well we minimize our vulnerabilities and blind spots. Taking on the tasks that fit us the best makes the most sense.

Knowing yourself, your spouse and your best mix together is vital. It makes your efforts more focused and effective. It saves time and limits frustrations. Unrealistic expectations of each other will sink your best intentions every time–and we are talking about your precious time.

#2: Understand Roles and Boundaries

Maintain and establish a healthy family boundary. Various people for various reasons will want access and input into your love and care of the double blessings, triple wonders, quality quads and so on. Advice will be like weeds in your neighbor’s lawn but real help will be as rare and welcome as rain in the desert.

The time-challenged life of a multi-family needs as little extra drama and relational drains as possible. Parents, in-laws, siblings, and friends can be invaluable and provide much-needed relief and support. Alternatively, they can be vicariously attached, jealous, co-dependent and distracting.

One good friend explained it to me like this. Your family is like a large train. You make set stops and set departures. Your regular riders depend on this. If someone wants to be on your train, they need to be on your schedule with a ticket you issued. This keeps the train riding smoothly and its’ passengers happy and on time.

#3: Schedule, Schedule, Schedule!

One word…schedule! If there is one thing (besides faith, grace, and mercy) that has kept our household manageable, it has been the fact that we have a schedule. With multiples, you will either have organized logistics or you will have chaotic crisis management and thankfully – you get to choose. The organized thing is better to trust me.

Start this from day one. All of the feedings, changing, napping and visiting need to take place on a time structure. My belief is that multiples respond to this better than singletons.

When we are raising multiples we are raising individuals, but much of the dynamics and interactions will occur with a group inclination. I believe that you can harness this behavior tendency to everyone’s advantage by early schedule introduction and constant reinforcement. They can be a group cyclone or a troupe that knows the drills. Now you guess which one most folks prefer to sit near at a restaurant.

There is no need to be neurotic in this pursuit but I can assure you as the unforeseen arises, your schedule will allow you to bend and adapt. Without it, you scramble to stay ahead and might even miss your own train.

#4: Make Time for Your Relationship and Yourself

And I do love fours, with all the commotion, planning and boundary protecting carve out time for yourself and your spouse. This may seem hard but be realistic, like us you may go for a year or more with just one afternoon. Make it count.

That one good friend always came to our house every Wednesday at 9:00 AM. She would be there until 4:30 PM. During that time, we sometimes shopped, napped, had lunch or talked in the park. Other times we might rent a boat, find a nice cove, sit in the sun and just hang loose.

Even if you are a single parent, make time for you. I cannot overstress how much this will help when someone opens a pudding cup and your double dreamboats practice body painting just before its time to go pick up the oldest from school. Make regular time deposits in the bank of personal mental health and relational renewals.

Multi-parenting can drain this account dry if you do not take that time for you. Embrace the seasons! No matter where you stand in relation to faith listen to the Wisdom of Solomon “to everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:” Even if you define heaven as “only stars” you need to know your seasons.

#5:  Be Flexible and Embrace Change

Shorts in wintertime and long sleeves in summer are nearly always poor choices. Seasons change so do circumstances and people. Look around and look ahead. Potty training may be kicking your butt, but one day they might be changing your diaper. Embrace the best of where you are today, even if the best may be simply getting to tomorrow because tomorrow will come and it will not be the same as today.

I hope my list has not left some of you disappointed as you might be seeking well-seasoned tricks or amazing magic formulas. As you sort through these “suggestions”, it is my hope you take away this bit of insight, no matter the number of kids you have. Regardless of the number of recourses and abilities you possess. It is the health of the relationships involved and the space you create around them that will matter the most.

These are what will most influence you, your kids and those around you. These are what will set the stage for your children’s, children’s childhoods, parenting styles, and prayerful success. Just in case, you have been wondering, these are a huge part of what has kept our train running and Pam and I feeling like we are heading somewhere wonderful.

Mike Poff is a 40 something stay-at-home father who lives in the Appalachian Mountain Town of Big Island, Va. Mike’s wife, Pam, owns a case management firm that operates in four states in the Mid Atlantic region. Before defining his role as a domestic dad, Mike was a news reporter, disc jockey, copywriter and production manager. He is perpetually working on his Masters of Theology in his abundant spare time. He and Pam have seven children ranging from 15 down to 17 months including their quad kiddos who are now six.

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