Twins and then some

As all twin parents know, this isn’t a walk in the park. This twin parenting stuff requires prowess, strength, resilience and a good sense of humour. For some of us though, there’s an additional spike in the daily workload and pressure of life. Bringing twins into a house with other kids is not for the faint-hearted. It’s a phenomenally challenging job, one that requires planning, compromise and on many days, a simple smile and graceful acceptance of defeat.

I hope this provides some practical, achievable tips for coping with the extra pressure the school year brings.

New term, new promises, new realities

As the leaves turn golden and the nights grow cooler, the new school year offers the annual promise of new beginnings and hope to parents. This is the year we won’t miss a beat, we’ll make school on time every day, we’ll never forget a pack up, a trip or a test. They’ll be tumble free, drama free, without angst or fear. We will greet our happy, confident, curious kids every day and hear their bright and brilliant stories of the adventures school brings. And most importantly, we will meet all their needs. They won’t be compromised by the addition of twins. They won’t resent the time the twins take up but instead see the joy in every step of this journey.

Yeah. Good luck with that. As Halloween approaches, for many of us moms of multiples, the wheels are already falling off of that rosy outlook. Last night it took all my strength to smile as I was trying to help my 9-year-old with his mental arithmetic homework. Dusting off my rusty old brain cells was a sizeable enough task. Throw in bouncing a baby on one knee, using the other leg to keep another from eating the biscuits in the dog bowl and trying to show appropriate praise for my 5-year-old daughters homespun (and incredibly loud) production of The Greatest Showman… well, come on. Seriously. Is this for real?

Somehow as ever, we all survived. Despite some slight friction and debate, in the end, each child got from their A to their B. Everyone was fed, washed and snuggled up in bed. Albeit some more compromised than others.

So today we regroup. We revisit some of the self-taught mantras that help in times of stress. We accept that we must have rough with the smooth. We remember that we are warriors. We were given this job because we can champion it. We remember that with a little planning and thought, we can show them all our affection. Most of all we remember that love will out.

If you wake some days with a faint fear of what lies ahead, try some of these simple coping techniques.

Here are 7 tips for coping with school and twins

1. Schedule a 30-minute end of day prep time

At the end of every day, no matter how bad that last shift went, you need to reboot and get organised for tomorrow. Give yourself every head start possible for the following day.

 Make sure you have their timetables and homework schedules on the fridge. Check what kit, homework and ‘stuff’ you’re meant to have lined up by the front door.
 Make any packed lunches before bed.
 Get your own clothes out for the next day. You can calmly control your decisions when everyone has gone to bed. Getting your head around a simple thing like what to wear can make a huge difference in your confidence and starting attitude for the day.

 Lay their clothes by their doors and get each child their own hook in the hallway, making sure their hats, shoes, bags are ready to scoop up as you leave.
 Check and reload your baby bag. Get baby clothes, nappies, any baby equipment ready to go with the older children’s gear.

Don’t take more than 30 minutes over this. You can do it. Tidy, organise, prepare and then stop.

2. Give yourself permission

Give yourself permission to take some smart shortcuts. You will be forgiven for cheating on the home-made bread, cakes and flapjacks for a while. You can punch in name labels rather than sew. You can skip sending your donations to the cake bake this term. You can lean on friends for a lift to school.

Give yourself permission to be less than perfect for a while, to take a helping hand and to opt out from things from time to time.

3. Spot gaps and make changes

If you step back and take a practical, dispassionate look at the separate processes in your day, it’ll be easier to see those that are working and those that need improvement. Remove the emotion from the equation and work out all the processes involved in getting from the start of the day to the end. This may include the school run, feeding the babies, taking the dog out, running the grocery errands, picking up from school, running to clubs etc. We all have our ways of getting things done, some of which will be working well, some which are barely functioning and some which just go to pot every day.

Take a solution-based approach and work out how to plug the gaps. Nothing needs to be permanent because let’s face it, once you’ve got it nailed, a logistic will change, a club will be added to the list or a child will U-turn on you for no expected reason. However, think about the here and now and what you need to do to make each process function best.

Do you have friends with teenage children who could help you with a homework buddy system for an hour a day, or mind one child while you run another to a club? Can you throw your dog on a neighbour’s dog walk for a little while or take the stroller with you for the dog walks? Can you get a friend to do pick up on allotted days? Can you swap dinner times with a friend so that you both gain from a child-free window when your schedule needs it?

Try it, make a few tweaks so that you can even out the load and operate more efficiently.

4. Create daily 1 on 1 time

It’s a fact you are acutely aware of, but every child in the mix needs you, and they need you in different ways. It’s easy to focus on those who shout the loudest, taking the path of least resistance and getting by in whatever way you can. But if you make a promise to give each of the big ones just 10 or 15 minutes before bed, you can rest easy that you’re giving them real quality you time.

Ask them what the best part of the day was. Ask them what tomorrow is going to bring and what they look forward to. Allow them to release the harder parts of every day before bed and recap on what makes life interesting and inspiring.

They won’t clock the time you spend but they’ll find comfort in the consistency of you always saving a little bit of energy and space for them.

5. Don’t throw money (or sugar) at it

It’s easy to feel sorry for the big ones, to get a sense that you are not playing enough, not listening enough, not interesting or even awake enough. But don’t let the guilt lead you to an unhealthy place where you take shortcuts to show you care. You are a good parent; you can make time and you do care. Don’t feel the need to throw more toys or sugary treats to maintain the love, affection and favour of your children.

Kids are resilient. Be consistent and keep good strong values or you’ll spoil them and need to honour this exchange and materialism for a (very) long time.

6. Don’t compare yourselves to others

Everyone else’s lives seem simpler right now. Do not make comparisons, it’ll crush you! You need to get focused on your own shizzle and leave the other parents to it.

I’ve often made the mistake of reading the banter on the school mom group chat and feeling bad about myself. Parents with fewer children have more time to review and debate the issues surrounding their children. They can chit-chat (seemingly endlessly!) about what to put in the school snacks, what to wear on the trips and compare notes on reading levels.

Don’t get sucked into the detail or you’ll end up resenting their space and forcing yourself into a low ebb. Parenting twins is what it is. It’s busy, it’s hard, but it’s also brilliant and rewarding. Just keep afloat and don’t listen to any external chat that can take you off you’re A-game.

7. Pause, smile and reflect

Above all else, take a moment every day to smile about your beautiful brood. Think about the funny things they said and the little quirks they have that make them special. Most people haven’t got a clue about how tough a gig this is. But don’t forget that soon, these bonkers, crazy, muddled up, messed up days will become the ‘the good old days – the moments you struggle to recall a bunch of years from now. One day our hearts will ache to be this important, this busy and this loved.

Remember to reflect and save a little praise for yourself. You are doing a great job. You are a champion. Keep at it tiger, tomorrow is and always will be another fresh day.

About the Author

[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’]https://twinsmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/icon.jpg[/author_image] [author_info]Laura O’Shaughnessy is a mother of four, including one-year-old twin girls. She writes about family, food, society, and life. She lives with her family and faithful sheepdog in Yorkshire, England. https://lauraoshaughnessy.wordpress.com/[/author_info] [/author]

The post Tips for coping with twin babies and school-age siblings appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

As an adult, I consider myself very lucky to have an identical twin sister. Now that we both have our own children, we often talk about the wonderful childhood memories we share—along with a few of the twin-related struggles we wish could be erased. It would be amazing if we could simply press the rewind button on a magical remote control and re-record some past events.

Yet, the reality is that we all have some life lessons to uncover, and that includes twins. In fact, it has taken my twin and me years to learn and then to convey one message: Even though we are a fabulous duo, we are also amazing individuals who must only fulfill the expectations we have for ourselves. I have also become my sister’s number-one fan, encouraging her acting and singing pursuits while she supports my many writing endeavors.

I know—being the twin that I am—I should think twice before giving any advice. Yet if parents of twins benefit by having as much information and guidance as they can muster, who better to share with them unique insights than me, a twin?

Each twin—like every child—needs to feel that she is a special individual. Many times my sister and I were referred to as “the twins,” by well-meaning people in our lives, instead of by our separate names. After a while, we began to feel like one entity, as if we were a pair of shoes, barely distinguishable (except one of us was the left, and the other, the right.) We gently reminded everyone what our names were and responded once we were called by them. Even if twins look similar and have shared interests, it’s vital to nurture each twin’s persona—her strengths, aspirations and talents.

The key to mastering this philosophy is to keep the doors—double doors—of communication open. Parents should schedule alone-time or “special” time for doing an activity of each twin’s choice—even if it’s just to have a conversation. Then when situations arise that twins have trouble handling, they’re more likely to feel comfortable discussing them with adults, parents especially.

Validate each twin’s feelings, even if you don’t understand them. After all, it’s difficult for singletons to understand what it’s like to live as a twin. Having family discussions with all children is a key ingredient in many successful families. Twins, in particular, may need to discuss unique issues such as whether or not they want to dress alike. This is a topic so many parents of twins wonder about; in fact, the ones whom I’ve met have always asked me about it. The answer, to me, is to ask the twins about their feelings once they are old enough. Some toddlers know at an early age what their preferences are. They may even want to dress alike at times and differently at others. This can change as they grow.

For example, my twin and I loved dressing alike as toddlers all the way through sixth grade. Then, when our family moved from the Bronx to the suburbs, we changed our minds. Starting at a new school was difficult enough without peers saying we looked like “The Bobsey Twins.” Students and teachers had been comparing us so much we were compelled to express our individuality. One way of doing this was through our attire.

For the first time, we purchased single clothing items and the doubles that we already had in our closets were worn on different days by each of us. We told our parents about this and asked them to encourage our relatives, who bought us gifts, to honor this request as well.

Adults can help prepare twins and family members for situations they encounter—and model possible responses. I know for my sister and me this would have been extremely helpful in dealing with the insensitive comparisons made—and the ridiculous questions onlookers often ask.

Additionally, our younger sister, who felt “left out” because nobody ever made a “big deal” about her, would also have benefited from these discussions. My twin and I often explained to our younger sister that we didn’t like the constant attention we received—however positive people might have intended it to be—because it often led to onlookers asking or commenting which of us was “nicer,” “prettier,” or “smarter.”

Sly sarcasm, devilish grins

Until we learned how to respond, we usually remained silent, often feeling badly for the twin relegated to second place. As we grew, we learned appropriate responses to these unfair critiques. We used light sarcasm and laughter as powerful tools. When asked which of us was prettier, I might say, “Oh, my sister, of course. She’s gorgeous and I look just like her.”

Or, to the question: “Which one of you is nicer?” I have responded, “Neither of us; we’re both double trouble.” A big grin usually sealed the response nicely.

Each set of twins is a one-of-a-kind partnership. No two sets of kids are really alike. People often generalize about twins because they know one set and think everybody else is the same, but it’s just not true.

Decisions about children, including twins, are specific to every family’s situation. When parents of twins ask me questions about whether or not their twins should be placed in the same class, or be allowed to wear a ring or pierced earrings to differentiate one from the other, the best answer I can give them is that “It’s a personal choice,” based on the circumstances unique to their twins’ relationship.

I always like to assure parents that if they make mistakes—like all parents do—they can make adjustments later and move forward. For example, twins in one of my children’s classes were separated during first grade at the school’s recommendation. For second grade, however, the twins’ parents, based on feedback from their kids, requested that the school place them in the same second grade class.

Although my twin sister lives in a different state, I share an indescribable bond with her. When our children—her three girls and my two boys—are together, it’s as if we are one family. It was like this from the moment our children met. As adults, we remain similar in the ways we dress and our food preferences. We often buy each other identical items, and our families spend holidays and summer vacations together.

Now when we get together, we relish onlookers’ attention and hope one day to do commercials or pursue other twin-related endeavors. We may use the same pitch we used when pursuing our babysitting careers at age 12: “Two for the price of one.”

The post Tales from Twins: Twin Advice appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

When our twin daughters were 3, my husband, Alan and I thought that each might try spending time with each girl individually.  So one Saturday morning, I announced “Today, Michaela gets to have special time with Mommy and Talia’s going to have special time with Daddy.  Won’t that be fun?

Both girls burst into tears.  “I want to be with my sister,” they sobbed in unison.  Alan and I exchanged worried looks, but after explaining to the kids that we’d all be back together soon, I picked up Michaela, gave Talia a hug, and went out the door.  As soon as we go into the car, Michaela’s tears topped.  By the time we had pulled out of the driveway, she was 3 weeks old and came home from the hospital ahead of her smaller sister, she had my undivided attention.  And for me, though I love both my daughters clearly, going out with just one was amazingly peaceful.

Individual time, when each child spends time alone with one parent, quickly became a favorite family activity.  And we’re not alone.  “It’s so easy with one child,” says Jennifer Stone, mother of 4-year-oild Eric and Elise.  “You can really focus on what they’re interested in.”  “There is no fighting!” adds Karen Franks, whose twins, Elisabeth and David, are 5-years-old.

Who has the time?

Many experts stress the importance of encouraging multiples’ individual development and spending time with each child one on one can be an important factor.  As Jan R Hirschmann writes in “In Search of Self” in The Twinship Sourcebook, “While respecting the unique bond that is inherent in the twinship, parents of twins can provide opportunities where each child can grow as an individual.”

Yet harried parents ask, “How can I make time to be alone with each twin?  I can’t manage all I have to do now!”  Or, “How can I do that?  My twins can’t stand to be separated.”  It was hard at first, admits Jennifer Stone.  “They would always want the other twin along,” when a separate outing was proposed.  Stone found that initially, if both twins couldn’t go, they would often choose to stay home rather than be apart.

In their article, “Encouraging Individuality in Twins,” authors Patricia Malmstrom and Elinor Davis note that, “If providing outings for one at a time imposes a great financial or logistical hardship on the family, try something simpler, like a five minute special talk-time with each child every morning, or at bedtime.”

Rockney Walters, father of 17-year-old identical twins, Lauren and Christi, remembers that he and his wife “would regularly read independently with the girls.”  Especially when the twins were little, arranging those few minutes of one-on-one time was all the Walters could manage.  “It was just survival,” he sighs.  As his daughters got a little older, Walters says, “Going for ice cream, even running to the hardware store, any reason for leaving the house, I would have one girl ride with me.”

Walters also notes, “Our girls really liked each other,” and as teenagers, they still choose many of the same activities and shared my friends.  “But they’ve really appreciated time alone with their parents.  The communication channel is much less noisy.”

Building self-esteem

Malmstrom and Davis write that, “Short periods away from a co-twin give each twin the opportunity to interact directly with an adult or other child, without help, interference or competition from each other.  Such experiences can be helpful for the development of language and a sense of individual social competence.”

Victoria Hilkevitch Bedford, associate professor in the department of psychology at the University of Indianapolis, and an identical twin, says she remembers one occasion when she was 5 or 6 years old, her uncle and one of her older cousins took her to the theater all by herself.  “It was one of the happiest experiences in my life,” she says “being the only child, the center of attention.”

Bedford explains that multiples get a lot of special attention just for being multiples.  She and her sister were “constantly oohed and aahed over” as children.  But, she says, that type of attention does nothing to build self-esteem.  “I didn’t earn it,” she emphasizes, adding that when twins spend all their time together, “they don’t really get the chance to find out the response they get just for being.”

Support separate and similar interests

As multiples grow, some may choose separate activities, and parents can help their children to learn that it’s okay to do things without their twins.  Karen Franks says that her daughter Elisabeth takes gymnastics lessons, while David is about to begin a karate class.  During Elisabeth’s sessions at the gym, Franks and her son share a snack and take the opportunity to spend some time together.

Bedford cautions that many twins naturally gravitate to the same pursuits, and parents must walk a fine line in encouraging differences.  Although, Bedford’s parents didn’t emphasize one-on-one time with her or her sister, she says, “My mother went overboard in encouraging separate interests,” labeling her the scientist and her sister the artist.  “When I finally took an art class and loved it, I didn’t tell anyone,” Bedford laughs.

Special together, special apart

Sometimes, unique family circumstances can create memorable opportunities for individual time.  When Franks and her family moved back to the Midwest after spending a year in Connecticut, they had two cars to move.  Franks drove with Elisabeth, while her husband traveled with David and their older daughter.

“Elisabeth got to live out her lifelong fantasy of being an only child!” her mother remarks.  When she and Elisabeth stopped for lunch en route, her daughter looked around and said, “No one here knows I have a twin brother,” Franks says, “She felt she was in disguise as a singleton.”

In a recent conversation, I asked my daughters to explain why they enjoy individual time.  Michaela immediately answered, “We learn things that the other doesn’t know, so we can teach each other.”  Talia agreed and then paused thoughtfully before giving her own reply, “We learn to be separate.” While multiples enjoy a unique bond, ultimately their special relationship becomes even stronger when their parents help them learn to be both together and apart.

Carolyn B Heller of Cambridge, Massachusetts, is a freelance writer and the mother of twin girls.

The post The Center of Attention: Enjoying One-on-One Time with Each Twin appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Why is everyone so interested in “Baby’s” name?  Because it gives him an identity, almost a personality, answers those who have studied the phenomenon. “Every name sends out signals,” says Linda Rosenkrantz and Pamela Redmond Satran, authors of the book, Beyond Jennifer and Jason: An Enlightened Guide to Naming Your Baby.  “It transmits messages and reverberations of its own: a level of energy and intensity of color and sheen, a texture.”

Although it is often difficult to come up with a name for one baby, let alone two, three or more, the following are some basic questions expectant parents choosing multiple monikers are best advised to ask themselves.

Is each easy to pronounce?  Since your children’s names will be spoken many times over their lifetimes, try not to saddle any of them with a tongue-twister.  Catch potential problems with pronunciation by repeating the name aloud several times in succession.  Practice with and without the middle name.  Zane Noble, for example, looks great in writing but when spoken, the repeating “n” sounds can fuse into something sounding like Zane Oble.  If the speaker tried to pronounce each “n” separately, the name might then sound like Zana Noble.

Does each have a pleasing rhythm?  While practicing a name for pronunciation, also note the rhythmic quality.  Does the name roll off your tongue like a melody or do you prefer it to sound more “sing-along”, as in the name “Mary Jane Rein?”

Do the initials spell F.A.T.? Children can be charming, kind and innocent.  They can also be thoughtlessly cruel.  Historically, a school-age “game” many children play is inspecting each other’s initials for dirty words or unflattering names, then taunting their owners.  Think of the fun they’d have with Patrick Edward Eubanks, Frances Alice Tatman or Bradly Michael Wright?  You can’t outsmart a child, but you can do your best to think like one.  Examine the initials of a name in every combination of first, middle and last.  Watch not only for words but also abbreviated sentences formed by letters that sound like words (a, b, c, I, m, n, p, r, u), Ida May Butts might not be happy with her initials when she goes to school.

Is the spelling of each unusual?  Rosenkrantz and Satran advise against deviating the spelling or pronunciation of a common name.  For instance, you should think twice about changing the spelling of Cindy to Cyndi because of the potential confusion involved.  Also, don’t expect others to pronounce Maria with a long “I”, no matter how clearly you explain it on a kindergarten form.  Both Cyndi and Maria can expect to spend the rest of their lives correcting other people’s attempts at pronouncing and spelling their names.

There are many considerations when choosing names for your multiples.  Some are more important than others, but more parents will agree that the following hint offered by Bill Cosby in his book, Fatherhood, is one to pay attention to:  “Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry…”

SPECIAL DO’S AND DON’TS FOR NAMING MULTIPLES

Don’t Rhyme.  Resist the temptation to choose rhyming names.  Twenty-two-year-old Karla remembers the confusion caused by her sister’s rhyming name.  “At school, classmates and teachers would sometimes call me Marla, my sister’s name.  That really bothered me.  The only reason people were confused was because of our names.  I mean, I had short brown hair and Marla’s hair was long and blonde—we were totally different.”

Don’t Make A “Precious Pair”.  To foster the individuality of your multiples, avoid the temptation to give them names that make it easy for others to lump them into a category; it will be hard enough to keep them from calling your children “the twins”.  Naming your girls Heather and Daisy, for example, may forever brand them “the flower girls.”

Don’t Fall Into the Same-Initial Trap.  If you cannot resist using same-initial first names, make sure the middle initials are different.  There is too much potential for the mix-up of records and other information when there are two J.A. Smiths that went to the same school, have the same parents, same address, same birthday, etc.

Don’t Forget Nicknames.  We live in a society that loves to shorten names into nicknames.  Be sure to consider all possible nicknames.  Will it sound like fingernails scratching a chalkboard to you when your daughter, Elizabeth, is called Liz, Betsy or Libby by her friends?

Also, avoid choosing names for your multiples that have the same nickname.  Pairings such as Robert and Roberta, or Christine and Christopher, offer the potential for mix-ups—some of them embarrassing.  For example, does Gerald or Geraldine get to open a letter “To Gerry” marked “SWAK”?

Do Maintain Consistency of Style and Tone.  Names can be grouped into categories such as contemporary, classic, artistic, attractive and studious.  Rosenkrantz and Satran recommend selecting family names out of one category or another.  Keep in mind that some names such as Brittany, sound contemporary, while others, such as Pearl, have an old-fashioned ring to them.

Do Choose Several Names for Each Sex.  The ultrasound technician says, “Congrats!  You are going to have twin girls.”  Does that mean you can totally concentrate on names for girls?  No way!  These tests are not always 100 percent accurate in predicting babies’ sexes.  Furthermore, there have been cases of a third baby remaining undetected by an ultrasound.  Your best bet would be to have an extra name or two for each sex—just in case.

Ruby Coats Mosher, D.V.M., of Emporia, Kansas, is a veterinarian and mother of fraternal twins.

The post Before You Name Them, Read This! appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Try your best to imagine experiencing almost every moment in life with another person who is the same age, has the same number of siblings and parents, has the same last name, lives in your house, goes to the same school, has the same teacher, and goes through life on the same waking, eating, playing, bathing, and sleeping schedule as you. That is how many twins go through their early years of life. 

The individuation process that every young child experiences is complicated for twins – they not only have to learn to separate from their parents, they also have to learn to separate from their twin sibling, to whom they are so deeply connected from birth. Parents can impede the process by raising them into existence as a pair of children instead of as two single children. Research suggests that twins who were treated as a solitary unit by their parents had more difficulty forming their individual identities than twins who were treated more distinctly.

It could be argued that parents of twins generally have a more challenging early parenting experience than parents of singletons. There are countless considerations a parent of twins has to make that her parenting peers who have singleton children never face, like spoon-feeding two hungry babies at the same time, maneuvering a double stroller through the super-market, or (brace yourself) having to choose which child’s college graduation to attend when both twins’ college graduations occur on the same weekend in different cities.

So what could a parent of twins possibly learn from a parent of singletons? At least one very important thing: how to raise a singleton — well, at least how to make our twin children’s experiences more like that of their singleton peers.

Yes, by making some easy adjustments, we parents can help our twin children feel more like unique individuals and less like a mere half of a pair.

In that spirit, I compiled these top 6 tips for encouraging individuality.

1)  RETHINK THE RHYMES

Let’s face it: it’s cute and it’s fun to name your twin children Will and Jill or to use alliteration and call them Beverly and Bella. When we do this, however, we reinforce the notion that they are each part of a set as opposed to two separate individuals. If you have already chosen such names, perhaps you can give at least one of them a nickname –a nickname that doesn’t rhyme with the other child’s name, for heaven’s sake!  Related side note: always refer to your children by their names rather than referring to them as “the twins.” And take the time to encourage relatives and friends to respect and follow your lead here.  The rule is important whether your children are within earshot or not. It’s critical that you and other essential people in their lives develop the habit of talking about them and thinking of them as individuals.

2)  DRESS THEM DIFFERENTLY

Again, the cuteness factor reigns here: who doesn’t love the attention one receives when she’s walking her twins down the street and they are wearing the same exact outfit, down to the color and brand of shoe? It’s undeniably adorable to see little twins dressed alike. Still, by doing so, you are unintentionally sending the message to them and the world that they are simply two peas in a pod. Two perfectly identical peas in a pod. But your children are not uniform vegetables; they are exceptional animate beings with distinguishing personalities and traits. If you simply cannot resist putting them in the same outfit for a photo, allow yourself some slack and take the darn photo. But most of your photos should instead help to celebrate them as the extraordinary individuals that they are.  When your twins are old enough, encourage them to pick out their own clothes. They may choose to match each other at times, but believe me, there will be times when they want to look nothing like one another.

3)  DON’T FORCE THEM TO SHARE

When we were little, we were taught to share. So when our kids are young, we instinctively tell them they have to share. Sharing is an important skill that young children must develop in order to succeed socially.

BUT, your twins will be asked to share exponentially more times than the average singleton child for the simple reason that twins generally have more opportunities to share by virtue of playing in the same room together for most of their waking hours. And even though one of your twin children will almost always be playing with her twin sibling, she shouldn’t always be forced to share. In fact, she should have things that are hers and hers alone — things over which she can rightfully assert jurisdiction. Having one’s own things is essential to helping a child develop her sense of self, which is critical for a child who is a twin.

If it’s possible financially and logistically to put the twin children in separate rooms, do so to allow each of them to claim her own space. If two separate rooms are not available, try to give each child her own space in the twins’ shared room (or in another room). Allow the child to decorate and organize the space as she wishes and support her efforts to ‘protect’ the space from unwanted intrusion by siblings.

4)  (REALLY) LEARN WHO EACH ONE IS

Relate to, and converse with, your children individually. When your twin children are young, ask them questions about what they like and don’t like so that you can learn early on what makes each child tick. Learn (and don’t forget!) which child likes which food and which colors and which songs. When you’re alone with one of your children, tell him what you’ve observed about him – tell him which wonderful and distinct attributes about him make you the most proud.

5)  MAKE TIME FOR ONE-ON-ONE INTERACTION

In order to really discover each child, you will need alone time with her during which she can feel comfortable to confide in you, without commentary or judgment from another family member. Engaging in separate activities with each child will further help bond you to each child as well as help the child feel special and unique. 

Many adult twins will tell you that they cannot recall sitting down for one meal with a parent without their twin sibling present. Take your young twin child to her favorite restaurant alone, just the two of you. You’ll be amazed at how happy this will make her — and you’ll be amazed at how much she’ll open up and share!

It’s also important for others in your twins’ lives to have one-on-one time. If there are other non-twin children in the family, coordinate times for each twin to have separate time with the non-twin sibling(s). If you can arrange for your twins to have alone-time with grandparents, aunts, cousins, etc., all the better! This will help your relatives discover what’s particular and enchanting about each child and this will help your twin children feel more like individuals. And don’t forget to schedule different play dates for your children with different friends. It makes sense that two different kids might get along (or not get along) with different peers, right?

6)  BIRTHDAY PARTIES SHOULD BE TAILORED FOR EACH TWIN         

It’s conceivable that a twin child might feel shortchanged by having to share his birthday party every year. Discuss having separate birthday parties with each child in private. If one child wishes to celebrate separately, honor that wish and consider representing the decision for separate birthday parties as one you alone have made. 

If you are welcoming birthday gifts for your twin children, gently guide relatives and friends as to the differing gift wish lists of each child. If your children are given identical gifts, separate your children or have them sit back-to-back when opening them. This way, each child can experience the joy and surprise of discovering the new gift without having it ruined by witnessing his twin sibling’s reaction upon unwrapping. 

If your twins decide to share their birthday party, there are simple ways to make your twins’ birthday feel more special for each child: make a personalized toast to each child; bake (or buy) two separate cakes (with each child’s respective favorite flavors and decorations); and sing “Happy Birthday” twice.

Whether it’s a celebration of the magical day your twins were born or a weekend full of errands and play dates, always consider that there are two children involved – two children with very distinctive needs and desires. In fact, in any situation, you may want to ask yourself, what would a parent of a singleton do…?

Dara Lovitz, Esq., lives in Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania, and is the mother of two very different twin toddlers. She is the author of the popular children’s book, Catching Falling Cradles: A Gentle Approach to Classic Rhymes, and is working on her next book:  an advice guide for parents of twins.

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As an educator who is a mother of identical twin boys, it is important my fellow educators understand best practices for children who are multiples.  In my classroom, I have had one half of a twin set and both twins together.  My experience thus far as an educator and a parent of multiples has taught me when educators focus on twins as a “we” instead of an individual “me,” they are not providing an optimal learning environment for academic and social development.  I offer five tips to help parents advocate for their multiples.

1. Know your school’s multiples classroom placement policy.

Many schools have a policy, where multiples are placed in separate classrooms.  It is best to know your school’s policy at least one year before your child enrolls in elementary school.  If your twins have not had the opportunity to have separate experiences, you can use the year prior to formal schooling to prepare them for separation.  Our children’s elementary school allows the parents to choose whether multiples are in the same classroom or not.  If you have the choice, school staff may still suggest you should separate your twins.  You have spent the most time with them and will know what is best.  Our boys were in the same classroom for preschool during the first semester, but in separate classrooms at two different schools during the second semester.  When they begin kindergarten in August, they will be enrolled in separate classrooms at the same school.  Although, my husband and I knew our boys could remain together in kindergarten, we knew it made no sense to place them back together after a successful second semester being separated in preschool.

2. Help your twin understand their classroom experience.

Even if your twins are ready for separate classrooms, they may not understand how different each of their classes might be. In her book, Emotionally Healthy Twins:  A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children, Joan A. Friedman, Ph.D, shares this script, “Life isn’t always fair or equal.  And your life will always be different from your brother’s which is what makes each of you so special.” I have found this script helpful to explain to our boys why different experiences are okay.  This script is beneficial to also share with your children’s teachers.  It might not sink in the first few times or when emotions are blocking out logic, but we had a breakthrough after our boys were in separate classes.  Jeremiah was invited to a birthday party and my husband and I were worried about James’ potential response.  He put us at ease when he said, “Kids in my class have birthdays too and I’m sure I will be invited to a party one day.” It’s to your children’s benefit to learn how to cope with experiences that differs because it will help their emotional and social development.

3. Acknowledge, but don’t compare academic milestones.  

Each child should be praised for his or her accomplishments.  When one twin has a special need or struggles with an academic subject, it will impede the child’s progress if the child believes the bar is the success of his or her twin.  When scheduling parent/teacher conferences schedule one for each child and not for your twins as a unit.  Do not allow a twin to be present at its sibling’s conference.  One of our son’s has an anxiety diagnosis.  It is important his brother is not privy to conversations about him, so he does not feel as if he is being compared.

4. Teach your children to advocate for their own individuality.

Part of navigating school as a twin is learning to develop as an individual and being known by others for what makes you, you.  When other students refer to your twins as “the twins” or “hey twin” what is being acknowledged is the fact they are siblings who have the same birthdate.  They are seen as only a unit or part of a unit and not known for who they truly are.  We have taught our boys to kindly say, “My name is Jeremiah” or “My name is James” when children do not refer to them by their names.  If it becomes a significant issue, have a conversation with the teacher to explain your concerns.

5. Visit your twins at school.

Even if you have a great relationship with the teacher, it is beneficial to observe your children at school.  This is a way to learn how your child is coping at school and if there are any concerns to address.  Both my husband and I, individually, visited our sons at preschool.  When our sons were in the same class, there was an unhealthy dynamic.  One of our sons felt it was his responsibility to parent and look after his brother.  They were not interacting with other children unless the child would play with both of them at the same time.  This prompted us to separate our boys the second semester.  Although there was another preschool class at their current school, we decided another preschool would be a better placement for our son and it was.  Because his brother was not present, he had to make his own decisions.  We learned what his true interests were; he was truly a different child.

This is not an all-inclusive list, but I have found these five tips to be beneficial when advocating for your children.

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Congratulations! Welcome to the grand adventure of twin care. If you’re anything like the rest of us parents who have given birth to multiples, it’s likely that you have little on your mind but survival-the babies and your own. You are doing everything you can to maintain a healthy pregnancy. And, you are making practical plans for organizing the household and getting the help you will need to function well in the sleepy fog that comes with the early days and weeks of baby care. As family and friends help you accomplish the practical things on your to-do list, you will begin to feel more in control. Your worries will fade a little. You will begin to believe that you really are going to have twins-or more-and to imagine what life will be like for your babies who are going to be born together.

“How will I bond with both or all of my babies at once?” you may wonder. This is a natural concern for we know that newborns need loving attention in order to thrive. The truth is you can indeed bond with two or more, but the process will be a little different from bonding with one single-born baby. Perhaps your experience won’t meet your expectations of falling equally in love with each of the babies on day one. More than likely your first bond will be with the group. In the early foggy days you will put one foot in front of the other to meet their needs. As one mother recalled, “Our life was a marathon of feeding, changing, burping, walking the floor, then starting all over again. Some days I couldn’t remember which baby had been fed and which one still needed his bath.” Gradually, through the haze of your daily routines, you will being to pick up the clues that each baby gives you about who they are and what they need. Harry may need to be walked for fifteen minutes to settle him down after every feeding. Roger, on the other hand, may fall asleep while nursing and need to have his feet tickled to keep him awake. As you respond to each of their individual needs, you and the babies will learn more about each other and your connections will deepen.

But supposing one or more of the babies has to stay in the hospital longer than the other? What then? How can you bond when your heart is stretched between the baby in the nursery at home and the one in the hospital? One dad explained, “We did our best to give each baby what he needed. We worried day and night about Andy in the hospital. We took turns visiting him and caring for Charlie at home. My mother came and helped with Charlie, too, so that Anne and I could visit Andy together sometimes. Knowing that Charlie was in good hands was a terrific relief.”

It’s true that newborns require consistent loving care, but they won’t mind if does not always come from you. Arrange for the best substitute care you can find. You will have plenty of time to get better acquainted when everyone comes home from the hospital. Remember that bonding is not a single event; it is a process. And you can take heart from the adage that “All good things take time.”

Keep in mind, too, the benefits the babies gain from their relationship. They have already bonded with each other in the womb. Research is beginning to produce evidence that newborn twins are a comfort to each other. The presence of one can even improve the other’s health. You may be able to tap this resource by arranging to bring the well baby for a visit with his or her co-twin in the hospital.

Whether or not your babies come home together or separately, the relationship between them will shape their lives right from the start. They are individuals who are born as members of a team. They will grow up with a strong relationship to the other members of their team. Their relationship bond brings with it life-enhancing possibilities which are seldom enjoyed by single-born children. Soon they will begin to light up with joy at the sight of each other. Their daily companionship during early childhood lays the foundation for lifelong comraderie. Even pairs who have a feisty relationship will come to each other’s defense when another child tries to take away a toy or a stranger is critical of one.

Their close connection also challenges common notions regarding the individuation process. Since they come into the world in a relationship with each other, they will experience and relate to you and the rest of their family both as individuals and as members of their team. They share many early experiences as a team, however, they each have their own perception of those experiences. You will soon discover that they are not the “two little bookends” one mother imagined before her girls were born.

The way parents respond to this reality affects the way multiples see themselves and it affects the way others relate to them, too. Now, before they arrive is a good time to think through the ways in which you will help yourself and others identify each child as an individual. People will have no trouble seeing the babies as a group!

An excellent place to start is with the choice of their names. As you go through the selection process keep in mind that names that are distinctly different from each other, like Susan and Jane, will help people learn who is who. Names that underscore the children’s status as multiples such as ones that begin with the same letter or sound very similar such as, Deanne and Leanne, make it difficult for others to remember which child is which.

Another arena in which you can help keep their identities straight is clothes. Dressed alike your babies will stop traffic for few can resist a peek at multiples. This attention-getting approach to their wardrobes can be fun now and then, but when practiced on a daily basis it submerges the children in their team and reduces the chances of their being treated like the individuals they are. I remember a pair of shy teenage girls who dressed alike every day. When their classmates asked why, they replied in unison, “We’re twins and twins are supposed to dress alike.” How sad for them that their devotion to twinship kept them isolated from their classmates.

All of the above may seem like abstractions until your babies are born and you experience the dynamics of their different personalities. They will quickly teach you about themselves by the ways in which they respond to you and their environment. One may be content to snuggle and sleep for long periods. Another may be wide-eyed and curious, following everything that goes on in the household. You may be surprised and amazed to find that although you are the one providing their nurture and care, they are the ones leading the way.

Patricia Malmstom, Director of Twin Services Consulting, is the co-author of The Art of Parenting Twins (Ballantine Books, 1999) and the mother of four adult children, including monozygotic “identical” twins.

Keys to developing individuality & supporting the twin relationship

• Give each baby what they need when they need it.

• Choose distinctive names.

• Dress babies differently from each other.

• Allow co-multiples to enjoy each other’s company.

• Teach respect for each other’s differences and similarities.

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As a psychologist working with twins, I have found that twins express a wide range of ideas about twinship and individuality. Some confess to believing that, separated, they are less than a whole human being, and together they are an unusually powerful human being. There is also a frequent theme of “good” twin and “evil” twin as if in their separation one became the embodiment of good and the other of evil. Some twins report a fear that parents confused their identities as newborns, and that they will never know who is really who. Some describe their twin as the other side of them. Still, others say that when they want to be by themselves it really means they want to be with their twin.

In developmental psychology and psychoanalysis, we learn that separateness and difference between self and other is a slowly evolving understanding. According to this premise, we all begin life as a whole, undifferentiated from others, knowing no demarcation of self and other. As we develop psychologically, we come to understand that we are indeed differentiated and split off from what we once were a part of.

When some people see identical twins, they may have an uneasy feeling that stems from an unconscious memory of not being fully differentiated. They may recognize a wish to be able to exist as an individual and yet not do so. In other words, in twins, people can see the possibility of eliminating the pain and loneliness of individuality while still remaining individual. This potential may explain the world’s fascination with twins. Even twins themselves feel this fascination.

An identical twin told me the following story. She was in a beauty shop where she saw a set of identical twins sitting side-by-side under the hairdryers talking to each other. She watched them with fascination and had the thought, “I wonder what that feels like.” Then she remembered that she was an identical twin. What she felt was the longing that all people experience to be back in a time prior to the existence of separation and loneliness, to be one with another person. Because twins shared the same womb before birth and before psychological separateness, I believe they can feel this longing infinitely more intensely than non-twins.

One of the most widely circulated photos in the last few years tenderly demonstrates that the twin bond is formed in the womb. A 1995 article in the Worcester Gazette (Mass.) entitled “The Rescuing Hug,”* described twins born prematurely and put in separate incubators, a standard practice. Three weeks after birth one of the twins was in critical condition; the nurses were unable to stabilize her and feared she would die. With the parents’ consent, they put the twins together in one incubator. The healthy twin snuggled up to the sick twin and wrapped her tiny arm around her sister. Within minutes the sick twin’s blood oxygen rates were the best they had been since she was born.

How these–or any twins–move from a “we” position to an “I” position is a primary task of childhood and sometimes adulthood. It is a difficult task for any human being, and exponentially so for twins. Through repetitive interactions with our environment, we begin to discover who we are by separating ourselves out from the rest of the world. The primary separation is from mother.

For twins and triplets, however, the process is complicated by the fact that they must learn to distinguish themselves from a constant companion. To the extent that they appear identical, the task will be that much more difficult. This process begins around 6 months of age. Parents discover that a baby who previously would let many people hold him will no longer do so. We call this “stranger anxiety” and it implies that the baby has begun to separate people, including himself, from others. Interestingly, psychological researchers have found that often between the ages of 6 and 10 months twins seem to become highly aware of each other while being averse to gazing at each other. It is as if in this time of initial separation and individuation the presence of one so similar to oneself is somehow troubling.

If parents treat twins as a unit, it can hinder the process of attaining an individual identity, even for infants. To the extent parents can experience and treat their multiples as individuals, the greater will be their children’s ability to experience themselves as individuals. The more individuated each multiple is, the more stable his or her relationship will be throughout the trials of life. Developing as an individual is not a threat to the twin bond, but contributes to the health of the twinship.

How parents help twins and triplets develop their own identities must be done on a child-by-child basis. No one answer is right for all twins. I have many stories from twins I’ve worked with in psychotherapy who describe severe trauma from being separated. I also have many stories of twins suffering trauma from not being separated. Parents must evaluate the individual situations. Regarding wearing the same clothes, sharing birthday parties, having play dates together, and so on, look at the twins as individuals and explore, with their help, what is in each one’s best interest. While we don’t necessarily accept their judgment as final, considering their wishes certainly increases the possibility of making healthy decisions for twin children.

Most of the twins I have worked with express the feeling of being a twin as a blessing, regardless of the complications involved. They point out that they have a head start on human relationships. In helping twins become healthy individuals, secure in their own identities, and able to form satisfying and fulfilling relationships with others, we teach them to balance unity and separation. Ultimately, they can enjoy being close with another person in a way that is never experienced by a non-twin and satisfies an intense longing in the human condition.

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