“I burst into tears when I thought I was holding one baby and then discovered that I was holding the other,” recalled Marlene Flanders. “I said to myself, ‘I’m their mother, and I can’t even tell them apart,’ I sobbed. I wondered how many times I’d had them switched.”

As Marlene and countless other parents of identical multiples know firsthand, telling identical apart can be a challenge for everyone—family, teachers, friends and multiples themselves.

“My gym teacher gets us mixed up, but I wish she’d call me by the right name,” said 10-year-old identical twin Andre Deutschlaender. Andy Nieman, 12, gets annoyed at misidentification, too. “When people at school—my teachers and friends—get us mixed up, I feel like they should know who I am,” he said. Andy and his co-twin, Adam, look alike, although they are fraternal twins.

It’s an accepted fact that not one likes to be called by the wrong name. “A name is a symbol of recognition of our identity, a mark of our sense of ourselves,” explained Susan Erbaugh, Ph.D., chief of psychology at Minneapolis Children’s Medical Center. “Our name stays with us from home to work, from childhood through adulthood. It defines our distinctiveness. Calling a child by the wrong name says, ‘I don’t know or care who you are,’ or ‘We want you to be somebody different.’”

Calling children by the wrong name also “scares kids and makes them man,” Erbaugh added. “As a child’s sense of identity is emerging, it’s upsetting when people say, in essence, that the child doesn’t have a distinct place or identity.”

Establishing a sense of self is doubly challenging for a child with a co-twin who looks just like him. Child development specialists tell parents that it’s important to help each co-twin develop a concept of herself as a distinct individual.

To aid that process, many parents have found that identification strategies can make it easier to correctly identify each twin and to avoid inadvertent mix-ups, even in the first few months of multiples’ lives. Those strategies also address an underlying fear many parents have of accidentally switching their infant twins’ identities permanently.

Marlene Flanders finally put an end to the distressing mix-ups of her twin boys by putting fingernail polish on one of baby Ryan’s toenails. Later, she had Ryan’s hair trimmed to a point in the back and Aaron’s hair squared off. Flanders takes care to call each by the correct name because, as she explained, “They correct other people, but they don’t expect their mother to blow it!”

Parents of identical twins tend to take each co-twin’s autonomy seriously. “Right from the start, I didn’t want to chance a mix-up,” said Robin Gale, whose identical girls are now 6-years-old. “My foremost through has always been that these are two children, two independent individuals. I had a jeweler make gold ID ankle bracelets inscribed with their names, and those bracelets never came off. We just expanded them as Alana and Kayla grew.

When Alana and Kayla were very young, Gale dressed them differently and always knew what outfit each was wearing. “But it was hard for my husband, so he painted fingernail polish on Kayla’s pinky fingernail,” said Gale.

Applying polish to one twin’s toenails or fingernails is an effective strategy, said parents who’ve used it. So is color-coding twin’ clothing.

“We didn’t have any plan when we brought our identical twins home from the hospital,” Karen Jenkins recalled. “So for the first two weeks we painted one of Laura’s toenails. Then we divided up all the clothes and gave Denise blues, purples and greens. Laura got pinks, yellows and reds. Now the girls (age 5) are in preschool, and the teachers really appreciate our color coding.”

Joan King, whose identical twins are now adults had an equally effective system: “I put brown shoes on Brian and black shoes on Bill…It was simple, and everybody knew who was who.”

Amy Keohane still uses a pink and purple color code to help people properly identify her 6-year-old identical twins.  Koehane noted that Jennifer and Andrea look more alike now than when they were babies.  Then, their heads were shaped differently, one had more hair, and one’s face was a little rounder.  Other parents of identical twins have also noted that as their twins grew, they came to resemble each other even more closely than they did as babies.

Parents often distinguish one child from her co-twin by differences in height and weight, face shape, shade of hair, beauty spots or birthmarks, pitch of voice, personality traits and mirror-image characteristics such an opposite handedness and cowlicks.  Dawn Stewart recalled that her infant daughter Megan had a darker complexion at birth than her identical co-twin, Lindsey.  A small scar above Lindsey’s eyebrow also served as an identity marker.

Penny Morin is grateful for the mirror-image cowlicks (which turn in opposite directions) possessed by her identical 5-year-olds, Jillian and Joleen, and for the differences in their voices.  “But from a distance, I have difficulty telling them apart until they speak,” she said.

Personal characteristics such as these can also help other people accurately identify each co-twin.  But it’s usually up to parents or the twins themselves to furnish outsiders with appropriate clues.  For example, the Morin twins’ aunt was frustrated in her attempts to tell Jillian and Joleen apart until Penny advised her to look at their cowlicks.

Most people can distinguish between identical twins if they take the time to be observant.  Andy and Adam Nieman help people identify themselves correctly by choosing different haircuts and clothing.  Robin Gale credits her twins’ nursery school teachers with paying close attention each morning to what Alana and Kayla are wearing  (they wear similar but different clothing that is not color-coded).

“But when Alana and Kayla started kindergarten,” Gale said, “I asked them if their teacher knew who was who, and they said, ‘No’ so I requested that the teachers determine which child is which each morning by observing differences in their clothing.  You can tell them apart when you pay attention, and I absolutely expect teachers to do that,” Gale said.

Many parents of identical twins wish that more people would make a point of noticing differences in clothing or features.  “Twins do get tired of being asked, ‘which one are you?’” said Karen Jenkins.

To encourage correct identification, parents can take teachers, relatives and friends aside and suggest ways to tell one twin from the other.  For example, a parent might ask to meet with a teacher privately in order to explain the family’s “system”: she could say, for example, “We’ve learned that it’s very important for twins to be identified separately and correctly, so at home we make it a point to never refer to our girls as ‘the twins’ and to always use their names.  We would really appreciate it if you would do that, too.”

Parents are advised to use discretion when clarifying distinctions between their co-twins.  It’s important not to inadvertently create comparative labels (such as “Jim is the shy one, and John is the outgoing twin”) and comparisons such as height and weight only hold up when twins are viewed together.  Color-coded clothing or a child’s individual characteristics, such as her hair style or her left handedness, are more likely to serve as effective indicators and are less likely to reinforce labeling.

Of course, identification strategies aren’t foolproof, and look-alike twins will inevitably be mistaken for one another sometimes.  It’s wise to help twins develop a coping strategy for confusion, counseled Erbaugh.  “You can let them know that you understand how hard it is to be mistaken for each other,” she said.  ‘“Doctors, lawyers and movie stars,’ you might explain, ‘want their names displayed on doors and want top billing.  They get upset if their name isn’t displayed.  When you are called your co-twin’s name, it’s like you are the star and someone has put the wrong name on the door!  That’s hard to take.’”

Parents should help their twins come up with tactful but assertive ways in which they might respond to confused teachers, classmates or even family members.  Erbaugh suggested that parents might tell each co-twin, “I know what’s special about you, and the rest of the world will, too, if we help them out a bit.”

A twin can be taught to explain to anyone who makes a mistake that he is John and not Jim, said Erbaugh.  He can also learn to furnish people with an identity clue, such as, “one way you can tell us apart is by our hair.  I part my hair on the left, and Jim parts his on the right.”

“I explained to Christopher and Andre that people make mistakes because the two of them look so much alike,” said parent Ruth Deutschlaender.  “I advise them to just say, ‘I’m Christopher’ or ‘I’m Andre’ when that happens.”

Andre said that’s exactly what he does when the occasion arises.  “You can tell us apart by our voices,” he also advised.  “We sound different.”  Penny Morin’s daughter Joleen the first-born of identical twins, got upset being called by her co-twin’s name.  So Morin capitalized on having another set of identical twins in the neighborhood to help Joleen understand why that happened.  “I asked her if she sometimes got our neighbor’s twins mixed up.  She said, ‘yes,’ so I told her, ‘That’s what happens when people mistake you for Jillian.’”

Ideally, parents and siblings function as role models by identifying and addressing each twin by name.  Parents who are conscientious about recognizing and reinforcing each twin’s identity can help twins avoid the resentment voiced by one adult at having been, “a twin, not an individual, always a part of a set rather than a complete person.”

Not all adult twins feel that way, however.  Beatrice Hawkinson and Bernice Lindberg, 71, love being twins.  About their younger days, Beatrice said, “Our last name was Gustafson,a d we both had the nickname ‘Gustie’ so we didn’t get called the wrong name.  Now, when people mistake me for Bernice, I just say, ‘Oh, I’m Beatrice, Bernice’s twin.’”

These adult identical twins feel enriched by their friendship, have never wished not to be twins, and handle identity mix-ups with a touch of humor.  “If someone I don’t know smiles at me in the grocery store, I smile back because otherwise, they’ll go and ask Beatrice why she was so stuck-up the other day,” chuckled Bernice.

A sense of humor helps twins live with the inevitable, occasional mix-up.  And yes, even moms and dads sometimes err and call one of their twins the wrong name.  Then, it’s reassuring to remember that even parents of singletons call their offspring the wrong name from time to time—and they don’t have a good excuse!

Alice M Vollmar of Minneapolis, Minnesota, is a freelance writer and the mother of six children, including boy/girl twins.

The post Who’s Who? Foolproof strategies for telling identical twins apart appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Calling old friends!  Calling old friends! Come out…Come out, wherever you are! As the mother of two singletons and 1-year-old twin boys, I created this slight “fun” variation on an old children’s game to make a serious point.  You see, I am often home alone with my twins, and fun is a word that I recently had to look up in the dictionary to recall its meaning.

I know just by writing this that I am bordering on self-pity (not to be confused with remorse) over the fact that raising four young children can be tough.  But is that why my old friends are rather invisible these days?  I often ask myself.  Are they afraid that my condition is contagious?

To put it bluntly, I’d like to know where all my friends have gone.  I seem to remember them from the not-too-distant past whooping with joy when hearing about my impending multiple births.  They were the same ones who daily called to get the “twin pregnancy update” and who promised to be that extra pair of hands when the babies arrived.

So, there I was, egotistical old me, feeling very special and flattered by all the attention.  I could not wait to deliver my babies—the only twins, by the way, ever born in the whole world!  Finally my boys entered the world amid much “ooohhing” and “aaaahing” from friends near and far.  They visited; they left; and they didn’t come back… so much for feeling special.

Excuses!  Do I get excuses!  Some of the most popular ones are: “I’ll try to come by!” “I’m so busy!” “You don’t need visitors!” “I don’t want to bother you!”

Please bother me, I think when hearing those comments.  I want to be bothered!  Yes, my hands are full; my home is crazy; and someone is crying or hungry or wet, but I still need my friends to bother me.  Now more than ever, I need the security that friendships give!

Maybe it’s a fear I have that I will never return to my pre-babies state of mind.  Granted, my life has changed, but I haven’t, I hope and I wonder how my friends perceive me?  Their absence is disturbing, if not depressing.

If I thought the fault lay with me, I would readily admit it.  But in talking to other mothers of multiples, I find the same trend.  It distresses them as much as it does me.  For some reason, our old friends consider us off limits now that our families have grown.

I realize that most people fail to understand how I cope with my topsy-turvy life.  24-hours a day of doing double diaper changes, juggling two bottles in two hungry mouths and attending to stereophonic screaming (not to mention the voices of my other children who would also appreciate some of their mother’s attention) is a tough schedule for an outsider to grasp.

I don’t lightly dismiss the fact that many of my friends have similar days with their children.  I’m not trying to outdo them on the misery index, but I have come to believe that nobody can appreciate what two babies the exact same age, running in opposite directions, can do for one’ psyche, unless they have experienced raising multiples.

Had I delivered a single baby, I would probably be a lot more mobile, running to the mall or lunching with a pal, baby in tow.  But I cannot do that comfortably.  The hassle and exhaustion of getting two babies revved up for a fun day spent strapped in a stroller and dressed in parkas when naps and meals have to be considered can be a monumental, if not impossible challenge for me to meet.  Quite honestly, I don’t really know if I can blame some of my friends who have older children for their excusing themselves from joining me on those excursions.  I’d like to stay home, too!

So I stay home often, nursing my wounds, hoping for an impromptu visit or telephone call from a buddy who just wants to get together for old times’ sake.  I love my kids, but I love my friends, too.  It seems that “never the twain shall meet!”

I think that I know what the real problem might be:  My friends are all afraid that I am going to put them to work chasing babies!  Never mind that they volunteered to be that extra pair of hands anytime I needed them.  In fact, I know just the thing that might wake them up.  If they need an invitation, so be it:

Mrs. Kitty Just requests the honor of your presence for coffee, some sympathy and general chit-chat any day of the week including evenings.  Expect several interruptions, but diaper changes unnecessary.

Regrets Only (Running Shoes Optional)!

Kitty Just has twin boys and was an active member of her local parents of multiples club for many years including serving as president.

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As a psychologist working with twins, I have found that twins express a wide range of ideas about twinship and individuality. Some confess to believing that, separated, they are less than a whole human being, and together they are an unusually powerful human being. There is also a frequent theme of “good” twin and “evil” twin as if in their separation one became the embodiment of good and the other of evil. Some twins report a fear that parents confused their identities as newborns, and that they will never know who is really who. Some describe their twin as the other side of them. Still, others say that when they want to be by themselves it really means they want to be with their twin.

In developmental psychology and psychoanalysis, we learn that separateness and difference between self and other is a slowly evolving understanding. According to this premise, we all begin life as a whole, undifferentiated from others, knowing no demarcation of self and other. As we develop psychologically, we come to understand that we are indeed differentiated and split off from what we once were a part of.

When some people see identical twins, they may have an uneasy feeling that stems from an unconscious memory of not being fully differentiated. They may recognize a wish to be able to exist as an individual and yet not do so. In other words, in twins, people can see the possibility of eliminating the pain and loneliness of individuality while still remaining individual. This potential may explain the world’s fascination with twins. Even twins themselves feel this fascination.

An identical twin told me the following story. She was in a beauty shop where she saw a set of identical twins sitting side-by-side under the hairdryers talking to each other. She watched them with fascination and had the thought, “I wonder what that feels like.” Then she remembered that she was an identical twin. What she felt was the longing that all people experience to be back in a time prior to the existence of separation and loneliness, to be one with another person. Because twins shared the same womb before birth and before psychological separateness, I believe they can feel this longing infinitely more intensely than non-twins.

One of the most widely circulated photos in the last few years tenderly demonstrates that the twin bond is formed in the womb. A 1995 article in the Worcester Gazette (Mass.) entitled “The Rescuing Hug,”* described twins born prematurely and put in separate incubators, a standard practice. Three weeks after birth one of the twins was in critical condition; the nurses were unable to stabilize her and feared she would die. With the parents’ consent, they put the twins together in one incubator. The healthy twin snuggled up to the sick twin and wrapped her tiny arm around her sister. Within minutes the sick twin’s blood oxygen rates were the best they had been since she was born.

How these–or any twins–move from a “we” position to an “I” position is a primary task of childhood and sometimes adulthood. It is a difficult task for any human being, and exponentially so for twins. Through repetitive interactions with our environment, we begin to discover who we are by separating ourselves out from the rest of the world. The primary separation is from mother.

For twins and triplets, however, the process is complicated by the fact that they must learn to distinguish themselves from a constant companion. To the extent that they appear identical, the task will be that much more difficult. This process begins around 6 months of age. Parents discover that a baby who previously would let many people hold him will no longer do so. We call this “stranger anxiety” and it implies that the baby has begun to separate people, including himself, from others. Interestingly, psychological researchers have found that often between the ages of 6 and 10 months twins seem to become highly aware of each other while being averse to gazing at each other. It is as if in this time of initial separation and individuation the presence of one so similar to oneself is somehow troubling.

If parents treat twins as a unit, it can hinder the process of attaining an individual identity, even for infants. To the extent parents can experience and treat their multiples as individuals, the greater will be their children’s ability to experience themselves as individuals. The more individuated each multiple is, the more stable his or her relationship will be throughout the trials of life. Developing as an individual is not a threat to the twin bond, but contributes to the health of the twinship.

How parents help twins and triplets develop their own identities must be done on a child-by-child basis. No one answer is right for all twins. I have many stories from twins I’ve worked with in psychotherapy who describe severe trauma from being separated. I also have many stories of twins suffering trauma from not being separated. Parents must evaluate the individual situations. Regarding wearing the same clothes, sharing birthday parties, having play dates together, and so on, look at the twins as individuals and explore, with their help, what is in each one’s best interest. While we don’t necessarily accept their judgment as final, considering their wishes certainly increases the possibility of making healthy decisions for twin children.

Most of the twins I have worked with express the feeling of being a twin as a blessing, regardless of the complications involved. They point out that they have a head start on human relationships. In helping twins become healthy individuals, secure in their own identities, and able to form satisfying and fulfilling relationships with others, we teach them to balance unity and separation. Ultimately, they can enjoy being close with another person in a way that is never experienced by a non-twin and satisfies an intense longing in the human condition.

The post Am I an I or a We: Helping twins to be individuals appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Nicole peeks around her mother’s side to watch Rachel chatter with the cashier in the grocery store. While at a family gathering, Jordan quickly agrees with whatever activity Jeffrey suggests. Colleen entertains a circle of their parents’ friends while Kerry hesitantly glances at them. These children want to interact with unfamiliar people, but remain silent, even when spoken to. They may go to great lengths to avoid calling any attention to themselves, as when Jordan quietly whispers to Bryce, “Don’t sing; people will look at us.”

Twins naturally attract attention and when one twin doesn’t feel up to a bright sunny “hello,” others are quick to say, “That must be the shy one.” People automatically put labels on twins and to the parents’ dismay, they do this in front of them.

What is shyness?
Shyness is a feeling of anxiety that results in the child not responding in social situations. Although the shyness is not the complete child, it is an important part of the child’s personality. And if we minimize or contradict those feelings, we intensify the anxious feelings, which, in turn, increases the shyness. In some cases, children who are shy in public or unfamiliar settings can be less shy or even outgoing and gregarious at home and with people they know well. In these situations, there isn’t a reason for serious concern, as most of these children will overcome their shyness.

Almost all toddlers are bashful at times–some with unfamiliar people, some around peers and others with adults. About half of these children will no longer be shy by the time they are 5 or 6 years old. Of those who are, about half will have outgrown their shyness by the time they are teenagers. Although the remaining children may be shy throughout their lives, they can acquire skills and techniques to minimize their shyness.

When people say your child is shy
So how does a parent respond to comments that single out one of their twins as shy? The best response is to smile and kindly disagree with their statement. By offering a neutral option, your child receives the positive message that it is acceptable to be who he is. And when your child refuses to respond to a question by someone else? Prompt him and then go on with the conversation whether or not he responds. This gives your child an opportunity to interact if he feels comfortable, while not placing pressure on the child.

Helping your twins
“Kerry is shy,” says Sharon Murphy, Ph.D., a child psychologist in Hinsdale, Illinois, and mother of 5-year-old twin girls, “while Colleen is spontaneous, more of a risk taker. I want Kerry to feel comfortable and to know that it’s okay to be shy because that’s her temperament.” Dr. Murphy has helped Kerry by allowing her to be comfortable in her own way rather than pushing her to be like her sister. Over the past year, she has watched Kerry go from an anxious, and sometimes envious, observer to a child who is gradually joining in. Dr. Murphy feels that “Kerry needed to be ready to do that on her own,” and she understood that if she attempted to push Kerry into socializing too soon, it could have increased her anxiety.

Twins often–but not always–are in similar developmental stages and have similar needs. Therefore, it is important when you encourage your less sociable twin to maintain the spontaneity of the more outgoing twin. Having them take turns is an easy and positive routine to develop. This worked well with our now 4-year-old identical twins, Rachel and Nicole. We began to do this when, at age 3, we noticed that Rachel was speaking up quicker and participating more than Nicole. Over time, Nicole began to withdraw more, defer to Rachel’s decisions and gradually not verbalize much at all, especially in unfamiliar situations.

Our response was to alternate asking questions of the girls, and when activity was required, alternate who went first. We did this for questions and activities, such as choosing a book to read or being first to brush her teeth. Initially, Nicole gave the same response as Rachel or changed her answer to correspond with Rachel’s. However, she gradually began to answer with her own ideas and desires, and to volunteer to be first. We extended this approach to situations outside the home. Taking turns was pivotal in helping our cautious twin to feel comfortable with expression and participation. By being patient and understanding of any initial hesitation, her self-esteem and confidence increased.

It’s important for parents to show they love and accept their child for who he is, not because they expect him to be outgoing. It is also important to encourage each twin to be proud of the other’s successes. Parents should praise small attempts as enthusiastically as accomplishments. Joe and Sharon Gaston, of Austin, Texas, feel that each of their twins, Jeffrey and Jordan, “has his own strengths. When we see Jordan beginning to withdraw or to allow Jeffrey to dominate the situation, we help them by redirecting their activities to an area in which Jordan excels.”

Time for concern
In this society, shy people are perceived negatively; there is more approval for being bold and outgoing. At times, most children experience shyness, but some children experience it to a debilitating degree.

A naturally timid child may have less frequent social interaction and, consequently, less opportunity to acquire social skills, which leads to a shy response style. Overall, these children have fewer friends, avoid being in the spotlight and are more likely to feel lonely and to have low self-esteem. Parents, siblings or others can amplify this by teasing or criticizing the child. Sensitive children with a poor self-image find it easier to withdraw, avoiding situations and people who cause discomfort.

You should be concerned, if by age 4, your child’s shyness prevents her from venturing away from your side, playing with friends, or participating in preschool lessons. By the late elementary years, this withdrawal reflex can become deeply ingrained. Physical symptoms (stomachache or headache) are classic features of shyness or social anxiety. If these types of symptoms develop, consult a psychologist who specializes in working with children and families. Be supportive of your children’s temperament. Always show respect and sensitivity to their needs. Stop worrying about your children’s personal style and say “I love you” often. By ending on a success, you’ll help your children stay enthusiastic and become self-confident.

Brenda A. Henderson, Ph.D., of Chicago, Illinois, is a pediatric clinical psychologist and mother of identical twin girls born in April 1995.

The post When One Twin is Shy appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Many school administrators and teachers today are quite willing to listen to parents and make decisions on keeping twins together in a classroom on a case-by-case basis. Yet not all educators seem quite ready to toss out, or even bend, the old rules. Policies requiring separation of twins in school often result from a well-intentioned desire to help them develop as individuals. Authorities may not realize that twins can be treated as individuals and remain in the same classroom, or that prematurely separating multiples in school can heighten the need they have for each other and, as a result, get their school career off to a negative start.

Obstacles can be overcome when you approach school officials with a positive plan. Present your case in terms of what is best for your children. Demonstrate how well you know your children by citing specifics of how togetherness will benefit your twins—things a teacher could never know,especially the first year. Pediatricians’ recommendations are an important frontline defense against the “old-school” separation rules. Ask your
pediatrician for a letter explaining why your children will benefit from being together in a classroom during the coming year.

Separating multiples may be easier on teachers, but most good teachers are willing to invest the time and effort to learn to be comfortable with twins in the same classroom. You can help. Show teachers little ways in which they can encourage individuality. For example, twins can sit in separate areas of the room, be placed in separate reading groups and on different activity teams. Talk about each child as an individual and encourage the teacher to call them by name. Point out distinct physical features such as different hairstyles; left hand, right hand; color of clothing or the quirky way one sits or walks. Also discuss their temperamental characteristics, likes and dislikes and areas in which each excels. At the same time, tactfully caution the teacher about the flip side of learning to differentiate your twins: labeling.

You might go so far as to offer to consider separating your twins after two months if their teacher observes certain behaviors or signs such as excessive arguing, clinging, competition; not including other children in their activities; or any other behaviors. This demonstrates flexibility and cooperativeness on your part and opens the door for school officials to follow your lead.

Multiples tend to separate and become comfortable with being apart as they move through the primary grades— some sooner and some later, but usually between the ages of 6 and 9. Their individual strengths and talents emerge, along with their individual personalities. Twins’ dependencies—their neediness for each other—tend to swing back and forth throughout childhood.

Working with school administrators and teachers is a learning experience for all involved. When everyone is open to creative solutions, multiples benefit.

The post How to plead for the same classroom appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

The Joy of Twins
(Crown Publishers, Inc., 1988), Pamela Patrick Novotny
The author states that the need to separate twins lies in the fear they will be “pathologically dependent on each other if not forced to strike out on their own while still young.” Our society places great importance on individualism and fosters the belief that keeping twins together only invites comparisons that will hurt the twins, and obstruct their ability to develop separate identities. “The best policy,” Novotny suggests, “seems to be no policy at all, which means that each year, you and your children need to decide what will work best for you.”

The Art of Parenting Twins
(Ballantine Publishing Group, 1999) by Patricia Maxwell Malmstrom and Janet Poland
Malmstrom and Poland agree with Novotny. “Twins vary in their need to be in separate or the same classrooms from year to year.” The authors argue that twins benefit from placement together, however. They make the point “there is no research supporting the idea that separation is necessary for the growth of individuality at this stage. In fact, the evidence suggests that twins who are separated inappropriately are liable to regress and cling more tightly to their relationship.” The authors recommended separation if both children initiate the request, when they’re different in personalities and abilities and one twin has trouble keeping up or if they are getting locked into roles that might restrict their behavior.

The Parents’ Guide to Raising Twins
(St. Martin’s Press, 1983) by Elizabeth Friedrich and Cherry Rowland
The authors point out that starting twins in elementary school together makes it easier for each of them to settle into the new environment, especially if they go to a school where they don’t know anyone else. Friedrich and Rowland, however, cite several twin behaviors that could “inhibit one or the other from participating fully in an area of schoolwork or play if they are kept together.” For example, twins trying to be exactly the same or, in contrast, making an effort to pull apart and establish separate identities.

Separation may also be in the twins’ best interest if one twin feels that he or she can’t compete with the other in certain activities and, rather than risk failure, abandons attempts to participate, or in cases where one or both twins struggle with issues of inferiority or domination. For the most part, the authors encourage individualism and strongly suggest separation in the primary school environment.

The post Separation: Excerpts from the Experts appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Extensive TWINS Magazine research into the academic foundations of separation rules failed to uncover studies or citations supporting separation of multiples in school. In fact, we found no empirical research documenting the experiences of multiples in school, separated or together, or the experiences of educators dealing with multiples together in a classroom.

Educators surmise that separation policies often stem from widely held assumptions about early childhood development in the 1960s when experts stressed the importance of the individual. Overly zealous educators likely extended the thinking to include all twins, regardless of situation or individual needs.

Educators today are quick to point out that these assumptions have changed dramatically in recent years, especially since 1985 when the birth rate of multiples began to soar.

How to plea for togetherness

The best argument for keeping multiples together in school is fairly straightforward: Separating multiples in kindergarten sometimes introduces an element of stress into their lives that makes early education experiences so unhappy they cannot learn and achieve the way parents believe they should.

Fortunately, many school administrators and teachers today are quite willing to listen to individual families and make their decisions on a case-by-case basis. Yet not all educators seem quite ready to toss out the rules that have been in place for many years.

TWINS Magazine advocates keeping twins together in the early years and publishes two special reports for parents who face separation issues in the classroom: “A Guide for Parents Who Want Their Twins to Share a Classroom” and “Separate Classrooms or Together?” These reports can help you build a successful case for keeping your multiples together in a classroom.

Thriving in a common classroom

• Make sure the teacher views your children as individuals, not a unit
• Check in with their teacher frequently.
• Help your multiples’ teacher to tell them apart without relying on artificial means, such as seat assignments or nametags. Give the teacher a few clues, such as “Sally has freckles on her left ear.” Encourage your multiples to dress differently. If one always wears blue, let the teacher know that. Or cut their hair differently—if they agree.
• At the same time, gently point out to their teacher that your twins shouldn’t be compared and labeled to differentiate them. (“Mary’s the shy one.”)
• Expect the teacher to place your twins in separate study groups and promote friendships with others in the class.

The post Standing up for your decision appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

“I know it’s easier for you to have your boys in the same class,” a well-meaning teacher told me when I registered my twin boys for kindergarten. “But it really is better for them to be separated.”

That was my first experience with the public school system and I was a little intimidated by the whole process of filling out forms, watching my kids go through endless screenings, meeting with the guidance counselor, talking with the kindergarten teachers and touring the school. Not to mention, I was in emotional turmoil over the reality that the tiny infants I held in my arms only yesterday were going to “the big school.”

I had tried to prepare my boys and myself for this huge milestone in their lives. I sent them to preschool two days a week for two years, which I had fooled myself into believing was just like “regular school.” We talked about kindergarten all summer long. We drove by the school, looked at school buses and attended the school open houses. As the time drew nearer, though, it all became overwhelming and I was—for lack of a better term—freaking out. My babies were going to be riding a bus—all by themselves. They were going to have to find their own way to their classroom, make new friends, buy their own lunches… and, who knows what else. On top of all these worries, I needed to make a decision that could affect Andrew and Nathan’s first experience with school and maybe even set the tone for their entire adolescent development. Should I keep them in the same classroom or separate them?
It seemed to me that the best choice for them during this time of transition would be to stay together. I felt that they would find comfort and feel less threatened by this new experience if they were together. That’s why I boldly and adamantly announced to the teachers, guidance counselors and anyone else, “I want my boys to be kept together.”

Now, in the face of this professional educator telling me that my desire was not only wrong but was also somehow sel?sh, I began to doubt myself. Could I not know my twins as well as I thought? Did I want to keep them in the same classroom because it would make them feel more comfortable, or because it would make me feel more comfortable? Could the expert be right? Should all twins be separated? I didn’t think so then � and I don’t think so now.

When I consulted the literature, there were differing views on the subject. Many experts, like the school teacher with whom I spoke, believe that separating twins in school will help develop their individuality while decreasing constant comparisons made by teachers, other students and the twins themselves. As parents know, competition between multiples can become a real stumbling block to their development and self-esteem.

On the other hand, some experts believe that twins benefit from the social support they give one another when placed in the same classroom. Separation can actually be detrimental because the twins receive the message that there is something wrong with being a twin. Instead of viewing their relationship as unique and special, they begin to view it as different � even abnormal.

Still confused, I spoke with adult twins. Janet, a co-worker and identical twin, was grateful that she and her sister were never separated in school. She did wish, however, that they had been forced to interact more on an individual basis in high school. Leaving each other to go away to college was almost unbearable because they had never been separated at any point in their lives.

Wanda, a 70-something identical twin whom Andrew, Nathan and I bumped into at the grocery store, told me that people don’t understand the bond between twins. Unlike Janet, she was separated from her sister in school and said that while they enjoyed having their own friends, they wished that they were together more. This feeling was intensified for her now, she told me, because her sister had just passed away.

Having read what the psychologists, pediatricians and educators had to say, and then talking to twins myself, I decided that to make this decision, I needed to look at my own twins.

Andrew and Nathan are very sweet, self-assured little boys. They tremendously enjoy being together, but they also enjoy the company of other children. They are sensitive, caring and smart. When asked, they said they would like to have the same teacher and be in the same classroom. I agreed and decided that for my twins, separation would be detrimental—both socially and emotionally.

After the first grading period, Andrew and Nathan’s kindergarten teacher agreed with me too. She made sure they had opportunities in the classroom to be on separate teams, to work at different stations with other children and to be themselves. At the same time she gave them the opportunity to be together. During our ?rst parent-teacher conference, she was pleased to report that my boys were doing very well and she saw absolutely no problems with keeping them together.

So is this the best choice for every set of twins? No, I don’t believe so. If there is one thing that I learned in my search it is that, as every child is different, every situation is different. For your twins or multiples, separation may be the best choice. It may be an opportunity for them to shine as individuals, to develop a positive sense of self and to experience a world outside of each other. Or, your twins, like mine, may find needed comfort and stability in being together. They may flourish as a team and be able to strike a balance between being together and being with others. Like nearly all aspects of parenting multiples, this is an issue that you need to figure out on your own—with the help of your children. Don’t be afraid to ask others to get new perspectives, but ultimately, you know your children best.

Plan to revisit this issue every year. I believe that we made the best choice for Andrew and Nathan this year, but I also know from experience that they continue to grow and change. And, what’s best for them down the road may be different. Such is life as a mother of multiples.

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