Twins and then some

As all twin parents know, this isn’t a walk in the park. This twin parenting stuff requires prowess, strength, resilience and a good sense of humour. For some of us though, there’s an additional spike in the daily workload and pressure of life. Bringing twins into a house with other kids is not for the faint-hearted. It’s a phenomenally challenging job, one that requires planning, compromise and on many days, a simple smile and graceful acceptance of defeat.

I hope this provides some practical, achievable tips for coping with the extra pressure the school year brings.

New term, new promises, new realities

As the leaves turn golden and the nights grow cooler, the new school year offers the annual promise of new beginnings and hope to parents. This is the year we won’t miss a beat, we’ll make school on time every day, we’ll never forget a pack up, a trip or a test. They’ll be tumble free, drama free, without angst or fear. We will greet our happy, confident, curious kids every day and hear their bright and brilliant stories of the adventures school brings. And most importantly, we will meet all their needs. They won’t be compromised by the addition of twins. They won’t resent the time the twins take up but instead see the joy in every step of this journey.

Yeah. Good luck with that. As Halloween approaches, for many of us moms of multiples, the wheels are already falling off of that rosy outlook. Last night it took all my strength to smile as I was trying to help my 9-year-old with his mental arithmetic homework. Dusting off my rusty old brain cells was a sizeable enough task. Throw in bouncing a baby on one knee, using the other leg to keep another from eating the biscuits in the dog bowl and trying to show appropriate praise for my 5-year-old daughters homespun (and incredibly loud) production of The Greatest Showman… well, come on. Seriously. Is this for real?

Somehow as ever, we all survived. Despite some slight friction and debate, in the end, each child got from their A to their B. Everyone was fed, washed and snuggled up in bed. Albeit some more compromised than others.

So today we regroup. We revisit some of the self-taught mantras that help in times of stress. We accept that we must have rough with the smooth. We remember that we are warriors. We were given this job because we can champion it. We remember that with a little planning and thought, we can show them all our affection. Most of all we remember that love will out.

If you wake some days with a faint fear of what lies ahead, try some of these simple coping techniques.

Here are 7 tips for coping with school and twins

1. Schedule a 30-minute end of day prep time

At the end of every day, no matter how bad that last shift went, you need to reboot and get organised for tomorrow. Give yourself every head start possible for the following day.

 Make sure you have their timetables and homework schedules on the fridge. Check what kit, homework and ‘stuff’ you’re meant to have lined up by the front door.
 Make any packed lunches before bed.
 Get your own clothes out for the next day. You can calmly control your decisions when everyone has gone to bed. Getting your head around a simple thing like what to wear can make a huge difference in your confidence and starting attitude for the day.

 Lay their clothes by their doors and get each child their own hook in the hallway, making sure their hats, shoes, bags are ready to scoop up as you leave.
 Check and reload your baby bag. Get baby clothes, nappies, any baby equipment ready to go with the older children’s gear.

Don’t take more than 30 minutes over this. You can do it. Tidy, organise, prepare and then stop.

2. Give yourself permission

Give yourself permission to take some smart shortcuts. You will be forgiven for cheating on the home-made bread, cakes and flapjacks for a while. You can punch in name labels rather than sew. You can skip sending your donations to the cake bake this term. You can lean on friends for a lift to school.

Give yourself permission to be less than perfect for a while, to take a helping hand and to opt out from things from time to time.

3. Spot gaps and make changes

If you step back and take a practical, dispassionate look at the separate processes in your day, it’ll be easier to see those that are working and those that need improvement. Remove the emotion from the equation and work out all the processes involved in getting from the start of the day to the end. This may include the school run, feeding the babies, taking the dog out, running the grocery errands, picking up from school, running to clubs etc. We all have our ways of getting things done, some of which will be working well, some which are barely functioning and some which just go to pot every day.

Take a solution-based approach and work out how to plug the gaps. Nothing needs to be permanent because let’s face it, once you’ve got it nailed, a logistic will change, a club will be added to the list or a child will U-turn on you for no expected reason. However, think about the here and now and what you need to do to make each process function best.

Do you have friends with teenage children who could help you with a homework buddy system for an hour a day, or mind one child while you run another to a club? Can you throw your dog on a neighbour’s dog walk for a little while or take the stroller with you for the dog walks? Can you get a friend to do pick up on allotted days? Can you swap dinner times with a friend so that you both gain from a child-free window when your schedule needs it?

Try it, make a few tweaks so that you can even out the load and operate more efficiently.

4. Create daily 1 on 1 time

It’s a fact you are acutely aware of, but every child in the mix needs you, and they need you in different ways. It’s easy to focus on those who shout the loudest, taking the path of least resistance and getting by in whatever way you can. But if you make a promise to give each of the big ones just 10 or 15 minutes before bed, you can rest easy that you’re giving them real quality you time.

Ask them what the best part of the day was. Ask them what tomorrow is going to bring and what they look forward to. Allow them to release the harder parts of every day before bed and recap on what makes life interesting and inspiring.

They won’t clock the time you spend but they’ll find comfort in the consistency of you always saving a little bit of energy and space for them.

5. Don’t throw money (or sugar) at it

It’s easy to feel sorry for the big ones, to get a sense that you are not playing enough, not listening enough, not interesting or even awake enough. But don’t let the guilt lead you to an unhealthy place where you take shortcuts to show you care. You are a good parent; you can make time and you do care. Don’t feel the need to throw more toys or sugary treats to maintain the love, affection and favour of your children.

Kids are resilient. Be consistent and keep good strong values or you’ll spoil them and need to honour this exchange and materialism for a (very) long time.

6. Don’t compare yourselves to others

Everyone else’s lives seem simpler right now. Do not make comparisons, it’ll crush you! You need to get focused on your own shizzle and leave the other parents to it.

I’ve often made the mistake of reading the banter on the school mom group chat and feeling bad about myself. Parents with fewer children have more time to review and debate the issues surrounding their children. They can chit-chat (seemingly endlessly!) about what to put in the school snacks, what to wear on the trips and compare notes on reading levels.

Don’t get sucked into the detail or you’ll end up resenting their space and forcing yourself into a low ebb. Parenting twins is what it is. It’s busy, it’s hard, but it’s also brilliant and rewarding. Just keep afloat and don’t listen to any external chat that can take you off you’re A-game.

7. Pause, smile and reflect

Above all else, take a moment every day to smile about your beautiful brood. Think about the funny things they said and the little quirks they have that make them special. Most people haven’t got a clue about how tough a gig this is. But don’t forget that soon, these bonkers, crazy, muddled up, messed up days will become the ‘the good old days – the moments you struggle to recall a bunch of years from now. One day our hearts will ache to be this important, this busy and this loved.

Remember to reflect and save a little praise for yourself. You are doing a great job. You are a champion. Keep at it tiger, tomorrow is and always will be another fresh day.

About the Author

[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’]https://twinsmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/icon.jpg[/author_image] [author_info]Laura O’Shaughnessy is a mother of four, including one-year-old twin girls. She writes about family, food, society, and life. She lives with her family and faithful sheepdog in Yorkshire, England. https://lauraoshaughnessy.wordpress.com/[/author_info] [/author]

The post Tips for coping with twin babies and school-age siblings appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Also Read: 5 tips to advocate for your children’s education

How can I help support my child’s education?

Listen to the teachers and share your own expectations for the school year. Your twins’ success rely on a strong sense of respect and partnership between all of the people involved in their education.

What is your homework philosophy?

Studies show that parents should be engaged in the process of learning at home, beyond simply monitoring whether or not the students are doing homework. Ask your kids’ teachers how you can best keep track of their progress on an ongoing basis, and how you can support their classroom learning from home.

What are the best ways for me to help in the classroom?

If you have the time, volunteers for class trips or fundraisers are always appreciated. Teachers are also always grateful for donations of supplies: tissue boxes, hand sanitizer, art supplies, and books are some things their classroom may need.

How do you prefer to be contacted?

Email, text, social media, oh my! With so many options available, please ask which method the teacher prefers for communication.

Open lines of communication between parents and teachers are essential to student success. You should understand a teacher’s preferred method of contact and use it often. It’s also important to respect boundaries while staying engaged. Your children will reap the benefits of a collaborative and supportive parent-teacher relationship.
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Any do’s and don’ts parents should know ahead of each of their twins’ parent-teacher conferences?

Do ask questions.
Do get involved.
Don’t feel overwhelmed or guilty if you have limited time.
Do explain your twins’ individual learning styles and any educational strengths and challenges they may have.
Don’t forget to listen to the teacher.

What should parents be doing to establish a good channel of communication with their twins’ teacher(s)?

Open lines of communication between parents and teachers are essential to student success. You should understand a teacher’s preferred method of communication and use it often. It’s also important to respect boundaries of communication while staying engaged.

What is the biggest challenge teachers face in the classroom?

Teaching is often a ratio of 1:30or higher. Having you involved puts one more person in the educator column. This is essential.

What happens at home has an immense, often underappreciated impact on a child’s ability to learn in the classroom. Establishing morning and evening routines, getting enough sleep, feeding the kids a healthy breakfast and lunch, and making sure they aren’t stressed when they arrive at school are all invaluable.

How can parents best use what they learn during parent-teacher conferences to help each of their twins?

Follow through on what you discuss with the teacher. So often, parents receive a lot of handouts and information and file it away in a drawer, never to be visited again. It’s important for you to apply what you learn at parent-teacher conferences to understand how your kids are performing now and how to support future learning.

Hilary Scharton is the Vice President of K-12 Product Strategy for Canvas, the open online learning management system (LMS) that makes teaching and learning easier. In her role, she sets the strategic vision for how Canvas makes its products even more awesome for students and teachers across the globe, while focusing on leveraging technology to support improved instruction and equitable access for all students.

The post 8 questions teachers wish parents would ask in Parent-Teacher conferences appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

As an educator who is a mother of identical twin boys, it is important my fellow educators understand best practices for children who are multiples.  In my classroom, I have had one half of a twin set and both twins together.  My experience thus far as an educator and a parent of multiples has taught me when educators focus on twins as a “we” instead of an individual “me,” they are not providing an optimal learning environment for academic and social development.  I offer five tips to help parents advocate for their multiples.

1. Know your school’s multiples classroom placement policy.

Many schools have a policy, where multiples are placed in separate classrooms.  It is best to know your school’s policy at least one year before your child enrolls in elementary school.  If your twins have not had the opportunity to have separate experiences, you can use the year prior to formal schooling to prepare them for separation.  Our children’s elementary school allows the parents to choose whether multiples are in the same classroom or not.  If you have the choice, school staff may still suggest you should separate your twins.  You have spent the most time with them and will know what is best.  Our boys were in the same classroom for preschool during the first semester, but in separate classrooms at two different schools during the second semester.  When they begin kindergarten in August, they will be enrolled in separate classrooms at the same school.  Although, my husband and I knew our boys could remain together in kindergarten, we knew it made no sense to place them back together after a successful second semester being separated in preschool.

2. Help your twin understand their classroom experience.

Even if your twins are ready for separate classrooms, they may not understand how different each of their classes might be. In her book, Emotionally Healthy Twins:  A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children, Joan A. Friedman, Ph.D, shares this script, “Life isn’t always fair or equal.  And your life will always be different from your brother’s which is what makes each of you so special.” I have found this script helpful to explain to our boys why different experiences are okay.  This script is beneficial to also share with your children’s teachers.  It might not sink in the first few times or when emotions are blocking out logic, but we had a breakthrough after our boys were in separate classes.  Jeremiah was invited to a birthday party and my husband and I were worried about James’ potential response.  He put us at ease when he said, “Kids in my class have birthdays too and I’m sure I will be invited to a party one day.” It’s to your children’s benefit to learn how to cope with experiences that differs because it will help their emotional and social development.

3. Acknowledge, but don’t compare academic milestones.  

Each child should be praised for his or her accomplishments.  When one twin has a special need or struggles with an academic subject, it will impede the child’s progress if the child believes the bar is the success of his or her twin.  When scheduling parent/teacher conferences schedule one for each child and not for your twins as a unit.  Do not allow a twin to be present at its sibling’s conference.  One of our son’s has an anxiety diagnosis.  It is important his brother is not privy to conversations about him, so he does not feel as if he is being compared.

4. Teach your children to advocate for their own individuality.

Part of navigating school as a twin is learning to develop as an individual and being known by others for what makes you, you.  When other students refer to your twins as “the twins” or “hey twin” what is being acknowledged is the fact they are siblings who have the same birthdate.  They are seen as only a unit or part of a unit and not known for who they truly are.  We have taught our boys to kindly say, “My name is Jeremiah” or “My name is James” when children do not refer to them by their names.  If it becomes a significant issue, have a conversation with the teacher to explain your concerns.

5. Visit your twins at school.

Even if you have a great relationship with the teacher, it is beneficial to observe your children at school.  This is a way to learn how your child is coping at school and if there are any concerns to address.  Both my husband and I, individually, visited our sons at preschool.  When our sons were in the same class, there was an unhealthy dynamic.  One of our sons felt it was his responsibility to parent and look after his brother.  They were not interacting with other children unless the child would play with both of them at the same time.  This prompted us to separate our boys the second semester.  Although there was another preschool class at their current school, we decided another preschool would be a better placement for our son and it was.  Because his brother was not present, he had to make his own decisions.  We learned what his true interests were; he was truly a different child.

This is not an all-inclusive list, but I have found these five tips to be beneficial when advocating for your children.

The post Focus on Me not We: 5 Tips to Advocate for Your Children’s Education appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Many school administrators and teachers today are quite willing to listen to parents and make decisions on keeping twins together in a classroom on a case-by-case basis. Yet not all educators seem quite ready to toss out, or even bend, the old rules. Policies requiring separation of twins in school often result from a well-intentioned desire to help them develop as individuals. Authorities may not realize that twins can be treated as individuals and remain in the same classroom, or that prematurely separating multiples in school can heighten the need they have for each other and, as a result, get their school career off to a negative start.

Obstacles can be overcome when you approach school officials with a positive plan. Present your case in terms of what is best for your children. Demonstrate how well you know your children by citing specifics of how togetherness will benefit your twins—things a teacher could never know,especially the first year. Pediatricians’ recommendations are an important frontline defense against the “old-school” separation rules. Ask your
pediatrician for a letter explaining why your children will benefit from being together in a classroom during the coming year.

Separating multiples may be easier on teachers, but most good teachers are willing to invest the time and effort to learn to be comfortable with twins in the same classroom. You can help. Show teachers little ways in which they can encourage individuality. For example, twins can sit in separate areas of the room, be placed in separate reading groups and on different activity teams. Talk about each child as an individual and encourage the teacher to call them by name. Point out distinct physical features such as different hairstyles; left hand, right hand; color of clothing or the quirky way one sits or walks. Also discuss their temperamental characteristics, likes and dislikes and areas in which each excels. At the same time, tactfully caution the teacher about the flip side of learning to differentiate your twins: labeling.

You might go so far as to offer to consider separating your twins after two months if their teacher observes certain behaviors or signs such as excessive arguing, clinging, competition; not including other children in their activities; or any other behaviors. This demonstrates flexibility and cooperativeness on your part and opens the door for school officials to follow your lead.

Multiples tend to separate and become comfortable with being apart as they move through the primary grades— some sooner and some later, but usually between the ages of 6 and 9. Their individual strengths and talents emerge, along with their individual personalities. Twins’ dependencies—their neediness for each other—tend to swing back and forth throughout childhood.

Working with school administrators and teachers is a learning experience for all involved. When everyone is open to creative solutions, multiples benefit.

The post How to plead for the same classroom appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

The Joy of Twins
(Crown Publishers, Inc., 1988), Pamela Patrick Novotny
The author states that the need to separate twins lies in the fear they will be “pathologically dependent on each other if not forced to strike out on their own while still young.” Our society places great importance on individualism and fosters the belief that keeping twins together only invites comparisons that will hurt the twins, and obstruct their ability to develop separate identities. “The best policy,” Novotny suggests, “seems to be no policy at all, which means that each year, you and your children need to decide what will work best for you.”

The Art of Parenting Twins
(Ballantine Publishing Group, 1999) by Patricia Maxwell Malmstrom and Janet Poland
Malmstrom and Poland agree with Novotny. “Twins vary in their need to be in separate or the same classrooms from year to year.” The authors argue that twins benefit from placement together, however. They make the point “there is no research supporting the idea that separation is necessary for the growth of individuality at this stage. In fact, the evidence suggests that twins who are separated inappropriately are liable to regress and cling more tightly to their relationship.” The authors recommended separation if both children initiate the request, when they’re different in personalities and abilities and one twin has trouble keeping up or if they are getting locked into roles that might restrict their behavior.

The Parents’ Guide to Raising Twins
(St. Martin’s Press, 1983) by Elizabeth Friedrich and Cherry Rowland
The authors point out that starting twins in elementary school together makes it easier for each of them to settle into the new environment, especially if they go to a school where they don’t know anyone else. Friedrich and Rowland, however, cite several twin behaviors that could “inhibit one or the other from participating fully in an area of schoolwork or play if they are kept together.” For example, twins trying to be exactly the same or, in contrast, making an effort to pull apart and establish separate identities.

Separation may also be in the twins’ best interest if one twin feels that he or she can’t compete with the other in certain activities and, rather than risk failure, abandons attempts to participate, or in cases where one or both twins struggle with issues of inferiority or domination. For the most part, the authors encourage individualism and strongly suggest separation in the primary school environment.

The post Separation: Excerpts from the Experts appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Extensive TWINS Magazine research into the academic foundations of separation rules failed to uncover studies or citations supporting separation of multiples in school. In fact, we found no empirical research documenting the experiences of multiples in school, separated or together, or the experiences of educators dealing with multiples together in a classroom.

Educators surmise that separation policies often stem from widely held assumptions about early childhood development in the 1960s when experts stressed the importance of the individual. Overly zealous educators likely extended the thinking to include all twins, regardless of situation or individual needs.

Educators today are quick to point out that these assumptions have changed dramatically in recent years, especially since 1985 when the birth rate of multiples began to soar.

How to plea for togetherness

The best argument for keeping multiples together in school is fairly straightforward: Separating multiples in kindergarten sometimes introduces an element of stress into their lives that makes early education experiences so unhappy they cannot learn and achieve the way parents believe they should.

Fortunately, many school administrators and teachers today are quite willing to listen to individual families and make their decisions on a case-by-case basis. Yet not all educators seem quite ready to toss out the rules that have been in place for many years.

TWINS Magazine advocates keeping twins together in the early years and publishes two special reports for parents who face separation issues in the classroom: “A Guide for Parents Who Want Their Twins to Share a Classroom” and “Separate Classrooms or Together?” These reports can help you build a successful case for keeping your multiples together in a classroom.

Thriving in a common classroom

• Make sure the teacher views your children as individuals, not a unit
• Check in with their teacher frequently.
• Help your multiples’ teacher to tell them apart without relying on artificial means, such as seat assignments or nametags. Give the teacher a few clues, such as “Sally has freckles on her left ear.” Encourage your multiples to dress differently. If one always wears blue, let the teacher know that. Or cut their hair differently—if they agree.
• At the same time, gently point out to their teacher that your twins shouldn’t be compared and labeled to differentiate them. (“Mary’s the shy one.”)
• Expect the teacher to place your twins in separate study groups and promote friendships with others in the class.

The post Standing up for your decision appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

“I know it’s easier for you to have your boys in the same class,” a well-meaning teacher told me when I registered my twin boys for kindergarten. “But it really is better for them to be separated.”

That was my first experience with the public school system and I was a little intimidated by the whole process of filling out forms, watching my kids go through endless screenings, meeting with the guidance counselor, talking with the kindergarten teachers and touring the school. Not to mention, I was in emotional turmoil over the reality that the tiny infants I held in my arms only yesterday were going to “the big school.”

I had tried to prepare my boys and myself for this huge milestone in their lives. I sent them to preschool two days a week for two years, which I had fooled myself into believing was just like “regular school.” We talked about kindergarten all summer long. We drove by the school, looked at school buses and attended the school open houses. As the time drew nearer, though, it all became overwhelming and I was—for lack of a better term—freaking out. My babies were going to be riding a bus—all by themselves. They were going to have to find their own way to their classroom, make new friends, buy their own lunches… and, who knows what else. On top of all these worries, I needed to make a decision that could affect Andrew and Nathan’s first experience with school and maybe even set the tone for their entire adolescent development. Should I keep them in the same classroom or separate them?
It seemed to me that the best choice for them during this time of transition would be to stay together. I felt that they would find comfort and feel less threatened by this new experience if they were together. That’s why I boldly and adamantly announced to the teachers, guidance counselors and anyone else, “I want my boys to be kept together.”

Now, in the face of this professional educator telling me that my desire was not only wrong but was also somehow sel?sh, I began to doubt myself. Could I not know my twins as well as I thought? Did I want to keep them in the same classroom because it would make them feel more comfortable, or because it would make me feel more comfortable? Could the expert be right? Should all twins be separated? I didn’t think so then � and I don’t think so now.

When I consulted the literature, there were differing views on the subject. Many experts, like the school teacher with whom I spoke, believe that separating twins in school will help develop their individuality while decreasing constant comparisons made by teachers, other students and the twins themselves. As parents know, competition between multiples can become a real stumbling block to their development and self-esteem.

On the other hand, some experts believe that twins benefit from the social support they give one another when placed in the same classroom. Separation can actually be detrimental because the twins receive the message that there is something wrong with being a twin. Instead of viewing their relationship as unique and special, they begin to view it as different � even abnormal.

Still confused, I spoke with adult twins. Janet, a co-worker and identical twin, was grateful that she and her sister were never separated in school. She did wish, however, that they had been forced to interact more on an individual basis in high school. Leaving each other to go away to college was almost unbearable because they had never been separated at any point in their lives.

Wanda, a 70-something identical twin whom Andrew, Nathan and I bumped into at the grocery store, told me that people don’t understand the bond between twins. Unlike Janet, she was separated from her sister in school and said that while they enjoyed having their own friends, they wished that they were together more. This feeling was intensified for her now, she told me, because her sister had just passed away.

Having read what the psychologists, pediatricians and educators had to say, and then talking to twins myself, I decided that to make this decision, I needed to look at my own twins.

Andrew and Nathan are very sweet, self-assured little boys. They tremendously enjoy being together, but they also enjoy the company of other children. They are sensitive, caring and smart. When asked, they said they would like to have the same teacher and be in the same classroom. I agreed and decided that for my twins, separation would be detrimental—both socially and emotionally.

After the first grading period, Andrew and Nathan’s kindergarten teacher agreed with me too. She made sure they had opportunities in the classroom to be on separate teams, to work at different stations with other children and to be themselves. At the same time she gave them the opportunity to be together. During our ?rst parent-teacher conference, she was pleased to report that my boys were doing very well and she saw absolutely no problems with keeping them together.

So is this the best choice for every set of twins? No, I don’t believe so. If there is one thing that I learned in my search it is that, as every child is different, every situation is different. For your twins or multiples, separation may be the best choice. It may be an opportunity for them to shine as individuals, to develop a positive sense of self and to experience a world outside of each other. Or, your twins, like mine, may find needed comfort and stability in being together. They may flourish as a team and be able to strike a balance between being together and being with others. Like nearly all aspects of parenting multiples, this is an issue that you need to figure out on your own—with the help of your children. Don’t be afraid to ask others to get new perspectives, but ultimately, you know your children best.

Plan to revisit this issue every year. I believe that we made the best choice for Andrew and Nathan this year, but I also know from experience that they continue to grow and change. And, what’s best for them down the road may be different. Such is life as a mother of multiples.

The post It’s Your Decision appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Like every parent of multiples, I wondered how difficult would be for me to persuade the powers-that-be that my children would be best served if they were together in the same classroom. I felt more confident knowing I had a secret weapon in my portfolio to strengthen my hand for negotiations that day-just in case. I want to share my secret with you.

First, some background: My twins have been at a Montessori school for the last three years-the first two-and-a-half together, and this past six months apart (a trial period we agreed to after two years of arguing with their teachers). Although they have flourished in both environments, they have repeatedly mentioned how much they miss each other when they’re separated.

In a new school, with new friends to make and a new environment to which they must acclimate, my husband and I believe a particular blessing of twinship is for them to have each other-being physically close together-until we parents agree they can be apart for their own reasons.

In writing this, I wish to argue not that all twins should be together all the time, but that parents who disagree with the decisions of a school system regarding their children need only know the path to take with the school to get what they want. I feel fortunate to live in Oklahoma-one of only two states having legal standards for schools that require deference to parental choice in the placement of multiple-birth children.

Jack and Emma will be in the same class next year, and no fight erupted in the effort to place them there. For those of you who live elsewhere, your experience can be discouragingly different-you may be told that your multiples will be separated because it is supposedly “in the twins’ best interest.” And you may feel there is little you can do to change the minds of the teachers and administrators-indeed, some parents of multiples have been told to consider home schooling if they wish to try to control their children’s education

Many of us agree legislation would be helpful, and I have personally endorsed Kathy Dolan’s efforts in this regard (to see a copy of the letter I wrote Kathy, visit her website at http://www.twinslaw.com/Welcome_to_Twinslaw.com_Where_the_twin_bond_is_celebrated_and_protected_under_law!.html

However, in the absence of legislative help, all is not lost. While you may not have control, there is always room for negotiation. And if you level the playing field by knowing what the educators know, you may well succeed.

Educators, like doctors, are expected to follow certain guidelines when taking care of your loved ones. These standards or guidelines are not intended to be applied blindly if there is evidence that following them would be harmful to a specific person in a specific situation. Guidelines exist in an effort to unify the ways in which we do our jobs. Guidelines for educators are created by a federal government task force (the Educational Research and Improvement Council-ERIC) and funded by the Office of Educational Research and Improvement of the U.S. Department of Education, covering topics ranging from how to create fair tests to how to acclimate home-schooled children into higher education.

These guidelines are published on the Internet (at www.eric.ed.gov) and are available to educators across the country.

Just as all doctors are expected to know what the Journal of the American Medical Association is, all teachers and administrators should be familiar with the ERIC Digest and know that it exists and contains guidelines for assisting them in providing an appropriate educational environment for all of our children.

Many educators seem to have forgotten the ERIC Digests—or never knew they existed—because these men and women are often arguing a position to you that is in direct opposition to their own guidelines, which say—wait for the shocker here—that parents often know what is best for their children, and that placement of twins together should be allowed unless certain circumstances exist!

If you have children nearing school age, you would benefit by going to the site above and printing out these guidelines for yourself, putting them in your “Important Information” folder along with your twins’ immunization records. Be prepared to “share” them with your local school principal when enrolling your children in school.

This is especially important if you believe your district will be less than eager to adopt your assertions about your children’s needs to be in the same classroom. You will then be prepared to argue from a position of increased strength by asking the educators to agree to follow their own guidelines when teaching your children.

In brief, the guideline says that parents and teachers should ask themselves a few questions when considering the appropriate placement of multiples, namely:
• Are the twins, by the age of five, able to make and sustain friendships independently of one another? If so, they can be placed together if the parents wish. If not, separation should be considered on an “experimental” basis to allow this to begin.
• Do classmates or teachers constantly compare the twins, leaving one to feel negatively toward school? If so, separation could be considered. ?(In my opinion, a frank discussion with a teacher who is making comparisons is warranted to eliminate his or her unhelpful behavior).
• Are the twins consistently disruptive when they are together (and have attempts to change their behavior failed?) If so, separation may be important to preserve the rights of other children to learn successfully.

• Does a female twin “over-mother” her male sibling? If so, separation may help the boy develop independent behaviors and improve his learning.
• Does a female twin “over-mother” her male sibling? If so, separation may help the boy develop independent behaviors and improve his learning.
• How will separation affect twins who are used to leaning on each other for academic and social support, especially in preschool and early elementary education? A balance must be found between twins being overly dependent upon each other and twins being separated before they are able to cope adequately.
• Is there a social or health concern that would compound the stress of separation on the twins? For instance, if one twin has disabilities and leans on the other one, or if the parents are separating or divorcing, placement together may be in the best interests of the children.
• Finally, if the twins are school-aged, what do they want? The guidelines recognize that children have a right to their opinions and that those should be taken into account along with all other available information when the decision is made.
• And most interestingly, ERIC recognizes the importance of gaining the agreement of the parents:

“Placement decisions should also take into account the views of the parents…If parents disagree on the best course of action, teachers may want to listen carefully to each, make suggestions for them to consider, invite them to observe their children in the classroom, and suggest a short-term experiment of separating or keeping the twins together. During that time, the twins can be closely observed and evaluated by teachers and parents. In this way, the school personnel and the parents can address the issue as a team focused on the long-term best interests of the children.”

So don’t sell yourself short when it comes to directing the education of your children—your opinion matters most, and you have always known it. Remember that if your children turn out poorly, nothing else you have ever done matters.

The people who have the greatest interest in your children’s final outcome are you and your children, not the people who went to school to learn to teach them. They may love children and be dedicated professionals when it comes to educating children, but ultimately, those who teach will only be with your children for about nine months or less, after which they move on to another group of kids.

Advocate for your twins just as you did while you were pregnant with them—ask the tough questions, demand answers from the professionals, and be willing to participate with them to improve your children’s educational experience. Ask to be part of a team with your kids’ educators, neither insisting that they be “the boss” of the educational process nor agreeing to be relegated to the sidelines.

And keep the ERIC guidelines in mind—you never know when you might need them again to help you find answers when talking to the other members of the team. Best wishes for a successful school year—see you on the playground!

Bio/Byline: Dr. Rachel Franklin, a board-certified family medicine physician in Oklahoma City, is the mother of 4-year-old twins and the author of Expecting Twins, Triplets and More: A Doctor’s Guide to a Healthy and Happy Multiple Pregnancy (St. Martin’s Griffin 2005), available at www.TwinsMagazine.com (Twins Bookshelf, Pregnancy and Expecting Books). She posts advice on the TWINS Magazine Message Board forums “Pregnant with Multiples?” and “Postpartum.” Visit her Web site, www.AskDrRachel.com

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