Potty training… Now or later?  My husband and I agreed to delay answering that dreaded question until we heard from the experts.  Marriage and family therapist Nonie Bradley and certified parent educator Sherry Ittner, parents themselves, team-teach parenting classes in Southern California, including one on potty training, which they break down into six helpful steps.  And with potty training, as with much in the lives of twins, it’s two steps forward and one step back.

1)  Readiness

Each child is unique in this process.  “A key element,” Ittner says, “is bladder control: Is your child having longer intervals between diaper changes?”  Typically, girls show readiness between the ages of 2 and 2 ½ and boys by the age of 3.  That was the experience for Diane Aiken, of Encinitas, California, mother of boy/girl twins.  “My daughter had bladder control right away.” Aiken says, “But my son is taking a little longer.”  While the readiness of your child is primary, parental readiness should not be overlooked.  Aiken agrees, “One morning I woke up and decided I was ready to start the potty training process and we began.”

Bradley stressed the importance to parents of “owning their feelings” towards potty training because children are highly intuitive and often reflect their parents’ feelings.  “Get real clear on your attitudes before starting the next step, preparing,” Bradley cautions.

2)  Preparing

The preparing stage can start as early as 18-months because you are simply introducing the idea of using a potty.  Shop around and purchase a potty but, as Ittner suggests, “Introduce the potty gradually by letting your child explore.  Ask them if they want to sit on the potty, but if they say ‘no’, quit.  You and your child are still becoming comfortable with the idea and preparing for the next phase.

“At 18-months, a child learns through observation and imitating others, so parents and siblings are encouraged to model the behavior,” Ittner explains.

“Blake and Brent were much more interested in standing and going potty like their big brother than using the smaller potty,” says Shawn Homan, mother of fraternal twin boys in Oceanside, California. Twins can also model behavior for each other.  They see their twin use the potty and don’t want to be left out, so they try, too.  “The time involved in potty training twins,” Homan admits, “wasn’t cut in half, but it was much easier.”

3)  Step By Step

Even after preparing the groundwork, parents tend to fall into the trap of questioning their children.  “Do you want to stop wearing diapers?”  Instead, Joanna Cole, in her book Parents Book of Toilet Teaching, advocates making positive statements such as, “We think you are ready to stop wearing diapers and start using the potty.”

As with preparing your children and letting them explore the potty, underpants should also be gradually introduced.  It is important not to rush the process.  Set a date with your children and make positive statements.  Tell them:  “We are going to go shopping for some new underpants.”

“Include your child.” Cole recommends.  “Let them select their underpants.”  Also, be sure to buy underpants that are big enough to pull up and down easily.  Your twins will need about a dozen pairs each—in preparation for accidents.  After your twins select their underpants, don’t hide the new pants in a drawer.  Let your twins admire themselves in the mirror with their new underpants.

Kelly O’Connell of Seal Beach, California, recalls: “It was a big deal going to buy big boy underpants and big girl panties for my triplets.”  O’Connell laughs as she recalls, “The excitement didn’t end at the store—they showed them off to everyone!”

Next, lead them to the potty.  Use a positive statement, such as “Remember, you’re not wearing diapers now, so you’ll have to use the potty.”

As we discussed, however, you can lead a child to the potty but you can’t make him go.  Bradley recommends that parents relax and not panic.  Be ready for accidents and remind your child of the potty for the “next time.”

4)  Night Dryness

“Night dryness” develops later in most children because they are still working on control during the day.  Until your child has fewer daytime accidents and has developed greater bladder control, use a diaper for naptime and during the night.

Eventually, when your child is ready for a diaper-free night, prepare yourself.  Double-sheet the bed, avoid any drinks for your child one hour prior to bedtime and leave the potty in an accessible area.

5)  Learning Period

Potty training can be frustrating for parents because they are learning new techniques to teach their child, according to Bradley and Ittner.  From showing them how to pull down pants to friendly reminders like, “Let’s go potty.” Potty training is an entirely new arena for most parents.  Accordingly, Bradley advises that accidents will happen, with minor setbacks and periods of regression for the child and parent.

6)  Parental Attitudes and Behaviors

Bradley and Ittner stress the acceptance of feelings.  “Frustration or perfectionism,” Bradley says, “are feelings you wouldn’t want to transmit to your child.”

Parents and children are learning and developing new skills with each other.  Bradley reminds everyone, “Be gentle with yourself and your child.” Whether the topic is positive discipline or potty training, Bradley and Ittner encourage “firm and kind” parenting.  “Be kind out of respect for our children and firm out of respect for ourselves,” Bradley explains.

When a problem arises between parents on the “how-to-potty” approach, Bradley encourages parents to privately discuss the matter away from the children.  One approach is to use a code word that signals to your partner the need to talk.  One couple in one of their potty training classes offered their code word of “Bob” which stood for “Back off Buddy,” when a potty training issue arose. Most of the couples reported that jointly they form the “firm and kind” parenting approach, but individually each parent tended to be closer to one spectrum than sharing both characteristics.  While one tended to be firm, the other leaned towards being kind.

Bradley acknowledged the gifts both types of parenting offer.  A “firm” parent brings the gift of structure and boundaries and a “kind” parent bring the gift of love and patience.  Children need both these gifts.  “Create the balance of structure and boundaries, within an atmosphere of love and patience, and the children will thrive,” Bradley stated.

Since attending this class, my husband and I have been able to turn the question, “Potty train now or potty train later? Into a positive statement…  “We think now is the time and, in the team approach to potty training, unity works.”

Mary Billiter Thomas lives in Oceanside, California with her husband and identical twin boys.

The post Six Steps to Potty Training Your Pair appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

1. Make sure you limit the party to no more than two hours. This is a perfect amount of time for everyone to enjoy themselves without getting out of control.
2. Plan small, simple parties. Resist the temptation to invite double the number of children at one party!
3. Save the elaborate entertainment for older twins. Most 3-to-5 year-olds like to entertain themselves. Your basement full of toys or the backyard swing set might be more fun than any costly entertainment you would hire.
4. Keep the food simple. Stick to child-pleasers, such as cheese pizza, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, or macaroni and cheese. Consider just serving cake and ice cream to eliminate extra clean-up and to cut costs!
5. Enlist help! Be sure to get older siblings, cousins, friends, and family members to help during the party to help with crowd control.
6. Does space seem to be an issue at your house? Then plan a party away from the house! One of my twin boys’ most favorite parties we did was when they turned 4 and we had their party in a conference room at the local firehouse. We brought in cake, ice cream, and snacks, and our local fire department gave everyone a plastic fire hat, coloring books, and other fun favors and we watched a fire safety video and then toured the firehouse!  Other fun parties we have planned over the years included roller skating, an indoor swim party, a movie/pizza party, mini-golf, and bowling. Depending on the time of year, having a picnic at a park with playgrounds are always fun, too!
7. Be sure to have a separate cake for each twin! Sounds like a lot of cake but every child wants to be able to blow out their own birthday candles and make their own wish! Consider using smaller, one-layer cakes and allowing each twin to choose their cake theme and how it is decorated!
8. Sing Happy Birthday to each twin separately! Be sure to explain to party guests that you want to sing to each child and which order you will sing (for example, “we are going to sing first to Nick and then to James.”)
9. When your twins have the same interests, often they will receive the same gifts from friends. Try using color-coded bows or stickers to label each of the gifts from friends as they arrive and number them according to the giver. Then allow your twins to open #1 first, then #2, and so on. It makes it easy for you to keep track of the guests that gave each gift.
10. Want a quick and easy idea for “thank-you” gifts/party favors? Pre-make all your thank you notes. When guests are leaving, put the pre-made thank you note on a toy you purchase from the dollar store (like a kite, bubbles, or sidewalk chalk) and you have saved a step when the party is over!
11. Keep your eyes open for all the wonderful ‘birthday clubs’ offered throughout the year to receive FREE coupons and goodies for your twins.  Baskin-Robbins, McDonald’s, and Orange Julius have great offers, and be sure to also check out local merchants, too!
12. Arrange to spend a day with them. Separately or together, to redeem all the birthday club coupons. If you collect all the goodies in one morning, you can take them to the park and make a day of it.  Pack a picnic to save even more money!

The post 12 Birthday Party Planning Tips for Twins appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

But continuing to live my life this way began to exact a toll on my physical and emotional health.  I got pneumonia when the boys were one year old, and I had a fever that continued for more than a year.  Then I began to awaken at three o’clock every morning, unable to get back to sleep.  When the alarm went off, I would lie in bed exhausted, feeling a sense of despair and dread, wondering how I could face another day.

That dark mood began to permeate every aspect of my life.  At one point, I remember crying almost daily during my long commute to pick the boys up from daycare.  I waited, hoping to “snap out of it.”  Yet the sadness continued.

Finally, I summoned the courage to ask my doctor for a referral to a therapist.  Asking for help and admitting that I suffered from depression represented a giant step for me.  With the help of a gifted therapist and a course of antidepressant medication, I began the process of emerging from my depression.  This involved making some logistical changes in our daily routine in order to reduce stress, as well as trying to understand and change the negative “self-talk” that fueled my depression.

Our boys are now almost 6 and life seems much easier than when they were babies.  In retrospect, I can see that there were several core “myths” that contributed to my depression and robbed me of my ability to enjoy those early years with our new family.  I share these core myths along with the realities, as I now see them, with the hope that other new mothers of multiples might read them and discover ways to be gentler on their own self.

MYTH #1

You should always feel lucky and blessed to be the mother of twins.  Our culture still romanticizes motherhood, perpetuating the myth that being home with infants or young children is always joyful and easier than being out in the “real” world.  Therefore, being home with two babies as once must be “twice the joy”.  How many times have strangers stopped you on the street and confessed “I’ve always wanted to have twins.  I think it would be so much fun!”  The message I got from society was that I should feel joyous, but in those initial months at home with our babies, I felt mainly exhausted and overwhelmed.  I concluded, therefore, that I must be a bad (or at least, inadequate) mother.  I could no longer see or appreciate the creative ways I was managing to love and care for two babies at once.

REALITY

You can love your twins unconditionally and feel blessed to have two beautiful babies.  However, you do not always have to love trying to meet the physical and emotional needs of two babies simultaneously, nor always rejoice over the way your life has so drastically changed.  Caring for two babies at once is one of the hardest things you may ever do in your life.  And no one else, unless they have multiples of their own, can understand what it really feels like.  Any reasonable person would at times feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and vulnerable to depression when faced with a relentless stream of diapers, feedings, and months of sleep deprivation.  Expect to feel a wide spectrum of emotions once your twins arrive.  You are not alone in your experience: Studies have found significantly high rates of chronic exhaustion among mothers of young twins (76% versus only 8% among mothers of singletons) and rates of depression ranging from 30% to 50% (three to five times the rates among mothers of singletons).  We typically think of postpartum depression (PPD) as having its onset within three months of childbirth.  However, experts on PPD now emphasize that women are at increased risk for depression for up to three years after giving birth.

MYTH #2

Taking time for yourself is selfish and means you’re not taking care of your family.  One of the most difficult things for mothers of multiples is to take time for ourselves.  Especially when our babies are little, they have so many physical and emotional needs that require our attention.  In my case, I had a supportive and involved husband who did his best to give me some breaks.  However, the guilt and ambivalence that I experienced when I did take time away from our babies made the psychological costs of nurturing myself too high.

REALITY

“You cannot give from an empty cup.” And you can’t replenish your cup unless you take a break.  Taking some time for yourself (to simply take a walk or have coffee with a friend) is important, not only for your well-being but for your babies as well.  A recent study of mothers of very young twins found that mothers who asked for help and were less exhausted were much more sensitive and responsible for their babies’ individual needs.  Of course, the reality is that any dedicated “Mommy Time” is extremely limited and therefore, precious. Protect it fiercely and spend it only on activities that you truly enjoy or with people who delight and nurture you.

MYTH #3

Each individual decision I make about how I raise my twins is critically important to their future well-being.  Making the wrong decision could be devastating.  As mothers, we are faced with a never-ending stream of choices regarding the care of our children: Breastfeed or bottle feed?  Return to work or stay home?  The list seems endless.  Unless we are careful, we can begin to expend too much energy worrying about making the “right decision,” losing sight of the bigger picture with respect to the good jobs we do as mothers.

REALITY

The decisions you make about caring for your twins deserve careful consideration.  But it is the sum of all your decisions and the daily interactions with your children that matter the most.  Trust yourself.  No one knows your twins better than you do.  If it turns out that a decision was not the best one, in the long run, you will know that and will have even more information under your belt to draw upon the next time you’re faced with a difficult decision.

I know now that the love I have for my twins is like an iceberg.  The tiny, exposed tip of the iceberg represents the day-to-day decisions: one crib or two, same classroom or separate?  But those decisions are supported by the unseen, massive body of the iceberg, comprised of all the loving interactions, attention, and care I have given our boys.  I know that it is the powerful base of the iceberg that shapes and nurtures them in the long run.

Raising twins is a unique challenge and it is hard work.  Don’t make your job even harder by letting these or other myths about motherhood rob you of your ability to see just how creative and capable you are. While some days will feel harder than others, there should also be some days when you can find ways to nurture yourself and take pleasure in the things you do. 

If these good days begin to disappear, especially if you notice other symptoms of clinical depression such as difficulty sleeping or eating, feeling sad, worthless, or hopeless about the future, don’t hesitate to seek professional help.  Asking for support during times of stress is not a sign of weakness, but rather a testament to how much you value and treasure your children, your family, and yourself.

The post The Myths of Motherhood appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Parents of toddler twins can either help their children change their sleeping patterns to suit the adult in their lives or find another way to get relief time most need desperately if they are at home with their children.

One father of twin girls now 3 ½ years-old says, “We encouraged the ritual of our children taking a nap by insisting they stay in their rooms during naptime until the level of destruction repeatedly brought us to their sides.”  Then he and his wife found individual quiet time by taking turns watching the children so one of them could rest for a period every day.

Molly Sullivan, a Berkeley, California early childhood specialist offers this advice on napping.  “At some point during toddlerhood, most children wake up soon after going to sleep.  At that time, it is imperative that they learn they can put themselves back to sleep.  They need to be told clearly, ‘It’s still nap time.’  My experience is that noise from one child doesn’t wake the other—eye contact does.  A simple solution is putting up a curtain or screen between the twins or using some other means to keep them from seeing each other.”

She emphasizes that a parent must be firmly convinced his toddlers still need naps.  They will go back to sleep if his message is clear, she says.

Naps as a Nuisance

Not all parents find naps a blessing.

One mother of four children says, “I thought naps were a hassle.  We couldn’t go anywhere with the older kids in the afternoon because the twins had to nap.  I was glad when they gave up napping, even though for a short period of time, one or the other sometimes fell asleep in his dinner plate…literally laying his head down in his mashed potatoes.  Even with this, the freedom was worth it!”

Another parent found naps a problem for this reason.  “My twins gave up napping at about 2 ½ years of age.  Recently I went back to work and put them in daycare, where they are required to nap.  Now with all that sleep in the afternoon, I can’t get them to sleep until 10 o’clock at night.  I hate it!  I never have any time to myself in the evening.”

The Parents’ Needs are Also Important

Parents of twins must be aware of their own needs and find ways to meet them.

Getting regular relief from parenting is essential on a daily basis.  Time off from the exhausting job of being with toddlers all day promotes parents’ mental and physical health.

They should recognize this need and not feel guilty about arranging for it.  One way to accomplish this is by continuing naptime through the toddler years, according to some parents.

Others disagree with this suggestion, arguing that children should understand their own physical needs.  This important lesson should be learned in early childhood, they say, and resting when needed rather than as a routine is the best way to promote this learning.

Although this idea may work for some people, one mother of very active twin toddler boys says, “When my twins were newborns, my aunt, also a mother of twins, told me, ‘I have just one piece of advice on how to keep your sanity: Put them on the same eating and sleeping schedule.’  I’ve followed that advice and found that it works very well.  My boys are definitely individuals, and they have different sleep needs.  I have put them on the same schedule, which means that they nap about the same amount of time, but one wakes up earlier than the other in the morning.”

This mother also sees a relationship between diet and rest, so she tries to keep sugar out of her boys’ diets so they can rest without being all “hyped up”.

She keeps her boys together when they nap, considering it a real advantage that they can hop in bed with each other because, in her opinion, the togetherness helps them sleep.

Enforcing Rules

Another mother of twins who are 5 ½ years old says her children don’t nap, but she insists they have a quiet time every day.  “I put them in separate rooms at an early age, making sure they got enough fresh air and exercise, and always are put to bed early at night so they are tired but not overly tired.  Naptime is a routine and I’m kind of strict about it.  I found, though, as they got older, I couldn’t let them sleep all afternoon or they wouldn’t go to sleep at night.  By the time they were 3-years-old, I had to wake them up after an hour’s nap,” she reports, “to ensure a workable bedtime.”

Both of these mothers have no complaints about their toddlers’ naps primarily because they were very clear about their beliefs in naps and firm about following through with enforcement—the key to getting toddlers to follow any parents’ rules.

Ambiguous feelings, guilt pangs, and hesitation cause parents to be inconsistent in their directions to their children which leads to their inability to manage their toddlers’ rest time.

Parents need to explore some options until they find a napping solution that’s comfortable for their children and themselves.

[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’]https://twinsmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/icon.jpg[/author_image] [author_info]Janet Gonzalez-Mena was a teacher of early child education at Napa Valley College in Napa, California.  She was co-author of the book Infancy and Caregiving and is the mother of five children.[/author_info] [/author]

The post To Nap or Not to Nap? appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Thump.  I remember that sound as plain as day—the sound my son made when he climbed out of his crib for the first time.  He managed the feat easily, swinging both of his feet over the bars of his crib, dropping or slithering down the side, and landing without hurting himself.

But the thump I heard was definitely him hitting the floor.  I leapt at the sound and met him at the door of his room, as he came waddling toward my bedroom with a big grin on his face.  “Free at last!” his smile said to me.

Climbing out of the crib is a big moment for tots and the end of an era for their parents.  With their newfound freedom, twins can’t just be put to bed and be expected to stay.  So what do parents do when cribs can no longer contain their toddler twins?

Beyond the Crib

For some parents, this event prompts a move to “regular” beds.  Other parents continue to use the cribs, but leave the sides down, so it is not so dangerous for them to climb out.  Other take out the crib mattresses and put them on the floor so the danger of climbing is eliminated.  Cribs can be used for years—but most parents get rid of baby furniture long before their children reach kindergarten.

Replacing the furniture is the easy part.  The hard part is getting children to sleep when they are no longer physically confined.  If the going-to-sleep routine has been fairly easy all along, the lack of confinement probably won’t create problems once the children get used to the change.  But children who fight bedtime or have trouble settling down can make things hard for parents once they find themselves with freedom from crib bars.  What do parents to then?  It may take a period of constantly and patiently hauling the wandering child (or children) back to bed every time they get out.  It may seem to take forever, but most parents find that if they are consistent, their children do eventually learn to stay in their beds.

Some parents find that it helps to put their children to sleep in a very routine way at the same time every night so the children are used to the regularity.  Others look for signs of sleepiness and put them down then.  Both the by-the-clock parent and the on-demand parent may use a bedtime ritual designed to settle the children down and give them the message that it’s sleeping time.  Usually, rituals are created jointly by parent and children and may include music and a story.  But they may vary, even within the same family.  “Tickie!” demands Shelby, thrusting a foot in her mother’s face. Since she learned to climb out of her crib at about age 18 months, she’s found she can enjoy her mother for a longer period of time in the evening.  Now she’s allowed to stay up a bit after bath, jammies and tooth brushing so she can snuggle on the couch.  When she asks for her foot massage, it means she’s starting to get sleepy.  Her mother knows the pattern well and scratches the sold of her daughter’s foot until she notices Shelby start to play with her fingers, stroking them very gently—always an indication that it’s time for sleep.  Her mother gets up and puts her into her bed, and then sits with her a short time, scratching her feet until Shelby, predictably, drops off.

Amanda, on the other hand, who hasn’t yet learned to climb out of the crib, snuggles nightly with her daddy and a special blanket while her twin sister, Shelby is getting her “tickie”.  IT’s easy to put her into bed after the snuggle because she goes right to sleep with her thumb and her “blankie” to help her along.  She has her own comfort devices and doesn’t need adult help usually, though she does enjoy a foot massage, too, now and then.

Children have their own ways of getting to sleep.  For a few children, it’s easy.  All they have to do is get into a horizontal position when tired, and their eyes close just like a doll.  But most need more than a horizontal position. Many have developed self-soothing skills.  Shelby strokes her fingers; Amanda sucks her thumb.  In addition, Amanda has a comfort device—her “blankie”.  Other common comfort devices are special pillows or stuffed animals.

Toddler twins who have slept in separate cribs may choose to sleep together once they can get to each other.  If this arrangement is disruptive to the children’s sleep or is otherwise not in the children’s best interest, parents may choose to teach their twins to sleep apart through gentle training and constant insistence that they get back in their own beds.

To Share or Not to Share

Once toddlers have the ability to climb into their parents’ bed on their own, many will often do so.  If parents want to keep their bed a “no-kid-zone,” then it’s important for them not to be wishy-washy about this rule.  Bedtime conflicts can trigger enormous power struggles if parents become too “heavy-handed” when dealing with their toddler twins.  It’s important that when parents put their children back to their own beds, they reassure them that they’re not being abandoned.  The children need to know that the parent is still close by.  It may take continual reassurance and reminders on the part of the parent, however, before children finally soothe themselves and fall asleep.

Problems getting toddlers to bed and keeping them there often have more to do with parental attitude than the techniques they use.  A parent who has been gone all day may have some internal conflict about making his children go to bed instead of spending time with them.  Even though this parent may be firm about bedtime, the children pick up on his ambivalence and react to it by resisting sleeping.  The parents who have the easiest time getting children to sleep are those who are sensitive to their children as individuals and are clear about their need for sleep.

It becomes especially difficult to deal with bedtime when toddlers are over-tired.  An evening out can disrupt sleeping schedules and make bedtime extra hard.  Or if parents miss the signals that it’s time to put a child to bed, they may find that he has gotten wound up and may be hard to settle back down.

Some children stay up until they drop from exhaustion because no one reads their earlier cues.  Timing is critical when it comes to putting children to bed.

Persistence is also important.  A firm but gentle insistence on “back in bed” is the way to deal with the questions, “What do I do when they learn to crawl out of their cribs?”

Keeping them Cozy in their Cribs

• Be kind but firm.  When they get up, insist that they go back.  Escort them if they don’t go on their own.
• Be clear in your own mind that bed is where you want them.  If you’re ambivalent, they’ll know it.
• Make a bed a place where they’re used to sleeping. It helps if they know when they climb in what they’re supposed to do there.  Don’t use beds for punishment!
• If the environment doesn’t already say “sleep”, consider ways you can transform it.  Create a peaceful atmosphere by lowering the light and eliminating noise.  Soft music can help.  Put toys out of sight as much as possible.
• If you don’t already have one, create a bedtime routine that includes an unwinding period and takes individual needs into consideration.
• Encourage self-soothing skills.  The more that each child can calm himself, the easier your job will be when it comes to bedtime.
• Some children settle down better with a heavy blanket on top of them.  Try this and any other safe “tucking in” measure, like putting covers tightly around them, to reassure them that they’re safe and cozy in their cribs

The post The Toddler Transition from Crib to Bed appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Think about it… this is a fantastic and amazing statement!  It’s a proclamation that we should all hold dear, a mantra we should all live by, a motivational statement we should tell ourselves each and every day… especially during those unfortunate times when we aren’t at our “perfect Pinterest, parenting best!”  “Parenting doesn’t get easier, it just gets better!”

I know there have been plenty of times over the years I have not made the best choices in how I resolve conflict and parenting challenges.  I can even remember times I probably should have given myself a “time-out” by locking myself in my room and comforting myself with chocolate… but there were also plenty of times where I was beaming with pride when one of my boys did something positive, productive and non-life threatening!

You see… parenting does not get easier, BUT…it does gets better.  Just when you think you have mastered one age and stage; they move onto the next one and you’re off, having to adjust and learn a new way to handle the hurdles and challenges that inevitably will come your way.

All of these issues that arise are not easier to deal with (like wiping poop off the walls after they ripped off their diapers and threw them until they stuck issue); but these challenges just get better as you go… trust me… MUCH better than that!

Whether you are pregnant with your twins and need information about what to expect, you’re in the thick of midnight feedings, colic and teething or you’re preparing your twins for potty training, all of these parenting milestones are as important for them (children) as they are for us (parents.)

I will tell you that you really do feel such a sigh of relief and a huge sense of accomplishment when they begin to crawl, walk, talk and feed themselves.  Each age and stage they reach you get to learn more about your parenting style and you get to know your children much better and who they REALLY are.

This is not easier, either, but it IS… better.

When you are met with a challenge and face it head-on, you will find that you are much more confident and capable at parenting and ready to tackle anything then you ever thought you were… (Especially when your friends with singletons look at you in ‘awe’!)

So as your children move through each stage so will you as a parent!  Just as they master each skill, you will, too!  And just when you think that this difficult phase they are in will ‘never’ pass, it will, and you will move on to the next difficult phase and so on and so on…

Once you master this stage, you will then be ready to move onto the next one (running in separate directions phase!)  You’ve got this! So be brave and venture out into the world with your infant twins and prove to yourself and others how strong you really are… and allow yourself to breathe in the fresh air of life!

When you are in the thick of it all… just keep telling yourself: “Parenting doesn’t get easier, it just gets better!”

The post Parenting doesn’t get easier, it just gets better! appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Few things can make a parent’s heart skip a beat like the sight of fresh teeth marks in skin. What makes toddlers bite, anyway, and what can you do about it? Parenting books and experiences parents agree that biting incidents usually start sometime soon after teething and peak at 15 to 18 months when toddlers have teeth but don’t yet have the verbal skills they need to express themselves easily. The book Positive Discipline A to Z, revised and expanded 2nd edition: From Toddlers to Teens, 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems by Jane Nelson, Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen Glenn (Prima Publishing, 1999) explains that “children who bite often do so when they become frustrated in social situations and do not know how to express themselves in acceptable ways. Children also may bite their parents and think it’s a game.”   Stuart Kirsch of Middleborough, Mass., had that problem with twins Jason & Rina. “Jason would bully and push Rina around, and her response was to bite back.” At least they kept a sense of humor. “We used to joke that when it was time to go to the dentist we’d only have to take Jason because the dentist could see the imprint of Rina’s teeth on his arms.” If one or more of your children has started expressing themselves through biting, you may be tempted to bite back, but here are some better ideas to get you through this challenging stage.

Watch for Warning signs and plan ahead

You can probably tell when your child is getting frustrated or on the edge of crankiness. It’s helpful to try to notice in advance when a biting incident may occur. Terry Kusche of Loudonville, NY, knows exactly what sets of her 16-month-old twins Sean & Matthew: frustration or fatigue. And she knows why. “The biting came on as a response to not being able to verbalize anything. Matthew would bite Sean when they are behind a [baby] gate and cannot get to me or one twin when the other has a toy he wants. Matthew will generally bite first because he gets frustrated more easily.”  Think about how you can keep your children from becoming frustrated and over-stimulated. If they are in a crabby mood, maybe this is not the day to make them share their toys or wait too long for your attention. In What to Expect in the Toddler Years by Arlene Eisenberg, Heide E. Murkoff and Sandee E. Hathaway (Workman Pub, 1996) suggestions are given for curbing aggression: Supervise your toddlers’ play closely, take breaks each day for quiet time, avoid intense one-on-one play during your children’s most tired time of day and provide acceptable outlets like running, jumping, dancing, or even pillow fights for that pent-up energy.

Kushe has learned a few things about planning ahead. “I have found if I keep the kids busy they are less likely to bite. My boys are very physical children, so they like to be very active. It helps to vary their days with outside time, errand and shopping time, and indoor time so they don’t get bored or stuck on the same things, which I have found leads to their getting frustrated more quickly. Toys that they seem to fight over I have two of, but this is not always a solution because they will still want the other’s toy, even if it is the same.” Because Kusche knows how to predict a biting incident at her house, she can often stop it before it happens. “With a close eye” she says, “I can get through the day bite free.”

Look for the good side of your kids

It’s especially important for parents of multiples to avoid labeling one child good and the other bad, even though one child is usually the aggressor against the other. If you react too intensely, the aggressor may continue biting just to get your attention. In the words of radio psychologist Dr. Joy Brown, “Children would rather be praised than punished, but they would rather be punished than ignored.” Make sure you are giving positive attention to the easily frustrated child, praising things he does that you like. Don’t wait until he hurts the other child to offer one-on-one time with you. And don’t gush offer the injured child excessively, lest he take on the role of martyr and cause even more conflict in the long run.

Be consistent with consequences

When a biting incident happens, you need to be prepared with a response that is predictable and rational. Erin McKelvie of Cary NC had a problem with her daughter Emily frequently biting her twin brother Eric. “The biting began soon after they turned 1 and lasted for many anguished months,” she says. “Battles over toys or books were usually the trigger. I tried time-outs and they struck out. Eventually, I followed our pediatrician’s advice. I sympathize with the victim and remove him from the room, thereby isolating the aggressor. When Emily bit her brother, I firmly told her Eric and I could not play with her when she was biting.”  What to Expect in the Toddler Years offers similar advice: “Focus your immediate attention on rescuing the victim rather than admonishing the perpetrator.” Once the victim has been reassured, turn your attention to the biter. “Calmly, and without anger, explain briefly that the behavior is unacceptable, and why.” McKelvie’s advice to parents of a biter is similar. “Tell the aggressor that it’s okay to be angry but try to use works, like that perennial toddler favorite- NO!– before baring teeth to resolve the argument.”

Just remain calm

If you have ever caught yourself throwing a book across the room in anger or slamming a plate down on the table- and who hasn’t- you understand frustration. You also know that is not the way to encourage rational behavior in children, so try to apologize soon afterward and explain that you were frustrated and your behavior was inappropriate. In the same way, when your child bites, an angry or violent response from you does not get across the message that aggressive acting out is wrong, it could backfire by encouraging more of the same. McKelvie received some misguided advice of that type. “Just bite her, urged her own mother. ‘Shove a bar of soap in her mouth,’ advised a friend. I dismissed both ideas as too violent or too radical. What kind of role model would I be if I bit or tortured my child?” Dr. Benjamin Spock agrees, writing in Baby and child-care (Pocket Books, 1998); “Parents can control their children better by staying in charge as a friendly boss than by descending to her age level to battle with bites, slaps, or shouts.”

With patience and word, not anger, Lisa Edwards of Fargo ND was able to solve biting by her identical twins, Tyler and Chad, now 4 years old. “I tried everything in the book from spanking, which didn’t work, to time-outs, which only worked sometimes. They always seemed to bite one another when they fought over a toy, which was pretty often. It used to drive me nuts! I would always tell them that biting hurts, and then I would make them hug and comfort each other, and I would take away whatever they were fighting over. To this day, when one sees he has hurt his twin of they realize they have hurt each other, they comfort and hug one another without my encouraging them to do it. It makes me so proud that at such a young age they have learned how to be concerned and how to show affection toward each other.”

Remember that time heals all wounds

Eventually, Kirsh’s 2-year-old Rina got over her urge to bite her twin Jason. Her dad Stuart explains, “Stern rebukes and the occasional three-second time-out helped some, but she just seemed to outgrow the phase, as Jason did with is bullying.” McKelvie had the same experience. “We finally licked our biting problem with the only surefire method: time. Emily simply grew out of it. Most importantly, she gained language and could express her anger more effectively. I knew she had been biting out of frustration. Emily and Eric are 2 ½ now and I am happy to say the biting episodes are over, hopefully forever.”

Keep talking to your children, help them learn to talk about their feelings and take a few deep breaths. Eventually, like so many other stages, this too shall pass. Before you know it your twins will be running to you with a long list of complaints about the other’s behavior- but at least they’ll be using their mouths in a more constructive way.

Laura Sky Brown of Ann Arbor, Michigan is a part-time editor and mother of three, including boy/girl twins.

The post CHOMP! 5 Tips for Biting Twins appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

We asked: What is one lesson you think every parent of twin toddlers should know? 

Your responses were outstanding. We got humor, valuable tidbits of parenting advice, and everything in between. 

Here are some of our favorites:

“Doesn’t matter if you have two of everything, they will still want what the other one has. Be patient! Address them as individuals and start treating them as such, not referring to them as the twins. Their personalities are beginning to shine through and they need to be treated as individuals, just as any other child would. Good luck!“ – Donna Smith 

“You think you have things out of their reach, you DON’T. Move it higher than you can reach! They will use each other as step stools to get to what they want! (Tops of tables, countertops, bookshelves, Christmas trees, sinks to play in the water) They’ll wait until you absolutely can’t hold it and have to potty to wait to do it, and THEY ARE FAST!” – Katrina Waldron Rummler 

“Teach them “my turn” instead of “mine.” This is a lesson some people never learn and it’s practically built into a twin’s vocabulary! Embrace this blessing and they will be ahead of the class in kindergarten.“ – Lana Shoaf

“Spend time with each child alone. Even if it’s just a walk. Continue [to do it] as they get older – especially the teen years.”  – Maria Losquadro-Mazza 

“Always make sure that they each have their own birthday cake. We celebrate together (and my niece who shares a birthday with my twins), but they always get their own cake. (This advice was given to me from a twin mum)” – Samantha Attard

“I loved this stage with my twins, I used to spend lots of time outside with them and going to indoor playgrounds and playgroups and allowing them to socialize with others than just their siblings. My husband and I used to separate them as well, so they got used to being by themselves – so when they went to school and one child got sick and one didn’t they wouldn’t feel alone and be ok at school. My twins will be 17 and it was the best things I chose to do for my twins.” – Roxanne Doucette-Huntley 

And a piece of advice that no parent of multiples should ever forget: 

“Just love them! Hard days will pass (This is true for any child, singleton or otherwise).” – Jasmyn Goulet O’Brien

Thanks to all of our readers who shared their thoughts on what parents of twin toddlers need to know.

The post What parents of twin toddlers need to know appeared first on TWINS Magazine.