Many of those procrastinators are busy parents like yourselves with neverending daily to-do lists on top of regular parenting tasks, including preparing meals, school drop-offs, bedtime routines, and other activities. It’s no wonder some parents find themselves at the toy store on Christmas Eve wrestling another panicked parent for the last Hatchimals surprise egg.

The holiday season is kicking off earlier and earlier. As soon as those Halloween decorations come down, parents’ stress levels go up. If you haven’t started your holiday shopping yet, here are 10 things you’re missing out on by not shopping early.

1. The Twelve Months of Deals

It’s a misconception that retailers offer their best deals closer to Christmas. The fact is, you can find fantastic deals all year round with a little strategizing of what and when to buy. Black Friday, for instance, offers some of the lowest prices of the year on tons of items. It’s especially a good time to buy electronics (like that 65-inch TV dad has been talking about ever since the neighbors Super Bowl party, which he says ruined regular TVs for him forever.)

If you’re looking to buy winter clothes, including coats, sweaters, and matching jammies, you’ll save more money shopping in January when retailers are under pressure to clear out all the leftover winter inventory before spring. The same goes for other seasonal items such as bikes. It’s best to shop right before the stock for the new season hits shelves.

2. Shopping around on a Christmas spree

Last-minute holiday shopping can feel like a mad dash. Hurds of people rushing from store to store, scrambling to find ANY gift – never mind the perfect one. It’s the reason you end up being the gift recipient of a creepy cat clock, which you now have to re-gift to your child’s teacher because you also waited too long to shop  It’s a vicious cycle that can easily be broken by beating the holiday rush. When the clock is ticking (no pun intended), people tend to grab whatever is leftover.

You can be a confident and money-savvy gifter when you take the time to shop around. Browsing gift guides for inspiration is a great place to start. You’ll also have the opportunity to price match to make sure you’re getting the best bang for your buck.

3. All The Christmas Stockings!

The closer you shop to Christmas Eve, the more you begin to feel like you’re in one of those post-apocalyptic movies, hunting and scavenging nearly empty store shelves for supplies.

But in this case, it’s Lego, because the 500 pieces that currently occupy your living room floor, some of which are now permanently embedded in your feet, aren’t enough.

Shopping earlier or during times of the year when items are at their peak season guarantees there will be plenty of stock to choose from.

Tip: Subscribe to the mailing lists of your favourite stores to get early access to specials and even exclusive deals right to your inbox. This ensures you’re one of the first in line to scoop up the item as soon as it goes on sale and before it goes out of stock.

4. It’s not just the weather outside that’s frightful

If you’ve ever tried doing hot yoga in a snowsuit while balancing several heavy bags of rocks in each hand and a coffee on your head, that’s what shopping in the wintertime feels like. Walking around the mall with all those layers on –puffy coats, sweaters, scarves, and mitts– plus all the shopping bags is exhausting to even talk about. And that’s if you can even make it there through all the snowstorms.

Not having to shop in the winter means fewer layers and nicer weather conditions to contend with. You also don’t have to worry about stores and banks suddenly closing because of bad weather. Besides, it’s much easier to push a full shopping cart when you’re not having to plow through 5-feet of snow across the entire parking lot while your kids scream in your ear to go faster. We call this shopping move “the downward sled dog.”

5. Shopping in your pajamas

Many parents don’t have time to shop in-store during the holidays. Did we mention that parents are busy? I mean we eat 156 meals a year standing up for goodness sake! Seriously, there was a study about it and everything. The alternative is shopping online. 

Online shopping is the most convenient way to purchase gifts because you can do it from anywhere at any time from your mobile device. Product selection is often better online, with additional styles and colours to choose from.

You can conveniently have gifts shipped directly to your house for a small fee or to the nearest store for free. Make sure to double-check each retailer’s website for shipping deadlines as they may vary.

6. Rocking the ship out of Christmas

If you have gifts to ship, getting your shop on early guarantees you won’t be scrambling to get everything delivered by Christmas or get stuck using couriers and paying expensive priority fees. You can take advantage of free shipping at some retailers like Amazon and eBay when you shop ahead of the busy holiday period. You’re also prepared if the post office inconveniently goes on strike, which could cause delivery delays.

Make sure to check out the shipping deadlines for retailers and the post office so they can ship those pants out early or you’ll be shipping your pants come December 22nd.

7. No cuts, no buts, no crowds going nuts

The worst aspects of holiday shopping are undoubtedly the large crowds and endless lineups. It’s amazing what people are willing to do for a deal, like camping out for days in the blistering cold huddled next to strangers, making small talk while discreetly relieving themselves in a urine bag. If this isn’t how you want to spend your holidays, get to the stores before the Christmas season starts, even before Black Friday.

Shopping during the retail off-season means no queues or angry mall mobs to fend off or customers next to you eyeballing your shopping cart. Let’s not even talk about parking. Get your shopping done during non-holiday periods and we promise you’ll be in and out of the store faster than you can say Happy Hour.

8. Gifting like Santa and saving like Scrooge

The most wonderful time of the year often turns into the most expensive time of the year for most families. Never mind buying gifts for friends, relatives, teachers, the mailman, and the dog, but there’s also the food, the drinks, the parties, and the travel expenses. Hmm, starting to see things from Scrooge’s perspective.

The benefit of shopping early or slowly throughout the year is that you can spread out your expenses into more manageable funds. Make the effort to put together a budget at the beginning of the year, or at the very least, the beginning of the season. Setting spending limits for gifts and additional holiday expenses is also a good idea. All of these steps can help save you time, money, and stress.

9. Saying Yes to No Stress

Nothing turns someone into a Grinch faster than the stress of the holidays. The key is to be organized and have a plan of attack. Otherwise, you will be stuck on Christmas Eve running around like a chicken with your head cut off at the grocery store, and ironically, holding a couple of frozen chickens because the grocery store ran out of turkeys.

There’s a reason why your annoying friend, the one who hums Christmas carols in July and has her gifts wrapped and under the tree by November 1st, is so happy and cheery all the time. She doesn’t have to step foot in a store during the holidays! Imagine how great it would be to have all your holiday shopping done early this year? You can sit back with your glass of wine, binge-watch Christmas movies all night, and still have time to move the stupid Elf on the Shelf before the kids wake up.

10. More time for fun and family

With the shopping out of the way, you’ll have more opportunity to spend with your loved ones and do all the Hallmark Christmas stuff you never get to do, such as roasting chestnuts on an open fire! Even though you’re allergic to nuts, you’re doing it anyway because people sing about it and you have time now. And you can send out Christmas cards with an adorable photo of your family in matching reindeer pajamas. Finally, you can rub your holiday happiness in everyone else’s face!

Turns out your holiday-obsessed friend and those retail Christmas creeps were on to something after all. The key to enjoying the holidays is actually getting to enjoy the holidays. Who knew? So give yourself the gift of shopping early this year so you can spend more time with the people you care about instead of a bunch of salty strangers ready to rumble over $2 bath towels.

Melanie Gibson is a Canadian comedy writer and spokesperson known for her razor-sharp wit and dry/sarcastic humour. When she’s not writing, you can find her in the ‘hood, fighting off invisible bad guys with her two sidekicks (sons, ages 1 & 3) and rescuing wine trapped in bottles.

Twitter: @sugarwits |  Instagram: @sugar.wits |  Facebook

The post 10 Things You’re Missing Out on by Not Shopping Early this Holiday Season appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Twins and then some

As all twin parents know, this isn’t a walk in the park. This twin parenting stuff requires prowess, strength, resilience and a good sense of humour. For some of us though, there’s an additional spike in the daily workload and pressure of life. Bringing twins into a house with other kids is not for the faint-hearted. It’s a phenomenally challenging job, one that requires planning, compromise and on many days, a simple smile and graceful acceptance of defeat.

I hope this provides some practical, achievable tips for coping with the extra pressure the school year brings.

New term, new promises, new realities

As the leaves turn golden and the nights grow cooler, the new school year offers the annual promise of new beginnings and hope to parents. This is the year we won’t miss a beat, we’ll make school on time every day, we’ll never forget a pack up, a trip or a test. They’ll be tumble free, drama free, without angst or fear. We will greet our happy, confident, curious kids every day and hear their bright and brilliant stories of the adventures school brings. And most importantly, we will meet all their needs. They won’t be compromised by the addition of twins. They won’t resent the time the twins take up but instead see the joy in every step of this journey.

Yeah. Good luck with that. As Halloween approaches, for many of us moms of multiples, the wheels are already falling off of that rosy outlook. Last night it took all my strength to smile as I was trying to help my 9-year-old with his mental arithmetic homework. Dusting off my rusty old brain cells was a sizeable enough task. Throw in bouncing a baby on one knee, using the other leg to keep another from eating the biscuits in the dog bowl and trying to show appropriate praise for my 5-year-old daughters homespun (and incredibly loud) production of The Greatest Showman… well, come on. Seriously. Is this for real?

Somehow as ever, we all survived. Despite some slight friction and debate, in the end, each child got from their A to their B. Everyone was fed, washed and snuggled up in bed. Albeit some more compromised than others.

So today we regroup. We revisit some of the self-taught mantras that help in times of stress. We accept that we must have rough with the smooth. We remember that we are warriors. We were given this job because we can champion it. We remember that with a little planning and thought, we can show them all our affection. Most of all we remember that love will out.

If you wake some days with a faint fear of what lies ahead, try some of these simple coping techniques.

Here are 7 tips for coping with school and twins

1. Schedule a 30-minute end of day prep time

At the end of every day, no matter how bad that last shift went, you need to reboot and get organised for tomorrow. Give yourself every head start possible for the following day.

 Make sure you have their timetables and homework schedules on the fridge. Check what kit, homework and ‘stuff’ you’re meant to have lined up by the front door.
 Make any packed lunches before bed.
 Get your own clothes out for the next day. You can calmly control your decisions when everyone has gone to bed. Getting your head around a simple thing like what to wear can make a huge difference in your confidence and starting attitude for the day.

 Lay their clothes by their doors and get each child their own hook in the hallway, making sure their hats, shoes, bags are ready to scoop up as you leave.
 Check and reload your baby bag. Get baby clothes, nappies, any baby equipment ready to go with the older children’s gear.

Don’t take more than 30 minutes over this. You can do it. Tidy, organise, prepare and then stop.

2. Give yourself permission

Give yourself permission to take some smart shortcuts. You will be forgiven for cheating on the home-made bread, cakes and flapjacks for a while. You can punch in name labels rather than sew. You can skip sending your donations to the cake bake this term. You can lean on friends for a lift to school.

Give yourself permission to be less than perfect for a while, to take a helping hand and to opt out from things from time to time.

3. Spot gaps and make changes

If you step back and take a practical, dispassionate look at the separate processes in your day, it’ll be easier to see those that are working and those that need improvement. Remove the emotion from the equation and work out all the processes involved in getting from the start of the day to the end. This may include the school run, feeding the babies, taking the dog out, running the grocery errands, picking up from school, running to clubs etc. We all have our ways of getting things done, some of which will be working well, some which are barely functioning and some which just go to pot every day.

Take a solution-based approach and work out how to plug the gaps. Nothing needs to be permanent because let’s face it, once you’ve got it nailed, a logistic will change, a club will be added to the list or a child will U-turn on you for no expected reason. However, think about the here and now and what you need to do to make each process function best.

Do you have friends with teenage children who could help you with a homework buddy system for an hour a day, or mind one child while you run another to a club? Can you throw your dog on a neighbour’s dog walk for a little while or take the stroller with you for the dog walks? Can you get a friend to do pick up on allotted days? Can you swap dinner times with a friend so that you both gain from a child-free window when your schedule needs it?

Try it, make a few tweaks so that you can even out the load and operate more efficiently.

4. Create daily 1 on 1 time

It’s a fact you are acutely aware of, but every child in the mix needs you, and they need you in different ways. It’s easy to focus on those who shout the loudest, taking the path of least resistance and getting by in whatever way you can. But if you make a promise to give each of the big ones just 10 or 15 minutes before bed, you can rest easy that you’re giving them real quality you time.

Ask them what the best part of the day was. Ask them what tomorrow is going to bring and what they look forward to. Allow them to release the harder parts of every day before bed and recap on what makes life interesting and inspiring.

They won’t clock the time you spend but they’ll find comfort in the consistency of you always saving a little bit of energy and space for them.

5. Don’t throw money (or sugar) at it

It’s easy to feel sorry for the big ones, to get a sense that you are not playing enough, not listening enough, not interesting or even awake enough. But don’t let the guilt lead you to an unhealthy place where you take shortcuts to show you care. You are a good parent; you can make time and you do care. Don’t feel the need to throw more toys or sugary treats to maintain the love, affection and favour of your children.

Kids are resilient. Be consistent and keep good strong values or you’ll spoil them and need to honour this exchange and materialism for a (very) long time.

6. Don’t compare yourselves to others

Everyone else’s lives seem simpler right now. Do not make comparisons, it’ll crush you! You need to get focused on your own shizzle and leave the other parents to it.

I’ve often made the mistake of reading the banter on the school mom group chat and feeling bad about myself. Parents with fewer children have more time to review and debate the issues surrounding their children. They can chit-chat (seemingly endlessly!) about what to put in the school snacks, what to wear on the trips and compare notes on reading levels.

Don’t get sucked into the detail or you’ll end up resenting their space and forcing yourself into a low ebb. Parenting twins is what it is. It’s busy, it’s hard, but it’s also brilliant and rewarding. Just keep afloat and don’t listen to any external chat that can take you off you’re A-game.

7. Pause, smile and reflect

Above all else, take a moment every day to smile about your beautiful brood. Think about the funny things they said and the little quirks they have that make them special. Most people haven’t got a clue about how tough a gig this is. But don’t forget that soon, these bonkers, crazy, muddled up, messed up days will become the ‘the good old days – the moments you struggle to recall a bunch of years from now. One day our hearts will ache to be this important, this busy and this loved.

Remember to reflect and save a little praise for yourself. You are doing a great job. You are a champion. Keep at it tiger, tomorrow is and always will be another fresh day.

About the Author

[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’]https://twinsmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/icon.jpg[/author_image] [author_info]Laura O’Shaughnessy is a mother of four, including one-year-old twin girls. She writes about family, food, society, and life. She lives with her family and faithful sheepdog in Yorkshire, England. https://lauraoshaughnessy.wordpress.com/[/author_info] [/author]

The post Tips for coping with twin babies and school-age siblings appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Also Read: 5 tips to advocate for your children’s education

How can I help support my child’s education?

Listen to the teachers and share your own expectations for the school year. Your twins’ success rely on a strong sense of respect and partnership between all of the people involved in their education.

What is your homework philosophy?

Studies show that parents should be engaged in the process of learning at home, beyond simply monitoring whether or not the students are doing homework. Ask your kids’ teachers how you can best keep track of their progress on an ongoing basis, and how you can support their classroom learning from home.

What are the best ways for me to help in the classroom?

If you have the time, volunteers for class trips or fundraisers are always appreciated. Teachers are also always grateful for donations of supplies: tissue boxes, hand sanitizer, art supplies, and books are some things their classroom may need.

How do you prefer to be contacted?

Email, text, social media, oh my! With so many options available, please ask which method the teacher prefers for communication.

Open lines of communication between parents and teachers are essential to student success. You should understand a teacher’s preferred method of contact and use it often. It’s also important to respect boundaries while staying engaged. Your children will reap the benefits of a collaborative and supportive parent-teacher relationship.
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Any do’s and don’ts parents should know ahead of each of their twins’ parent-teacher conferences?

Do ask questions.
Do get involved.
Don’t feel overwhelmed or guilty if you have limited time.
Do explain your twins’ individual learning styles and any educational strengths and challenges they may have.
Don’t forget to listen to the teacher.

What should parents be doing to establish a good channel of communication with their twins’ teacher(s)?

Open lines of communication between parents and teachers are essential to student success. You should understand a teacher’s preferred method of communication and use it often. It’s also important to respect boundaries of communication while staying engaged.

What is the biggest challenge teachers face in the classroom?

Teaching is often a ratio of 1:30or higher. Having you involved puts one more person in the educator column. This is essential.

What happens at home has an immense, often underappreciated impact on a child’s ability to learn in the classroom. Establishing morning and evening routines, getting enough sleep, feeding the kids a healthy breakfast and lunch, and making sure they aren’t stressed when they arrive at school are all invaluable.

How can parents best use what they learn during parent-teacher conferences to help each of their twins?

Follow through on what you discuss with the teacher. So often, parents receive a lot of handouts and information and file it away in a drawer, never to be visited again. It’s important for you to apply what you learn at parent-teacher conferences to understand how your kids are performing now and how to support future learning.

Hilary Scharton is the Vice President of K-12 Product Strategy for Canvas, the open online learning management system (LMS) that makes teaching and learning easier. In her role, she sets the strategic vision for how Canvas makes its products even more awesome for students and teachers across the globe, while focusing on leveraging technology to support improved instruction and equitable access for all students.

The post 8 questions teachers wish parents would ask in Parent-Teacher conferences appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Multiple multiples? Where do you even start to count your blessings?

At the best of times, parenting is a challenge. Add several sets of children all going through the “terrible twos,” the “ferocious fours” or the troubled teenage years at the same time, and the thought is often enough to make someone go a bit crazy. Where do you find the strength and energy? What kind of support is available? How does your marriage survive when it seems that life is focussed on the children? How do you have a normal life, and what does a “normal” life even look like?

We sat down with two families in Canada’s Golden Horseshoe to discuss parenting multiple sets of twins, to learn what their lives are like, what unique challenges they deal with every day, and what advice would they give to other parents in the same parenting boat.

Multiples often run in families so news of expecting twins is not that surprising for some families. For Kim Tait of Oakville, the news that she was expecting a second set of twins wasn’t as surprising or shocking as you might think. She says, “I just knew. I think your brain prepares you for this type of shocking information. We weren’t trying for more kids, so when I got pregnant again, I knew it was (twins) and wasn’t surprised when they told me.” For Lyndsay Petican of Burlington, the news was taken pragmatically. “We were like yes, this is what we do! We make twins. We already had the infrastructure, like car seats, cribs, and highchairs,” she explains.

We asked both families what they did differently with each set, or wish they had. For the Taits, they agree they became smarter the second time around. “With the first set we both tried to be up all the time to feed them; we realized with the second set that it’s impossible. So, we split the night up, doing shift work. My husband liked staying up late so as soon as my older daughter went to bed, I’d go to bed and wake up at 4 a.m. and start my day then. The babies would eat around 2-3 a.m. and then again around 5-6am. Feeding two crying babies in the middle of the night on no sleep is no party, but we found a system and stuck with it. It became easier with time.” For Lyndsay she explains that she definitely has a different viewpoint on parenthood, perhaps as any second time parent might. She tries to remember that “everything is a stage, and where newborn twins is really hard, it too is just a phase.”

As her kids started school, Lyndsay is learning from her actions with her older girls. She kept her daughters together until grade one, and then had them separated in school, as they began wanting their own friends and experiences. She’s been thinking of separating her sons earlier so they can grow more independent.

If there’s any advice either family would have liked to have in advance of having their second set of twins, it would be, according to Lyndsay, to “just be kind to yourself, try not to fixate on what you can’t do, and enjoy the things that you can. It is really hard at the beginning but it pays off in dividends doubly later.” For Kim, she said knowing what to expect probably made things a bit worse. “I knew it was going to be insane, and it was. We had four little boys in diapers at the same time.”

Many couples struggle with maintaining the romance in their marriage once kids come along. We wondered if having not just one, but two sets of children, and maybe even a singleton or two in addition, changes this part of their relationship dramatically? Or, does it strengthen a marriage in ways other couples might not understand? According to Lyndsay Petican, “My husband and I work as a great team… we have to. We try to get alone time where we can by grabbing a breakfast date or a quiet cup of coffee before all the kids awaken. We found it was easier when I was working to meet for breakfast rather than going out for dinner. We had a lot of our date nights by just making dinner and hanging out. Once every couple of months we go out for dinner and every year we have a kid-free vacation to Vegas or Nashville to relax.”

Kim’s experience is a bit different. “I would be lying if I said it didn’t have an impact on our marriage; this is hard. We are both working full-time, I commute an hour and all the kids have activities, so we are running in different directions all the time. Our kids are still young, so they need us for a lot of things; for now, we divide and conquer and at the end of the day we are exhausted and start all over again the next day. We don’t have a lot of time to just sit and talk, but as they say, this is a season of life, it’s constantly evolving and changing. Date nights are a challenge too. They get expensive quickly as we tend to have to hire two people to watch the kids. Add dinner and a movie and the cost adds up. So we don’t get to do it much unfortunately.”

Self-care is an aspect of life that is challenging for all parents, but even more for parents of multiples. Lindsay says her children’s nap time is very important to her, she tries to work out during one of the nap times, and online shopping has become very important to her, in order to keep her sense of self sometimes.

Support from family and the community is also invaluable as parents of multiples sometimes feel isolated because they can’t find time for themselves or time to leave the house to run errands or take part in recreational programs with all their children. Both women agree that without either a nanny or family members to help out, life would most definitely be more challenging. Lyndsay explains that with her first set of twins she “hung around singleton moms and felt very sad about the activities that I didn’t feel I could manage on my own (i.e., swimming, hikes). I spent a good bit of time grieving the maternity leave that I thought I would have. On my second mat leave with my boy twins I hung out with a lot of twin mamas; we mostly hung out at other people’s houses to keep all of our kids contained and less stress-free.” For her own well-being, and so an outing wouldn’t end up in tears (either the children’s or her own) she stopped signing up for programs that she knew were going to be unsuccessful for their family dynamic. Lyndsay also had support from her Mother-in-Law who would watch the boys to allow her to leave the house by herself and run errands. That was a much-needed break.

For the Taits, who have no immediate family nearby and have full-time jobs that often require travel, a nanny was the only way they could survive. When the nanny wasn’t available or one of the parents was out of town, their kids became used to doing their homework at a sports arena while the other siblings had a hockey practice. “We just drag them all along,” she explains.

We wanted to know if there exists any extra government of community support for parents with multiples. Lyndsay explains that she joined a twin mom group and they were a great support during maternity leave. “Maternity leave with twins is not relaxing, a longer maternity leave of two years would’ve really been great as you only received one year (when I was on mat leave).” She recently began volunteering with the Halton Breastfeeding Connection to support new moms and new twin moms with breastfeeding. It’s her way of giving back. For Kim, she wishes there had been more financial support when they had to have two nannies. “There is a maximum we can deduct for childcare on our taxes; we have definitely exceeded that each year. I wish there was flexibility there!” They have, however, found some support with rEcess Oakville, a respite program that offers free care to children with disabilities and their siblings while their parents enjoy a night out once a month.

For all the joys that multiple multiples bring, there are of course, emotional challenges. As might be expected, for both women, finding individual time to spend with each child is difficult but much-needed. For Kim, who has an older singleton daughter, she especially tries to spend some alone time with her because she knows her daughter needs that alone time the most. Both women agree that finding quality one-on-one time with each child is what they have the most mom guilt about.

Every parent wishes they could bond equally with their kids. For parents of multiples, it can seem like a daunting or impossible pipe dream. Lyndsay’s advice to new parents of multiple multiples is “be kind to yourself. Some days one child is needier than the other and then the next day it changes. It will not always be fair and equal, but you try to do the best for those kids and their own temperaments.” For Kim, her family has its own challenges, as her two youngest twins both have special needs, so she realizes she must spend more time with them. Her son Zackery is on the autism spectrum and she expresses, “he has definitely taught me so much about humans in general. I thought I knew how to parent, but boy has he challenged me in absolutely every way. There are days where all our focus is on him. His twin has moderate to severe ADHD, so he is always very busy. I make a point of spending time with my daughter alone, but I know this is a constant challenge and I’m very aware of it.”

Aside from bonding and finding time for each child, what seems to be the biggest challenge of having multiple multiples? “The price of daycare for multiples is crippling,” says Lyndsay. It can be as much as a second mortgage. Kim explains for them, it’s time management and not having a big safety net. That frustration of the unknown from day to day, makes this really hard sometimes. It especially hits home when there are health emergencies and everything seems so overwhelming.

We wondered how their families are coping with the isolation and quarantine of Covid-19? Lyndsay admits, “So much togetherness time has the increased the sibling fighting. My kids are happiest when we go out on adventures, but with limited adventures and limited contact with friends, especially for my 10-year-olds, this has been especially difficult. But in many ways, it has been easier too. Lindsay explains, “Our mornings are way less hectic. We let the girls sleep in. We don’t have to rush to make lunches. My husband has been home to help a lot more as he hasn’t been travelling for work.” And Kim agrees, “I think there is where big families shine. I can kick them out into the backyard, and they all play together and can entertain themselves (and each other). I think having a single child might be harder than five!”

In conclusion, the greatest joy for both families is seeing how all their children interact and love each other. For Kim, who herself is an only child, she didn’t understand the dynamics of siblings before she had children. “Watching the five of them interact is fascinating to me. I love just sitting back and watching them work through something together without us intervening. My daughter being the oldest, tends to take charge and all four boys listen to her lead. I think she will benefit from this role in her own life. And certainly, for the kids to have each other once we are gone is reassuring.”

For parents of multiple multiples, life is definitely busy, crazy, fun, exhausting and so much more. It’s parenting, multiplied. It’s also blessings, multiplied.

The post Double Double – life with two sets of twins appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Congratulations! You will soon be part of an elite group of moms whose mothering experiences qualify them for the “Believe It or Not!” Club. Friends and family over the years will tell you that if they hadn’t seen it with their own eyes or heard it with their own ears, they wouldn’t believe you.

For example, to be rudely graphic, my identical twin baby boys used to fart at exactly the same time—no kidding. My mother-in-law and I would together bottle feed my infant boys and literally within seconds of each other, they would loudly pass gas. The babies were just weeks old, so this wasn’t a planned prank by mischievous male teenagers! (Though prepare yourself for this in the upcoming teen years.) My mother-in-law repeated this story to everyone, saying that if she wasn’t there in person, she wouldn’t have believed it.

Then there were the nights of the tag team crying episodes.

One infant would wake up crying in his crib, and either my husband or I would stagger into the nursery in the wee hours, pat the perpetrator back to sleep, and tiptoe slowly back to bed only—to have the other one start wailing. Hubby and I took turns, sometimes all night long. It took its toll on us physically to the point that we both looked like something the cat dragged in. Proof of this was when I ran into an old high school friend who took one horrified look at me and said, “Karen! What happened?!” My reply: “Twins.”

People may think that if you have identical twins, they will be alike in many ways. Sure they look exactly alike, but in other ways, it may not be even remotely true. For example, my boys are ‘mirror image twins.’ One’s a lefty and one’s a righty. One is a serious, less patient type, and the other is Mr. Easygoing, as evidenced in this early photo. They are going to be 40 years old this year, and this personality difference still holds true.

Also, prepare yourself for the sinister plots your toddlers come up with. They will conspire secretly and shock the heck out of you when you least expect it. For example, and to be graphic again, I learned to pee in 20 seconds or less because of the mischief they would get into whenever I closed the bathroom door behind me. The last straw was when I came out of the bathroom after a 20 seconds pee only to find one toddler standing on the dining room table reaching for the chandelier, and the other one climbing up on a chair to join him. Believe it or not, that was the last time I peed without an audience for a long time.

I will end this congratulatory message with a few interesting and heartwarming observations and synchronicities for you to be on the alert for as your twins are growing up:

• In elementary school, their differing personalities seemed to compliment each other when it came to making friends and fitting in with their classmates. Plus, living in a small home and having to share a bedroom and toys 24/7 helped them become expert negotiators and problem solvers among their friends.
• During the boys’ senior year in high school, I was at home suffering periodically from the extreme effects of chemotherapy. On my sickest days, one of them always seemed to ‘stop by’ on their lunch period to check on me… and they both claim that they didn’t plan it that way.
• Along those same lines, in their older years when they call to say hello to me, more times than not, they call within 5 minutes of each other, unaware that the other had called.

All in all, being a mom of twins has been the single best thing that ever happened to me in my life, gray hair and all!

I have a feeling you just might think so too! Keep your eyes open and your sense of humor ready for the “Believe It or Not!” moments… and welcome to the club!

The post What’s It Like to Raise Twin Boys? appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

Potty training… Now or later?  My husband and I agreed to delay answering that dreaded question until we heard from the experts.  Marriage and family therapist Nonie Bradley and certified parent educator Sherry Ittner, parents themselves, team-teach parenting classes in Southern California, including one on potty training, which they break down into six helpful steps.  And with potty training, as with much in the lives of twins, it’s two steps forward and one step back.

1)  Readiness

Each child is unique in this process.  “A key element,” Ittner says, “is bladder control: Is your child having longer intervals between diaper changes?”  Typically, girls show readiness between the ages of 2 and 2 ½ and boys by the age of 3.  That was the experience for Diane Aiken, of Encinitas, California, mother of boy/girl twins.  “My daughter had bladder control right away.” Aiken says, “But my son is taking a little longer.”  While the readiness of your child is primary, parental readiness should not be overlooked.  Aiken agrees, “One morning I woke up and decided I was ready to start the potty training process and we began.”

Bradley stressed the importance to parents of “owning their feelings” towards potty training because children are highly intuitive and often reflect their parents’ feelings.  “Get real clear on your attitudes before starting the next step, preparing,” Bradley cautions.

2)  Preparing

The preparing stage can start as early as 18-months because you are simply introducing the idea of using a potty.  Shop around and purchase a potty but, as Ittner suggests, “Introduce the potty gradually by letting your child explore.  Ask them if they want to sit on the potty, but if they say ‘no’, quit.  You and your child are still becoming comfortable with the idea and preparing for the next phase.

“At 18-months, a child learns through observation and imitating others, so parents and siblings are encouraged to model the behavior,” Ittner explains.

“Blake and Brent were much more interested in standing and going potty like their big brother than using the smaller potty,” says Shawn Homan, mother of fraternal twin boys in Oceanside, California. Twins can also model behavior for each other.  They see their twin use the potty and don’t want to be left out, so they try, too.  “The time involved in potty training twins,” Homan admits, “wasn’t cut in half, but it was much easier.”

3)  Step By Step

Even after preparing the groundwork, parents tend to fall into the trap of questioning their children.  “Do you want to stop wearing diapers?”  Instead, Joanna Cole, in her book Parents Book of Toilet Teaching, advocates making positive statements such as, “We think you are ready to stop wearing diapers and start using the potty.”

As with preparing your children and letting them explore the potty, underpants should also be gradually introduced.  It is important not to rush the process.  Set a date with your children and make positive statements.  Tell them:  “We are going to go shopping for some new underpants.”

“Include your child.” Cole recommends.  “Let them select their underpants.”  Also, be sure to buy underpants that are big enough to pull up and down easily.  Your twins will need about a dozen pairs each—in preparation for accidents.  After your twins select their underpants, don’t hide the new pants in a drawer.  Let your twins admire themselves in the mirror with their new underpants.

Kelly O’Connell of Seal Beach, California, recalls: “It was a big deal going to buy big boy underpants and big girl panties for my triplets.”  O’Connell laughs as she recalls, “The excitement didn’t end at the store—they showed them off to everyone!”

Next, lead them to the potty.  Use a positive statement, such as “Remember, you’re not wearing diapers now, so you’ll have to use the potty.”

As we discussed, however, you can lead a child to the potty but you can’t make him go.  Bradley recommends that parents relax and not panic.  Be ready for accidents and remind your child of the potty for the “next time.”

4)  Night Dryness

“Night dryness” develops later in most children because they are still working on control during the day.  Until your child has fewer daytime accidents and has developed greater bladder control, use a diaper for naptime and during the night.

Eventually, when your child is ready for a diaper-free night, prepare yourself.  Double-sheet the bed, avoid any drinks for your child one hour prior to bedtime and leave the potty in an accessible area.

5)  Learning Period

Potty training can be frustrating for parents because they are learning new techniques to teach their child, according to Bradley and Ittner.  From showing them how to pull down pants to friendly reminders like, “Let’s go potty.” Potty training is an entirely new arena for most parents.  Accordingly, Bradley advises that accidents will happen, with minor setbacks and periods of regression for the child and parent.

6)  Parental Attitudes and Behaviors

Bradley and Ittner stress the acceptance of feelings.  “Frustration or perfectionism,” Bradley says, “are feelings you wouldn’t want to transmit to your child.”

Parents and children are learning and developing new skills with each other.  Bradley reminds everyone, “Be gentle with yourself and your child.” Whether the topic is positive discipline or potty training, Bradley and Ittner encourage “firm and kind” parenting.  “Be kind out of respect for our children and firm out of respect for ourselves,” Bradley explains.

When a problem arises between parents on the “how-to-potty” approach, Bradley encourages parents to privately discuss the matter away from the children.  One approach is to use a code word that signals to your partner the need to talk.  One couple in one of their potty training classes offered their code word of “Bob” which stood for “Back off Buddy,” when a potty training issue arose. Most of the couples reported that jointly they form the “firm and kind” parenting approach, but individually each parent tended to be closer to one spectrum than sharing both characteristics.  While one tended to be firm, the other leaned towards being kind.

Bradley acknowledged the gifts both types of parenting offer.  A “firm” parent brings the gift of structure and boundaries and a “kind” parent bring the gift of love and patience.  Children need both these gifts.  “Create the balance of structure and boundaries, within an atmosphere of love and patience, and the children will thrive,” Bradley stated.

Since attending this class, my husband and I have been able to turn the question, “Potty train now or potty train later? Into a positive statement…  “We think now is the time and, in the team approach to potty training, unity works.”

Mary Billiter Thomas lives in Oceanside, California with her husband and identical twin boys.

The post Six Steps to Potty Training Your Pair appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

“I burst into tears when I thought I was holding one baby and then discovered that I was holding the other,” recalled Marlene Flanders. “I said to myself, ‘I’m their mother, and I can’t even tell them apart,’ I sobbed. I wondered how many times I’d had them switched.”

As Marlene and countless other parents of identical multiples know firsthand, telling identical apart can be a challenge for everyone—family, teachers, friends and multiples themselves.

“My gym teacher gets us mixed up, but I wish she’d call me by the right name,” said 10-year-old identical twin Andre Deutschlaender. Andy Nieman, 12, gets annoyed at misidentification, too. “When people at school—my teachers and friends—get us mixed up, I feel like they should know who I am,” he said. Andy and his co-twin, Adam, look alike, although they are fraternal twins.

It’s an accepted fact that not one likes to be called by the wrong name. “A name is a symbol of recognition of our identity, a mark of our sense of ourselves,” explained Susan Erbaugh, Ph.D., chief of psychology at Minneapolis Children’s Medical Center. “Our name stays with us from home to work, from childhood through adulthood. It defines our distinctiveness. Calling a child by the wrong name says, ‘I don’t know or care who you are,’ or ‘We want you to be somebody different.’”

Calling children by the wrong name also “scares kids and makes them man,” Erbaugh added. “As a child’s sense of identity is emerging, it’s upsetting when people say, in essence, that the child doesn’t have a distinct place or identity.”

Establishing a sense of self is doubly challenging for a child with a co-twin who looks just like him. Child development specialists tell parents that it’s important to help each co-twin develop a concept of herself as a distinct individual.

To aid that process, many parents have found that identification strategies can make it easier to correctly identify each twin and to avoid inadvertent mix-ups, even in the first few months of multiples’ lives. Those strategies also address an underlying fear many parents have of accidentally switching their infant twins’ identities permanently.

Marlene Flanders finally put an end to the distressing mix-ups of her twin boys by putting fingernail polish on one of baby Ryan’s toenails. Later, she had Ryan’s hair trimmed to a point in the back and Aaron’s hair squared off. Flanders takes care to call each by the correct name because, as she explained, “They correct other people, but they don’t expect their mother to blow it!”

Parents of identical twins tend to take each co-twin’s autonomy seriously. “Right from the start, I didn’t want to chance a mix-up,” said Robin Gale, whose identical girls are now 6-years-old. “My foremost through has always been that these are two children, two independent individuals. I had a jeweler make gold ID ankle bracelets inscribed with their names, and those bracelets never came off. We just expanded them as Alana and Kayla grew.

When Alana and Kayla were very young, Gale dressed them differently and always knew what outfit each was wearing. “But it was hard for my husband, so he painted fingernail polish on Kayla’s pinky fingernail,” said Gale.

Applying polish to one twin’s toenails or fingernails is an effective strategy, said parents who’ve used it. So is color-coding twin’ clothing.

“We didn’t have any plan when we brought our identical twins home from the hospital,” Karen Jenkins recalled. “So for the first two weeks we painted one of Laura’s toenails. Then we divided up all the clothes and gave Denise blues, purples and greens. Laura got pinks, yellows and reds. Now the girls (age 5) are in preschool, and the teachers really appreciate our color coding.”

Joan King, whose identical twins are now adults had an equally effective system: “I put brown shoes on Brian and black shoes on Bill…It was simple, and everybody knew who was who.”

Amy Keohane still uses a pink and purple color code to help people properly identify her 6-year-old identical twins.  Koehane noted that Jennifer and Andrea look more alike now than when they were babies.  Then, their heads were shaped differently, one had more hair, and one’s face was a little rounder.  Other parents of identical twins have also noted that as their twins grew, they came to resemble each other even more closely than they did as babies.

Parents often distinguish one child from her co-twin by differences in height and weight, face shape, shade of hair, beauty spots or birthmarks, pitch of voice, personality traits and mirror-image characteristics such an opposite handedness and cowlicks.  Dawn Stewart recalled that her infant daughter Megan had a darker complexion at birth than her identical co-twin, Lindsey.  A small scar above Lindsey’s eyebrow also served as an identity marker.

Penny Morin is grateful for the mirror-image cowlicks (which turn in opposite directions) possessed by her identical 5-year-olds, Jillian and Joleen, and for the differences in their voices.  “But from a distance, I have difficulty telling them apart until they speak,” she said.

Personal characteristics such as these can also help other people accurately identify each co-twin.  But it’s usually up to parents or the twins themselves to furnish outsiders with appropriate clues.  For example, the Morin twins’ aunt was frustrated in her attempts to tell Jillian and Joleen apart until Penny advised her to look at their cowlicks.

Most people can distinguish between identical twins if they take the time to be observant.  Andy and Adam Nieman help people identify themselves correctly by choosing different haircuts and clothing.  Robin Gale credits her twins’ nursery school teachers with paying close attention each morning to what Alana and Kayla are wearing  (they wear similar but different clothing that is not color-coded).

“But when Alana and Kayla started kindergarten,” Gale said, “I asked them if their teacher knew who was who, and they said, ‘No’ so I requested that the teachers determine which child is which each morning by observing differences in their clothing.  You can tell them apart when you pay attention, and I absolutely expect teachers to do that,” Gale said.

Many parents of identical twins wish that more people would make a point of noticing differences in clothing or features.  “Twins do get tired of being asked, ‘which one are you?’” said Karen Jenkins.

To encourage correct identification, parents can take teachers, relatives and friends aside and suggest ways to tell one twin from the other.  For example, a parent might ask to meet with a teacher privately in order to explain the family’s “system”: she could say, for example, “We’ve learned that it’s very important for twins to be identified separately and correctly, so at home we make it a point to never refer to our girls as ‘the twins’ and to always use their names.  We would really appreciate it if you would do that, too.”

Parents are advised to use discretion when clarifying distinctions between their co-twins.  It’s important not to inadvertently create comparative labels (such as “Jim is the shy one, and John is the outgoing twin”) and comparisons such as height and weight only hold up when twins are viewed together.  Color-coded clothing or a child’s individual characteristics, such as her hair style or her left handedness, are more likely to serve as effective indicators and are less likely to reinforce labeling.

Of course, identification strategies aren’t foolproof, and look-alike twins will inevitably be mistaken for one another sometimes.  It’s wise to help twins develop a coping strategy for confusion, counseled Erbaugh.  “You can let them know that you understand how hard it is to be mistaken for each other,” she said.  ‘“Doctors, lawyers and movie stars,’ you might explain, ‘want their names displayed on doors and want top billing.  They get upset if their name isn’t displayed.  When you are called your co-twin’s name, it’s like you are the star and someone has put the wrong name on the door!  That’s hard to take.’”

Parents should help their twins come up with tactful but assertive ways in which they might respond to confused teachers, classmates or even family members.  Erbaugh suggested that parents might tell each co-twin, “I know what’s special about you, and the rest of the world will, too, if we help them out a bit.”

A twin can be taught to explain to anyone who makes a mistake that he is John and not Jim, said Erbaugh.  He can also learn to furnish people with an identity clue, such as, “one way you can tell us apart is by our hair.  I part my hair on the left, and Jim parts his on the right.”

“I explained to Christopher and Andre that people make mistakes because the two of them look so much alike,” said parent Ruth Deutschlaender.  “I advise them to just say, ‘I’m Christopher’ or ‘I’m Andre’ when that happens.”

Andre said that’s exactly what he does when the occasion arises.  “You can tell us apart by our voices,” he also advised.  “We sound different.”  Penny Morin’s daughter Joleen the first-born of identical twins, got upset being called by her co-twin’s name.  So Morin capitalized on having another set of identical twins in the neighborhood to help Joleen understand why that happened.  “I asked her if she sometimes got our neighbor’s twins mixed up.  She said, ‘yes,’ so I told her, ‘That’s what happens when people mistake you for Jillian.’”

Ideally, parents and siblings function as role models by identifying and addressing each twin by name.  Parents who are conscientious about recognizing and reinforcing each twin’s identity can help twins avoid the resentment voiced by one adult at having been, “a twin, not an individual, always a part of a set rather than a complete person.”

Not all adult twins feel that way, however.  Beatrice Hawkinson and Bernice Lindberg, 71, love being twins.  About their younger days, Beatrice said, “Our last name was Gustafson,a d we both had the nickname ‘Gustie’ so we didn’t get called the wrong name.  Now, when people mistake me for Bernice, I just say, ‘Oh, I’m Beatrice, Bernice’s twin.’”

These adult identical twins feel enriched by their friendship, have never wished not to be twins, and handle identity mix-ups with a touch of humor.  “If someone I don’t know smiles at me in the grocery store, I smile back because otherwise, they’ll go and ask Beatrice why she was so stuck-up the other day,” chuckled Bernice.

A sense of humor helps twins live with the inevitable, occasional mix-up.  And yes, even moms and dads sometimes err and call one of their twins the wrong name.  Then, it’s reassuring to remember that even parents of singletons call their offspring the wrong name from time to time—and they don’t have a good excuse!

Alice M Vollmar of Minneapolis, Minnesota, is a freelance writer and the mother of six children, including boy/girl twins.

The post Who’s Who? Foolproof strategies for telling identical twins apart appeared first on TWINS Magazine.

I sat in a filled auditorium waiting for a lecture on “The Link Between Thinking and Feeling.” The lecturer did not begin on time due to problems with the slide projector. The minutes crept by, and the audience grew restless.

Finally, the speaker walked to the lectern and commanded “Slides!” to his assistant.

The lights went out, but nothing happened. Tension grew. A light flashed on the screen and quickly flickered out… darkness again. Suddenly there was a loud crash as if 100 slides had spilled out onto the floor. The house lights went on, revealing a distressed assistant in the back of the room.

But our attention turned back to the front when the lecturer threw his notes down and stomped into the wings. The audience gasped and held its collective breath. Before we could let it out, the lecturer returned to the podium and asked, “Well, how are you feeling, and have you learned anything yet?”

I got the point immediately. The emotional overtones of the session had completely obliterated anything I might have gained from his lecture. He gave us a firsthand demonstration on how emotional climate affects the ability to take in and understand information.

Think of toddlers in the bathtub faced with a furious parent trying to teach a lesson about keeping the water inside the tub. What lesson do the children remember? It’s hard to tell. Think of toddlers who live in a household where angry feelings between parents are the rule. How does it affect them? Even a little lesson like staying off the coffee table changes when emotional overtones in the house are present.

Of course, all parents get upset about their children’s behavior and about each other’s behavior sometimes. However, it’s good to be aware that these feelings affect learning. If you’re furious about what your child did to her co-twin, for example, let her know that you won’t allow that behavior – but wait until you calm down to help her understand the situation. If you’re upset about rough treatment of the cat, stop it – but save the lesson on how to pet the cat for when the emotional climate is right.

It’s not easy for parents of toddlers to continually create an emotional climate that is conducive to learning. Toddlers can challenge their parents in ways that trigger emotional responses in even the most mild-mannered person.

A big shock for me as a parent came when I discovered how different toddlerhood is from fantasy. Those sweet, innocent babes that just lie there become walking balls of fire once they get up on their feet. And by 2 years of age, there’s no stopping them! Toddlers demand a different kind of parenting from what they needed as infants. They need parents who set limits and enforce them in a firm, but calm, way.

The Power of Firmness

Being firm is a real switch for many parents. Infants don’t call for firmness – but rather, responsiveness. Reading their signals and meeting their needs are the primary concerns. The question is, what are my babies trying to tell me, and how should I respond? Toddlers still have needs, of course, but those needs often lead them into behaviors their parents never even thought of! And besides having needs, they also make impossible demands. The best parental response in the face of a good deal of toddler behavior is firmness.

A firm but calm response is easier said than done. It’s very difficult to keep from losing one’s temper in the face of some 2-year-old behavior. How many parents are able to face toddler defiance and negativity calmly? It’s hard, but important, to create an emotional climate that is conducive to learning. If you understand that whatever you’re trying to teach the child is probably lost when you blow up, it may help keep you calmer. And worse – it isn’t just lost for the child who is the target of the anger, but probably for his co-twin as well.

I think of myself in the lecture hall. The speaker wasn’t furious with me, but with the assistant; however, the emotional climate between the two of them affected every single person in the auditorium in some way.

If you grew up in a family that saw fear or anger as a way to teach a lesson, remember that the emotional overlay of a situation is taken in along with the instruction.

For example, my first day as a community college teacher, I was quite nervous. I sat down to memorize my telephone extension and my office number. The numbers were similar; and in my confused and fearful state of mind, I never got them straight. After five years at that college, I was still looking up those numbers. When I tried to remember them, the feelings came back and got in the way.

So if you’re trying to get your toddlers to remember to hang-up their coats, don’t put an emotional overlay on the situation that brings fear or confusion. They may look at the hook, forget the coat, and recall only the feelings. At that moment, the lesson you intended to teach is lost!

Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk

So what can you do to help keep the emotional climate at least neutral, if not positive? Here are four suggestions:

• Keep your perspective. It helps to remember that toddlerhood is a stage and it will pass. The negativity and defiance come because toddlers are working on issues of autonomy. They are trying out their power. Keep your perspective on the matter, and it may help you keep your temper.
• Save the lessons if you get too angry. Just get through the situation. Sit down afterwards with your child or children and reflect back on what happened. Talking about things when you have all calmed down helps.
• Keep out of power struggles. Sidestep a power struggle when you perceive that you’re headed into one. Don’t be as stubborn as your toddler; use your adult intelligence to figure out how to keep from bumping heads.
• Be aware of the possibility that your child (or children) may be seeking negative attention. Some children find that they can get parents to spend plenty of time and energy on them only if they misbehave. In a sense, they learn to misbehave. When that happens, parents must demonstrate that attention comes from positive behavior more readily than negative behavior.

Janet Gonzalez-Mena of Napa, California, has taught early childhood education at Napa Valley College. She is author of the book Dragon Mom, and the mother of five children.

The post How Do Emotions Affect Learning? appeared first on TWINS Magazine.